Author Note: I'd like to take a moment to thank all who have reviewed this story thus far. Your critiques, compliments, comments, and feedback in general are always a pleasure, and I hope you are getting a kick out of this story.

However, several reviews made me realize that I need to clarify something: I had NO intention of retelling the canon story of how Akane got her mallet, regardless of where it actually came from. I thought that with the likes of Wile E. Coyote galavanting about, it would be obvious that this story is about as serious as a clown on April Fools' Day. Then again, I guess everyone reads into things differently. Don't get me wrong; I do appreciate your information, but the fact is that it doesn't pertain to "The Rise and Fall" in the slightest. Enjoy this story for what it is: an exercise in silliness designed to make you grin. With that said, on to the story...

"Hmm... It's pretty dark in here," Ranma thought, cautiously opening the door to the dojo.

It was compeltely dark, and (even more disturbing) all of the cacophony from earlier had completely ceased, leaving only an eerie silence. His eyes darted left and right, searching for signs of "she-who-gets-violent-when-angry", but Akane was seemingly nowhere to be found.

"Akane? Yo! You in here?" he called as he made his way to the light switch. Again, no answer. Turning the light on, he saw that she had indeed left, but he also noticed a small scroll sitting in the middle of the dojo floor.

"Huh. Now, what could that be?" he wondered aloud. Walking over, he picked the small object up and examined it.

Ranma quickly noticed that the scroll was wrapped in a seal. Narrowing his eyes, he read it aloud.

"Tendo Anything-Goes Ultimate Technique: Strike of the Divine Mallet. Not to be opened by any nosy, obnoxious boys with pigtails."

"So, I'm 'obnoxious', eh?" Ranma growled. Spotting a pail of mopwater in the corner, he smirked and said, "Can anyone say 'loophole'? Heh, heh, heh..."

Splash!

"Didn't say anything about nosy, obnoxious girls with pigtails..." female Ranma remarked, breaking the seal. She unrolled the scroll on the hardwood floor and looked it over. To her great surprise, it didn't contain a single word; only pictures. (RANMA: "Figures... any scroll written by that girl would be a picture book.") In the center was a picture of an enormous, cartoony hammer, and in each corner of the scroll was a different sketch. The first showed two stick figures, a boy and a girl, walking together. In the second, the boy was apparently shouting at the girl. In the third, the girl was shouting back. The last picture was the most perplexing, however... it was nothing but a very large arrow pointing up.

"What the... this doesn't make any sense!" Ranma angrily protested. Pocketing the scroll, she muttered, "Whatever. Maybe this'll make more sense in the morning."

The pigtailed fighter quickly turned off the light and made her exit; she didn't want to stay in there any longer than necessary. Although Ranma had never been the paranoid type, she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched...

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The next day, on the way to school...

"Man, what's wrong with her this morning?" Ranma wondered, glancing irritably at his scowling fiancee. "Normally, she would have at least thrown a few insults my way by now. I guess I have to ask 'the question'..."

"Akane, what's the matter with you this morning?" he queried. "Is it that time of--"

"Of course not, you jerk!" she snapped. "It's just that I don't like talking to thieves! Can you blame me for that, hmm?"

Ranma hopped off the fence, blocking her way. He angrily growled, "Now, whaddya mean by that? You trying to say that I'm a thief?"

"Yup."

Ranma sweatdropped. "Well, I'm not!"

Akane sneered, "Oh, shut up! I watched you steal my scroll last night!"

Ranma's eyes widened and he swallowed nervously. So, his martial arts instincts were right. Someone HAD been watching him in the dojo! The big question now was how to get out of this situation. He could run away, apologize and give it back, or...

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he fibbed.

"You're such a liar! I saw you take it with my own eyes!" Akane yelled.

Ranma snarled, "Now who's the liar? I looked all over that place before I went in, and... oops."

He covered his hands with his mouth as he realized his mistake. Akane held out her hand and made the "gimme" motion. Releasing a frustrated sigh, Ranma pulled the scroll out of his pocket and tossed it into her hands.

"It's not like it says anything important, anyway..." he muttered. "Besides, any technique you could come up with has to be pretty blasted simple."

"What? I'll have you know I practiced my new technique all night before I perfected it!" she informed him, hands on her hips.

"Oh, that was you training?" Ranma retorted sarcastically. "And here I thought all of that banging and smashing was just you hopping up and down on the dojo floor!"

"What... did... you... say?" Akane hissed, cracking her knuckles and giving Ranma a glare that made his blood run cold. Her battle aura flared up to the height of a two-story building, and Ranma had the sinking feeling that he was a goner. To his shock, however, Akane powered down and looked up with a smile on her face.

"I'll tell you what, Ranma," she said. "Come straight home after school, and I'll show you my new technique. Sound fun?"

He scratched his head. "Uh... well..."

"Great! Then I'll see you there!"

With these words, Akane dashed out of sight. As Ranma trudged toward the school, he heard a passing Buddhist monk remark, "Oh, my... What an unlucky face that young man has! I sense an ominous future for him..."

"Why me?" Ranma groaned aloud.

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Opening the door to the dojo, Ranma shouted, "All right, Akane. I'm here! What did you want to show me?"

Ranma looked and felt much more confident than he had been that morning. After reflecting on it for a while, he felt sure that Akane couldn't come up with anything too terribly powerful. First, she had let up in her training considerably in the last month, and he doubted that she could get "caught up" in one afternoon. Second, she wasn't all that creative most of the time. Third, whatever it was, he was sure he could figure out a counter to it before she managed to get a good hit in. He would be careful, but there was no need to worry (oh, poor, arrogant Ranma!).

"Well, where are you? Yoohoo! Any tomboys around?" he called, chuckling. Ranma seemed to be the only one there, and he was just about to leave when he heard a voice call out his name.

"Hey, Ranma! Over here!"

"Huh?" he gasped, whirling around. "Where the heck are you, Akane?"

To his shock, she stepped out from behind a mop leaning against the wall. Ranma did a quick double-take, comparing Akane's medium build to the inch-wide mop handle. Something very weird was going on.

"Okaaaaaay... care to explain how you just did that? Where were you just now?" he muttered, confused.

"The same place where I hide... this!" Akane exclaimed, pulling an enormous mallet from behind her back.

"W-w-w-what the heck is that?" Ranma squeaked.

Akane merely smirked and shouted, "My ultimate weapon! Ultimate Technique: Strike of the Divine Mallet!"

Ranma was too freaked out to move and could only watch in paralyzed fear as Akane rushed toward him, mallet raised.

"DIE, RANMA!"

WHAAAAAM!

"YEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ranma screamed as he flew out of sight. Watching the ground grow smaller and two nearby airplanes grow closer, the pigtailed punching bag slowly felt consciousness slipping away. Right before he passed out, he remembered the pictures on the side of the scroll.

"Aha... so that's... what it meant..."

With that, everything went black. His unconscious body collided with the first airplane, making a nasty "splat" sound and bouncing onto the second. After being stuck on a window for a few seconds (and scaring one of the passengers, William Shatner, half to death in the process), he slid off and began falling again. Finally, he slammed through the roof of a building and landed... well, right next to Akane. Yup, it would seem that Ranma crashed right back inside the Tendo Dojo.

Swinging the mallet behind her back and dropping it... wherever it goes, Akane chuckled softly. "Well, it looks like the technique is a complete success!"

She looked down at her unconscious fiance, pointed, and laughed. "Ha, ha, HA! Suck on that, Ranma!"

She turned around to walk away, but she was so busy gloating that she didn't notice the mop from earlier. The rather clumsy girl tripped over it, falling and spraining her ankle.

"WAAAAAH! I'm such a clutz..." she sobbed.

And so, a mighty legend was born: the legend of the Almighty Mallet of Retribution, which was to forever change the lives of our heroes. It was to strike again and again, existing only to serve the whims of its mistress, Akane Tendo. Ranma Saotome was to receive many a concussion by its mighty hand, on average about 87 a day. Perhaps it will someday hammer Akane's point home: a woman with a big hammer is not to be trifled with.

Um... To tell the truth, that's only in fan fiction. In the actual manga and anime, it was to strike fairly often, causing Ranma Saotome many a serious headache. Whenever his unkind words cut Akane to the bone, she would wreak her righteous revenge by means of this enchanted hammer of justice...

OKAY, OKAY! So maybe the mallet appears very rarely in the manga and even more rarely in the anime. So maybe she uses her bokken just as much and her fists even more often. It doesn't really matter. The mallet is a freakin' huge weapon of destruction that appears out of nowhere to dispense pain whenever Akane darn well feels like it.

And what fan in their right mind could resist writing about something like that?

THE EVER-LOVIN' END

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Hey, folks! I hope you enjoyed the wondrous story of how Akane got that legendary mallet. It took some thought and serious consideration... Okay, so it was mostly random nonsense that popped into my head. Whatever gets the job done, right? Hahaha!

Here's the little "cameo and obscure references glossary" that I promised you:

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1. Wile E. Coyote - Anybody who has ever watched cartoons ought to know who this is, but for you sheltered few who don't know (yes, all two of you), he is an awesome Loony Toons character that lives in the desert and exists to hunt road runners. Actually, just one particular road runner. He hasn't caught him yet, though...
2. Ataru, Shinobu, Ryuunosuke, and Soban - These are all characters from Rumiko Takahashi's first big hit, "Urusei Yatsura". You don't need to know much for the purposes of this fic, but I'll give you a little overview. Ataru is the unluckiest guy on earth and a dedicated pervert (think young Happosai). Shinobu is his former girlfriend, a strong-willed gal who could probably beat Akane in arm-wrestling if she was angry enough at the time. Ryuunosuke is the only person in the world with a father worse than Genma; she's a girl, but her dad forces her to dress and act like a boy because he wanted a son. Finally, Soban is one of the freakiest characters ever created. The only thing bigger than this gang leader's lips is his (non-mutual) love for Shinobu. Anyway, I'd strongly recommend UY to those of you who have yet to try it.
3. 1960's Batman series - Famous for its ridiculous sound effects (such as "Kapow!", "Zonk!", and "Kablooie!") which were always written on-screen in huge, cartoony letters.
4. The Buddhist priest - Another character from "Urusei Yatsura" by the name of Cherry. He is Happosai's predecessor: a tiny little bald man who lives to torment the regular cast. Unlike Happosai, he's not perverted, but he is a gluttonous weirdo who is always making pronouncements of doom (that tend to come true).
5. William Shatner - The man. Most of you know him as Captain Kirk of "Star Trek", but I consider his acting on "The Twilight Zone" some of his best work. In perhaps the most famous TZ episode ever, "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet", our boy spotted a gremlin on the wing of his plane. Who knew that gremlins had pigtails, huh? (snicker)
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Anyhoo, that's about it. I hope you enjoyed it, but please leave some feedback (good or bad) regardless. Thanks!