Attack of the Care Bears

Disclaimer: Fine, fine. I do not own The Lord of the Rings or Care Bears, I do not.The deranged purple cat and the people in many colored raincoats our mine but I give my permition to use them if you ask me. This popped into my head while watching a commercial for those creepy talking care bears. Now, ON WITH THE MADNESS!

It was a bright and murky day in Middle Earth. The orcs were singing, the trolls were dancing and somewhere Sauron was trying to get lucky with a three toed boot juggler, which happened to be the beginning of another but equally disturbing tale. The Fellowship all sat around Rivendell, doing nothing worthy of mention. The royal harlot, err, elven lady Arwen had said that she had a surprise to show them. She had been quite uncharacteristically excited that they all had to see what this thing was just to shut her up.

"I think it's a thong," Pippin piped up while picking at his toes. It is a little known fact that a hobbit's foot is what held their hormone glands so when they played with their feet it meant they were thinking impure thoughts, which is another story.

Legolas looked over at Pippin with a vacant blond expression with a hint of idiotic naivety, "Why would Arwen buy a thong?"

Pippin shook his finger in the elf's face, who flinched away from the smell of feet, "Not for herself, for Strider." He said with a leer at Aragorn.

Aragorn glared, in an oh so sexy way, at the perverted Hobbit, "Very funny Pippin. Don't be surprised if you don't wake up one morning."

"I once saw Saromon hitting on a druid from Camaul, he said that she was a doll, they went to the bush, and he grabbed her toosh, and she hit into the wall." Legolas said proudly since everyone seemed to be more interested in Pippin. An Elf can be very jealous.

Gandalf sat watching the three, while smoking his pipe of who-knows-what, "I just hope that she did not find another insane animal. Remember the last stray."

They all looked over at the deranged purple cat, a ragged creature as thin as a pole with crazy green eyes. Arwen had found the beast in the darkest bowls of Rivendell when she had set off to find a plant to poison Aragorn after he looked at another elf. No one was sure what the cat had been doing but Arwen's attendants never spoke of that night; all that was known was that five elves, three men, two puddings (chocolate in nature) and a leg of lamb had disappeared, never to be seen again. The fellowship turned and watched the cute little beast drag a full-grown orc across the tiles, leaving a trail of blood in its wake. The deranged purple cat stoped and looked at the hobbits with a crazed, hungry look, kind of like a certain fan fiction writer.

"AHH!" Merry yelled when a crazy eyed girl began to gnaw on his leg.

Arwen popped out of nowhere, scaring the guys with her freaky eyebrows and monotone voice, "Hello everyone, I found this adorable little thing in a basket in the woods. Isn't it cute?

The elf pulled open a steel crate and dragged a black care bear from the depths. The toy did not look very cute for it had a mark on its belly that looked oddly like a bloody knife. Evil energy seems to ooze from the small plush toy like stink off of imported cheese from Bree. The fact that it is holding a sign saying 'I will kill all of you in your sleep' did not help any of the fellowship to feel any better.

"It looks like my Uncle Toro, he died in a swamp. Got all fuzzy with moss and sea urchins." Gimli noted.

"I thought that sea urchins lived in salt water." Legolas stated in a moment of clarity.

"They were Reformed Aquadist. Only live in fresh sludge." Gimli stated proudly.

Arwen's face suddenly looked like she was constipated, which it always did when she was thinking of something and we never saw because she never thought in any scenes of the movie, "Oh," you could see the little light-bulb flash dimly over her head, "I have to go meet father. Good-bye."

Arwen walked off, forgetting the toy instantly. The evil plush starred at the nine men, err, hobbits, elf, dwarf, wizard, and men. The plastic eyes burned with mass produced evil equaled only by the Wiggles. The bear's little formless hands twitched, ready to strangle the life out of them with the felt and stuffing. A black brain whirled with diabolical plans within the fluffy skull of the creature.

Pretty good for toy, huh?

The males starred back in defiance and testosterone driven courage. Their pride as men being shone in full glory like only danger can cause . . . this went on until Pippin cracked a second later.

"SOMEONE KILL THAT THING BEFORE IT TAKES OVER THE ROOM!" Pip screamed like the little, large footed girl named Chichi he pretended to be on Saturday nights in Tucson.

Sam, being calmer and smarter then the Took, walked over to the Care Bear without fear, "Maybe it isn't evil. It looks harmless." He walked up to the toy and picked it up. When nothing happened after a few moments Sam smiled, "See, harmless."

Sam put the Care Bear down and walked out of the room without a word, a dramatic wind ruffling his cloak, he had hid a fan behind the door to look cooler. The moment he was gone from sight, the Care Bear turned its fuzzy head to the others and stood. It started to walk toward the fellowship when it tripped over a very large lobster and into a tub of butter. The fellowship took the opportunity to run and ran like a dickens. They all headed for Elrond's counsel room. Elrond looked up, startled from his spot on the floor where he was holding a very large Blue's Clues balloon. After the shock of finding the Elf lord hugging a child's balloon wore off, the gang all of the men started talking like they where on Pixie sticks, hyper gestures and all.

"Elronyouhavetohelpus,it'sgonnakillus!"

"EVIL! IT'S EVIL! IT MUST BE KILLED!"

"It'llcomeformefirst!Everyonekillsmeanditwilltoo!"

"HELP US!"

"THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!"

"I'M SCARED!"

"MY CABBAGES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!"

"That thing is to evil to on exist!"

"It's after my Lucky Charms!" They all calm down enough to give Gimli odd looks then they go back to pleading.

Elrond scratched his head, "Um, what are you talking about?"

Gandalf began to tell an extravagant and long winded tale of what happened and then they take Elrond to the vile plush toy.

Elrond looks around, checking in the corners and even under the chairs and in books, "There's nothing here. Gandalf I think you all need to lay off of your pipe."

The fellowship looked around the room but they could not find the evil CB. They went to Frodo when he called to them. He had found a now open window. It was somewhere in Rivendell, planning their demises.

MAHA! Praise me for the return of AotCB in a legal format that cannot be taken off because I am not in it and it is in story format. HAHAHA! (is hit by a random migrating African Swallow) Please review. You know you want to.