Seventeen messages

Folken leisurely strolled into his apartment, looking forward to checking his answering machine, especially since he hadn't checked it in a couple days. Sitting down in his chair, Folken popped open a can of light beer (A guy has to watch his figure) and clicked on his answering machine.

Answering Machine (AM) : You have Seventeen messages. First message…

/beep/

"This is Mrs Myers from across the hall. My mailbox was graffiti shortly after I told your brother to stop eating my blueberries in the community garden. Now, I'm not saying that he did it but the graffiti did say 'El Vandardo!' So, I assume--"

AM: (Beep) Message deleted,. Second message…

"Hello bro, it's your favourite brother! Guess where I'm going…Into the mountains to hunt the wild and elusive wild turkey! Yes, those majestic and noble creatures. I feel so honoured to be able to hunt them. Well, I got to go. If I find one, I'll bring you one back."

AM: (Beep) Message deleted. Third message…

"Hi Folken. Guess what Allen did? He threw away my leather outfit! So, I was going through garbage bins and I found this really awesome toilet seat you might like…OOOH! Look at this! I found a genuine hobo hat! Now, this is what I call a good find. My god! There's even toliet paper and its barely even used! Some people don't know a good thing if it--"

AM: (Beep) Message deleted. Fourth message…

"This is the sewage and waste management plant calling. We found a strange person by the name of Dilandau in one of our garbage bins. He said you were his emergency contact to vouch for him. If so, please call 1-800-3---"

AM: (Beep) Message deleted. Fifth message…

"You will never guess where I am. I'm at Solum's point in a field surrounded by thousands, litraly thousands of savage turkeys (Turkey sounds Blahahahaha) and I don't think they like me! (Angry Turkey noises) Oh no! I've angered them! Ahhh! No NO, I didn't mean it! NO! (Van's screams fade into turkey clucks) /Click/ (line goes dead)

AM: Message saved. Sixth message…

"Hey, it's Allen. Oh my god, Folken you know what I just found! A website that has stories about us! It's a terrible place where people write about relationships we have and alternate endings to Escaflowne! This place is pure evil, I say! There's this story about Van and I and we're…We're…(Sobs in background) We're gay! And there's this other one where this crazy lady has me in a jar! Another one that was worse was this one where I had a talk show and Dilandau and I were overly gay…and you were dressed up in a…Frilly dress!"

AM: Message Deleted. Seventh message…

"Folken, it's Hitomi calling. Have you seen the news? It's about Van! My poor Van! (sobs) H…How…How he's…I'll put the phone up to the TV (sniff)

"Hikers were out exploring the forest ,walking across a field at Solum's point. There, lying in the field, they found a bloodied and barely conscious man that appeared to have been severely pecked. Authorities believe the young man was attacked by a gang of wild turkeys that have been roaming around theses mountains for years. This has been the sixth attack this year." (Hitomi comes back on the line)

"Oh god…Poor Van! He's going to the hospital so I'll call you later."

AM: (Beep) Message deleted. Eighth message…

"This is Mr Mai's attorney's office. We have those papers ready for you to sign. Mr Fanel, I know this may seem strange to you but you really have to stop stealing eggs. it's good for my buissness but…Well, lets just say that when the sign says 'Free Range Eggs' it doesn't mean that they're free!"

AM: Message deleted. Ninth message…

"It's Chesta. Thanks for all the eggs, Folken. Where did you get them? If I didn't know better I'd say that you stole them, but that would be just crazy--"

AM: Message deleted. Tenth message…

"This is Miguel and I'm going up the stupid stairs in this building because the elevator is under repairs. Damn elevator! I had to walk up twenty-one stories of this damn building already. I'm so damn tired and--Ahhhh (thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud….)

(Over the intercom) "Wheelchair to floor three."

AM: Message deleted. Eleventh message….

"Chesta here. I was just thinking. Do you think bleach can kill you? I mean, yea it has a warning label on it but do you think they really mean it? For all that we know, it could taste really good! So, I'm going to try it and there's nothing you can do about it! Oh crap! (Cops in the background) That stupid turkey hunter ratted me out!--"

AM: Message deleted. Twelfth message…

"Hello brother. Hitomi told me that she phoned you. I'm in the hospital because of those stupid….turkeys! I'm so going to get them one day! All their 20 pound turkey bodies are going to be on my dinning room table! Hahahahaha! They're going to pay for what they did to me….

(Hitomi's voice comes into the background)

"Van, are you on the phone?"

"No."

"Yes you are! I leave to get some food from the cafeteria and you're on the phone!"

"I'm not on the phone!"

"Every time I turn around you're on the phone rambling about your plan for revenge on the turkeys!"

"They attacked me! They deserve it!"

"They're wild animals, Van. They don't plan to attack people!"

"If you saw their eyes., you would know."

"Oh god, Van! Your delusional---"

AM: Message deleted. Thirteenth message …

"FOLKEN! HELP ME! Leave me alone Chesta!"

"You ratted me out!"

"I saved your damn life. You should be thanking me!"

"You ruined everything! Ahhhhh (battle scream)

"Leave me alone! FOLKEN HELP!"

AM: Message deleted. Fourteenth message…

Hello brother! I forgive you for abandoning me to a fate almost worse than that turkey attack. I got Chesta transferred to a different room…What a relief. Now, I have Miguel in here with me. He's in a full body cast, so I'm not to worried about him. Who knew a guy who drank three cups of bleach could strangle someone so effectively?--

AM: Message deleted. Fifteenth message…

Folken I'm sure you received the message that you have to vouch for me…Didn't you? But since you didn't call back they had to hold me. Don't worry, I managed to escape…With my hobo hat! I also found this awesome jacket and hobo pants! Right now, I'm on the run from the hobo police. I mean, come on! I'm not a hobo! Hello! Ahhhhh…A MANHOLE!

AM: Message deleted. Sixteenth message…

Folken, help me from my crazy girlfriend!

"Van, get off the phone! And you're not going home tomorrow!"

"But I wanna…"

"NO!"

"But Hitomi, why not?"

"Because!"

"I promise not to go turkey hunting crazy…"

"You promise, Van?"

"…….ya."

AM: Message deleted. Seventeenth message…

Hi Folken. Hitomi went out shopping …so I got my turkey hunting equipment ready. Chainsaw…Check. Fire bazooka…Check. Spear…Check. Stealth equipment…Check. Well, I'm set. Now I'm off to live amongst them and learn their bloody ways! Muhahahahahaha!

AM: Message deleted. End of messages.

There was silence as Folken swirled what was left of his lite beer in his beer can. His face remained emotionless as he tried to make some sense of the messages he just listened to.

"…Well, that was fun. I'm going to bed."

A/N My computers back and im so happy, i feel whole again!