A/N: Hello and welcome to chapter 5, eh? Anyway, this one is all about random things. Enjoy!
And yes, I am alive. No, I have not moved to Mordor.
Chapter Five: Getting In Touch With Your Feminine Side
"Oh, we're on the road again, I can't believe we're on the ROAD AGAIN!" Boromir screams, glaring out the window. "Hey, can I drive now?"
"NO!" Aragorn, Faramir, and Legolas say.
"Remember last time, Boro? You nearly CRASHED INTO A TREE!" Faramir screams.
"That's irrelevant..." Boromir mutters.
"Liar."
"OK! OK! I was drinking tequila!" Boromir yells.
"And you still got in the car?" Legolas asks, shocked.
"Well, ok, Faramir was wasted on Corona and dad was barely awake, so I was deemed 'Most Sober' by our father and I drove."
"Yeah, but your father was barely awake!" Legolas says. "What ever happened to the designated driver thing?"
"We ditched him at the gas station." Boromir says casually.
"Freaking…weird…" Aragorn mutters, rolling up the roadmap.
"Whatever, Kingy-boy…" Boromir mutters.
"HEY!" Aragorn yells, hitting Boromir with the roadmap.
"VIOLENCE! I'M BEING ABUSED!" Boromir screams.
"Oh, shut up," Faramir mutters. He goes back to staring at the road.
The men (and Elf) ride on in silence until…
"PULL OVER!" Legolas screams, sounding not unlike a woman.
"Why?"
"Because I just noticed my MASCARA is RUNNING!" Legolas says.
"Uh…"
"Maybe we should indulge the lady." Boromir offers. Legolas gives him the Death Glare.
"All right," Faramir sighs. He pulls off the road and Legolas fixes his makeup.
A few moments later…"So, how far until we get to dad's retirement place?"
"About 20 minutes." Legolas responds.
"I am not going in there." Faramir says.
"Why not?"
"Have you all forgotten?" Faramir asks in wonder.
"Yeah…"
"The man we're going to see tried to turn me into a HUMAN MARSHMALLOW!" Faramir yells.
"Oh yeah…"
"So I'm not going."
"Oh, come on, Faramir, it's not that bad!" Aragorn says.
"NOT THAT BAD?" Faramir shrieks.
"Uh…we can give you a disguise!"
"Now that's a good idea."
In some Gas Station on the Road…"Ok, Faramir, are you done in there?" Boromir asks.
"NO! Leave me alone!" Faramir yells from inside the bathroom door.
"Come on, the disguise can't be that bad," Aragorn says.
"Ohoho! But it can!" Faramir yells.
"What was the disguise, anyway?" Boromir asks Legolas.
"I dunno, it was just in the box we had in the trunk labeled 'disguise'."
"Sounds mysterious!" Aragorn says mysteriously.
"Come on, Faramir, we won't laugh." Boromir says.
"NO!"
Some tourists pass Boromir talking (seemingly) to a bathroom door and give him a strange look.
"Uh haha, visit lovely…Edoras!" Boromir says, waving.
"We're no where near Edoras." Legolas mutters.
"I'm not coming out of this bathroom." Faramir says.
"Oh yes you will…" Boromir mutters.
"No I will not and you can't make me." Faramir pouts from inside the bathroom (Still).
"All right, then. We'll just leave you there." Boromir says.
"We can't do that!" Legolas screams.
"And why not?"
"Because he's a strategic plot device!"
"Shoot."
"Hahaha, I'll just stay where I—SPIDER! AHHHH!" Faramir screams.
Sounds like a shoe killing a spider are heard, along with Faramir laughing evilly. Pomp and Circumstance plays after Faramir has killed the spider. Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas look at the sky, confused. They shake their heads and the music stops.
"Is he always like that around spiders?" Aragorn asks.
"Yeah, pretty much." Boromir says.
"Come on, Faramir just come out." Aragorn pleads.
"You promise not to laugh?" Faramir asks.
"On our honor." Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir say.
"All right."
The sound of a lock being opened can be heard and Faramir steps out.
"Holy…" Aragorn says, trying not to laugh.
"Uh…" Boromir says, also trying not to laugh.
"That's the perfect color for your eyes!" Legolas screams.
"SHUT UP!" Faramir yells.
"Nice disguise." Boromir laughs.
"I'll sock you. Seriously. Don't make me…" Faramir says.
"Hey, shouldn't the readers be entitled to discover what kind of disguise Faramir's in?" Aragorn asks.
How'd he know that? Anyway…
Poor Faramir's disguise is…a nice blue dress. Complete with corset, ruffles at the sleeves, and hoop skirts.
"You seriously want me to go up to dad dressed like this?" Faramir asks.
"Uh…yeah." Boromir says.
"You're so kind." Faramir snaps.
"Are you wearing high heels?" Aragorn questions.
"Uh…"
"Yes he is! Those are PRADA!" Legolas screams.
"Wow, Faramir. You sure are in touch with your feminine side." Boromir laughs. He falls down from laughter and starts rolling around on the ground, as does Aragorn.
"It's ok, Faramir, a lot of guys out there wear high heels." Legolas says.
"Name 10."
"Uh…"
"See? I'll be a laughing stock!"
"Now, now, Faramir, we still have to apply the makeup…"
"MAKEUP?" Faramir yells.
"Makeup?" Boromir and Aragorn say. They start laughing all over again.
"Faramir, if you're going to do something, you might as well do it right." Legolas says.
"Yeah! Now you'll really look like a girl." Boromir laughs.
"What about my fine 5:00 shadow?" Faramir asks.
"Ladies don't have 5:00 shadows." Legolas says seriously.
"So you know what that means…" Aragorn says severely.
"NO! You can't!" Faramir wails.
"Unfortunately, we have to." Boromir chuckles.
"NOOOOOO!"
Back in the bathroom…"Strap him to the toilet." Legolas orders.
"NOOOO!" Faramir screams.
"Oh, come off it." Boromir says.
Boromir and Aragorn tie Faramir to the toilet (yes the cover is down, in case you were wondering) with their belts (I didn't know they were even wearing belts). Faramir is screaming about injustice and other things.
"All right. Someone's going to have to hold him down." Legolas suggests.
Aragorn and Boromir look at each other.
"Fine, but only because I'm his brother." Boromir gripes.
"Now…razor." Legolas says. Aragorn hands him a razor.
"NO! Not the sexy hot 5:00 shadow!" Faramir screams.
But in 2 minutes, it's gone.
"Blush."
"NOOO!"
But in 2 minutes Faramir has blush on him. ("It brings out your wonderful cheekbones!" Legolas says).
"Eye shadow!" Legolas calls.
"NO!"
Again, in 2 minutes Faramir has eye shadow.
"Mascara!" Legolas says.
"AHHHH!"
"And lastly… lipstick!"
"Muahahahahahaha!" Boromir, Legolas, and Aragorn laugh.
After about 10 minutes, Faramir is looking rather like a girl. Poor guy.
"Wow, Faramir. You really look lovely." Boromir snorts.
"Oh, shut up."
"Maybe we should go see Denethor now." Aragorn offers.
"Yeah, we should. Hurry, before Faramir's makeup starts running!" Legolas says.
A/N: My poor Faramir. In case you're wondering where I got the idea of dressing Fari up like a guy, check out Van Helsing: The London Assignment. It's funny. Has to do with David Wenham's character.