Chapter 1: Nightmare in the Shadows
He comes home late as usual. I hear the door open and his feet drag, sometimes I wonder if it is because he's tired or if it's his way of letting me know he's home. Maybe both. I get up from the futon and shuffle towards the kitchen. I know his first stop will be the washroom, depending on what day he's had, he can take anywhere from ten minutes to an hour. If he takes longer, then I know I won't have laundry the next day. I've mentioned it a couple of times to him, that it's alright to leave his soiled clothes no matter how dirty they are, but he'd just slightly grin and decline.
"It's not a habit of mine to do laundry, so when I do, just let me be Tokio."
The next morning of course when I go there to clean myself, I know the reasons why. I wonder if he is completely oblivious to it. The acidic iron smell makes me gag in the mornings. Perhaps he's killed so many hat he barely notices it anymore or maybe he doesn't realize that each time that happens I take a bag of dried orange and tangerine skins to counter the smell.
He emerges from the washroom quickly and I can't help but smile as I finished setting up the table. Watching him discreetly is something I've learned to do well because it makes him edgy when I stare at him.
"Stir fried Tofu today?" I can hear the soft clicking sound of the chopsticks. He's picking his food.
I look over my shoulder as I fill a bowl with rice, raising my eyebrows at him. "Yes."
"Hn…"
A slight frown settles on his lips, which he doesn't try to hide. But in matters of nutrition in this house, I have the free hand. His occasional show of discontent is so restrained that I have the luxury to brush it off. He needs protein and he knows it. Soba isn't a good source of protein and I know that's the only thing he consumes outside. There is a good reason why, the same reason meat and poultry barely touches the dining table of this house. I am not sure if it's a blessing he favors soba or a curse on him. I would think the latter to be honest because the few times that I did serve meat on the table, he had three helpings! Unfortunately Tofu doesn't seem to capture his palate no matter how I prepare it.
"Aren't you going to eat?" He looks up at me, his face straight.
"No Anata." Folding my hand I glance out the window. There are so many things I know about the man in front of me by living with him from day to day. It's been five years that we've been married and at times, I feel like he is truly my other half but the truth is there are things completely blind to us. So here I am again, sitting here wondering what I should ask first... Something not too intrusive and yet conveys that I am interested in his work...
"How did your day go?" A plain question that he would always dance around with, but I ask it because for all the things we've been through it is worth it to ask.
He finishes his meal first and then gets up to place the bowl in the sink. Leaning by the kitchen counter right beside the window, he searches his pockets. I watch as those long tapered fingers, now ungloved gingerly place the cigarette on his lips. He still hasn't answered my question but I am patient with him in these matters. There were times he won't answer at all and the night will just fade away. But I wonder if he realizes he's a creature of habit as well. That when he has something to say he'll stand by the same spot and start to smoke.
He taps his ashes on the sink and I pour myself a cup of tea. Noticing he hasn't bothered to touch it. It's quite ironic that such a traditional man would reject tea, but that is one of his quirks.
Half way through his cigarette he starts to speak in a low but solid tone, "I saw the Hitokiri Battousai today."
The teacup on my hand shakes slightly creating ripples on top of the green liquid. The Battousai… The Shinsengumi's mortal enemy… My husband's nemesis. Keeping my eyes planted on the table, I try to calm my mind. Making sure that my voice would not break, I finally look up towards him. "Where did you find him?"
He quirks his eyebrow but I do not wince. If I show any signs of hesitation, he will stop talking and I need to know. "At an ailing dojo owned by a Kamiya Kaoru." He blows out the smoke and then starts to chuckle under his breath. I can see his eyes take on a deeper shade of gold. Amusement. Mirth. Disdain and determination, all written on them and my heart sinks.
"What do you plan to do with him?" I couldn't stop myself, that question had to be asked if I were to sleep tonight.
He shrugs and turns to flick the cigarette butt out the window. Then I hear the rush of water as he washed his own dishes. There are so many things that changed with him already… He's been through so much, every hurdle that I saw him surmount and perhaps more when he was in the Shinsengumi. I am not letting him go back. The old score doesn't matter to me. What matters is him. That he comes home at the end of the day or at least I know, that he is well wherever he is.
"I'll be going out tonight." His voice cuts through the silence and I panic. My head frantically trying to find a way to get him to stay. I cannot beg him to stay, -that- is out of the question. He hates it and I will hate myself. So I stand up and put my arms around him.
"Stay with me tonight Hajime. It's been so long…" My voice draws to a whisper as I try to seduce him for the night. If I can keep him here then I know he'll be safe. I reach from behind and run my fingers on top of his shirt, from the plains of his stomach, upwards to his strong chest. He suppresses a growl and I know my antics are working so I reach up to plant light kisses on his neck. "Anata onegai…"
He turns towards me so quickly that I'm caught in surprise. I find myself on top of the table with his left hand clawing at my front, trying to get past my kimono. I gasp. "No Hajime…" His lips are on mine, searing kisses while his hand leaves a trail of fire everywhere they touched. I'm able to free my hand somehow and pull his face just slightly further, making his bangs fall beside my eyes. "Let's go inside." I can barely talk, out of breath from him before.
With a groan he gets up and I follow him towards the hall. He walks quickly and a relieved smile crosses my face, only to be taken away when he passes our bedroom door. I am disappointed that he goes straight towards the living room. "Anata?"
There must've been quite an expression on my face and probably not just of surprise. A smug smile crosses his face as he takes his jacket and his gloves, stopping by the door I can see his eyes glow under the dim light.
"I didn't get what I wanted tonight. But you didn't either Tokio."
So he saw through me…
There are times when I want to shout at him in frustration. But as he closes the door so softly, all I can do is watch those gloves disappear and hear his footsteps subside. I could collapse to the floor but we were never that kind of people. So instead I check up on Tsutomu. I had the indescribable need to hold him in my arms. My boy of two years has gotten so heavy and as I watch him sleep so peacefully in my arms I am glad that we have gotten this far. Staring at his chubby face I can already see how he's taking on more of his father's features, the nose, the mouth and the slant of those eyes. Suddenly my child clings to my arm, his little fingers digging through my skin. He squirms for a moment and then settles back in, his breathing shallow but even. But I feel his forehead anyway for signs of fever.
Nothing.. Maybe another disturbing dream…
So strong and yet so vulnerable… Like his father. Placing Tsutomu back into the futon, I place two pillows on both of his sides. I do not want my son hurt if he turns in his sleep. Finally I am able to step back and breathe a little easier... For a brief moment my eyes drift by the window noting how quiet it was at this time of the night. But this neighborhood my husband found in Ueno is a safe one. I sigh and go across the hallway to our room, hoping to get some sleep.
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. No profit was made. This is just fanfic. Thank you to Watsuki sensei for Saitou-sama! All copyright owned by their respective owners. Questions and or comments are answered at http/journalDOThajimenokizuDOTcom