Chapter 6 – Very good, Creeves

To say I was disappointed by the way things were developing would be to put it mildly. As a rule the number of simultaneous crises my nervous system can cope with these days is zero. I was presently two over my limit and a third was in the offing.

Hermione Granger, the girl I was dead-set against going to see on Ron's behalf, turned up on my doorstep just as I was stepping out to go to the Gnomes. My usual modus operandi for ducking callers whom I prefer to avoid is to instruct Creeves to tell them I'm not in. I briefly considered going back in to get Creeves to try this on Hermione, but as I may have mentioned, she is a smart cookie, and, as such, was unlikely to fall for this ploy. No, once a girl has said, "Hello Harry" (or whatever your name is), and you have reflexively responded, "What ho, Hermione" (or whatever her name is), your manservant will have a deuce of a time convincing said girl that you are not in.

Hermione invited me to give her tea and back inside we went. I offered her a seat and instead of calling for Creeves, I went in search of him personally, finding him in the kitchen.

"Creeves," I began, "do you know who is in the living room right now?"

"Miss Granger, sir. I heard the two of you coming in."

"Yes, but you've only heard, whereas I have seen. And do you know what I saw when I looked into Hermione's eyes just now, Creeves? Do you?"

"I fancy you believe you detected in her a rekindled affection for you, sir. This eventuality was not unexpected, if you will recall."

"Tchah!" I responded.

"Sir?"

"I said tchah, Creeves and I meant it. Just because I was expecting something like this doesn't mean it's not unexpected, if you take my meaning."

"If you mean that you feel unprepared to deal with Miss Granger's presence at the moment, I have a suggestion that may prove useful."

"Speak, then. I hang on your lips."

"If you were to mention the salient points of your recent conversation with Miss Lovegood to Miss Granger, I calculate that it will produce a satisfactory effect."

"You believe so?"

"Yes, sir. I'm almost certain that hearing about your aunt's encounter with Professor Snape will distract Miss Granger from the original purpose of her visit."

I returned to Hermione and told her that Creeves would be serving tea momentarily. As I moved to sit in the chair farthest from her, she patted the sofa cushion beside her and bade me sit upon it. I couldn't think of a graceful way to refuse. No sooner was I seated than she started in on me.

"Harry, it so lovely to see you. I can't tell you how much I've missed you. Tell me how much you've missed me."

"Oh very much, I'm certain. You know, a rummy thing happened to me earlier …"

"Something happened to me earlier today too, Harry. I think you should know that Ronald and I…"

"… Luna Lovegood, you remember old Looney, well she's my cousin now…"

"Harry, listen. Ron and I have broken …"

"… seeing as how my aunt married her dad, you know. And speaking of my Aunt Petunia …"

"Yes, Harry dear, but speaking of marriage …"

"… her marriage to old Corante Lovegood is in a bit of trouble at the moment. You see, she's apparently been swept off her feet by …"

"Funny you should say that, Harry darling, because this morning Ron swept all my gnomes off their feet and that's why I'm not going to …"

"… you're not going to believe it but my Aunt Petunia wants to …"

"… marry Ron."

"… marry Snape!"

I had just been thinking that Creeves' plan was turning out to be a total frost until I said the name Snape. After that everything was a breeze. Hermione asked me to repeat my story, this time without interruption. I even showed her the Quibbler article, which she had not before seen. She gave it a once over, made a quick good-bye to yours truly and before I knew what was what she had exited the premises.

"Creeves!" I shouted. "Miss Granger has exited the premises."

"Very good, sir."

"'Very good, Creeves' is more like it. How did you manage that miracle? She was about to tell me that I was all hers again, but when I mentioned old Snape she was gone like a Golden Snitch. She took my magazine too."

"Would you like me to purchase another one, sir?"