Chapter 7: The Perfect Picture
I never believed that father could love anyone else but mother. I never thought he would choose another woman. And even if he did, I never thought he would do it so quick. Why did he do it? Why? For years, we were all so happy. We had a family. We were a family. We had a father, a mother, a boy, a girl… we had it all. We were a great, loving, perfect family. And now… now we're dispersed, scattered, somewhere but nowhere. Family, but not family. We're not a family. We're a broken up family. Mother is lost. We need her. She made us laugh. She was our glue. And with her gone, with her dead, we've cracked. Father has found another woman. Touya is so ignorant. I never see him smile or laugh anymore. And me? I see the ugly side of myself. I see my evil side. Where I pout, I shout, I scream, I hate people. It's just not family. We're just not family. It made realize, how much we needed each other, how much we need a family. Because, that's what life is. Family.
"Big brother… me… mother… father…" My finger traces the picture.
Touya hovers above me. He sees the picture too.
"Big brother… me… father…" My voice begins to falter as I whisper, "mother…."
Touya puts his hand on the picture. He slides it out of my hands.
I shout, "No! It's mine! It's my family! You can't take it away from me!" I have tears as I grab the picture.
"I have a family! I do! And you can't take it away from me! You can't!"
I don't why I'm screaming. He didn't do anything. He just wanted to… he was taking it… he… he… wanted to see it. That's it. He just wanted to see it. So why am I yelling at my own big brother? Why did I react so oddly? What has happened to me? What has happened to us? Father? Mother? Big brother? Me? What is happening to us?
I run up the stairs, I slam my door shut and lock it, I sit down, and I look down at the picture again. My eyes are wet and my hands tremble.
The picture was from Kindergarten. I drew it. It has four circles. Big brother. Me. Father. And mother. It has my family. I loved it. I loved my family. We were the perfect picture, the perfect family. We fixed a puzzle to make it perfect. And now what? The pieces are jumbled. And we have a jumbled puzzle.
There is so much to family that I've never seen before. There's love. There's encouragement. There's protection. There's hope. There's laughter. There are fights. There's togetherness. There's so much to family. And we had it all.
But not anymore.
We don't have love anymore. There's no more encouragement. There's no protection, no hope, no more laughter. There's too many fights, and there are missing pieces. We're not together anymore! There's no family breakfast! No jokes! No stories! No more… no more love! No more! There's nothing! And we have nothing! There's just ash, missing pieces, dust, moth bitten stuff, rotten and molded, everything is rusty and there's no way to polish it. Not anymore.
And how much I realize I need it. How much I want it again. I want my family. I want my love. I want my mother! I want… I want a family again! I want it… I just want…
No.
I don't just want it. I need it. I need family. Isn't that the reason God made family! Isn't that why God made us? To have a family? To be together? Forever? To love each other. To help each other. To stay together. To be together. And to have each other whenever we need each other?
I'm sobbing loudly, my cries are so loud, my tears are so gigantic I could fill the room. I'm crying out to God. I'm asking him. Why? Why? WHY? Where's my family? Where is it? What have you done to it? And… and… and… there's no more to ask. No more to say. But yes. There is! I could ask him millions of questions. But they would all begin with why. With what. With where.
And then I hear a rustle at my door. I'm suddenly quiet. Someone had been listening to me. Someone had been there the whole time. My heart beats quick. My tears stop. I still tremble. I stay quiet. I listen. And I think whoever is at my door is listening too. Is trembling too. Is trying to stay quiet too.
And then… I realize too. I'm not alone. I'm not the only one with so much pain, with so many trials that I don't know what to do. And… I feel better. Because I know I'll never be alone. And I know that… mother has never left my side. She is still here. She always has… she always will…
"Come in." I call.
"Come in."
The door opens.
I'm smiling. I'm smiling. My smile… it's a true smile. A smile I haven't used for such a long time. And I like it.
-
Life is like swings. They can go high, up into the glorious sky. Or they can descend, deeper, down, into the horrible unknown. And they can stay flat, still, with no children laughing and swinging on them. They can be up, down, or still. Like how life can be happy, sad, or just… nothing's going either way. And the way you see life is in the 'eye of the beholder'. It depends on what you believe. I believed it was a horrible life then, a horrible, down life. Not only because we had lost our mansion, but because I had found the true me. The ugly, cruel, selfish me.
I want to ask someone. Someone I know I can trust, someone I know will tell me the truth. I want to ask that person to tell me. Am I ugly? Am I cruel? Am I selfish? Am I greedy? I want to ask the person I dearly love. I want to ask. I want to call that person. I want to hear her voice once again. I want to talk to her. Spill my thoughts. Spill my feelings. Oh, to hear her voice again. To hear Sakura's voice again.
My hand twitches… my fingers open up and curl tight, I can almost feel it slipping it between my hands.
My eyes are glued to it. I cannot turn away. I can almost feel it pressing against my ear.
There is nothing stopping me, I am all alone in this small room. It's just me, silence, and the phone.
I stand not far away, but for each step I take, it becomes farther away.
I stop myself. But that makes me more eager.
I want to call Sakura. I want to ask her for advice, I need her smile, I need her to make me feel better, I want to tell her everything. How I feel, what has been happening, and everything. I want to spill my secrets, my emotions, tell her everything. Everything. Those things I cannot even tell my mother. So how can I tell them to my best friend? And how can I be sure that she herself has so many problems? And what if we begin to argue? About who has more sadness, more problems, more… more… more… Will it break our friendship? Will I lose my best friend as well?
I can't. I can't lose Sakura. She may be the only thing left, the only thing left that I love. What about my mother? They both are the only things left. I can't lose either of them. But what if the time comes for me to decide? Who will I choose?
And… and I can't call Sakura. Not even the slightest chance.
I shake my head. That's right. I can't. I won't.
And I say it out loud to confirm it.
"I can't and I won't. I won't give her more to worry about. She has already lost her mother. I won't tell her. I won't tell her a thing."
I won't tell her about me not being able to go back to the same school. I won't tell her that we have moved. I won't tell her that we're broke. I won't tell her that my mom will become a librarian. I won't tell her that we live in a shabby apartment instead of a glamorous mansion. I won't tell her anything. I won't.
But a thought creeps into my mind.
Then… I won't tell her anything… but… is it wrong to know just call her? To pretend everything is fine? Like everything is perfectly smooth again, to just say hi, to justask how she's doing… to just… to just… just call her. Yes. Just call her. Won't that be fine? And, I won't tell her a thing. Just call her. Yes. It'll be fine… I think.
I'm right in front of the phone.
I lift my hand tremulously.
Thoughts race through my mind. There's so many thoughts. Some tell me to not do it, and some tell me to do it. I don't know… should I?
But then, it's too late. My hand is holding it now. The long, slender phone.
I press the buttons.
No!
A part of me screams.
Don't! What will you say? You can't! You know you can't! Hang up! Drop it! Drop the phone! Don't do it! No!
But then, the other part is taunting me.
Yes! Do it. It won't hurt, just call her, tell her you're fine. Tell her everything is a-ok. Just do it. There's nothing there to stop you.
And slowly, the first part is dying. It's fading away no matter how hard it is screaming for me to stop. Because I'm pressing the phone to my ear, I've pressed the last number, and I hear the phone ringing inside the phone. I hear it ringing inside my head. I hear the other part telling me its too late anyways.
And then… the ringing stops. Someone has stooped down to pick it up.
There's a voice, "Hello?"
It's Sakura's voice.
as the usual... slow... horrible... and certainly a stupid story. It's not getting any sadder! Where am I taking this story too? I've just got to stop making them smile... I need them to CRY CRY CRY!
Aw... Cherry-SweetHeart is such a sweet and nice cherry with a big heart... this story is all dedicated to my one and only reviewer!