Chapter Eleven

It was two-thirty. Hermione gathered her books together and nearly skipped down the stairs to the Gryffindor common room. Another two or three hours of researching with Severus! She couldn't think of anything else she'd rather be doing this afternoon. "I'm going to the library," she said, heaving the stack of books onto the table between Harry and Ron (they were actually doing homework!) so she could cast a feather-light spell on them.

"Looks like you've already got the whole library with you there," Ron said, moving his Astronomy chart to the side to peer at the titles along the spines. "Defensive Magical Theory," he read, "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Dark Creatures of Britain, The Real Monster Under the Bed… This isn't for class, what are you doing?"

"Extra credit work," she said shortly, piling the books back into her arms and heading toward the portrait hole.

"For who?" Ron asked.

"For whom," she corrected over her shoulder, and then the Fat Lady's picture swung shut behind her and she was alone in the peace of the chilly corridor. Though the grounds of Hogwarts were no longer covered in snow, it was still bitingly cold outside, so most of the students were in their common rooms studying, playing games or chatting. She nodded to a Hufflepuff prefect on the third floor, but otherwise saw no one on her way to the dungeons.

Hmm, she thought upon arrival at the Potions classroom door. Should I knock, or just go in? On one hand, it seemed rather silly, after what had happened between them, to remain so formal. On the other hand, they needed to remain formal so something like what happened Thursday night didn't happen again. Much as she wanted it to…

Shifting the books to one arm, thankful they weighed nearly nothing, Hermione raised a hand to knock, but the door swung open and her fist hit air. "Good afternoon," Severus said softly, gesturing her inside. "Were you seen?"

"Only by a Hufflepuff, but I don't even know him well, and in his eyes I was heading toward the library."

"Very good." He closed the door behind her and followed her in.

"You have some sort of alert on the door, don't you?" Hermione asked, setting the books on a table in the middle of the room and taking the spell off of them.

He looked surprised for a moment, then said, "Yes, actually. The doorknob glows when someone is just outside." He went to his desk and put a stack of papers he had been grading in a drawer. "You don't have to knock," he said quietly, not looking at her, "if you know I'm expecting you."

"What if you're not expecting me?" she asked, her voice soft but somewhat flirtatious. Her tone surprised even herself.

Severus cleared his throat. "Then I would prefer you knock." A few of his long, graceful steps and he was at her side. He smelled good, like wood smoke and harsh soap. She fought the urge to lean into him. "Shall we?" he asked.

"Hm? Oh, yes." She sat on a stool she pulled up to the desk and he sat beside her, not quite close enough to touch accidentally. Hermione was a bit disappointed at that, but knew it was for the best. Though she knew the next couple of hours would be torture, she was greatly looking forward to them. Just being near him, working with him…

"You're early," Severus commented as he took a book from the top of the stack and started skimming the table of contents for anything that may have been helpful.

"I wanted to get started." Hermione flipped open to a page she had marked in Dark Creatures of Britain and began to reread the chapter on boggarts. "I want to figure this out. I want to help Harry. And you." She chanced a glance at him and was a bit startled to find herself looking into his eyes.

"Why?" His gaze was gentle, his black eyes deep pools she was falling into.

"You know why," she whispered, looking away, staring at the book but not seeing the words. She knew full well he wanted her to tell him why, but she couldn't. She couldn't say it again. It had been hard enough to admit she had feelings for him the first time. Her heart pounded her ribcage and adrenaline shot through her body, clear to her fingertips and the roots of her hair.

"You shouldn't want to help me." Severus sounded rather… dejected, something she was entirely unaccustomed to hearing in his tone.

"I do, though." She looked over at him again and saw him open his mouth to reply, but before he could say anything, she added, "And if we're going to accomplish anything today, we'd better get with it." At that, she turned her full attention to the book in front of her.

An hour and a half later they'd still accomplished nothing past covering the tables around them with books and papers. "This is ridiculous," Severus exclaimed, throwing his quill down and splattering a stack of notes with ink. Hermione frowned up at him, but vanished the droplets without a word. "I'm going to get some more useful books." Hermione was hurt, for a moment, that he didn't think the books she'd found were good enough, but as she watched him stalk into his office and pull the door almost shut behind him, she realized that, being the Potions Master of Hogwarts and, indeed, one of the greatest Potions Masters in Britain, he would have a greater, more extensive collection of books pertaining to their subject.

A few minutes passed in which she halfheartedly took some notes on counter spells for dementors. He still wasn't back. Hermione realized she hadn't even heard any sounds from his office. "Severus?" She leaned to one side in order to see into the room, but the door was open a mere crack. "Sir?" Still nothing. She crept to the door and listened, but didn't hear even the rustling of turning pages. Taking a deep breath, Hermione pulled the door open and looked inside.

He wasn't there. But… where had he gone? She looked all around at the desk, the shelves on the wall which held books and jars full of slimy, pickled things. There was nowhere to hide. No other exit, no door in the walls or even the ceiling that she could see. She hoped he was all right.

Hermione began walking along the walls, feeling the stones for any crevices or hidden catches that might open a door. She knew there had to be something somewhere. She pressed here and there, checking the corners, knowing that Severus didn't just disappear. But even if there was a hidden door, where could it lead? The library? The restricted section, perhaps? She fingered a slight bump in a stone that was a slightly different colour than the rest – nothing.

Suddenly her hand shot through the wall behind his desk. The air behind it was cooler and slightly damp. It seemed her hand was in another room. Taking a last look around the office and drawing her wand out of her robe pocket, she stepped through into a narrow corridor, dimly lit by small torches high up. The walls were stone but the floor was dirt and it smelled rather musty. "Lumos," she whispered, and a silvery light glowed at the tip of her wand, illuminating the passage. "Severus?" she called softly. "Are you here?" It was perfectly silent. There was a wall at her back, but Hermione couldn't tell how far the corridor stretched ahead of her. Steeling herself for anything, she started down the passage.

x.x.x

The last book from the shelves in Severus' room was piled into his arms and he nearly groaned under their weight. He considered spelling them lighter, but he would be back in the classroom in a few moments; there was really no need for such a short trip. Shifting the pile so he could hold it more comfortably, he strode through the wall behind his desk and turned down the hidden corridor. There was a light ahead, and quiet steps. "Who's there?" he demanded, somehow managing to draw his wand while balancing the books against his chest with his right hand.

"S-Severus?" stuttered a small voice from behind the light. He realized it was Lumos at the end of a wand, and recognized the voice as Hermione's.

"What are you doing down here?" he asked, sweeping down the corridor and shrinking all the books to fit in the palm of his hand.

"I, I um, didn't see you, I mean, in your office – "

"Why were you in my office?" He was bearing down on her quickly and was soon just a few feet from her. He stopped and crossed his arms, glaring down at her.

"I… I'm sorry." Her eyes shone with tears. "I just, I didn't hear you and I… I wanted to… make sure you were okay." The last words were rushed together and said as she stared at the floor. Her eyes flicked quickly to the books in his hand. "Where does the passage lead?"

"That is none of your concern," he said, taking a step forward which caused Hermione to step backwards. When he saw her face, though, her eyes slightly bloodshot and her lips trembling, he relented. "If you must know, it leads to my private rooms."

"Oh." He could tell she was thinking. "That makes sense." Slowly they started back toward the other end of the corridor and appeared in the office a few moments later. "What's further down the hallway?"

"I don't know. Just past my room there is a sort of study decorated in reds and golds." He said the names of the colours disdainfully. "There was a big picture on the wall, a fireplace, a desk. I didn't bother to look past that."

Hermione let out an odd sort of squeak and put a hand to her mouth. "Are you all right?" he asked, half confused, half annoyed.

"Fine," she said quickly. "Do you need help with those books?"

"No, thank you." He opened the office door into the classroom and set them all on a desk where he unshrunk them. "Back to work then?"

x.x.x

Severus had informed Hermione that he had too many papers to finish grading Sunday, and Monday evening Hermione had a meeting with Ernie, so it was Tuesday night before she saw him again. "Did you find anything in Unusual Creatures?" Severus asked as she entered the classroom promptly at seven. He didn't look up from the papers spread across his desk.

"Yes, actually." Hermione was beaming at him. "Look." He stood as she approached his desk and lay a hand on her shoulder as she set a book down on its surface. "Severus," she moaned in a whisper, "please."

"My apologies," he said quickly, drawing his hand away and resting it on the edge of the desk. "I hardly noticed I did it."

Hermione was silent, wondering if he truly didn't notice how his palm had rested so naturally on her shoulder, or if he'd planned it and was lying about it. Did it matter? The contact sent shivers all through her body no matter the reason for it. "Um." She blinked several times, then opened the book. "I… I found out that there's a sort of… cousin of the boggart." Hermione pointed to a bit of text she'd highlighted with a spell (it would wear off when she returned the book to Severus, as it was from his private collection). "It shows up in dreams, but has the same effect a boggart would have."

Severus skimmed the paragraph, nodding. "I'd forgotten about those. Dream-boggarts, terribly clever name," he sneered. "There is an antidote for them, if you will allow me to find the book containing it without chasing after me."

Nodding silently, somewhat deflated, Hermione trudged to the desk in the corner of the classroom where she'd left the stack of books from Saturday afternoon and pulled one out of the stack at random.

"Hermione?" Severus' voice was soft behind her as he turned from the door of his office and walked toward her. "I'm… sorry… for my harsh words." It seemed to cost him a lot to say that, from the way he winced slightly and didn't look at her, but she was glad he'd said it nonetheless.

"It's all right," she said quietly. "I'm rather used to it." She took a seat at a desk near the back and started paging through it.

"Hermione." She looked up at him. "I truly am sorry." His face was grave, his eyes honest. "You have certainly given me no reason to act in such a way. I suppose…" He took a deep breath. "I suppose you… fluster me. I… do not know how to react in your presence."

Wow. "Ditto," she replied with a soft laugh. "What are we going to do?" Her words were barely audible and Severus had to step closer to hear her.

"There is nothing we can do," he said sadly.

Gods, she could smell him again. Not only smoke and soap, but something purely him, something unique and dark and earthy that was just Severus. "Right." She tilted her face upwards to meet his eyes and remembered when she'd splashed the pain relieving potion on her face not so long ago, how tender his thumb had been on the corner of her mouth. Then she remembered last Thursday, how urgently he had kissed her, how he nearly begged her not to leave. It was too much. She couldn't stay here, not if she wanted to keep her dignity intact, not if she wanted to keep her Head Girl position and, indeed, her position at Hogwarts school! "I've got to go," she muttered, brushing past him and hurrying out into the corridor.

"Hermione!" He was calling after her again, wanting her to wait, to stay… but she couldn't. She shouldn't.

"I'm sorry," she said over her shoulder, shutting the door behind her and trotting up the steps at the end of the hallway, her arms wrapped around her body, fighting back tears. It was too much, it was too hard! Why did this have to happen? Why did she have to fall for someone she couldn't have? There was an empty classroom on the first floor and she practically fell into it, slamming the door shut behind her and collapsing into a dusty chair, resting her head on her arms as she leaned over a desk, sobbing. Would it ever get any better? Would this feeling ever leave her?

x.x.x

Making sure he wasn't seen, Severus followed her out of the classroom and crept silently up the stairs and down the corridor behind her. He waited a moment after the classroom door slammed shut, then opened it quietly, slowly. "Hermione?"

"No, no, no," she said, shaking her head and turning away from him, hiding her face. "Go away, leave me alone. Forget about me."

"I can't." His voice shook as he pulled a chair close to hers, the metal legs scraping loudly on the stone floor. "How could I forget about you? It's like asking the sky to forget the stars." Where did that come from? he wondered.

Evidently it shocked Hermione as well, for she looked up at him, nose red, cheeks streaked with tears. "What?"

"I…" He looked down at the floor and folded his hands in his lap.

"I didn't know you could… you could speak like that." Her voice was full of wonder and… was it admiration?

"Nor did I," he muttered, rising and pacing back and forth across the small room.

"I don't want to stop working with you…"

"But?" He knew there was more to come.

"But…" She took a shuddering breath and tried to sit up straight. "But I don't know if I can. The… temptation… is so strong…"

Severus froze, gripping the windowsill for support, staring out into the dark night. He was a temptation for her? "I… understand," he managed to say, not turning.

"I… Oh, Merlin!" Hermione exclaimed, rising also and walking to the head of the classroom, leaning one shoulder against the cracked chalkboard. "Severus, you're… everything I've ever wanted!"

He whipped his head around. "What… what did you say?" he asked, voice trembling.

"I said you're everything I've ever wanted in… in a man." She gazed deeply into his eyes. He couldn't have looked away if it cost him his life. "I know of no one else who loves Potions as much as you do, and research, and… and just working on… things." She turned red and dropped her gaze to the floor. "You understand what it's like to love those things. You don't make fun of me for liking them. You… you know so much." She wrapped her arms around herself and Severus noticed she was shivering. "I want you to tell me all of it, everything you know about Potions and Defense and… and everything! Your life, your work… Merlin!" She broke down again, trying to muffle her sobs with her hand.

He'd never been any good at comforting. Severus stood frozen by the window, completely unsure of what to do. What he wanted more than anything else was to hold her. Was that right? Was that… comforting? There was only one way to find out. He walked toward her slowly, one hand stretched out to her. The second his fingertips touched her shoulder she fell into him and he barely managed to catch her, pulling her into his arms, staggering back a step as she hit him. Her arms twined about his waist and her breath was hot on his throat as she struggled to stop her tears. "Gods," he whispered, breathing in the scent of her hair. He closed his eyes rested his palms on her shoulder blades.

They stood like that for a very long time. Severus didn't move, hardly dared to breathe, except to stroke her hair, strands of shining silk beneath his fingers. Every once in a while she would adjust her arms around him or move her head and every new touch sent lightning through his blood.

"We can't do this." Hermione's soft voice broke him from the dreamlike state he'd been in.

"What?"

"We can't – "

"I heard what you said, but I thought – "

"I know." She stepped back, out of his arms. An overwhelming sense of loss filled Severus. "But we can't."

"Why not?" He knew it was ridiculous, that she was right, yet he couldn't just let her go like this, not again.

"There are so many reasons, Severus!" Her voice had a hint of panic to it, as well as exasperation.

"But we – " he cut himself off, not knowing how to finish the sentence. How could he finish it in a way that would make sense? But no, this wasn't fair! The only kindness, the only tenderness that he'd been shown for years, and it had to end like this? No! No, he wouldn't let it, wouldn't let her do this. He changed tactics. "Look me in the eyes," he said, taking Hermione by the shoulders, "and tell me you don't want to be with me."

"I don't," she said in a small voice, not quite meeting his gaze.

"You're lying!" He shook her gently. "Look at me, Hermione Granger, and tell me you don't want to kiss me." His eyes were frantic, searching her face for a flicker, anything.

"Severus," she whispered, looking into his eyes, but she could say no more, for his lips were pressed against hers, his arms were tight around her, pinning her against his body. She gave herself to him completely for a moment, returning his kisses as urgently as he gave them to her, parting her lips and allowing his tongue to flick in and taste hers, running her hands up his back, then moving one arm to rest her palm against his cheek, sending shockwaves through his body with her every move and every moan.

But then she stiffened, tried to pull away. "Severus," she gasped, but he pulled her back toward him, his eyes squinted shut, his whole body tense. His mouth was covering hers, some mad part of his brain telling him that if he didn't let her go, she'd come around eventually, she had to. "Severus! I can't – " But he held her tighter. Please, you have to come around, please don't leave me, please, Hermione, he begged in his mind.

"Professor Snape!" Her breathless shout finally brought him back to reality and he released her immediately, taking several steps backwards, his eyes wide. "Hermione," he breathed, "I'm so sorry, so very sorry."

"I…" Though Severus could see no external wounds, he felt he had bruised her somehow. "S-Severus…" Her eyes filled with tears once more and for the second time that evening he watched her run away from him, leaving the door to swing open behind her. Her footsteps echoed down the corridor. She was gone.

He shuddered and leaned against the wall, the stones cold on his back. Severus raised a hand to his mouth, almost doubling over with the shame of what had just happened. "What have I done?" he whispered.

x.x.x

Hermione slept very poorly that night, waking every hour or so only to stare at the numbers on her alarm clock until she fell back into a fitful sleep. She didn't dare drink the Sweet Dreams Syrup that still rested on her bedside table; she was too afraid of what might happen if she did. Instead, she dreamt about pale hands clutching at her in the darkness, covering her mouth, she couldn't breathe! She awoke with her head buried in the pillow. It was five in the morning and Hermione knew that after such a nightmare she couldn't get back to sleep. Pulling her gown on over her t-shirt, she slipped down the stairs to the common room. She had no homework to do, no studying. Somehow she couldn't bring herself to work on the nightmare problem for Harry and… him. So she sat staring out the window, watching the sun rise and trying not to think until students began to filter downstairs to the Great Hall for breakfast.

She picked at her food, eating half a piece of toast and drinking a little orange juice. Ron, of course, was oblivious, and Harry was too cheerful to notice. "It's working well, then?" she asked quietly during a lull in the conversation about their upcoming Magical Creatures class.

"The potion?" Harry muttered back. "Yeah, it's great, thanks!"

At least someone's happy, she thought as she swung her bag onto her shoulder and started for her first class. Too soon it was lunchtime (she managed a bit of soup and a roll) and after that came Advanced Potions. Severus – Professor Snape – What should I call him? she wondered, but was unable to come to a conclusion. He merely barked orders at them to turn to page 256 and brew the potion they found there. He didn't say a word for the rest of the class period, just bent over some papers on his desk which he occasionally made marks on.

"Miss Granger, stay after class. I must discuss your grade with you," he said almost listlessly as the students packed their bags and started for the door. Draco Malfoy snickered as Pansy Parkinson tucked herself under his arm. "Another detention, Mudblood?" he asked maliciously. She couldn't even bring herself to shoot him a dirty look.

When the classroom door closed behind the last student, Hermione approached the Potions Master. "Yes?" she asked, fidgeting with a book in her arms that she'd kept out of her bag for just that purpose.

"I would like to inform you that you are released from your bi-weekly Potions work for the remainder of the year. I shall write your letter of recommendation regardless. I wish you the best of luck, Miss Granger." He didn't look at her once while he said this, but gazed instead at a spot in the air just over her left shoulder.

"No," she said, moving a step closer to the front of his desk. "What about the nightmares, what about all our re – "

"I cannot allow you to continue working with me, Miss Granger."

"Then I would like to respectfully request the use of your classroom twice weekly in order to research further the – "

"Miss Granger – "

"Severus – "

"Don't! Don't call me that!" He looked at her for the first time since last night. "You deserve so much better. I'm sorry you ever got… got involved with me. Now please go."

"No! I will not go! If you won't allow me to use your books and things, I'll figure this out on my own! You don't understand, I've never failed at anything, never given up on something I was passionate about." The word gave her pause – passionate – but she resumed her speech after a moment. "I'll do whatever it takes to defeat… whatever it is that's been bothering Harry… and you." She set her jaw, determined not to back down.

Evidently he noticed this. After muttering something that sounded a lot like "Bloody Gryffindors" he nodded. "Very well. I expect you at seven on Friday night to begin brewing the antidote for the dream-boggart. Good afternoon."

Somewhat satisfied (she had won the argument at least), Hermione turned on her heel and didn't look back. She would conquer this. The nightmares and her feelings for Severus. She had to.

x.x.x

Author's Notes: Oooh, angst! Bwahaha!

Okay, obviously this story isn't done before book six comes out, as that's tomorrow. (TOMORROW!) But I think it should be wrapped up with one more chapter, and maybe a bit of an epilogue after that. We'll see how it goes. Thank you all so much for reading. I hope you've enjoyed it so far. I certainly have. I'm sad that this story is almost over, but believe me, there is going to be a sequel! (I desperately need to finish my other story, Christmas in the Caribbean, first though. Go check it out, it's Jack Sparrow/Hermione! Yes, I know it's weird, but it's fun!)

I'll get the last chapter up as soon as possible, hopefully within the next week as I'm going to be working less and actually NOT GOING ANYWHERE FOR THE WEEKEND! Woo hoo! Yay for staying home for once!

Review Replies:

Natsuyori: Thank you! I don't think this update is what anyone would call "soon" but I tried!

Cithara: Mmm, snogging… Heehee. I torture them so badly (as is quite evident in this chapter, I think). I like modifying muggle things to make them more wizard-y, so I'm glad the saying at the end made sense to you!

Princess Kayle: Unfortunately, no, I don't think Riley ever did finish Pawn to Queen. I was bummed when it just stopped, but I guess something came up (I can't remember what, it's been a while) and she just couldn't write any more.

Hunter0309: Awful feeling indeed! They both feel horrible, but it's not as though they can just ignore their emotions and they'll go away… Or can they…? Bwahaha!

You weren't demanding at all! Actually, you made me put the journal back in the story, which I wasn't sure was going to happen! Yay you! My trip on the 4th was fun, thank you, as was this past weekend at the Renaissance Festival.

Anya: More kissing! Yaaay! Hopefully you're satisfied with this for the time being? (Those scenes were so much fun to write!) Thank you!

ProfessorJaySnape: Well, now I'm not so sure about what I'm doing with the potion. I guess we'll just see how this next chapter goes, eh? (It's so weird for me to just sit down and write without any clear idea of where the story is going. I started this fic by outlining EVERYTHING that happened, practically paragraph by paragraph, but around chapter six that just go too tiring, so I dropped it.) Yeah, freakin' morals. Geeze, lol. Thanks!

Forensicsgirl: Thank you so much! I never would have put Severus and Hermione together either until I stumbled across some really awesome, well-written fanfics about them that totally made me a shipper! Thanks!

Maeri San: Heh heh, working together indeed…

IYWriterGirl: Thank you so much! It's been a lot of fun for me to write these last few chapters since they've actually acknowledged their feelings for each other and are (albeit rather idiotically) doing something about them!

C-dog: Thanks! That really means a lot!

Well… see you… sometime! Hopefully soon!