In Reason

Raoul de Chagny had arrived in Paris with a wariness he could not disguise. For the entirety of Christine's absence, short though it had been, he had felt a persistent uneasiness far beyond any he had known before. Allowing her the journey alone had been against his better judgment, but he had relented to please her. It was clear to him that Christine had needed to say goodbye to her previous life before she could fully embrace her future with him. A future he was growing increasingly impatient to begin.

He had told himself over and over that all would be well. The Phantom had let them go and faded back into the shadows, quite possibly himself finally claimed by the shadow of death. Yet finding Christine gone this morning had brought Raoul's anxiety back full force, and his fear had not eased until the moment she walked through the door.

Sighing in relief, Raoul enveloped his fiancée lovingly in his embrace, his racing heart finally beginning to calm. "Christine, my love, where have you been? I have been so worried for you."

Christine trembled slightly, her dark eyes widening and her face heating. "Raoul? I was...walking. I did not expect you to come with the carriage so early."

He set her back from him with concerned eyes. "Early? It is nearly afternoon, Christine. Neither Madame nor Mademoiselle Giry knew for certain where to find you. I had feared..." A shadow crossed his handsome face before he shook his head and smiled. "Ah, but you are here, and our life together can begin anew."

Unbidden tears came to Christine's eyes, and she gave into the urge to seek support from his steady frame.

Her fiancée! The man she had sworn herself to. The man she had betrayed.

May God forgive me, for I shall never forgive myself.

Raoul held her lovingly, blissfully unaware of the turmoil in Christine's heart and mind. He loosened his arms only enough to smile tenderly at her. "Why don't you collect your belongings, Christine? I am eager for us to return home."

Home? Christine no longer had a home. How could she return with Raoul as if nothing had changed, when everything had?

Yet is this not what Erik wanted for you, Christine? He has sent you into Raoul's arms twice.

She drew a shaky breath and forced a wan smile. "Of course. I...I will only be a few moments."

Making her way slowly up the stairs, Christine felt herself trembling still. She took a deep breath, trying to will away the memory of Erik's touch, his kiss, her own wanton behavior. Before she could reach her room, Meg Giry emerged from her own, having heard Christine in the hall. She rushed to her friend and ushered them both into Christine's room, closing the door and turning the lock.

Meg's wide blue eyes were filled with concern. "Christine, what has happened? Where were you last night?"

Christine winced. "I...I am alright, Meg. You need not worry." The words sounded false even to her own ears.

Meg's brows furrowed, and all at once she looked as stern as her mother. "Christine, I know that you did not sleep here. I could not help but worry for you, but…Maman seemed so certain that you were safe. When le Vicomte arrived and you still had not returned...she told him that we had seen you at breakfast, but then she went to find you herself. I think she was afraid that he might collect the police and head straight to the Opera."

Christine flushed and looked away, the truth clearly visible in her expression. Meg's eyes widened with the realization that her mother's suspicions had been correct. "Oh Christine, tell me that you did not go there!"

The brunette seemed to crumple before Meg's eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks as she buried her face in her hands, confessing brokenly, "I...could not…stay away."

"My God! Why? Why would you take such a risk, after everything that you have done to be free of…?"

Christine's head shot up, her eyes wild and flashing as she cut off Meg's words. "But I am not free, Meg! I will never be free. I feel as though Erik lives in my very soul. He...affects me as no other man ever has…and I know it is wrong...and impossible. After all he has done, I should have been happy to be away from him...finally free to love Raoul."

Christine grasped Meg's hands tightly, her eyes tormented and pleading for understanding. "And I do love Raoul, Meg. He is dear and sweet and noble...and exactly the man that I have always wished would love me." Christine drew a ragged breath as her eyes fell closed and her voice dropped to a whisper. "But my feelings for Erik will not be burned away."

"Then you did seek him out last night?"

Christine nodded tersely. "I went to the Opera House hoping he would come to me. I knew he could not be gone…not when I can still feel him." A shudder passed over Christine.

Meg noticed this, and paled. "Christine, has he...hurt you?"

Christine laughed without humor. "No, Meg. Not in the way that you mean. The hurt he inflicted was in his rejection of me. I told him of my feelings, that I could not bear to leave him again. I...gave myself to him completely...only to find him gone when I woke."

"Gave yourself...Christine? You cannot mean that you...?" Meg found she could not bring herself to complete the question, the very idea of such a thing so beyond her comprehension at that moment.

Tears fell freely from Christine's eyes. "I naively let myself believe that my love would be enough...that we could find a way to remain together. Even now I would cling to that hope if Erik would only allow me, but he has torn it all away with one of his damnable notes." Christine pulled a wrinkled piece of paper from inside her bodice and handed it to Meg; who was still struggling to take in the full meaning of her friend's words.

Meg read the note in silence, the words pulling at her heart and mind as she realized that Erik had set Christine free….asked her forgiveness and wished her happiness.

Perhaps he truly does love her.

Meg lifted her gaze once again to Christine. "What will you do now?"

Christine shook her head sadly. "What can I do? Raoul wishes me to return with him to the country, but how can I after what I have done? Oh, Meg, he does not deserve such betrayal."

"Still...you do love le Vicomte, do you not?"

"So very dearly, but my love for him is not the same as..."

Meg cut her friend's words short. "Erik has set you free, Christine. Perhaps you should allow yourself that freedom."

Christine gaped at her friend. "Do you mean to tell me that I should return to Raoul as if nothing has happened?"

Dear Christine, Meg thought. Why must it always be either Raoul or Erik who must rescue you?

"No...I am only saying that you should not make any more hasty choices which you may later come to regret." Meg reached for her friend's hand, thinking the time had most certainly come to offer a little rescue of her own.

"Christine, your confused emotions are understandable. For so long you believed Erik to be your angel...your protector...only to find out he is just a man….and a dangerous man." Christine looked pained at the words, but Meg continued calmly. "And le Vicomte came back into your life...your childhood sweetheart...offering you his love and devotion just as so much else was changing. Is it any wonder that your feelings for the two have become so tangled?"

Christine shook her head, tears trailing down her cheeks. "But how do I untangle them, Meg?"

A very good question.

Meg could not pretend to understand the depth of Christine's emotions for the Phantom…for Erik, but it was clear that she loved the Vicomte. Meg sighed, knowing only one answer to give her friend. "With time, Christine. There is no longer any danger to you...and really no rush for you to marry. You know that you are always welcome here with us, and Maman will help you to secure a new position if you wish. Le Vicomte surely loves you well enough to permit you a long engagement while you recover from all that has occurred in these past months."

Christine smiled slightly. "When have you become so wise?"

Meg smiled back cheekily. "I have always been wise, it is only that no one has ever listened to me."

Christine wiped her tears, stealing her shoulders. "Well, I am listening, Meg, and you are right. I need time to discover myself again, and I cannot do that at Raoul's estate. I have felt so suffocated there. I only hope that he will understand."

Meg clasped Christine's hand reassuringly. "I cannot imagine why he would not. He loves you."

Christine nodded and stood, pushing open the door with determination, but as she made her way downstairs once again, she could not help the feeling that Raoul would somehow sense Erik's part in her sudden desire for time and distance.