I think this one is a very boring chapter... why don't you just skip to the next chapter? I need to delete this one soon... why did I ever make this story in the first place? Well... I guess I wasn't thinking.

Chapter 4: Adjusted

Usually I'm not a flipper, I don't scream and slam my door, I don't thump up the stairs like crazy and yell stupid things at my dad. But it was hard not to, especially if they seemed like they didn't care about the one you love, and the one they loved too. It was hard to let go of her, it was hard to let her leave and meet God. So I went to go talk to God. I went to church.

A sweet and cool breeze swiftly entered my room. I felt it surrounding me, but when I lifted my eyes, I couldn't feel it anymore. Sitting up, I saw my window was wide-open, moonlight pouring in. The beams of light colored my hands as I lifted them up and inspected the miraculous wonder. The sight made me think of angels, and that day I went to church, a day ago.

I don't remember why I left the house secretly, tiptoeing out the door and glancing this way and that, making sure big brother didn't see me. I managed to pass through without being caught, so I walked leisurely down the sidewalk, my feet wandering away. My mind was crowded with thoughts, mostly about mother. About why she left, and how soon she had too. Sadness and despondency filled my heart, making me sag and wilt like an unwatered rose. There are so many things she hadn't seen, so many things she hadn't seen me accomplish yet. My marriage, my graduation, my first year of middle school, my first kid, she hadn't been able to even become a grandmother! And, furthermore, there were so many things I would miss out. No more stories, no more family laughs, no more… no more…

I found myself crying those thoughts away. And when I looked up, I realized my wandering feet and brought me to church.

There was no one around; I was all alone on the silent sidewalk. And the church, the door was slightly opened. I wondered if someone had forgotten to lock it. It was just a coincidence that I could open it and step in, and there still was no one. But a flicker of light caught my eye, and I saw there was a lit candle.

"Hello?" I called softly.

The wax hadn't been used up yet, it was as if someone had prepared this… and someone was still in here.

"Hello?" I called out again, still unsure.

No one answered but my own echo.

I glanced around, shivering and scared to my wits. It was still empty. Empty benches, empty chairs, empty hallways, and only a red curtain running up the front where the pastor would stand and preach. Then there was an organ.

I made my way to the musical box. I was drawn to it. My heart thumped so hard, I could feel it in my throat.

Thump. Thump. Step. Step.

Each step I took I felt more scared, but I kept going, there was no stopping me, I couldn't stop me.

I sat down on the oak bench. I put a hand on a key but I didn't press down.
The music… this music… I know that song. It was a song… from so long ago… it seemed like so at least.

And then… I was sure I heard someone singing this song. And playing it on the organ.
I didn't shiver, I didn't get scared, because the song was so beautiful, so familiar, and so…

And then I remembered.

My mother.

It was my mother.
I could hear her gentle, beautiful voice. Chiming the perfect tunes, and striking softly on the keys, that even the deaf could hear the wonderful song.

I closed my eyes, the sound grew louder and louder until I was sure that she was right next to me, playing the organ and singing, smiling at me.

And when I opened my eyes, I was sure that I saw her for a second. Her long, flowing hair, her graceful fingers flying over the keys, her soft, gentle eyes watching me, and wings… long and white. I could almost touch it, like it was really tangible, and clutch her hair to make sure she really was there. The music stopped, she stroked my hair. I closed my eyes; I could almost feel her warm embrace.

Then she was gone. Her touch, her song, she was gone. And so I left. With something in my heart I couldn't drop.

It was ten o' clock. I slipped under the covers and imagined my mother sitting beside me, singing the song again. The sweet, redolent smell of her clothes and the warm touch of her hand, but these things could never happen in real life anymore. No matter how sure I am, no matter how much I wish, no matter how much I imagine, but in my heart, I felt like it was possible. And maybe it is. Maybe it is.

I closed the window and crept back in my bed. I was glad I had my big brother around, and for once, I was really glad that at least he and my dad were still alive and there to protect me, and maybe Nadeshko is happy above.

-

Some times, I think I would be better off living in a huge palace and or a mansion still, not in this shabby apartment. At first, I would moan to myself, and plug my nose as we got out of the apartment. It wasn't that bad, but for a young lady who lived with a queen, maybe. I don't know, I don't know. I want to be an altruistic, kind and mannered woman who isn't pomp with greasy greed. Not eating fat burgers and fries of wealth and money, but free and bountiful. Yet, I'm not all that wonderful, yet I'm not so caring and free. And yet, I wish I were but I don't try. And now I'm shivering with those thoughts, that haunt me through my night, scare me with their prickling words. Tomoyo, Tomoyo! So greedy and selfish! So uncaring and wonderful like you wish you were… but yet you don't even try to be so magnificently giving. You ravenous kid, you fat gluttony wonder! Wake up! You think you're all that. Beautiful and nice, smart and creative, although you aren't! And then I scream. I wish summer would end, I wish my life would end, I want school to start so mom can start reliving her successful life like before. We can be rich and prosperous, full of college money and dress outfits. How marvelous; summer is just starting.

How can something happen so sudden? How can it be possible? And how can it have a large affect on the person like they are about to die now or something? Is this what life is like? Is this what life wants? Suffering? Madness? I must say, I'm nuts right now. All I can do and stink in the bathroom and cry. Even my mother can hear me now. And what can I say? She's just as nuts and tragic like me. Nothing is going right.

"Tomoyo?"

I looked up from my hands.

"Tomoyo?" The door banged again.

"Yeah?" I wiped my tears and kept my voice from shaking.

She stopped banging and sighed. She sighed so loud it was more like a heavy breath from running.

"I'm leaving…"

"WHAT!" I opened the door.

My mother laughed and hugged me, she kept her hands tightly strung around me and whispered into my ear.

"Silly, I'm only leaving to buy groceries." She let go and gave me a peck on the check.

I forced a smile on my face. I was obliged to go. But at least now I had a reason to leave this apartment.

My mother kept hold of my hand the whole time, even while she was driving, like I was going to run away. She gripped it tight so I gripped back. I can feel no rush there. I could feel silence between us like all the other days when we're not having mother-daughter-bond-talks. Sometimes I can feel her thoughts, but I'm not too sure. I make them up as I go. Like she's thinking, "Oh, this house stinks." Or "I wish we could live in a big house again." No, maybe those are my thoughts, maybe its just me… maybe I'm the only one who thinks of these things. I have millions of ways I could complain to my mother. But I've never complained to anybody in my life. Because everything went smooth, smooth like butter, smooth like silk, and now, it's like the bumpiest road I've ever taken.

"Tomoyo… what do you want to buy?"

I had never gone shopping, only last week and we bought milk and bread. That's it. This week we made a profit of ten dollars; I babysat to get that money, ten dollars changing a baby's diaper. I believe I should have gotten more.

She waved her money and laughed, "I even threw in ten more dollars from my part time job I got."

She told me that since there was no school going on, she was going to be part time working as a waitress. I nearly fainted when she first told me. But I kept a straight face and poured cold water down my shirt to keep me awake. It was a most utterly appalling experience. I hope I will never have to do that again.

"Tomoyo?" She pushed me a little bit.

"Ok. How about shampoo."

She nodded her head, "Ok, and food?"

I had never been concerned with what I would eat in my life. There was always something. Just snap my fingers and ask a maid to bring me a slice of raspberry, cream cheesecake.

"Cheesecake…" The words sprang out of my mouth.

"What?" My mother swerved a bit to the right, sliding her other hand onto the wheel.

"Um… bananas and apples." I jerked to the right.

"Fruit… what about vegetables?" She jolted to the left.

"Caa-bbaage…" I moaned as we continued to jerk and jolt.

"Sorry honey… I'm getting adjusted."

Yes, she was. As I said, I was on a bumpy road… or maybe just in a car with a bumpy driver. My mom always had her limousine. Common sense. She wouldn't need to drive. So, twelve years without driving. Like twelve years without biking. You would have to start all over, right?

"Mom… do you think I'm… selfish?" I bit my lip and slid my fingers in together.

My mom glanced over at me and stroked her fingers in my hair, "Oh, honey. Of course you're not."

"But I feel like I've lost something great! Like I've lost my life!" I cried out loud. I was glad I still had my mom.

"You just need to learn how to adjust. It will take a while." She smiled.

I nodded, keeping my head bent.

Mom parked abruptly and opened the door, "Well, we're here."