Disclaimer: Her, not me. Don't own, never will.

A/N: Made up all first names, apart from Kakeru's and Machi's.

Can't Be You

It was the most horrible thing in the world. The worst you could feel—the sheer agony of it…it was killer. It was a hundred times worse than dying. It was a thousand times worse than pain. It was…it was! It was so horrific and fearful. Anyone in their right mind would be afraid. And it was happening.

Kakeru Manabe was bored.

He had tried everything that would keep him amused; from making a dirt-castle to making a fort under a chair. But he had played with the few toys he had so often they had gotten quite boring. Also, he didn't have a sibling or anything, and today, none of his friends were available. Kakeru would rather fall asleep—but he wasn't sleepy, so that was impossible.

At the moment, he was lolling around, not doing anything. Just kind of loping about, bored. He looked around at the same old apartment, you know, the usual. Chairs (well, the fort got boring), books (all read about a million times), kitchen (banging around pots and pans had become pointless), computer (didn't know the password), TV (nothing on), Gameboy (he had beaten all his games), etc. Nothing was really interesting.

His mom wasn't home yet, and he didn't have school that day. He had already finished all his homework, yes, even his extra homework his mother poured on him, and done his chores. And by chores, that meant clean the apartment. But even though he had, he was still insanely bored. He wanted to do something or see someone or just have some fun! But it wouldn't get any more interesting until his mom got home. Then it would be a little more interesting, but not really exciting at all.

His mom wouldn't come home in a while. So he had a while to wait. Sometimes he wondered why a dad never came home to him. But the one time he had asked his mother why, she gave him a look that silenced all further questionings. Her face had been a mixture of pain, sadness, fury, remorse, and regret. She glared at him as if he had just sworn badly, destroyed the house, and failed a grade. He didn't dare ask again.

But sometimes he sure did wish a dad would come home.

Kakeru walked into his mother's room, which he usually never did, because there was nothing really interesting in there. There was a picture of her and Kakeru together, and a picture of her current boyfriend, some bozo named Daiki Kyogoku. His mom was so desperate, Kakeru guessed, that she would date anyone nowadays. It was kind of sad, but none of Kakeru's business, as his mother had said several times before.

Kakeru pulled open all the drawers, which held nothing interesting. He dug through receipts, coupons, clothes, makeup, and other mom things. There were a lot of photos of her and Kakeru, her and boyfriends, her and friends…; her…Kakeru…boyfriends…friends…. That was basically it. Not a husband. Not even a definite boyfriend…she usually dumped them after a month when she started to detest something about them. She wasn't a slut; she just wanted the right man. Unfortunately, she never truly had one.

Or did she?

She had Kakeru with someone. And Kakeru had learned from some other older kids at school that you had to like that person a lot. So obviously, at one point in her mother's life, someone became so important to her that she decided to have Kakeru. But then things must've fallen apart, because Kakeru had never known a father. And now…well, it was a little tough living with just his mom and her cycle of men, but it was livable…and time alone should never be taken for granted.

Kakeru dug deeper in his mother's drawer, unearthing coins, familiar photos, memos, and other random things of no interest. He did keep the coins, though. They could be of some use. Kakeru continued to tunnel through the mess, looking at pictures of his mother with friends, boyfriends, Kakeru, her and a man holding Kakeru, her first car—wait a second! Her and a man holding Kakeru! But…none of her boyfriends ever gave a damn about Kakeru. How…and who…!

Kakeru studied the picture closer. The man had jet-black hair, just like him, and gray eyes. But his gray eyes were alight with happiness as he stood up straight and smiled. Kakeru's mother, Ayoka, leaned against his father and her eyes were lit with a loving brightness Kakeru had never seen before. Kakeru fingered the picture almost lovingly, wanting to know more.

Could this be…his father?

When his mother came home, Kakeru was seated on her bed, his gray eyes scanning every detail in the battered old photograph. So…this was his father? He looked like a friendly man…wherever did he go? Kakeru was sure he didn't die…did his mother and this man get a divorce? But they looked…so…happy.

Ayoka Manabe entered her bedroom, and gasped.

"Kakeru!" she burst. "Did a tornado come in here or something? This room is a mess! Oh my god—are those my bras? Kakeru!"

"Oh, uh, sorry," Kakeru said hurriedly. Two sides in his mind quickly had a mental argument one whether or not he should mention the man in the photograph. He decided to go for it. It's not like his mother was a monster. I mean, seriously, he was her son! Honestly, what was the worst thing that could happen? What was the worst punishment she had ever given him? Was that so bad? He thought about it.

It was hell.

But he wanted to ask his mother anyway. After all, he was curious and desperately wanted to know who this person was—was this his father? If so—why was he such a secret? Was it possible he died in a heroic incident?

"M-Mom?" he asked, trying to look as cute, innocent, and un-questioning as possible. "I'm really, really, really, really, really sorry I was looking through you stuff and I was just wondering a little, little, tiny, tiny, itsy-bitsy, tiny, little—"

"Just spit it out, Kakeru!"

Kakeru promptly spat onto the floor with great gusto. He had waited for this opportunity his whole life! He grinned up at his mother, who was looking revolted.

"I didn't mean that literally!" sighed his mother, slapping her forehead. "Ugh, just out with it! And this better be important…!"

Kakeru inwardly cringed, but on the outside, he grinned broadly. Better lead his mom on before actually questioning. She half-forced a smile back. Kakeru closed his eyes firmly, and opened them again. Five…four…three…two…one…!

"Mom! Who's this?" Kakeru asked in a rather obnoxious voice. Kakeru's mother's eyes widened as she snatched the photo from his hand. Her mouth dropped open as she stared at the photo. Kakeru squeezed his eyes shut, expecting what would come next. An explosion of yelling, his mother's absolute fury, possibly a spank—hopefully not. His mother's eyes alight with anger, shock, surprise….

What he did not expect was what his mother did next.

"I…know…you've always been curious…" she said slowly, her eyes glittering with—no way—tears? Kakeru blinked, not understanding…was his mother crying? Did he make her this way? Or was it the memory? Or was it—Kakeru's thoughts were racing furiously, his head spinning. But he heard the final, trembling six words of his mother's mumblings.

"Would you like to meet him?"

Kakeru looked up, his heart beating fast. Meet…his…father? Wow! He couldn't wait. Kakeru had seen on TV what dads did with their sons—play baseball, go on hikes, and camping, and barbeques…. His dad! His own dad! If that was possible, go for it! Kakeru grinned widely, to his mother's disappointment. She inwardly cringed, but forced a smile and picked up the phone.

"Um, Kakeru, please, shouldn't you be doing your homework?"

"I did it!"

"DO SOME MORE!"

"O-Okay…" Geez, his mom must have PMS or something….

The following day, after her mother had spent hours on the phone talking fiercely and quickly with someone, seemingly…negotiating? But that was impossible. When his mother negotiated, she got her way a long time before an hour. Kakeru had listened behind the door and everything, but only heard mumblings, though as quick and fierce as they were, were just mumblings, and he couldn't understand them.

In the afternoon, Kakeru could hardly contain his excitement he finished his homework and chores early so nothing would stand in his way of meeting his father. He even let his mother shove him in a foamy, bubbly bath, but did not allow her to put a geeky suit on him. He chose to wear jeans and a sweatshirt instead. His mother took his hand and led him out the door. She had not said a thing since lunch—when she said "Eat your vegetables, Kakeru." That was the only thing she had said all day. Suddenly, she was talking extremely fast.

"Okay Kakeru, when we get there, be on your best be—no, wait, no, no, be on a normal person's best behavior. And also, you'd better mind your manners, say please, thank you, and don't ever grin showing your teeth. Also, they don't want you dragging dirt, so stop walking in it! Now! And also, don't—"

It seemed to go on forever, Kakeru was hardly listening. He was already imagining what his father would be like. Those bright, gray eyes and big, inspiring smile speaking with a booming, comforting voice…. "Let's go play some baseball, Kakeru!" or "Kakeru, let's spend the day together." You know;something along those lines. Something a good father (which his dad was for sure) would say to an eager son (Kakeru, of course). Kakeru almost skipped along with his mother in happiness.

"We're here."

Kakeru looked up at a gigantic house. It was absolutely huge; it was like a hotel. Was this where his dad lived? Was this where he would live? AWESOME! Kakeru quickly ran up, despite his mother's "NO, Kakeru!" and rang the doorbell eagerly. The door was answered by a tall, middle-aged man with a large mustache and a butler's outfit. So…he had butlers? Wow…his dad had it all!

"Kuragi-sama," addressed the butler in a sophisticated voice to someone in the other room, "your guests have arrived."

Kuragi-sama?

What was that supposed to mean! That his father wasn't really his…and…but he had to be! But…why did he have a different last name? How…who…or maybe? But he said "your guests", so that man had to be…. Kakeru's head was in a whirl, not knowing what to do. What was going on? And why…?

A tall, black-haired man, his hair already flecked with gray, came from behind. He was dressed in a fine, expensive-looking suit and highly polished shoes. He stared at Ayoka, something like regret and refusal playing in his eyes. And then he stared at Kakeru, who for a split second thought he saw...that same glint in his eye that man had in the photograph. But when he blinked, it was no longer there. His gray eyes were no longer alight with happiness—they were no longer alight with anything. They were like stone; cold, heartless…and unemotional.

"Manabe-san," he addressed formally, as if he didn't know them at all. But his eyes said otherwise. "Come in…come in." His cold eyes lingered on Kakeru, who almost flinched at this strange gaze.

Kakeru and his mother followed this man into a large room that was almost all white and off-white, sickeningly clean and still had that new-furniture smell. Kakeru looked unsurely around…how boring. He hadn't been expecting this. He stared up at a huge, polished sculpture of an angel, her expression neutral and uncaring. He looked around. Fake flowers were squeezed into polished crystal vases, glittering as if they had never been touched. The TV was turned off, and the screen was extremely polished as well—as it if had been polished everyday and showed nothing but educational networks. There were two figures sitting straight as sticks on the unworn couch.

"Please, Manabe-san," said the tight-lipped woman sitting beside a shy-looking little girl. "Sit."

Kakeru's mother's eyes reflected absolute fury and longing to snap, "Don't tell me to sit like a dog, you snake!" She twitched slightly and sat down gracefully. Kakeru bounded on the couch, grinning at the little girl. She sure was shy-looking. Kakeru made eye-contact, and stared for a while at her eyes through her precisely-cut grayish bangs. She stared at him, but unlike him, she looked miserable and trained. Kakeru was content and free. Was this Yin and Yang or what?

"This is Kekashi Kuragi," introduced the tight-lipped woman, her grayish hair tied back in a neat, orderly bun. She indicated the tall, lightless-eyed man. "He is my husband. This," she said, indicating to the little girl next to her, "is Machi Kuragi. She is my daughter. And you, Ayoka…-san?"

Kakeru's mother looked absolutely furious from where he sat, a vein was pulsing on the side of her head, and her fists were clenched. Although, this did not show to the other woman, who was smiling, but it looked more like a grimace the way she did it. Ayoka simply looked her straight in the eye, smiled a non-grimacing one, and said, "This is Kakeru, Kekashi Kuragi's son. Don't deny it, Etsuko." She didn't use an –san at the end. There mere words made Etsuko shake with fury and narrow her dark eyes.

Wait…what? This Kekashi was his father? So…so, why wasn't his last name Kuragi? But this man…wasn't his father. His father had light in his eyes. And his father could smile. This man…could not. Kakeru didn't know what had happened to him, but he definitely wasn't the same guy. Not anymore. Maybe he'd look the same to most, but something just…happened. And he changed. This was not his father. His father would have refused to leave Ayoka. His father would not have married such a stuck-up neat-freak. His father would actually care about him! This man was NOT his father!

So, did that mean Kakeru really didn't have a father? Did this mean he was just…fatherless? People at his school had a name for that—illegitimate, was it? Yeah, it was some big word like that. Kakeru didn't care about that right now. All he cared about was leaving. So maybe this man had, well, had him with his mom, but he wasn't his father. Kakeru would just have to find his own father. His birth one…was a disappointment. And Kakeru wouldn't stand for that.

"So," Kakeru murmured, staring straight at his father. Etsuko pretended to be astounded at the fact he could talk, Ayoka hissed, "No, Kakeru!" in his ear, and Machi stared, wide-eyed and transfixed, at Kakeru. "You say you're my father?"

"No he doesn't!" Etsuko snapped. "He most certainly does not!"

"He is your father," said Ayoka, shooting a disgusted look at Etsuko."

"Well, what do you have to say about it?" Kakeru questioned, looking very serious. And he meant it this time. "Are you or are you not my dad?"

There was a loud silence. Both women were screaming in their head, "Listen to ME, Kekashi!", Machi seemed to be thinking, "Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no…", and Kakeru was urging himself to keep the "Out with it, moron!" to himself.

Finally,

"I…am."

Etsuko looked up furiously, Ayoka stared up as well, surprised. Kekashi shut his eyes for a moment, and repeated it again. Machi stared…and nearly smiled; perhaps at the fact that she had a brother? Kakeru narrowed his eyes. Sorry, Machi, but this has to be said.

"Wrong, moron," said Kakeru, looking up seriously at Kekashi. "Wrong. My dad died." He whipped out the picture, and heard Ayoka squeak "Oh my god…!" Kakeru carried on anyway. "He died a long time ago. He died when this look," Kakeru indicated to the smile and bright eyes, "died. And if you can't bring it back, you aren't my dad. You know why? It's because it died. It died. My dad can't be you. He can't be you."

Kakeru narrowed his eyes. Kekashi looked away, and didn't look back. Kakeru stuck out his tongue, and went up to Machi. She looked shocked and slightly disappointed. He stared at her straight in the eye, and she nearly flinched. He kept staring. Ayoka made to move forward, but she stopped herself. Kekashi just stared weakly. Etsuko could not stand this offense.

"Get AWAY from her, you—you!"

"Make me!" taunted Kakeru. He glared angrily at her, and her pupils shrunk slightly. Kakeru's look must've been insanely intense. "We're leaving."

Kakeru, from that day forward, never felt anything the slightest bit positive about Kekashi Kuragi and that bitch, that Etsuko. He almost forgot about Machi, even if he worked so hard to beat her. He vowed...someday...he'd set his and his mother's life straight.