Begun: 4.30P; 04.07.01

Finished: 6.17P; 04.07.01

"Bleeding Heart"

When Takeru was a little boy he always felt small and insignificant; Yamato always overshadowed him, and even when his parents got divorced he never took the spotlight. His parents barely noticed him, unless he came crying with a bruised knee, or a bleeding lip. Then they would help him, but still he felt that if they had just been there in the first place he wouldn't have gotten hurt. If they had only prevented the mishaps they wouldn't have had to comfort him, wipe away his tears, and tend to his injuries.

Somehow Takeru knew that his mother couldn't have prevented this, even if she had always been there for him. She couldn't fix these accidents like she could the bruised knee or bleeding lip; his bruised hope and bleeding heart were untouchable.

And Takeru had never felt as outshined as he did in that moment; he felt small, weak, and extremely vulnerable, like anything he said or did now could hurt him. And he felt like Yamato had outdone him yet again, and he had gotten the only thing Takeru had ever really wanted in life: Hikari's love.

It wasn't fair, it really wasn't. He had never asked for much in his life; sure, there were the little things when he was only a tiny child, like the toys and candy bars that he would occasionally beg for at supermarkets and department stores. But really, in the whole scheme of things, that wasn't much. Besides, hadn't Yamato always gotten what he asked for, compared to his little brother, who seldom got anything of importance?

When he was little, Takeru had wanted toys and candy; Yamato had gotten that. When he got older, Takeru wanted to be the golden child; yet Yamato, with his singing ability and gift for playing the guitar, had been the child to shine. And now, when he was sixteen, Takeru had wanted more than anything for Hikari, his best friend, to love him; but Yamato had something he didn't, or just had a knack for getting anything he wanted, because he was with Hikari, and Takeru was left out.

Maybe it wasn't a good kind of being with Hikari – after all, she was pregnant at sixteen with his baby, and it was sure to be rough for both her and Yamato from then on – but still…

It was unduly iniquitous.

That moment, Takeru was jolted from his thoughts of what was unfair in life and what wasn't; "Takeru," Hikari spoke. "Gomen… sumimasen."

For the first time, Takeru noticed that he had tears in his eyes; they clouded his vision, and Hikari's image was no more than the brown of her hair and eyes, the blue of her nightgown, and the soft, fair peach of her skin blended together, like a horrible watercolor where the paint ran together. Running his hand across his eyes cleared it some, but nothing was completely stopping the crystal orbs from running down his cheeks and dripping on the bedspread. He was relieved to see that she, too, was sobbing, her face blotchy, and her voice catching in her throat.

"Hikari…" He didn't know what to say. Usually he could tell her anything was going to be all right… Yet he couldn't do so now. To tell her everything was all right would be telling her a lie, and he had sworn to himself that he would never, ever lie to his best friend, at all costs.

Nothing would ever be all right again, he decided. Everything would be different, and, to him, this kind of different was bad. He was sure she thought of it has a bad kind of different too, and when Yamato found out he would be none too pleased. Takeru was sure this was disastrous to everyone… Nothing would ever be the same again.

"Takeru, please just say something. Please?" She squeezed his hand, and he realized that he was still holding hers. Why was he still holding her hand? Just being near her was so painful… And holding her hand was killing him. Dropping it, he shook his head.

"I- I can't. There's n-nothing t-to say." Slowly, gently, he got up from her bed, voice wavering as the tears continued to run down his cheeks like two miniature waterfalls.

"Don't be like that, Takeru. Please, just say something…"

He just started shaking his head again, as he made his way to the door. He wasn't trying to look at her face; instead, his blue eyes were fixated on her stomach. It seemed the same as ever, like nothing was going to change it. But soon her stomach would shape, and change, as would both their lives.

Slowly turning the knob of the door, he happened to catch a glimpse of the look in her brown eyes. They weren't exactly warm, but seemed velvety soft, and consoling. They did lack her usual 'sparkle' but he decided that it wasn't totally her fault; the stress of the baby and telling everyone about it must have stolen the twinkle, or driven it away. Her eyes locked onto his for a moment, seemingly begging him to say something, anything at all, but he averted his by bowing his head.

Stepping out the door silently, with not another word, he was gone. He had meant to say something about how hurt he was, and how much this was killing him inside, but the tears got stuck in his throat. The harder he tried to force them out, the more he cried, and he couldn't stand it. Letting himself out the apartment door he could hear Hikari's sobs of "Please Takeru, understand," but he didn't turn around and go back, and she didn't follow him.

Takeru's sneakers pounded on the asphalt as he ran home in the twilight, the streets bathed in light only by the occasional pools or orange glow from the dim streetlights. Panting from having run across town in under twenty minutes, he dashed fast as he possibly could up the stairs to his apartment. His cries diminished gradually as he pulled his house key from his pocket and jammed it in the lock, twisting it to the right. The door swung open and he made his way carefully inside, keeping watch for his mother. He didn't want her to see him crying and carrying on this way.

But to his relief, he found a note in her familiar script saying she was at a dinner meeting and wouldn't be home until at least nine o'clock. By this time his eyes were, for the most part, dry, and, unwilling to shed more tears, he sunk into an armchair in front of the television.

Seizing the remote, he flicked channels. Only he couldn't find anything on; the slightest thing reminded him of Hikari-chan; soap operas were his life, war documentaries were a description of his battle, and comedies were a reminder of the good times with Hikari that were no more. Before he could begin to cry again he noiselessly clicked the power button on the remote, turning off the TV, complete darkness now washing over the partially lit living room. There he sat for several moments, not thinking, not doing anything but sitting.

The fake tranquility was interrupted not a minute later by the ringing of the phone; being the only one home, Takeru would have to answer it. He didn't want to talk to anyone the way he was feeling, and pleaded with the phone to stop the incessant sound, but it kept going, completely ignoring what he wanted. It was as if life was pushing against him in his sullen state. Reaching out with a sigh, Takeru picked up the receiver, and, cradling it between his ear and shoulder, spoke with the politeness and formality that he could muster, though he wasn't feeling polite or formal, "Konban wa, Takaishi residence."

"Ossu!" came the common voice on the other end. "Otooto-chan, why so glum?"

Takeru recognized the unusually cheerful voice as his brother's, and his heart hardened. How dare Yamato speak to him that civilly and happily, when he had made his brother's life miserable, a living hell? It seemed sardonic in a way; was he just doing this to mock him? Surely Hikari had told him about the baby; she would tell the father before she told the uncle, right?

"How dare you?" he hissed, his voice dripping acid. "How dare you talk to me like that? You- you… How can you live with yourself?"

"What are you talking about?" Takeru heard the confusion and bewilderment in his brother's voice, and could almost picture the look on his face. His eyes would be unreadable, as they always were. His brow would be furrowed; his eyebrows meeting in the middle, pushed together by the faint frown creasing his forehead, yet not showing on his lips. Instead, his lips would be curled in a rare half-smile, between amusement at his brother's sudden anger and perplexity at what he was accusing him of.

Then it dawned to him; Yamato was on tour in Europe, and Hikari didn't know the places he was stopping at. How could she have told him about the baby?

She had probably found out where he was touring. It wasn't that hard actually… All she had to do was ask his parents, or look on the Internet. Yes, he decided, that was what she did. She had found out and told Yamato, and now he was playing dumb so he wouldn't get in trouble with his brother.

"You know what I'm talking about!" There was silence on the other end of the line, as if Yamato was still puzzled. "You hurt 'Kari, dammit!" He didn't think Hikari was all to innocent either, but it was a lot easier defending her than his brother… After all, he was angrier with Yamato than Hikari. She hadn't stolen away the affections of the only person he had ever wanted love from, even if she hadn't granted him them.

"Takeru! Calm down… How did I hurt Hikari, when I'm not even home?" Yamato still sounded calm and level, which Takeru couldn't stand.

And suddenly, the conversation, which Takeru provoked, seemed to be going nowhere. Takeru couldn't tell Yamato about the baby – tactfully, that is – and Yamato still had no clue what he was talking about and accusing him of.

"Look, Yamato, gomen… I didn't mean to be like that. But you…" Takeru's eyes started to water once again, thinking about his best friend. "And Hikari, she…" The tears started to fall now. "And you both…" Takeru sobbed into the phone again, his anger fading as quickly as it came. "Gomen nasai…"

"Oh Takeru…" It was as if there were a rift in time, and Takeru was back to being the small eight-year-old he once was, and Yamato was the eleven-year-old trying to calm the bawling child. Takeru had been wrong before; there was one person who could heal the bleeding heart; it was his brother, his niisan, but now he couldn't help him… He was miles away, he was part of the problem, and he couldn't hug him and make it all better like he used to do when they were little. Takeru was on his own now, no matter how much he wanted to believe his brother was his ally; they were on opposite sides of the playing field, and Takeru got the impression that he was losing horribly.

"Just please tell me what's wrong… I want to help my baby brother. I love you." Flashbacks of himself and Hikari flooded Takeru's mind, but he pushed them aside.

"And I love Hikari Yamato! You know that! And still you… You betrayed me!"

"Whoa Takeru… Please calm down. I didn't know you loved Hikari."

Takeru was sure this was a lie. How could he not know, when he was his brother? They shared everything…and even if they didn't share it, it was like they did. It was just that way between the two brothers – they always knew what the other was thinking, and how the other felt. And it was an unwritten, unspoken law that one would never, ever betray the other. At least that was what Takeru thought… But obviously that wasn't true, because he couldn't see how Yamato felt about Hikari, until just that night, and Yamato couldn't see how Takeru felt.

"I did love her… I do! We're best friends Yamato! How could I not love her?" There was that silence again. Takeru wanted desperately to fill it; it was so uneasy and tedious. But he didn't know what to say.

Luckily, Yamato spoke. "Takeru, I'm- sorry, but what does this have to do with me? I mean, this whole thing with you being mad at me, it can't be just because I don't know you inside and out, can it?" Takeru could almost hear his brother smiling.

In a way Yamato was right; he wasn't supposed to know his brother inside and out – Takeru didn't know his brother that way – and anyway, that's what soul mates were for. But it did have something to do with Yamato anyway – a big something.

"You took Hikari from me!" Again, he could almost hear the puzzled pause – and then, in the next instant, everything must have made sense to him, because Takeru heard him gasp. "So you do know what you did!"

"Of course I know… But how did you find out?"

"Hikari told me," Takeru said matter-of-factly.

"Oh T'K, I'm so, so sorry… It was only a one-time thing… And Hikari said she was going to keep it a secret… You weren't supposed to find out…" Now Takeru was stunned. How did they suppose they were going to keep a baby a secret?

He asked him this much. "And how exactly were you supposed to keep a baby a secret!" he practically shrieked. Pounding from the apartment above told him he'd better keep his voice quieter. "It's not easy to hide a baby and keep it a secret."

"What?" Yamato lowered his voice to a whisper. "What do you mean, keep a baby a secret? What baby?"

"She didn't tell you?" There was silence on the other end of the phone, and Takeru gulped. He was in big trouble now. He couldn't continue with this… He had let down Hikari, and the only way to get out of this conversation was to lie to Yamato… Which he couldn't do.

"No…" Yamato replied calmly, yet his voice was cold. "She hasn't told me about the baby…"

"Well…"

"Listen, I think I know what went on. It's all silly – I got Hikari pregnant! And you're mad at me," his voice was sarcastic now, "because I unintentionally 'hurt' your best friend…"

Takeru answered cautiously. "Right…"

"Well listen to me. It was as much her fault as mine. I don't know the details, and I don't want to know. She's on her own! It wasn't my fault!" Takeru was ready to disagree, but Yamato continued on quickly. "And you're supposed to be my brother! You're supposed to be loyal to me… Whatever happened to that?"

This was too much for Takeru. Here his brother was, betraying two friends with one stone, and he was trying to turn the tables and make Takeru look like the bad guy. Well it wasn't going to work!

"They got hurt by the brother they were supposed to be loyal to, that's what! Don't you see; you're the one at fault here, not me!" More pounding from the apartment told him to lower his voice once again.

"Look Takeru," his brother practically hissed, "you don't know what happened. It's not all me; it's mostly her. Ask her if you want to know what really happened, because I'm not going to tell you! We were in the wrong places at the wrong time, as far as I'm concerned. As for the baby, I don't care what she does with it, but I'm not going to help her!"

"But Yamato, she needs the help-" He didn't get the chance to finish.

"There you go again! It's all for Hikari, isn't it? Some brother you turned out to be… You don't even try to see my side of the story! Look, as far as I'm concerned, I don't have a girlfriend, or a kid, and I don't have a brother!" Takeru gasped. "I've always tried to do what's best for you, and what thanks do I get in return? You take her side! If you were really my brother, you'd at least try to understand. Until you do, don't call me. I won't call you, and I won't call Hikari either. I'm out of the picture; maybe if you love Hikari so much you can help her, but I'm alone."

With that final word he hung up, probably too angry to go on. Takeru sat, speechless, in his chair in the dark, just staring at the phone he held. Slowly, delicately, he replaced the receiver and pulled his knees up to his chest, his brother's words replaying over and over in his head.

"I'm out of the picture; maybe if you love Hikari so much you can help her, but I'm alone."

Tears filled his eyes, and then fell in salty tracks down his cheeks, soaking the sleeve of his shirt. It finally sunk in; his brother had been his best friend for all these years, and with one mistake he and Takeru were broken up. Takeru choose to side with the defenseless, rather than the correct. And at the same time, he turned on not only his brother, but Hikari too, when he ran away from her.

And he knew now – there was no more sensitive Yamato to hug him and tell him it was all right, there was no niisan to bandage his knee, or take care of him. "…And I don't have a brother!" Yamato had said it himself. He didn't have a brother anymore. There was no one to help ease his pain, and stop his heart from bleeding so. There was no 'Matt-chan.

And he was already lost.

"I can't help Hikari, can't you see, Yamato?" he whispered. "I can't love her… because I can't even love my brother. He disappeared," he continued, speaking into the air, staring straight ahead. "And he's never coming back, never.

"I'm alone too, 'Matt."

-

Takeru awoke with a jolt, and a stab of pain in his neck from having slept with his head cradled uncomfortably on his knees. He stared at his watch for a minute, watching the second hand sweep around in a circle, until it finally registered the time in his brain. It was as if his brain were working in slow motion.

6:17, it read. Only about an hour, maybe an hour and a half at the most since he had fallen asleep after his 'talk' with Yamato. A stabbing pain came to his chest as he recalled what Yamato had said, "And I don't have a brother!" Takeru had done it this time; he had lost his brother, and one of his best friends. Well, he wasn't going to make the same mistake again. Even though she was at fault, Takeru didn't want to lose Hikari as well.

He picked up the telephone and put it to his ear, dialing a familiar number. One, two, three rings… It didn't seem as if anyone was going to answer. Right before he was going to put the receiver in the cradle and hang his head in defeat there was a click on the other end, and a girl's voice spoke softly.

"Yagami Hikari speaking."

"Hikari?" His voice caught in his throat, but he swallowed and continued. "It's Takeru."

"Oh…." She trailed off, not saying anything else.

"Look," he continued, "I'm very sorry… It was all my fault…"

"No…"

"Yes, it was. Um…" he knew what he wanted to say, but it was hard to say over the phone. He wanted to ask about what happened, ask about the baby and how she would be, maybe even tell her about Yamato… But he couldn't do so over the telephone.

"Can you meet me at the park?" He didn't know where these words came from, but they seemed like good ones.

"Now? … I guess so. Um, where?" Her voice stayed as soft as it was when she first picked up the phone, never rising a bit, and lacking emotion.

"By the bench? The red one in the center of the park, under the willow tree?"

"Sure… I'll see you there…"

"Yeah, see you," he replied, as she hung up her extension. He just stared at the phone for as moment, but then got up and grabbed his keys. Conveniently forgetting to leave a note for his mother, he locked the door and walked down the stairs and out the door.

It was already dark, even at only six-thirty, being late October. The wind blew a bit, though not much, and his tech vest was the perfect weight. Pulling his fisherman's hat lower down over his ears and jamming his hands in his pockets, he quickened his pace, eager yet apathetic at the same time to meet with his friend.

The walk to the park was a short one, it being located between his and Hikari's houses, and he got there quickly, around seven. He knew exactly where to go, and made his way through couples strolling about and late joggers until he was at the weeping willow. Its branches were long, sad and droopy, touching the ground and completely hiding the bench that sat by the water. But he knew the bench was in there, with Hikari, and he pushed aside the branches and let them fall behind him, covering him.

He cleared his throat, and the sixteen-year-old already there looked up at him with her sad eyes. "Ossu Hikari," he whispered softly, taking a seat beside her. She immediately bowed her head from him, not letting him see the tears that were gathered in pools in her eyes.

"Oh Takeru…" her shoulders bobbed a bit as she started to cry, and she let her hair hide her face. "I'm sorry…" He opened his arms, and she gratefully fell into them, sobbing into his shoulder as she had done earlier that day.

"Shhh… It's okay." He wasn't lying to her… not really. It was okay, for the moment at least, since they were together; he was there to protect her and comfort her, and that was okay. "You don't have to say you're sorry."

"Yes, yes I do," she hiccoughed, her face still buried in his shoulder.

"No, I already know how sorry you are… That's all I need."

"Thank you Takeru. For understanding." He was shocked at this statement; Yamato had said he couldn't, and refused to, understand him, yet here he understood Hikari perfectly. As he held her in his arms he felt a pang of guilt for not being sympathetic of Yamato, but he pushed it aside.

"Of course Hikari… Anything for you." Even though her face was buried in his shirt, he could tell she was smiling. "Hikari… Can I ask you something?"

"Um, um… Sure," she finally replied.

"Why Yamato?" Hikari sighed, and for a minute Takeru thought she wasn't going to answer him. But instead she sat up straight and looked him in the eyes. He noticed for the first time the bluish-purple bags under her eyes, probably from lack of sleep. Even though she was only sixteen, she suddenly looked much, much older, and very serious.

"Oh Takeru… I don't know. We were just in the right – or should I say wrong? – places at the time. I was feeling down and I needed someone to cheer me up… And I went to your house, but Yamato was there, and not you." Takeru remembered that day about a month ago – he had been at a basketball game, the game that brought his team to the finals. When he had gotten home Yamato had told him Hikari had dropped by, but he had never said anything else. Oh, how he would have given anything, even the finals, to have been home and able to prevent this whole mess.

"Anyway, Yamato was there. And I don't know exactly how it happened… I don't know. But I wish he would come home." Hikari buried her face in his shirt again, and curled up next to him. She looked so innocent and vulnerable… He didn't have the heart to tell her about his conversation with Yamato. Instead, he just put his arms around her.

"Well, don't worry. I'll always be here for you," was what he said instead.

"Thanks… Takeru?"

"Yeah?"

"I wanna tell you…" Hikari yawned and went on sleepily, "That you're my best friend."

Takeru smiled down at the small girl in his arms. With her eyes closed she looked like a delicate angel, and Takeru couldn't resist ducking his head and kissing her on the forehead. "You're my best friend too, Hikari-chan." Maybe Takeru expected some sort of reply – a nod, a smile, something – but all he heard was the steady breathing of the now-asleep girl. Smiling, Takeru pulled his hat down over his eyes and closed them, resting his chin on Hikari's head. And he fell asleep himself.