Hermione's "Detention"

Rating: T

Summary: Hermione gets a "detention" with Snape. Harry and Ron rush off to Save Her Chastity.

The last few minutes of potions class passed by slowly, the thick silence of the dungeon penetrated only by the quiet scratching of quill on parchment.

Finally, Snape's voice rang out through the silenced class—the only time his voice was welcome, as far as the Gryffindors were concerned.

"Time's up, hand the tests in. Class dismissed."

Quills and supplies were haphazardly thrown into bags, and chair legs screeched as everyone fought to leave the classroom as quickly as possible, pausing only to hand in their test at Snape's desk.

Snape sneered derisively at each parchment being stacked on his desk, until a certain bushy-haired Gryffindor placed her test on top of the pile.

"Miss Granger. Please stay after class."

At these words, Harry and Ron automatically stopped too, waiting for their friend, and hoping to defend her from whatever injustice the greasy git had planned.

Snape raised an eyebrow at this, although he did not look particularly surprised. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley…you may both wait for Miss Granger outside."

Glaring, they exited the potions room grudgingly, after first sending Hermione a sympathetic glance.

Once outside of the chilly dungeons classroom, Harry turned to Ron. "What do you think that smarmy git wants Mione for…?"

"I dunno, let's find out…" He grinned deviously at Harry, and pulled out a long, flesh-colored string.

Harry's eyes lit up. "Brilliant! Extendable Ears!"

Soon, both were huddled at one end of the tapering string.

"…oh Professor…tonight? I've been waiting so long for today…ever since our sessions began!"

Harry and Ron's eyebrows shot up in confusion. What was this? Hermione sounded…excited? When Professor Snape was concerned? And they'd had past meetings!

"Yes, Miss Granger. I believe tonight will be most…enjoyable. Also, please do remember to wear suitable clothing, in case they incur any damage."

"Of course, Professor." Harry and Ron turned to each other, eyes wide. Hermione sounded breathy. Sensible, practical, Hermione Granger sounded breathy. What in the world was going on? "Should I come prepared with protection too? And supplies?"

"No, I have long since prepared everything we might need. Just make sure you show up on time. And remember to be cautious, we wouldn't want anyone to discover our meetings." Strange, Snape's voice sounded different as well. Warmer, perhaps—there was no hint of the biting sarcasm present when he conversed with (or rather, snapped at) Gryffindors.

Ron had pulled the Extendable Ear back before they could her Hermione's response, but Harry had heard enough. "Ron, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Ron grimaced, his skin covered with a greenish hue. "If what you're thinking is extremely disturbing and shagging-related, then yes. I am."

The two rushed off to the closest lavatory, desperate to empty their stomachs.

Meanwhile, Hermione had finished her impromptu appointment with Professor Snape. Walking out into the hall and expecting either "raging-mad-at-being-dismissed-Harry-and-Ron" or "anxiously-worried-and-sympathetic-Harry-and-Ron," she was surprised to see them gone.

"Boys…" she sighed, shaking her head but smiling fondly. She was in too good of a mood to be upset, really, and contented herself with imagining the meeting later that night with Professor Snape.

Hushed whispers came from the corner of the Gryffindor common room, where Harry and Ron were lounging, exhausted from their mad bathroom dash and subsequent regurgitation of breakfast.

"What are we going to do? We can't just leave Mione in the lecherous paws of that slimy bastard!"

Harry nodded vigorously. Hermione may be a brilliant witch, but she was still such an innocent. "I agree. Let's take the cloak and follow her…make sure she isn't hurt.

And if we get evidence that Snape is…being inappropriate, then we can prevent it."

Hermione headed to her "detention" with Professor Snape eagerly, trying to repress the urge to skip and giggle gleefully. After all, it would seem suspicious that she was excited about cleaning cauldrons, or picking apart eyes of newt.

It was a good thing Harry and Ron weren't suspicious at all. Of course, they had, strangely, given each other a nervous glance when she told them about the "detention," but she figured it was a reasonable enough reaction.

She walked briskly, and soon arrived at the dungeons. She knocked softly on the door. "Professor Snape, I'm here."

An impatient grunt sounded, and the door opened a crack. Hermione slipped in quickly, careful to close and relock the door.

A frustrated sigh sounded from across the hall, seemingly in midair. Harry and Ron, clustered there under Harry's invisibility cloak, hadn't managed to slip in with Hermione successfully.

"I guess we'll just have to make do with being out here till Mione needs us. Get out the Extendable Ear," muttered Harry's disembodied voice.

There was no response, other than a barely noticeable fleshy object slithering underneath the door of the potions room.

"Miss Granger, are you sure you're prepared for this?"

"Yes, Professor, I'm positive. I don't want to hold you back any more."

"Nonsense. Who else would you expect me to do it with? Malfoy?"

They heard a quiet snigger. Snape had made a joke, and Hermione laughed at it. No wait, that wasn't even the disturbing part. Snape and Hermione were going to shag!

"Well, there are places that offer this special kind of service." Hermione's voice was light, teasing.

"You know quite as well as I do that I wouldn't be able to trust the likes of them."

"So you personally trained your own specialist?"

"Exactly. Now enough of the small talk, I have much planned for us tonight."

Then there was silence, and a quiet rustling of cloth. Harry turned to Ron uneasily. Ron looked furious, ready to barge into the room and pummel Snape to a bloody pulp. It seemed that the only reason he hadn't already was because of shock.

Harry opened his mouth uncertainly, but then they picked up noise once more. A squishing, squelching noise that Harry recognized as the noise from Dudley's porn videos, accompanied by soft, breathy sounds. He paled. They were too late.

Too quickly for him to do anything, Harry saw Ron dash out from under the invisibility cloak.

"Alohamora!" Harry had no idea how Ron managed to articulate the spell, as red as he was.

He quickly rushed to join Ron in Mission Saving-Hermione's-Chastity, stopped dead as he ran into Ron's immobile form. "What…"

Ron blinked stupidly, staring at the scene in front of him. "You're…you're not…"

There was a look of shock on Hermione's face. "Ron? Harry? What are you two doing here?"

Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun, and she was wearing old, ratty muggle clothes. She was bent over a table holding a dead frog—obviously removing its eyes for a potion.

Snape, on the other hand, was hovering over a cauldron simmering peacefully with quiet wind-like noises, but shifting color rapidly. He was holding a handful of asphodel leaves, about to stir them in before Harry and Ron had so rudely barged in.

Suddenly, the potion, as if missing the attention currently held by the two would-be Saviors-of-Hermione's-Chastity, began to give off a whining noise, steam suddenly rising heavily from the surface of the cauldron.

Both Snape and Hermione turned back to the potion, breaking the awkward tension in the air. Hermione was panicked and it was obvious Snape was extremely displeased. In an About-To-Squash-Annoying-Gryffindor-Bugs kind of way. Hermione was too busy rushing toward the temperamental potion to send them anything but a death glare. A Very Scary Death Glare of Doom. Harry gulped. That was bad. Very bad.

Hermione and Snape both started fussing with the cauldron frantically, trying to salvage the potion. However, if the steadily increasing pitch of the bubbling potion meant anything, it was futile. They all seemed to realize that at the same time, and Snape wordlessly cleared the useless mess away.

Both Hermione and Snape turned slowly, ominously toward the Gryffindor boys. Snape, sensing that Hermione was planning on taking care of things perfectly, simply stood back, loathing and resentment burning in his gaze.

Hermione turned on them, furious. "What exactly did you hope to accomplish here? Barging in like that when we were brewing the REVOLUTIONARY potion that could possibly help DEFEAT VOLDEMORT? The potion, might I add, that takes exactly HALF A YEAR to prepare!"

"Well…" Harry and Ron backed away nervously, "We thought…we thought…" Harry trailed off weakly.

"AND!" Hermione continued thunderously. "Did you even CONSIDER that I might be trying to start off a career in potions? That you might be ruining the BEST OPPORTUNITY I've EVER had?"

"So you aren't shagging Snape…?"

Hermione blinked, and started laughing. Surprisingly, Snape smirked as well. "And who says she isn't?" he drawled, coming up behind Hermione to encircle his arms around her waist.

With a gulp, Harry and Ron raced for the bathroom to empty their stomachs the second time that day.

AN: Well, that's it…this story came to me at 2 am, and it sounded like a good idea then…but if you think it's just weird and not funny at all, there's your reason. Also, please R/R; I had given up writing for a while ago, but if I get some inspiring reviews I might be encouraged to take it up again. And no flames please, but constructive criticism is nice.

Also, the part at the end, when Snape implies he's shagging Hermione could be just a joke…or maybe not. You get to decide, since my plot bunnies have run off to play with my previously thought-to-be-dead muses. "

Thanks for reading!

Starlight Chibi-Chan