This is a part of me that nobody knows about.
The part that I wouldn't dare show in fear of pity and vulnerability
The secrets I carry are burdens to me. It makes the weight that is already on my shoulders 10,000 times heavier.
The fact is that most people who think they know me don't know the half of it.
They only see the exterior.
The mask happiness I put on every morning to show that i'm ok.
even if that is the farthest emotion in my mind.
The facts are this.
my mother has cancer,
my father is never "home" and
we have no money.
People think we do because we migrated from an exotic country but even when we were there, we had always been careful with our money. My dad recently got a job but my mum's treatments usually eat it up.
We don't even stay in our own place.
We stay with our cousins and their parents. The household is like the fiction ones you see on TV. The ones that have numerous layers of secrets.
The ones with deception, lies, pain.
It's all here.
The screaming, fighting, beating.
The kind of households you see only on the news.
I have to put a brave face everyday to stay strong for my family. Usually i feel the weakest. I've tried to be strong for everybody and have left no more strength for myself.
All my pent up emotions are channeled into my studies. Instead of feeling, I study.
This is the only way I can think of to make my parents aware. If I had a choice, I would rather not.
I would rather enjoy my youth and friendships. Enjoy laughing and smiling.
Of course I laugh and smile, but mine are all empty of meaning.
They too are part of my mask.
The mask that hides my pain.
My two best friends know me but they don't know the real me.
It is quite sad really.
I cannot tell them about most of my life because it is all intertwined with the secrets of my past.
The one I told was taken away from me.
She was my confidant.
The one that I could trust no matter what.
She was like no other I had gained friendship with. She too had a lot of secrets she kept behind closed doors.
She was the person I went to if I needed help and her same. No matter how severe the problem was, we would solve it together.
I did not think much of it before but when problems started happening with our friendship I needed her more.
It was not like the usual rough bumps you get in friendships.
It was more of outside problems.
People who did not want us to be friends.
People who felt threatened with our close bond.
To some people, our close bond was, in a way, unhealthy but it seemed like this only because we were two people who craved attention.
Two people who had been deprived of things.
It was not a friendship that people were supposed to understand because it was our friendship.
Not our friendship with them.
Before her, I had no trust left.
No trust in my friends, no trust in my family, no trust in myself.
This all does not matter now.
She taught me how to trust and believe in people.
Now we have been separated and there is nothing in either's power that can change that.
I miss her so much.
Sometimes, when I think of all my problems and I think of what people have done to mutilate my feelings, I just have to cry.
She used to be the shoulder I would cry on. Now that shoulder had been taken away from me. My support has been taken away from her. Just because of rumours that started when people were jealous of our friendship.
I cry myself to sleep every night. I wait for my mother to sleep before I cry. I wait so that she wont hear my sobs. My tears of pain and pity for myself.
I can hear my mother's deep breathing. Her heat next to my body but all I feel now is coldness. I am indifferent to the world. My insecurities are no more. They have turned to anger and hatred.
Yet still, every night I lie there next to my peacefully sleeping mother trying to silence my wracking sobs. I know she's heard me before. She knows not to say anything about the problem. She knows that I hate it where I am. That I want life to go on like it was before.
I know that there isn't anything anybody can do and there are worse off people than me. But sometimes I can't help feeling isolated. When everybody is happy, I can't help feeling sad and when everybody is sad, I feel a tinge of happiness. Knowing that people are feeling, if not as much, at least a little of what I am.
I know it's selfish to think like this and know that there isn't anyone who feels sad one way or another.
I just wish I felt happier.
If not happier, at least give me back the shoulder I used to be able to cry on.
I know life is ever changing but for once, I wish I could rewind to when I was not so aware of my surroundings. I wish I was more carefree like the other children my age.
My thinking ability is a lot more advanced than most and this has burdened me sometimes.
Lets just hope that once I leave to start Hogwarts, I leave the life I led here behind and be able to start a new one. I abetter, happier lifestyle that will finally help me.
As she once said, "if all is shitty, be optimistic. At least, things couldn't get any worse. Things can only get better."
I trust her judgement and keep that phrase in mind.
Things can only get better