Time to say Goodbye
Disclaimer: I don't own the monopoly on any shadow warrior chelonians named after renaissance artists.
Chapter Nine: The Letter
Leo kept very close tabs on Ramiela over the next few days, when she was with the family he wasn't as concerned but when she slipped away on her own he was aware that she was far more likely to disobey his orders. He was aware that Rama had tried to reach Devon over the forty eight hour period since he had dropped the bomb on her, and while he knew the kunoichi was pushing the limits of the new rule, nothing unheard of for Rama, he also knew the girl wanted a chance to say goodbye to the man she loved. She deserved a chance to connect with him, though Leo doubted her ability to reach him, and as long as she didn't give into temptation he would allow it.
Cathy was also aware of Ramiela's quiet closed in and melancholy ways, but she knew Rama had to come to terms with things on her own, and she had a great deal to consider. Cathy did her best to offer what help, comfort or advice she could to the nineteen year old, but knew no matter what the decision Rama made she would end up heart broken to some extent.
Rama was aware of the constant monitoring, and she realized that sometimes being ninja, with mental connections to her clan, did have its draw backs for there was no such thing as privacy or being completely alone, on the upside you knew you had your family to support and help you.
She subtly watched the adult members of her family, seeing their interaction together and how much they helped each other out. She could see the closeness they had with their spouses of choice, and sometimes it was enough to bring her to tears, because she wanted that and yet it seemed to have been ripped from her.
Yet the more she turned it over in her mind, the more, she realized that perhaps it hadn't been ripped from her at all, for her and Devon could never truly be together for long periods of time.
'Don't they say absence makes the heart grow fonder,' she mused to herself but she knew that for her and Devon they would be more apart then together.
Instead of having her spouse or mate to turn to when she needed him, she would have to be on her own, and it was trials and suffering that often caused couples to grow closer and stronger.
Rama tried often to reach Devon, as if more determined to reach him now then before but each failure caused her to be more depressed, for she knew that if she didn't reach him then perhaps her only alternative was to let him go, whether she wanted to or not.
She found her way by Splinter's resting spot and sat down " I wish you were still here I could use your wisdom, but you have more then earned your rest Master" She sighed, "I guess I just don't know what to do. It was your time and saying goodbye to you was right, and though it hurts to lose you it doesn't cause that lasting ache and pain," she shook her head, "But to lose Devon when I expected so much, of our relationship is something different. I just can't seem to forget him, and I don't want to."
"Why should you forget him Ramiela?" came a voice from behind her, "You love him don't you?"
Rama turned, giving an embarrassed grin as she saw Kaliann standing behind her, "So now you know I talk to myself" she joshed.
"Don't worry, sometimes it is the best conversation a person gets in their whole day, besides it is when you start answering yourself that I'd worry" Kaliann grinned, "Besides you haven't told about Mark yet so," Kali shrugged, "it can be our secret, not that there is anything wrong in talking to Splinter aloud. I've done it a bit myself" she admitted shyly.
Rama smiled back "How does it feel to be with your guy?"
Kali seemed to glow with that question, "I can't seem to get enough of him, I think about him constantly and I want to talk to him or be with him. He's really quite nice. I mean he knows I'm different but that doesn't seem to bother him" Kali gushed, "But I worry about introducing him to the family, because that many all at once can be, kind of intimidating, and because I have more human facial features he might act strange around those who aren't" Kali explained.
"Do you think he will accept all of us though?" Rama wondered.
"I know he will, it just might take him time, I'd rather introduce him slowly so he isn't overwhelmed but I'm not sure how to go about it." Kaliann assured her quickly. "It seems kind of strange and exciting having a secret guy of your own."
Rama nodded, "I love Devon, and I want to be with him, but I wouldn't be able to stay in his world while my family is here and at war with the Foot, so maybe he isn't the one that is truly mean to be." She murmured more to herself.
Kali gave a slow smile, "That seems wrong though Ramiela, I figure if you love someone you should be with them."
" Not always, how many times have we saved some woman whose been beaten on by her guy, and she sits there and says I love him he'll change and she goes back" Rama remarked, "Sometimes the one you love isn't right for you, and you have to move on."
"I'm never leaving Mark" Kali declared with conviction. "He makes me feel so wonderful and when he kisses me, oh geesh I just…" Kali blushed suddenly ducking her head.
Rama gave a small chuckle, "I recall that feeling, the sudden urge and desire to just give in and take it to the limit, see how far, how high, you could go."
Kali nodded "Did you and Devon ever, well you know go all the way?"
Rama shook her head, "No we didn't, there were times we both wanted to but something happened to sort of spoil it" Rama confessed grudgingly, "I sort of backed down at the last minute and once well, we sort of got interrupted."
Kali rolled her eyes "Talk about spoiling the mood."
"Maybe Kali, it was for the best, there are times I regret the fact I didn't go all the way with Devon, and mostly though I'm glad we didn't do it." Rama admitted "Now I think that Uncle Raphael was right all along, you want to make sure that you give it to the right person, at the right time."
"How do you know when it is right though?" Kali asked.
"If you have any doubt in your mind don't do it," Rama advised, "It was my doubts and uncertainties that held me back the first time with Devon, then when he visited here that once he wanted to, but I didn't feel it was right" Rama stated, "better yet make sure that fellow is committed to you Kaliann, and the best way of that is waiting for marriage."
"Are you going wait for marriage now Rama?" Kali asked.
"Sure why not?" Rama agreed, "I'm going die a virgin anyways if I can't get back to Devon. Heck I'll probably return to Devon by the time he is too old to do anything anyways."
Kali laughed, "What ever makes you say that?"
Rama sighed reflectively "Facts Kali, look it when I was in Devon's world two months had passed, but here only two weeks had passed. Which means one week here is like a month there" Rama explained, " In about twelve weeks here he would have lived a year, that is if their calendars are based on twelve months like ours, in one of our years Devon would have seen a great deal more time pass by."
"I guess you didn't notice it when you were there huh, how quickly things went?" Kali wondered.
"Not really I talked about it with Uncle Don and he had an explanation for it all, I can't recall quite what he said." Rama said.
"Course you don't remember, not the way Uncle Don talks." She giggled.
"You be respectful, he is truly beyond his time and generation." Rama scolded lightly.
"What are you going do about Devon then if you love him so Rama?"
Rama heaved a heavy sigh and gave a slow shake of her head, "I don't know Kali but I think Cathy was right, maybe if I write a letter I can figure out what it is, that I am going to do."
Kali scrunched up her face giving Rama a peculiar look "Write a letter?"
"Well no matter what I think I have to say goodbye to Devon, but since I can't see him, maybe I have to write what I would say to him, if I did see him" Rama pointed out," while I am writing the letter I'll be able to get facts and things down to make the choice easier."
"Oh. Okay" Kali muttered but the expression on the younger girl's face said she wasn't so sure.
Rama smiled as she stood up "Think of it like talking to yourself, and maybe answering yourself too. In fact you might want to try it to figure out how to introduce your beau to the clan," She smirked, "Course you can always consider introducing him to someone other then your dad at first, even if it is your mom, or a trusted member of the clan, so they can back you up for meeting your father."
"Dad isn't so bad, he is reasonable" Kali disputed.
"Yeah until he meets the person who wants to take his daughter away from him, then he might get just a little intimidating" Rama smirked, "I think you know that too Kali, or you would have done it before now." She challenged as she walked away.
…
Rama had gone off to meditate again but this time she had some paper and a pen with her. It was time to write the letter and stop, her standing in one place.
'One can not go forward while standing in one spot.'
Hadn't Gabby's mom Cassandra told her that, words that she had learned from Splinter, or seemed very familiar to what Splinter would say.
It was true she could not move on or go forward, while staying tied to her memory of Devon. She wasn't sure that she was fully ready to move forward but she was hoping for some enlightenment somewhere that would help her to the right path, to remain committed to Devon or to say goodbye and move on.
She assured herself that no one would interrupt her by choosing a secluded spot and then she prepared by meditating for a time before hand, clearing her mind of all things unnecessary, when she roused she took her pen and paper out.
At first the words came slowly but in no time they flowed, as if the pen could not write fast enough.
Devon,
I miss you so much, and long to be with you my love. I often wonder if you think of me as much as I think about you, have you tried to reach me, and felt so defeated and rejected each time you failed? Do you cling to the memories of the days we spent together remembering little things about me?
I'm sure you have and you do.
I see you so clearly in my mind, and yes there are many nights I have dreamed about you, holding me, keeping your promise to me, and so much more, but then I wake up and realize it was only a dream and I miss you all the more.
It seems ages since we were last together, though I can't forget the special night we shared in Central Park on Valentines.
I wonder if we will see each other again, and I'm starting to believe that much as I want to it just won't be possible. I want to think that I am wrong that I will be held in your arms again, but we haven't connected since that night and that is what makes me doubt. I know it has happened once before and it could happen again, but who is to say when? Or where or how much time will pass before we can be together, and will we care for each other as much when that should happen?
We recently lost our Master Splinter, even though I knew what losing him would be like from being in your world, and learning of his passing, it still hurt. Though I believe everyone is coming around now.
Still his passing made me realize how much I wanted your strength and support to help me, to comfort me and reassure me that his death didn't mean the end of the world, that life, could and would go on.
Then our Leo told me, that I could not use my skills to teleport to be with you, because he felt it was too dangerous but I feel it is a risk worth taking, any risk is worth taking to be with you Devon.
Life is not worth living without some risk. I did consider disobeying him, even if he is the jonin, I always have had a mind of my own, as I'm sure you remember, but I realize I can't.
What if I did disobey Devon?
Yes, we could be together, and that alone might make it worth it and awfully tempting but I would have to come home and face the music here sooner or later. Not to mention that your Leo would probably still feel that I was his charge, to some extent, and as he knows my position in my clan, would not approve of me going against clan jurisdiction. I'd have to pay the price twice! Instead of getting heck from one clan, I'd get it from two!
Your family would not be amused at a future Jonin, a chunin of the clan disregarding the rules in such a flamboyant way.
Hmph! Can you believe it Devon, a Michaelangelo child worrying about the rules? Instead of finding how many creative ways one can go about breaking them. Ah the price of being Chunin. I have all ready decided that leadership isn't what it is cracked up to be.
So where does that leave us Devon, when we can't even break the rules to see one another?
We are both needed by our respective clans, perhaps you not as much as I, because you aren't really at war, then again maybe that has changed and you have seen some more battles because there is the question of how those terrorist and Foot could get hold of Don Tello and the after math of it all.
I could not be with you because my own family needs me, and I know I would miss them dearly Devon. I missed them the whole time I was there and I worried about them. It wouldn't be right for me to be safe while my family is in danger. Living in the lap of luxury might be something I could grow accustomed to, but not at the expense of my family.
If you were with me continually, you would feel cramped and trapped in the sewers because you are used to your freedom, and you would know everything you lost and gave up to be with me.
While love is about sacrifice I don't think it should mean giving up everything to be with that person, to do that can cause hard feelings and trouble later. I don't want that for us Devon.
So worse comes to worse we could only see each other here or there, occasional visits. I suppose each of us could manage that to some extent but in our hearts will it give us what we truly want, no matter how fond we are of each other?
Damn I do miss you Lizard boy; I'd give anything to hear you call me Rags just once more.
Yet as a couple I don't know how close we can ever become, because often when we need the other the most, they won't be there, and can't be there for who knows how long. We'd just be taking stolen moments wherever we can find them.
Devon, I don't know about you but I want someone who can be with me, and you deserve the same, even if for you it is only companionship. I'd think you'd get more out of it in the long run.
I can picture you so easily, standing before me, a scowl on your face, and slashing your tail about in your irritation. Next will come the walls slamming into place and the hurt anger.
I love you this is hard enough for me to say, I know it isn't easy on me, so it wouldn't be easy on you either but it is the truth and the truth must be told, even when it hurts, sometimes, especially, when it hurts.
I look at my dad and Cathy, my Aunts and my Uncles and I realize deep inside what they have and share with their spouses is what I want, not a sometimes relationship.
Sure an off and on again relationship could work Devon, if we both really worked at it, but take a look at Mike and Rahab, or Seth and Gabby and tell me honestly that you don't want that sort of relationship for yourself.
That is what Leo here meant when he told me I couldn't have what my father has.
It isn't a matter of just loving but how much time you can spend with those you love.
Okay, even if we found a way to work things out and forged ahead, we got married and I became pregnant with your child. What then Devon?
A blessed event, a child for both us, and for our families, and so much joy and happiness because of it, but how quickly would that be crushed?
Could I travel while pregnant, would it be safe?
If I even suspected I was pregnant I would have to stay in whichever world I was presently on to play it safe. Then we would have to decide where the child would live, which means one of us would be missing out on crucial growing periods of the child's life.
One parent would be more of a stranger, while the other was the provider.
I don't think there is anything wrong in one person raising a child Devon, but I believe that children do better when both parents play an active role in their development.
The child would be bounced back and forth, between the life of the poor to the life of riches, learning it isn't safe to reveal himself and yet walking openly in public. Talk about conflicting messages.
I don't think that such a life is fair to any child Devon, never mind what is fair to us. Yet again it would have to be if both of us were to share in any of our children's lives, the sharing of the joy, pain triumphs and defeats that bind you closer as a couple and a family.
I might not have had my mother, but I did have the clan, I had stability, and Karena always treated me like I was one of her children. In many ways she was my mother, and I recall that when I was six I often called her mom.
Shuttling the child back and forth isn't right, but then again one of us alone keeping the child while the other visits isn't right either for the child ought to know both families. I would not want to give up a child of mine, even if it is to live in a fancy home, with all that money could buy. I don't think you want to see your child staying in the sewers, when you could give it a better, safer life.
No matter where the child is, it will learn ninjitsu, so that isn't a worry or concern. But the situation of a child being taken from a parent entirely could lead up to things like kidnapping.
Suddenly I understand why my mom did what she did even more; I also can see why Gabby ran when she felt Leo would take her child from her.
It is strange and a little scary looking at something like that and knowing where it comes from or how it could come about, from feelings of tenderness and love.
No matter what Devon children in our relationship just wouldn't be a good thing, and ought to be prevented, and yet I know that you, like me, want to have a family, children, of your own.
Oh Devon, what kind of life will we be living twenty years from now? What if all this does come to pass?
In twenty years we may have realized we threw our lives away waiting for each other, or we could move on and find companionship and some form of happiness with some one closer to home.
In twenty years we may have surpassed the odds against us, and had a child only for our lives to be in constant turmoil and strife, full of arguments and hatred, tearing one another apart. If that is to come to pass any happiness we once dreamed about having with one another will cease to exist.
I wish I could see you Devon, and tell you to your face, even though it would hurt you. But then again since more time has passed for you, you may have all ready come to the conclusion that I am just starting to reach.
It is even possible that Gaele has made the connection between humans and mutants and you have found someone else to share your life with and forgotten about me,
I love you Devon but as much as I want to be with you and see you again I realize now that a relationship beyond, just friends, can't be.
If things had been different and I couldn't return home, I would be your wife, and possibly have given you a child, and learned to settle in to your lifestyle, but it wasn't meant to be Devon. I was meant to return home, and really this is where I belong.
I wish you luck, I wish you the very best. I hope you find someone to be with, to share your life with. I hope that you will always consider me your friend.
I know I will probably always have some feelings for you, storing them deep in my heart but I also know Devon that I can't hold on to this, because I'm only miserable with waiting and longing to see you again.
So I guess Devon, there is nothing left but to say goodbye.
…
Rama gasped as she read the last bit on the paper, a deep empty longing ache filled the pit of her stomach as she placed the pen and paper down, and placing her hands over her face she rocked slightly as she began to cry.
It was a deep anguished wail of heart felt pain and hurt and loss, that came from the depth of her soul, but found release and freedom for that release in the simple exercise of writing.
Rama knew she still loved Devon for all the things he was but she had also learned that what Devon could give her wasn't quite enough, and she recalled another expression of love.
'If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it is yours, if it doesn't it never was.'
It was appropriate in its own way, after all she had to let Devon go, and most likely she would never see or hear from him again. If she did connect with Devon, who knows how long in the future she might only learn that their love could not withstand the depth and space of time that had separated them to begin with.
It didn't mean that they didn't love one another; it just meant that they knew letting love go, and saying goodbye was the only way to maintain what you felt for the other.
TBC