September 13, 2005

Ah... Obi-angst. How was my life complete before this! I hope you like the story, that's all I can say!

Disclaimer: If I owned Star Wars, Hotness Incarnate and Ani-slam Sextalker would have ended up together, and Petme Imadork would have died on Geonosis. That's all I can say about that! (smiley face)

Trapped Angels

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

Evanescence, "My Immortal"

The stars seemed so dull out in space, as though all of their lustre was somehow lost, without the comforting blanket of the atmosphere that sustained life. Stripped bare of that insulating layer, everything was harsher, removed of sentiment, left with only truth.

Truth….

Obi-Wan closed his eyes, inclining his head slowly to rest on his intertwined fingers. Jedi were supposed to seek the truth in all things, finding the legitimacy behind the pretty falsifications that the eyes preferred to see. Obi-Wan didn't know how long it had been since he had forgotten that, since he had become wilfully blind. He had cherished the illusion, had wanted to remain in the fantasy of perfection that had been his apprentice.

Anakin…. The boy he had cherished, had adored, and had inevitably lost.

It seemed that he lost everybody who ventured too close to him, any being foolish enough to place their trust in him. Master Qui-Gon, Padmé…Anakin. Given time, it seemed he could destroy anyone precious.

Just like a Sith Lord.

Obi-Wan Kenobi rebelled fiercely from that thought, pushing himself violently to his feet and stalking forward to the transparisteel vidscreen that allowed him to view the barren wasteland of the world below him. He hunched his shoulders slightly, drawing the rough brown weave of his cloak tighter across his chest, folding his arms into the wide sleeves. It did nothing to warm him; the chill came from inside, from the memories he associated with this desert sphere.

Tatooine. It seemed that the Force was not without its ironies. Here the story, no, the legend of Anakin Skywalker had begun. Here the sad tale of his former Master would end. It seemed fitting, in a bitter, hopeless way. A perfect exile.

It had started so innocently, as all catastrophes when viewed in hindsight did. His Padawan had been in love. Madly, irrevocably, and irrationally in love with Senator Amidala. Obi-Wan wasn't blind, he had seen it from the first time the two were reunited. That ethereal light that seemed to illuminate his Padawan from within, a luminous Force-glow that was as irrepressible as his spirit.

It had been his duty to report it to the Council. If he had, things may have been different. Why hadn't he done so? Why hadn't he managed to betray his Padawan for the sake of the Jedi Order, to which he owed his life?

Obi-Wan smiled cynically, leaning his face against the cool material, looking out into the void. Of course he knew why. It would have been hypocritical, as he too had been in love. Anakin enkindled the same light in him, just by being near. Intoxicating, that was the word. He had been completely intoxicated, so addicted to that boy, to his Force light, to his spirit.

Force but it hurt.

Anakin had always dared to go beyond the limits that his Master set; tested the boundaries that they had tried to capture him within, pushed farther than any other Jedi had dared go. Obi-Wan had chastised him for this as was appropriate, though he had always secretly admired his Padawan for the daring the boy showed. There had always been the comforting knowledge that he wasn't completely superfluous, that wherever he went, Anakin would always trust him to guard his back, to watch out for him. To be his partner, even if he was blessedly unrestricted by such petty things as regard for rules. In return for that trust, Obi-Wan would always be there to aid Anakin when he could, to fight alongside him… to even die for him if that was what was necessary.

Anything for the angel of light the Force had brought into his life.

How Obi-Wan had envied him, even as he worried endlessly for his friend. Anakin had given him so many frights that he was amazed his hair had retained its copper colour for so long, when by all rights, he should have been completely grey by the time he was thirty.

Oh, Anakin…. How he had been proud of him. He should have told him that more often.

Because his Anakin, his friend and brother, had continued to venture into places beyond Obi-Wan's reach, until he had gone too far to turn back.

And Obi-Wan Kenobi had been unable to protect him. He had failed in his duty and in his trust, and had lost something vitally precious to him as a result. He had lost his boy, his partner, the other half of his soul.

Oh Anakin….

Tatooine. He had never wanted to return to this place. This desolate wilderness that held so much blood and destiny in its continually shifting sands. Time had less meaning here, as though not a day had passed, nothing had changed, since the last time he had landed a spacecraft on the desert floor. This was the place where Anakin had begun his life as a Jedi. This was the place that Obi-Wan's existence as a Jedi would end. His life, and everything that had made it worth living, had already passed from him. A Jedi, living in the present moment, would have been able to let it go…somehow he could not.

He hated it here.

Memories swirled around him like sand caught in the bitter winds that flew over the dry plains. Qui-Gon's death, his final, whispered plea. Train the boy; he is the chosen one….

Anakin…This place held too much of his former friend. The blue sky was his eyes, the pale dunes the sculpted curve of his muscles. The wind that whipped across Obi-Wan's face contained the murmur of his voice. This place was harsh, untamed, and free… It was Anakin's soul. Now it was to be Obi-Wan's home, his atonement… his prison. Trapped forever beneath the dusty azure sky.

It was a prison of the mind, of the heart and soul, rather than of chains and cages. Those he could have escaped. No, he was held here by his guilt, the shame and culpability that burdened his spirit with immutable weights. Like Icharus, he had aspired so high, flying towards the light of his dreams, dreams that had centred on the peace Anakin would bring to the Force. Like Icharus, he had almost achieved that moment of grace, but had been burned in the attempt. He still carried those scars.

Like Icharus, he had fallen. He was falling still.

And now there was a new boy in his life to coax him to once more attempt the heights. A new being in his arms that stared up at him with all the solemnity and wisdom of the young.

He was unable to put into words the absolute longing that he felt when he first beheld the boy. The precious ache in his heart that had summoned tears to his eyes. Reaching out, barely daring to stroke the soft skin of that perfect face, gasping softly as one hand wrapped insistently around his callused finger, pulling it close enough to study intently. So tiny, so trusting. Sleepy blue eyes, so reminiscent of his fathers had held the Jedi Master in utter rapture. Captured his soul, effortlessly.

Obi-Wan had lied to Yoda when he had said he didn't want to be a father. This child had already wrapped himself around his soul, had cleverly wheedled his way into the Jedi Master's heart with a single look. He had been dazzled by the possibilities he had seen in the child's eyes, the future that was to come. What it would be like to watch this tiny, delicate angel grow into a man…Force, but he wanted to be there for that journey.

With a single look, Obi-Wan had been lost.

By the stars, he wanted this child to raise as his own. As a final apology to Anakin. Unable to save the father, he was possessed by a strange, overriding need to protect the son.

He could tell the boy such stories….

No. He had already failed with one beautiful, brilliant boy. Had failed to keep him from his destruction. This child, this Luke Skywalker, had so much of his father in him; Obi-Wan could feel it in every pulse of that tiny heart. The boy was their last hope.

No wonder Yoda wouldn't entrust him into Obi-Wan's care.

Anakin had been called their hope as well.

No, Luke would be raised by his aunt and uncle. He had nothing to offer the boy, after all, no past, no future. Nothing but the broken-down shell of the man he used to be, the faded echo of glory and dreams. He wouldn't sentence the boy to his life, not when there was already such a weight on those tiny shoulders. He was Obi-Wan's last chance at grace, the only conceivable rescue for his damned soul. Even a lifetime of trying to spread peace across the galaxy could not balance out his final sin. Vader was his fault, his undoing, and his curse. Luke was the only one left now, for him as well as the millions of innocent lives being crushed under the thumb of the empire…

And Obi-Wan was terrified of him, fearful as much as he was drawn to this child. Anakin had been his greatest joy, and in the end, his worst failure. Now there was this child, who burned like a pillar of flame in the Force. The boy who carried on Anakin's legacy. He represented the Jedi Master's redemption, or he could turn to be the final condemnation. A light in the darkness, or the final shadow that crushed all illumination.

This boy was pivotal. Obi-Wan wouldn't go near him. He didn't dare.

But this child…. He was sleeping now; eyes shut tightly, fists clenched next to his face. It won a tired smile from the Jedi Master, who pulled the boy closer into his arms, resting his cheek against the boy's forehead. His heart twinged painfully, the farm was coming into view ahead.

The infant's new family was waiting for him to arrive, anxiously perched on a dune above their tiny farm. Obi-Wan told himself that Luke would be happy here, as he surveyed the tiny compound with faint distaste. Of course, if the boy grew up to be anything like Anakin, then there was no chance that he'd be content to stay on Tatooine.

And then he'd visit crazy old Kenobi, the Jedi Master thought with a smile, to hear stories of the brave Jedi Knights who had once ruled the galaxy. He would want to hear about his father….

Obi-Wan clutched the tiny life closer to his chest compulsively, feeling the heartbeat like golden thunder through the Force. No. He wouldn't burden the boy with that. Not until he was much older… not until he was ready to hear it.

Obi-Wan prayed that the boy was never ready. That he lived out his life here in contentment and peace. He would not follow Obi-Wan as his father had… and he would lead a better life because of it.

They took the child from his arms, then, this family who had none of Anakin's spark, none of his passion. The boy shifted angrily as he was handed over, Obi-Wan felt the faint brush of a touch against his mind. A Force-touch, the beginnings of a Master-Padawan bond.

By the stars, Luke…

It broke his heart to shove that fragile tendril aside, to wall off his mind. He wouldn't sully the innocent mind with his corrupting touch. Luke was not his apprentice, was not his Padawan…was not his son.

He told himself that it was the harsh sun that made his eyes water, blinding him with tears as Beru cradled the boy close, speaking in nonsense rhymes to the silent infant. It was the sand that had coated his throat on the trek over here that made him unable to speak, even to say goodbye. It was the shifting sand that made him stumble blindly back up the slope.

Force, did it hurt to turn away. He had abandoned one apprentice on the shores of Mustafar, now he'd leave another boy in the arms of strangers. Helpless, and alone.

Just like him.

Oh, Anakin…you should be here, you should see your boy. You would be so proud of him…as I was of you.

The suns were setting as he rode away, distorting his shadow into something long and menacing, ever lurking by his side, the corporeal image of his twisted heart. The dying red slight slashed across his eyes, making him squint into the distance, eyes tired, spirit fatigued. Rocky formations on the horizon provided some illusion of shelter, some place where he could finally rest.

The cave was dingy, dull, and rough. Ideal for a life of exile on this barren pit. A hermit's hovel, suitable for a fallen Knight. He could no longer claim the title of a Jedi… would no longer bear the name that had been renowned across the Inner and Outer Rims of the galaxy. He had forfeited that right on Mustafar, had fallen so far from grace and the Force, that he was surprised Yoda had suffered him still wearing the brown robe.

He was no longer a Jedi.

Stripped of that, Obi-Wan sank slowly to his knees, closing his eyes against the tears that came as he tilted his face back to the sky. He wasn't anyone, not anymore. His whole life had been defined by the Temple's dictates, by the Jedi Code. By his Master and his Padawan.

He didn't know who he was without them. Force, but he was so alone. The void that had been eating away at him inside since the moment that he had realized Anakin was lost now flooded out of him, forcing him to double over, hands braced against the ground as he sobbed mindlessly.

(ANAKIN!)

There was no answer through their Force-Bond. He had known there wouldn't be. Anakin was no longer alive.

The stars were out now; he could see a patch of sky glimmering with their elusive lights between the crushing pillars of rock that stretched out on all sides of him. There were so many, so many he had seen with Anakin, so many they had never reached. He could assign a mistake he had made to each of those lights; name each star with one of his sins, or give it the hallmark of a disastrous failure that he had instigated.

Geonosis. Jabiim. Qui-Gon Jinn. Master Yoda.

Padmé.

And the worst one, the one that still ate at his heart and spirit, which had driven him into the shadows of this planet to hide from the universe:

Anakin Skywalker.

He had flown with such wonderful freedom to those stars and beyond, with Anakin by his side. The perfect team, the perfect soul mate, borne on the wings of the Force.

Now those wings were broken. There was nothing left to do now but wait for the cycle to be complete.

Somewhere up there, hidden beyond those stars, was his former apprentice. Obi-Wan could still feel his presence, an icy chill that made him shiver even in the crushing heat of Tatooine. All he had to do was wait. Vader would find him soon enough, find him with his crushed spirit and broken wings here, on this planet that they both despised.

He stared at the stars for a long time, lost in distant memories that made a faint smile appear on his sad features. When he closed his eyes to sleep however, he did not dream.

His dream had died long ago.

Anakin.

And what comes next is up to you
I need a miracle to save me from this
And I need the angels to all pray for me
I can't believe you.

Waking Ashland "Hands on Deck"

END!

My first Star Wars one-shot! I hope you liked it, even though there was a sad absense of HOT JEDI SEX... maybe next time...Please of please R&R! The Force will thank you for it, and send you dreams of certain Sexy Jedi!

Xtine the (Jedi) pirate