AN Sorry it took me sooo long to update. My computer wasn't working, and then I went on vacation. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Chapter 6: Reasons

Hakkai listened to the voices drifting up through the floorboards. It felt good to be alone. The constant feeling of being watched, of being pitied was stifling. The shame was almost as disheartening as the knowledge that he would never see again. His life had fallen apart twice. He'd gotten one second chance, but he wasn't going to hold out for a third.

He slipped off the covers and stood up. His head spun, but he gritted his teeth and moved his hands out in front of him. He knew that there was a chair here, but he wasn't sure of much beyond that. Wind moved in from the left meaning that there was a window there. Determination built up within him. He needed to move out of that damn bed. Stepping forward, he felt his knees begin to shake. A week in bed had drained him enough that this wasn't going to be easy, but he had to do it. Hakkai couldn't stand the uselessness anymore. Fear gripped him. It felt like he was walking into nothing. The vast abyss he was trapped in had stripped him of any certainty he had. Would it always be like this? Would he spend his life afraid to move? Begging for help? No, he'd not be able to do that. He'd sooner die. His hand brushed against the hardness of the wall, and he followed it to the window. It was a small accomplishment, but it was something.

Why didn't Sanzo let him die? Did he think that saving him was going to accomplish something? He thought of killing himself, but he hadn't had the opportunity yet. For all of Sanzo's threats, he knew he couldn't count on the priest to help him with that. He snorted. He could already hear some sort of bullshit lecture about the will to live. How anyone could be so hypocritical, he didn't know. There was a time when he didn't see Sanzo like that, but having his eyes ripped out had changed his perspective on a lot of things. Part of him truly did hate Sanzo.

Why save me? Twice, you've decided that you would grace me with some sort of intervention. Maybe I should have just died the first time. I certainly deserve to. Tearing out my right eye was supposed to my penitence in a way. You said that the Gods save no one, but they've certainly damned me. And so have you.

Hakkai touched the bandages over his eyes. This is why I'm alone, he thought. Goku had told him that Gojyo had sat with him for a while. In his head, he had an image of Gojyo sitting there looking at the tattered body that used to be the man he loved contemplating staying or leaving. In the end, Gojyo had made the right choice. What good could Hakkai do for him now? Sha Gojyo was not the type of person to lead around his blind, scarred lover for the rest of his life. He couldn't even remain faithful when he wasn't blind. Fool, you were asking for too much.

Footsteps on the stairs interrupted his thoughts. His hearing hadn't gotten any better, but he was certainly more aware of the sounds he heard. The door creaked open. "You're up," Yaone said softly. "Are you feeling alright?"

He nodded. If you called this alright, he thought sarcastically.

"Let's get you back into bed," she offered. He felt her long fingers on his arm, and resisted the urge to push her away. Maybe walking alone into an unknown void wasn't the worst feeling. Being led through it felt much worse. "Would you like to come down for dinner tonight? Goku and Sanzo would be happy to see you….uh…I…um mean that they miss you."

He could practically envision her blush. Hakkai shook his head. How could she be so sensitive about using the word "see" in front of him and not realize why he couldn't go down and eat with the rest of them? The youkai woman had to help him eat his meals for Kami's sake. Didn't she know him well enough to understand?

The flapping of wings and a gentle "kyu" sounded from the doorway. Little Hakuryu was the only one who seemed to understand any of it at all. If only the dragon were a conversationalist, he thought wryly. He must have smiled, because he heard Yaone sigh.

"Are you ever going to speak to us again, Hakkai?"

He shrugged. I have my reasons.

Yaone left him alone after only a bit more fussing over his bandages, and closing the window. There was always an unspoken strand between them. In truth, she reminded him just a little of Kanan. So loyal to the end. Yet, Yaone was much more strong spirited than his gentle Kanan had been. Would she have let them take her as his love had? He doubted it. She would have fought. The first time they'd met had been like a jackhammer to his heart. It was the first time he'd truly felt like Gonou since he'd been renamed, but he was not Gonou. Cho Hakkai had embraced the secret part of Gonou that loved men. He saw Yaone as a friend, adversary, and as a bit of a sister. Was this his punishment for that?

This was stupid. He balled up his fist and sat up straight. Sitting around like this was slowly killing him. His whole life he had been on the move in one way or another. Reading, learning, fighting, cooking, cleaning. He was always occupied.

He made his way back to the window again. Despite, Yaone's insistence that he remain in bed, he couldn't do it. Fumbling with the locks, he threw open the shutters and breathed in fresh air. This time it was a scent that caught his attention. Cigarettes! Gojyo! His heart thumped as he turned.

"I don't know what the fuck your game is, Hakkai." That was not Gojyo's voice. He didn't know why he hadn't heard the priest come in. "Your martyrdom has always annoyed me. Do you think lying down and dying of a "broken heart" will do anything? Get your eyes back? Bring the kappa back? You're a fucking moron if you do. It won't bring him back anymore than dying would have brought Kanan back to you. What is it with you and stupid, weak-hearted sluts?"

Hakkai trembled. "You're trying to bait me into living is that it?"

"You give yourself way too much credit." Footfalls crossed the room.

"I suppose you're still holding nothing?"

"Better than holding everything and losing your fucking mind. Do you know why I'm here?"

Hakkai shook his head.

"Because I choose to be. I don't fuck around with morals the way you do. Did being good and smiling ever get you anything in life?"

"Would it make you happy if I were a bastard and alone like you?" Hakkai raged.

"You are now." With that, the monk left him.

Maybe, just maybe, Hakkai understood a little more now. He stayed by the window for a while longer and went back to bed. When he felt the sun on his face again, he went back. That was exactly how Goku found him. "Hakkai! Yaone told me you were up yesterday. Sorry I wasn't around. I just got back from the inn. I hope you don't mind, but I was kind of thinking you could stay with us for a while?"

"I would like that," Hakkai said so softly. The pain felt like it was swallowing him whole, but he knew that he had to push on.