Begun: 03.02.02
Finished: 05.25.02
"Burning in an Icy Pond"
Hikari poked her head out the door of her bedroom and looked right and left; Taichi had already left for school and her parents for work, but it seemed they had wisely and unanimously decided to let her sleep late and miss a day. Good thing they had; she hadn't considered how tired she would be after staying up until nearly one in the morning the night before talking to her older brother about things she didn't understand. She sighed; already this unborn child was taking its toll.
Tiredly, she yawned and turned back into her room, took out a pink sweatshirt and a pair of jeans, and sat on her bed, contemplating her choice of clothes. They were faded, old, work clothes, meant for house-cleaning every third Sunday of the month; but did it really matter? After all, she wasn't going to be going anywhere important that day, but more likely than not just going to hang around the house until her family came home, and pretend to be asleep the minute they walked in the door, to avoid confrontation.
She sighed as she pulled her shirt over her head. Whatever happened to her parents understanding her no matter what, always taking her side, and being the beacon of light to lead her along the dark and gloomy road of life? When had things gotten so complicated that their importance in her life diminished into them being two people she happened to live with, two more people who were angry with her for making the wrong decision in her life.
Well, she was angry with them too, for not understanding, she decided as she pulled on her jeans and sat down on her bed again. It really wasn't all her fault; Yamato had egged her on, he hadn't wanted to stop her; and they were treating him like he had nothing to do with this at all, treating him like he was an innocent bystander. That wasn't it, she told herself firmly; I wouldn't have done it if it were Takeru talking to me; if it were Takeru who I were sitting beside on the couch; if it were Takeru who had lead me into that false sense of security.
There was a nagging feeling gnawing away and tugging at her heart; she knew that wasn't really the truth, that she would have done that if it were Takeru (if he let her) but still… She shook her head dismissively and closed her eyes, then opened them and walked from the room, grabbing her coat and slipping on her shoes. They should be more understanding. They were her parents.
Hikari closed the door to their apartment behind her and slowly turned the key in the lock, twisting the knob and making sure the door was securely shut tight before pocketing the key and starting briskly towards the main street. She knew her destination once she was out in the cool air, although she hadn't known when she was in her apartment where she was headed.
All the way across town, stopping several times for breath, Hikari dragged herself up the stairs to his apartment and knocked suddenly on the door, slipping inside when he pulled it slightly open. It didn't even dawn on her to be surprised that he was at home until after he had offered her a seat and made himself comfortable beside her. "Hikari," Takeru stated simply, slightly surprised, "Why are you… here?"
"They didn't wake me this morning…" She looked down and wrung her hands, letting out a soft breath. "I don't- I don't think they wanted to speak to me." She forced herself to keep her eyes glued to a stain on the worn rug beneath her feet; she knew if she made eye contact with him she would start to cry, no doubt. Oh, how was it her life had gotten so complicated?
"Oh, I'm so sorry Hikari. Look, I haven't- haven't gotten dressed yet – " it was true, he was wearing only oversized basketball shorts and a white undershirt " – But you're more than welcome to wait here for a moment while I get some – er, clothes on." He was uncomfortable, but she didn't seem to notice.
"Right Takeru," she said miserably, "I'll stay right here. Don't worry about me." She forced a smile, and sank deep into the couch, waiting for his return. As soon as he plopped into the seat beside her, fully dressed, hair tucked neatly under his white fisherman's hat, as usual, she turned to him. She didn't say anything, not for at least ten minutes, just sat next to him, in complete and utter silence. He looked concerned; he looked like he wanted her to say something, despite the fact that it was so much easier sitting in silence than answering impossible questions.
She finally decided she owed him an explanation; or, at least, should give him something to ponder while she decided how to explain her going over to his house in the middle of a school day. Before asking anything that would be logical, though, – "What happened to me, Takeru?" or "How did my life get so complicated, Takeru?" or "Why don't you hate me too… Takeru?" – she looked straight into his blue eyes, so full of concern, and said quickly, "Takeru, what time is it?"
His face broke into his familiar grin, and he chuckled. "Twelve-thirty, Hikari-chan. Why do you ask? I'd have thought you would have at least checked the clock before dashing out of your house." His sapphire eyes danced with happiness, and laughter sparkled in their corners; he teased, "I didn't think I was that important."
She laughed, softly, and patted one of his hands. "You know you're the most important thing in my life right now, Takeru-chan. You know it."
Hikari sighed contentedly, and leaned back, grinning, her plate of almost-finished food wobbling dangerously on her knees. "Thank you for the lunch, Takeru-chan. I completely forgot to have breakfast before I left…"
He grinned – how many times had he grinned at her today? – and she got up without warning and picked up both their plates, emptying their contents into the trash bag in the kitchen adjacent to the living room they were in. "Oh, 'Kari-chan, you really don't have to do that, you know," he told her.
"No, no, I want to," was her adamant reply. She reappeared in the room and shrugged, still smiling; "You made the food, I clean up."
"But Hikari-"
She threw her hands in the air. "Oh Takeru!" Coming over to him, she came up behind the couch, and snaked her arms around his neck. God, how he hated when she did something like this. "Really, I don't mind," she whispered, resting her chin on his shoulder. "You know I'd do anything for you."
Not again. Not again. Not again. He immediately felt his insides recoil with her slightest physical touch, and this was too much for him. He had the half-nerve to reply "And I, you, Hikari-chan," but instead twisted in his seat, and looked up at her. "Hikari, the baby…" he trailed off lightly, changing tact.
It worked. She moved backwards and looked pained, but said quickly, "What about it?"
"Hikari…" he sighed. "What – when – are you going to tell the others?"
Hikari perched herself on the top of the couch and swung her legs. "Today – tonight?"
He nodded briskly. "The sooner the better, you know. Daisuke is…" Don't continue, he told himself furiously. Don't say anything about Daisuke.
"Daisuke is what? I know he's going to be disappointed, but…"
It was too late. She was going to go off on another tangent, something she did whenever he brought up the fragile subject of her and Daisuke – as a couple or anything less. And he was going to foolishly pursue it, like always. "But what Hikari? But he'll have to deal with it? That isn't fair."
"Life's not always fair," she snapped back, letting her hand drift to her midsection. "Unfortunately, life's just something we all have to take in stride, like it or not."
He sighed again. Why did he always do this? "Hikari, I know, but this isn't fair to him – you have to tell him your feelings someday, and before the baby-"
"I'll tell him just like everyone else," she ended curtly, in a manner that told him it was settled, end of story. "He'll have to get used to it, so please don't press it."
He lost. He could have always said, "Hikari, no, you have to tell him…" but he didn't. He never did. And he always lost this fight. Instead: "Have it your way Hikari…" and a big smile. But this time the follow-up was something different, something bolder. "So you'll tell them all today then?"
"I s'pose so… After all, better sooner than later." Hikari flashed Takeru a quick grin, but it was already different from the one she wore earlier – this was loathing, hate. Because he had never forced her to do something she hadn't wanted to do before. He felt a new sense of power – and at the same time was kicking himself.
Damn his stupid, mixed-up feelings.
-
Izumi Koushiro peered up into the high canopy of the maple tree above him, blossoming in colour. It was beautiful. If only it wouldn't keep shedding… "Iori!" he called, loudly. "Iori, stop that!"
His brown hair half-hanging in his eyes, Hida Iori still looked solemn as ever when he swung his fourteen-year-old body down from the tree branch where the magnificent leaves hid most of him. It was still startling to Koushiro to see Iori so grown up, but he quickly regained his senses, and said, "Stop with the leaves! No more!"
"Sumimasen, Koushiro-sama… But they're just leaves!" Koushiro was startled off balance now. The quick grin the younger boy gave him now didn't seem to fit Iori's personality. But everything had changed over the years; even since Iori had come to terms with his feelings about his father, he wasn't always sullen, and serious. "Koushiro," the young boy had told him so many years ago, "ever since Mr. Oikawa showed up… ever since then I've learned so much. My father was a greater man than I ever knew. And now… now it's ok to laugh. He'd want me to laugh."
And he laughed. Thus ended Iori's introverted ness, his shy manner. He'd loosened up so much; he no longer only confided in Koushiro and Miyako, and now Ken and Hikari became his most special friends. Everything was okay with the boy now. As he had also told Koushiro, "Now I don't fear waking up to a happy day, because I no longer have to hide my smile."
And he didn't hide it, Koushiro noted; he smiled everyday now.
"Iori-kun, leave Koushi' alone," Miyako gently scolded, bringing him back to reality. Koushiro had to smile at Miyako's loving nature, and even at the name she had so kindly bestowed upon him so many years before; and also because she was so… unchanged. Stubborn and pig-headed as ever, five years had barely changed Miyako in the slightest. Except her body… Koushiro grinned to think what Mimi would do to him now if she ever knew of his thoughts towards the younger girl. What a red mark he would have on his face!
Iori nodded solemnly, and pulled himself back into the tree he was in. Ichijouji Ken shook his head, and muttered softly, "Never know what he's going to do now, that Iori. He's changed so much…" Ken let out a soft sigh and ran a hand through his dark azure locks. Well, thought Koushiro, this boy is the opposite of changed. It was true, too. He was serious as ever, if not a bit more so. But he had a fun-loving side now too; Miyako had contributed to that.
"Oh Ken-kun," she stated, from her place on the oak bench, head in Ken's lap. "Let him change." He sighed, but attempted a light smile when she intertwined her fingers with his and added, "You act too- too mature. Leave him alone." Ken merely nodded.
"Ken, come on. Lighten up! A little fun never hurt anybody!" Daisuke piped from his seat on the ground, at the edge of the bench. He was absently braiding and twisting one of his two best friend's long hair, which was hanging over the edge of the bench, and too tempting for him to ignore. She, however, didn't seem to be annoyed, for once.
"Oh Daisuke… I just…" Ken sighed. "He's just so… different."
"Ken-kun, we've all changed," Miyako noted sensibly.
"Not 'Kari-chan," Daisuke spoke quickly. And you, Koushiro thought ruefully. He was still the first one to defend Hikari, and the first one to say anything against a bad word towards her; and he still always called her 'Kari-chan; occasionally 'kiobito', but not often enough for Takeru or Taichi to see point in stopping him, and never anything else. He really was infatuated with her – perhaps this was love he felt now, at age sixteen.
Takenouchi Sora shook her head, her short cap of red hair bobbing. "Hikari has changed too…" she spoke solemnly, in a low voice. Since the death of her father a year ago, Sora just hadn't been the same. More quiet, less out-going – not that she ever really was, anyway – and much, much older. Like she had gone through too much in her nineteen years. "Face it; we all have."
Daisuke huffed, and Miyako smoothed things over; "Where is Hikari-chan? She and Takeru wanted to meet with us, but they aren't…" She trailed off as Hikari, dressed in sweats, and Takeru, escorting her, came down a short hill, followed slowly by Taichi, his hands in his pockets, head bent down, scarf flying. Miyako waved her hand in greeting and they smiled back at her – all except Taichi.
Sitting up, Miyako called, "Ossu! You're finally here!"
"Right," Hikari said shortly. While Taichi grunted hello and sat beside Sora on a large rock close by the bench Miyako and Ken occupied, both Hikari and Takeru stood; he was wearing a big, obviously fake smile, her, a tiny grin, if that.
"Well…" Ken started in a low voice. "You had to say…?"
Hikari blushed, and Takeru said, "Don't rush her. She's been through a lot-"
"No, nevermind Takeru." Hikari placed a hand on his arm that made Daisuke glow red with jealousy. What did Takeru know that he didn't?
"Out with it!" he said, more forcefully than he intended. He had expected Hikari to only glance at him, but she glared, and tightened her grip on Takeru's arm. Daisuke blushed at his own stupidity; why, oh why, did he always make stupid comments when she was around? He always kept his emotions in check when she wasn't around.
Koushiro shut his laptop, and looked right up at the seemingly couple. He noticed Iori hang from the branch above him, and gave the littler boy a small nod. Normally, he would have smiled; but what was so wrong with what Hikari had to say that it was taking her so long to say it? "Hikari?" he started timidly, but was cut off when Miyako got up beside her friend, Daisuke abruptly dropping her hair.
"Hikari-chan? Please tell us… what you wanted to say." She was firm, Koushiro noted, with admiration – firm, and comforting at the same time. Hikari didn't frown at her like she would have Daisuke, but rather shot Miyako a small smile.
"Oh, it's nothing really…" Takeru gave her a hard look, and she dropped her voice to a whisper. "I'm just pregnant,' she finished lamely.
There couldn't have been a more mixed bushel of emotions. Miyako looked a cross between – sadness and happiness maybe? – while Iori was rather shocked. Koushiro was shocked also, beyond belief, but he was calculating, as always… who was the father; was it a boy or a girl; would Hikari need help; when was it coming; and on and on and on.
Ken looked surprised. There was no other way to put it, Koushiro thought, no other way at all. He looked like someone had dealt him a blow to the stomach, or that something he had always taken for granted had been twisted into the opposite of what it was – like the sun suddenly was found to revolve around the Earth after all. It was quite the opposite look of Taichi, who Koushiro figured must have known beforehand.
Sora, as was the usual now, showed no emotion. She didn't cry, scream, smile, or nod, but rather, let her face go blissfully blank. Koushiro found himself wishing he could figure out what she was thinking; it was so frustrating that he suddenly didn't seem to known her at all. Daisuke, contrarily, was beside himself with anger.
"Let me at him!" he growled, balling his fists, getting up quickly, and getting in front of Takeru. "I'll kill him!"
Everything seemed to happen at once, according to Koushiro – "Daisuke!" Miyako called sharply, and rushed forward to grab his arm, only to be pushed backward into Ken. She looked thoroughly shocked and hurt; her mouth open in an 'O', eyes wide, she looked about ready to cry. Taichi got up off his feet to end the probable brawl, and found he needn't; Hikari situated herself in front of her friend, and yelled, "It isn't him!"
She was glaring at Daisuke, and he immediately backed away, eyes still fiery, a burning hatred for someone burning somewhere deep inside him. "So who is it?" he hissed acidly.
Hikari took a deep gulp of air – Takeru supported her from behind – and she stuttered "Y-Y-Yamato."
Everyone, save Sora and Taichi, looked shocked at this, but Daisuke was the only one who acted, as usual. "You slut!" he screeched. Hikari was taken aback by that, but before she could think of a scathing reply, Daisuke, first always to defend his love, yelled again, "You fucking SLUT! How could you just screw everyone like this!"
Hikari stopped, and stuttered, "I- I-", but was quickly cut off.
"How could you screw everyone? How could you do that? I thought we were your friends! I thought you loved us! All of us!" After a moment, eyes reddened, Daisuke added softly, haltingly, "I thought you loved me."
And, tears welling in her eyes, Hikari opened her mouth, closed it again, and covered it with a hand; she ran before anyone could see her tears; ran away into the woods, slipping on mud and tree roots, but not stopping. She could faintly hear cries of "Hikari!" in the background, but she didn't stop until she was sure the voices were well away from her. She fell to her knees, panting, taking short intakes of breath.
Everything was running through her mind, drowning her - the expressions on each and everyone's faces… Takeru's vows to stick by her… her parents' disappointment… Taichi's shock and disbelief… Everything was playing quickly, in rewind, and then fast-forward, melding together, becoming one…
"You slut!" and "How could you just screw everyone like this?"; she heard Daisuke's words now, and finally got the full impact of them. Even he had turned against her now; and she had thought he would do anything to protect her. Now he was just denying any feelings towards her; he was looking at her like everyone else did; a common tramp.
And he was supposed to be her friend. They all were. Hot tears coursed down her cheeks, and she didn't bother to brush them away. They were supposed to be her friends, and where was she now… in the middle of the woods, alone and friendless. Because she made a mistake. It wasn't fair. Everyone made mistakes. Daisuke had it all wrong; she was their friend; it was they who weren't hers.
Hikari was starting to feel dizzy, and had no idea why; she likened this to burning in an icy pond. Suddenly, the world was coming together, one great blob of colour, blending, swirling… And just before she hit the ground, a strong pair of arms caught her around the middle and leaned her against a tree trunk. "Takeru?"
He grinned. "Hikari-chan, why'd you just run away? You didn't give anyone a chance to explain."
"Explain?" She had only a hint of bitterness in her voice; the rest was sadness; she might listen to reason.
"Right, explain…"
Daisuke stepped out from behind one of the trees, hands in pockets, looking thoroughly sheepish as he stared at a rock on the ground. He knew he wanted to say something to her; she knew he had something to say; and neither knew what. Finally, he stated simply, "I'm sorry."
And that seemed good enough for her. Hikari flung her arms around his neck, positively sobbing; tears and cheeks reddened and tear-stained. "Oh Daisuke!" she moaned; "Oh Daisuke, I didn't mean to- to- to-" her voice broke, and he rubbed her back slowly as she cracked, "I made a mistake, please, forgive me, please…" She trailed off, sobbing in his arms, soaking his shirt with the tears he provoked.
"Oh 'Kari-chan, it's my fault. I didn't mean what I said. I was angry, I was frustrated, I…" He didn't seem to be able to find a way to finish his sentence, but Hikari didn't care; she just leaned into Daisuke's touch, let his breath softly tickle her ear, as her sobs winded to almost nothing.
Softly, she squeaked, but made no reference to a coherent sentence; nothing needed to be spoken between the two; they had a mutual friendship, yet again. It was an odd thing they shared, this friendship; neither wanted to be close to the other unless they needed it; and it didn't seem like much of a friendship besides. Yet nothing could break it, and everyone had a hard time understanding it. Then again, maybe it was they who had a hard time understanding; maybe they didn't know what friendship really was, exactly.
Hikari shook her head, and after a few minutes, breathed slowly. Her face was dry now; she was shocked to see that his face was tear-streaked and wet, his eyes puffy and red. Slowly, deliberately, she used the end of her sweatshirt to wipe his eyes. "Daisuke," she whispered, "Why're you crying?"
"I was just- just thinking." When he saw the look of confusion on her face he took one of her hands, and looked her straight in the eyes. "I was thinking… that you'll be one hell of a mother."
With a great sigh of relief and thanks, Hikari leaned against the tree trunk and closed her eyes; when she opened them a second later she met Takeru's gaze and grinned. "I love you both," she said hoarsely, beckoning Takeru forward and wrapping her arms around his neck. "I don't know how I could live without the either of you. My life would be so boring!"
His laugh, Hikari noticed, was hollow, dead, and full of sorrow; nevertheless, Takeru wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her back, picked her up and twirled her around. "Oh Hikari-chan," he replied, setting her down, "My life would be nothing without you in it. Honestly… what would I do without some excitement? I'd be stuck with Daisuke-" he jabbed at him with his elbow and grinned, while Daisuke made a face of mock anger, "-or Miyako."
Hikari smiled back and looped her arm with his, grabbing Daisuke's hand with hers. "Now don't you say that," she teased, leading the way back, "Or I think Miyako will make you're life very interesting…."
Takeru scoffed, and pointed ahead. "No way, look at her; she's way too interested in the baby." Miyako choose that moment to jump Hikari and fire questions; "When is it due? Girl or boy? What about Godparents? I'm not Catholic, but…."
Hikari grinned and hugged her friend. "No idea-" she started to reply, but Miyako was already off on a tangent, thinking up new questions to spring. "Does Yamato know? What about names? Is a wedding planned? I am going to be a bridesmaid, right? I'd better be…." Daisuke and Takeru stepped in to help Hikari, and Ken grabbed one of Miyako's hands; Iori seemed both interested and calm, while Taichi sat back, smug.
Koushiro didn't notice the din. He was too busy trying to work out the nonexistent expression on Sora's face.