AN Thanks to everyone who reviewed! And much love to Aimless and Occasus. I am almost half way through this, so I hope to get it out soon.

Chapter 5: Unforgivable

Gojyo stared hard at the half empty bottle of whiskey. Most of the bar's patrons ignored the drunk in the corner. He looked half dead and was too depressed to care at the moment. A few women had tried to catch his eye when he first walked in, but he didn't want anything to do with them. He merely paid for a room upstairs and bought a bottle of the strongest whisky they had. He was a beer drinker by habit. The hard stuff always managed to take him to a place that he didn't want to go. It brought out the sullenness and the pain, and that was just perfect for tonight. Part of him was hoping that he would drink himself to death; the other half would settle for being drunk enough to forget.

Sha Gojyo belonged to no one, owed nothing to anyone. He was free to drink and fuck and hustle. That was how he had always been, and only one person had ever asked more from him. Only one person had ever given him faith and love. Hakkai. It hurt to think about him. His chest felt like it was being crushed when he thought about what he had done. In one moment, Gojyo had ruined everything that could have been. He destroyed the one person he truly cared about.

Downing the last of the bottle, Gojyo began to stumble for the stairs when he noticed a brown haired man staring at him.

"Need a hand?" he asked with a seductive smile.

Gojyo nodded. "I just might."

There was never any hidden intent for either of them. It was a fuck. Nothing more. "Turn the lights out," Gojyo commanded as he stripped off his shirt.

When the veil of darkness fell over them, he began to pretend. The body beneath him was only slightly heavier than that of his lover's. He pushed the anonymous man over flat on his stomach and began to work his hands over the form he could barely see in the moonlight. His mind imagined that there was a scar across the man's stomach. That his eyes were as green as emeralds and his hair was dark. Nothing had happened to him. Hakkai was safe and sound in his loving arms. Gojyo did everything to see to his lover's pleasure. He kissed and caressed and loved with the most care. When he came, it was with Hakkai's name on his lips, and then he fell asleep.

In the morning, he groaned. His shoulder was killing him and it took him a moment for reality to catch up with him. Throwing with his uninjured arm, he sent a vase shattering to the wall.

"What?" a confused voice gasped from beside him.

Gojyo didn't want to look at him. He had betrayed Hakkai all over again. "What are you still doing here?"

The man beside him purred, or it at least sounded like he did, and looped an arm around Gojyo's waist. "That was amazing. I wanted to see what you were like when you weren't drunk."

"Now you have. Get the fuck out."

The man was quiet. "Who was it you were loving last night? Who is Hakkai?"

Gojyo spun around and stared into unremarkable blue eyes. The face was too round. The body not nearly long and lithe enough. "Don't say his name. Just leave."

Looking hurt, he did what Gojyo asked and left.

Gojyo threw on the only clothes he had and counted the remains of his cash. He hadn't gone back home to get anything. Sooner or later, he would have to either play for money or go back. Neither prospect made him feel any better. He glanced in the mirror and knew that there was one thing he had to do.

Downstairs, he asked the bartender where the nearest drugstore was. He bought himself a pair of scissors and the blackest hair dye he could find. When he had finished his task, he looked in the mirror and began to cry in earnest. It was his hair that had brought them together, in part, and it was only fitting that it should go too.

Goodbye, Hakkai, he thought mournfully.

Dbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbddbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdb

Over the next few days, Goku, Sanzo, and Yaone took turns with Hakkai. Kougaiji and Dokugakaji had left as soon as it was evident that Yaone was not leaving until the danger had passed. She had promised to meet them soon. Goku was relieved that she was Hakkai's friend. He wasn't sure that Hakkai would have survived without her.

The golden eyed young man got out of the bed he'd been sharing in shifts with Sanzo, and stretched. He had never seen Sanzo so worried about anyone. Years ago, he would have been jealous. There had been a time when Sanzo was the center of his world. Not that he was in love with the monk, but the two of them had been together for the entirety of Goku's conscious memory. Even his "recollections" of his former life were haunted by a man who was nearly identical to the moody priest. It took a marriage and twin girls to pry Goku away.

When he thought of Houmei, he could never imagine leaving her for any reason. It made him hate Gojyo. How could he just walk away? Goku had heard the way that Hakkai called out his lover's name. He thought that Hakkai was even more desperate for Gojyo than he was for his sight. It broke his heart. How? He just kept on asking himself that question. Searching his soul, he knew that he would never understand. But then again, Goku had always been loyal to those that he loved. He doubted the kappa really understood anything about that at all. Gojyo had spent a life time fucking and running. No one should be surprised by this, but everyone was…with the exception of Sanzo.

Goku passed Sanzo in the hall with little more than a nod. Even though he was the most talkative one of the group, he didn't have much that he wanted to say, and Hakkai hadn't said a word since he had been told that he was blind and Gojyo had left. He just sat there with Hakuryuu in his lap. The most anyone had gotten out of him was a nod or a head shake.

Hakkai didn't move a muscle when Goku slid the chair out and sat down. "It finally stopped storming out there," Goku commented idly. "I'll go out in the morning and start asking around. Maybe someone knows where he's heading. I'll find him for you."

"Goku, promise me…" Hakkai croaked softly. It was the first thing he'd said in days.

"I'm gonna bring him back," he assured him.

But Hakkai shook his head. "No, promise me that you won't try to find him."

"But why?"

"Promise me!" Hakkai demanded.

Goku's eyes widened. "I promise I won't go until you say it's alright."

"He's right. There's no reason to come back."