Author Note: No net make Admiral Blueberry lose her blueberries. One of the guys at college is right pervert. If he comes near me I'll be sure he can never reproduce.
Disclaimer: Don't own Walter Sullivan, Claudia Wolfe, Jasper Gein, Hitler, Germany, England, Spain, and chocolate milk thanks to Jasper.
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Yet another overcast, foggy day in the supposedly beautiful resort town of Silent Hill.
Today we find everyone's favourite homicidal maniac at the lighthouse in the resort area of the quiet town. Since we last saw Walter he has done a lot. He has had five law suits filed against him, been on trial for murder at least eighteen times, danced with cute fluffy animals when not high, and sold his monkey to the circus. The monkey had rabies. The question is what does Walter plan to do next with his life.
Currently Walter is getting a manicure from one of the Patient Demons. How it can actually do that is quite the mystery. After all this acid spewing beasts arms are melted onto it's body. No-one can really complain though. Both beast and murderer appear to be quite content. Too content. Could they be brewing up something evil? Most likely as a round two for today's contestants has not been thought up yet.
A crowd of zombies are slowly shuffling their way over to the quiet lighthouse. At the speed they are going they will reach the lighthouse once the 21 Sacraments have been completed. One other thing; if you are not worried about those zombies, maybe you should think again. Silent Hill may have more than its fair share of odd creatures but zombies are not. Exactly what they are doing in town is unknown. They possibly shuffled over from the next town over. Maybe Ashfield or Brahams. Possibly from another zombie infested town like Newcastle or the White House, it is like a mini town, or some other random zombie infested city.
Today's audience have taken their places. They are singing songs of praise to their God, whatever that may be. Is is Sameal or Incubus, or maybe that huge thing Heather killed. Whatever it is, it does not matter unless Claudia Wolfe is in the room, in that case worship it like you do your collection of porn.
As the audience continues to sing their praise, Walter takes his place in front of the audience. As usual Walter has that smile on his face. The one that says that he has something evil planned. Something so evil that it can not be described. In his right hand he carrying his trusty spoon of doom. It appears to be dripping with fresh blood. This means he has either been digging it into his own neck or someone else's. Most likely the latter since there are some Sniffer Dogs doing whatever they do to a recently deceased. In his other hand he is carrying what appears to be brochures.
"I'm going on holiday." He says waving about the holiday brochures. "First I'm going to Germ Army. I'm going to bring back some incurable disease and have dinner with Adolph Hitler, but keep that last part secret. Everyone thinks he's dead, but he's going to make a comeback along with Elvis and 2pac." His smile widens. "And then I'm going to go to Ingaland. Did you know Britain is in Ingaland? There I'm going to ride the Tube with a rucksack. I've heard the police go nuts for that sort of thing there. Finally I'm going to go to S Pain. I think the 'S' stands for 'sadistic' which means Sadistic Pain. They just censor the sadistic part. I heard they want to censor this show. That really f... " The next line from Walter has been censored by Harry Mason's Censorship to Prevent Violence in Young Children (HMCPVYC.)
Before Walter can go into another rant about censorship the voice of the Haunted Borley Mansion takes over to introduce this weeks contestants. He was rehired on the basis no-one else would take the job. Not even Henry who was offered freedom if he took the job. That came straight from Walter's mouth. Once again Henry has been locked in his room. This time it is because he can't find his keys. Which is pretty close to what happened last time.
"Welcome to the Haunted Bor... I mean the 21 Sacraments Game Show." the Borley voice says. "This months first contestant will take an hour just to answer a simple question. He also holds the world record for length of time to drink a bottle of chocolate milk. Be prepared to laugh since he is still a virgin, it's Jasper Gein."
As the audience burst into roars of laughter, Jasper walks sheepishly towards the set where Walter is waiting. Jasper turns to face the audience. "I'm n-n-n-no-no-not a vir-vir-vir-virgin." This is only makes the audience laugh harder. Jasper sighs and looks towards Walter. With a shrug he walks over to the other side of the set. If you look closely at Walter you can see he is fighting the urge to go kill Jasper.
The Haunted Borley Mansion voice returns. "It's time to meet our second contestant for today." He says with a hint of excitement. "She is a true follower of our God. She enjoys running by the lake naked, and doing the can-can. Our second contestant for today is Claudia Wolfe." A chorus of cheers and whistles. Some fireworks are set off by some of the monsters. Another monster waves a banner saying Claudia Wears My Socks!; whatever that may mean.
Can-can music begins playing as can-can dancers enter the studio from all four entrances. The dancer do their dance at the sides of the audience while Walter gleefully claps his hands in time with the music. There is a Robbie the Rabbit in the middle of the dancer doing something that is quite unmentionable. He is a naughty rabbit. With a cloud of smoke Claudia appears in the centre of the set. If there was awards that went with the 21 Sacraments Game Show; Claudia would win Best Entrance. Walter begins doing the can-can with the dancers. This continues for at least ten minutes and yet the audience do not seem to mind.
With everyone calmed down from all the excitement the show can finally begin. Walter takes his usually place in front of both contestants. Before speaking he clears his throat. "The first round is the question round. It's very simple. Answer a question correctly. It's possible to get three points in this round; one point for each correct answer. The first of today's round is if Harry runs north on Bachman Road, James runs south on Midwich Street, and I kill Henry on Bloch Street; how long will it take for them to discover the corpse?"
Jasper waves his hand in the air. It appears he knows what the answer is. Walter ignores him and gives his spoon a hug. Claudia looks at Jasper and smiles at him. Quite a sadistic looking smile it is. "1 minute. God lead them there on the path to paradise where there is no hatred, no suffering." Claudia. Jasper gives her a dirty look.
"Correct." Walter says. "The next question is why is the pus and blood oozing through the walls? My God, it's getting on my shoes. This is the third time today. Maybe I should see a doctor."
Claudia's eye is twitching. Possibly because she feels that Walter was mocking God, or possibly because she has just remembered she forgot to turn her oven off. Jasper is busy examining his shoes for some reason. It appears he has not even heard the question. Claudia's eye twitches again. "It is the PTV. That's why the walls are oozing pus and blood." Claudia answers.
Walter nods his head. "Yeah. Sure. That's the answer. How about we say Claudia wins this round because the monsters are going to attack any second now." Before anyone can agree with the suggestion he runs off to find his gun.
There is shuffling sound before a voice is heard. "Next round: Trashcan Hopping. First a word from Harry Mason."
Harry is sitting at a table with a serious look on his face. To his left is Cheryl drawing in her Drawing Block. To his right is Heather's corpse wearing a party hat and holding a martini. It appears they have been celebrating Heather's birthday.
"Are you tired of your child beating you over the head?"
An image of James being beat across the head with a large stick by Laura is shown. James is begging her to stop.
"Tired of having to pull you drunk child out of a fight and carry them home?"
An image of Walter carrying a drunk Little Walter is shown.
"Or just damn sick of your child stepping out in front of cars?"
An image of Alessa stepping in front of Harry's jeep is shown. Harry plows her down.
"Then why not donate money to Harry Mason's Censorship to Prevent Violence in Young Children today. There is no money back guarantee if this should not work out. Our aim is to control your children and later recruit them. To donate today just call this number 0800 giveharrymoney. Remember violence is wrong."
Cheryl spills glue onto Harry's lap. Harry looks down, his face goes red with anger. The screen cuts back to lighthouse.
"Violence is wrong my arse. He's the worst of them all for violence." Walter mumbles, standing next to a Pendulum. Some Mothbats come fluttering and hover near the Pendulum.
"Welcome back." Walter says while holding up a bag of white powder. "I went to Kaufmann and he gave me a bag of VTP to reverse the effects of the PTV." Walter walks over the edge of the lake where Jasper and Claudia are. The Pendulum and the Mothbats follow behind. In the lake there are trashcans as far as the fog will let one see.
"I have spent the last three months creating a new game and ordering piranhas from abroad." Walter says while smiling happily about his new pets. "The new game is called Trashcan Hopping. Like usual the rules are simple. You have to get from here to the Lakeview Hotel with the aid of the trashcans which are currently sinking. The first to the other side wins. You'll also be aided by either a Pendulum or two Mothbats. To decide who get which creature a coin shall be flipped. Heads Claudia gets the Pendulum, tails the stuttering freak gets the Pendulum." Walter flips. It lands on tails.
Both contestants are off.
Walter looks thoughtful then smiles as if he knows something Jasper and Claudia. "I forgot to mention I put my piranhas in the lake." Walter shrugs and decides to head to the hotel.
Meanwhile, on the lake, the Mothbats are proving to better at the aiding than the Pendulum. The Mothbats are gripping onto Claudia's dress and bouncing her off each trashcan. Claudia seems quite happy with this. So far none of the piranhas have had a nibble at her. She must be heavy though, both Mothbats are looking tired and are not flying so high.
Jasper is not doing too good at all. He found out the hard that there are piranhas in the lake. The Pendulum has proven to be useless. The times that it has bothered to help Jasper, Jasper has been flung thirty feet away from where the trashcans are floating. Currently Jasper is swimming away from piranhas. The Pendulum decides to take action. The Pendulum lifts Jasper out of the water. Within less than a second Jasper is flung in the direction of Claudia. Jasper crashes into Claudia, the Mothbats lose their grip on her. Both end up in the drink with a school piranhas swimming over to them.
Claudia screams and begins splashing and jumping on Jasper. The jumping on Jasper is intentional. She jumps out of the water and sprints across its surface; hopping over trashcans as she goes. Looks like Claudia should have been the mother of God, not Alessa. Within minutes she is at the front of the Lakeview Hotel. A few seconds later Jasper crashes through one of the hotel's windows after being flung by the Pendulum again. A few seconds later he comes out of the doors of the hotel, covered in cuts and bruises.
Walter walks over to his two contestants. He looks at Jasper. "No need to be cut up about it. You're only going to die." Walter laughs at his own bad joke. Jasper rolls away from him. Instead of rolling to safety he rolls into the lake. In the lake the piranhas are having a great feast.
"This month's winner is Claudia Wolfe."
The can-can dancers and begin dancing. Walter joins them.
Next time on 21 Sacraments Game Show: Andrew DeSalvo vs. Mary Shephard-Sunderland
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Author Note: Sorry took so long for an update. Been busy with college. Trying to find a way to get out before January. Anyway, Trashcan Hopping was inspired by watching too much Takeshi's Castle. I really, really love that show. Although 21 Sacraments Game Show makes that show look tame.