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Chapter 3: Something Lost

I was in total shock, I was in tears, but most of all, I was dead. My heart turned into a lump of… nothing. I just hung there, in the air, hanging there like… nothing. I can't understand, I really can't understand. Wasn't she a good mother? Wasn't she beautiful? Didn't she go to church and play the organ? Wasn't I a good child? Wasn't my dad a good husband? How did we deserve this? How? Why did we deserve this? Why did God swoop down and steal her away? Why would he do it? But most of all, what would I do? How could I live? Hovering in outer space would do me no good. So now what?

"I want to see her."

My dad glanced over to Touya. Touya glanced at me.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded, a lump in my throat.

Touya looked over at my dad. My dad was staring at me now. His eyes were so deep in sleep; it looked like he was looking through me, looking at something else, into a new dimension. My dad nodded.

"Let her see." My dad turned around and walked away.

Touya pointed up the stairs, "It would be better for you to go alone."

I stepped up on the stair. I continued to look ahead. But still I hesitated with each step. It took me an hour to get up there. I turned the knob slower. I was trembling with each movement. Each second, each minute, I finally got in.

When I first saw her, I felt my blood and heart stop, some sort of pressure just blew right past me like a large breeze in the autumn. I touched her white hand. It felt like ice. Her hair was sprawled everywhere. It covered up her face. I carefully brushed the hair away. I flinched. This, this is my mother? Her face, white like the plastered walls and like the pure white winter land in December, bony as well and her eyes were closed shut. And I knew they were to be, forever. How horrible, terrible my mother looked! I touched her again. She was so cold, even colder than trying to suck a whole Popsicle in your mouth. I felt like crying, but I couldn't. There was one puzzling thing on her face that I couldn't quite understand. She was smiling. Why? Wasn't she dead? Wasn't she miserable? If she could see her ugly state right now, wouldn't she frown? No… I shouldn't say ugly, she's still beautiful… very beautiful… but she can never be the same beautiful again. I saw a tear on her face. It wasn't hers, it was mine. I wiped it away and receded out the door. I wanted to see my mother get up from the bed, up from her death and stand up and look at me, I wanted to reach out and hug her, but I would never be able to do hug her again. Never. I ran out the door and ran down the stairs. I was angry. Brimmed up to the top my fury was, I was ready to explode.

Dad saw me come down. He smiled. I wanted to wipe that smile off his face. How could he smile too? Mom was dead. She was dead. How could he not be sad? How could he not cry? I wanted to scream. I stifled back anger and tears. But at dinner, I lost it. I flipped.

Our chopsticks clanked on the porcelain plates, other than that there was no sound. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand it. Touya was acting cool and calm and my dad was always smiling. Not a single tear, not a single word. Like mom had never even existed! Didn't they realize that something was missing? The person who made us laugh? The person who loved us? Didn't they feel anything… sad? Mad? Anything? My hand went down, my chopsticks nearly broke. Everyone was looking up at me now.

"Why aren't you sad? Mom died and she can't come back. She's gone. Why aren't you unhappy? Why are you pretending like she never existed? Why don't you feel sad?" My voice thundered.

Touya and dad avoided my death glaring eyes, continuing to eat like I hadn't said anything.

"Don't you understand? She's not on vacation, she's not sleeping, she's gone! And she won't be coming back! Why are you acting like this? Why? Mom's gone forever! She was the one who made us laugh and be happy! Is this how you repay her? Well I'm not going to act like that. No! I miss her because I love her. Don't you love her?" I felt shaky all over, Touya and dad looked over me.

Dad cleared his throat and said calmly, "Sakura, Na-"

"No! Stop it!" I cried, screaming louder than ever, "Mom's dead! Why can't you guys care?"

I put my hands on my ears and shook my head, "Don't talk to me ever! I hate you all!"

My body quaked and tears were streaming down my face. Everything was blurred, I felt dizzy, but I didn't care. I wanted to get away, away from these people who don't care about mom. I ran up the stairs and slammed my door. I flopped onto my bed and cried. There was only one thing on my mind. I was so stupid.

-

It was hard for me. It was all gone. All the money, all the clothes, all the videos, and how could I survive? My heart ached. Not because of all these were missing, because I had found out that I was self-centered and desirous. Fat with greed and wants. How was I to cut all this fat out? How was I going to get rid of my selfishness? I had already started my diet, but I had not decided it, fate had.

I caressed the porcelain plate carefully. How detailed the roses were, how elegant were those curves. How I wish that I could own it again.

"Tomoyo…"

I glanced up.

"Mother… I was…"
Mother sighed and kneeled down beside me. She took the plate carefully from my hands and fingered the wonderful designs.

"This was a plate a good friend of mine bought in Germany." Her eyes glued onto the plate.

I stared at the plate, studying it, "It's beautiful."
Her voice seemed weak, "Yes…"

She put the plate back on the table, "But now it will have a new owner."

I kept my eyes on it. I grasped for it but held myself back. It was no longer ours; it would be somebody else's by the end of the day.

"Come, Tomoyo, we have customers." Mother guided me to the counter.

"Here, just count the money and make sure they give the right amount." Mother placed her hands on my shoulders.

I sat down and filed through the table. Soon, customers were lined up in front of me as I quickly jot down the price and took money and gave back money. Everything went so quick, that hours passed like the wind. Soon, everything was gone. The room was empty. Tables were set away, items that had not been sold were kept, and then it was only mother, me, and a goose lamp. It was dark. The sky was slowly painted black and resplendent stars twinkled. The florescent moon stepped out of the dark and reflected on my hair. My mother gave a meek smile, a tear forming in her eye. It fell. I watched as it splattered to the ground. I felt my own tear fall. I gripped the neck of the goose lamp and took a step toward my mother. My hair shimmered with each step.

"Tomoyo…" My mother's eyes were flooding with tears now.

I looked up at my mother. Was she crying because of her plate? Or because we were broke? For me? Why?

"Tomoyo…" My mother was now crying out loud, "Nadeshko died…"

There were loud whimpers. I hugged my mother as she put her head on my shoulder. I cried too. Poor Sakura… poor me… but who was sadder now? Her or me? I didn't know what do to anymore. I was confused. I was lost.