Category: General; Drama

Genres: Some Action, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, hopefully some Humor

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Character Death; language

Spoilers: Season one

Disclaimer: I do not claim rights to any characters other than the ones I have created; just borrowing the SGA team for some fun...have no money, please don't sue.

A/N: An alternate reality from canon where Ford is still with us and there's no shirtless (sigh) Ronon Dex.

Redemption

STARRING: Carson Beckett, Elizabeth Weir, John Sheppard, Rodney McKay

WITH: Radek Zelenka, Aiden Ford, Teyla Emmagan, and Ashri (OC)

AND INTRODUCING: A'shon as OC

Remembrance

As dawn slowly wakes the city of Atlantis with a gentle kiss of pinkish-orange light drifting through the stained glass windows, Lt. Colonel John Sheppard opens his eyes and smiles.

Lt. Colonel…the field promotion still rocks him. He never expected to make it beyond Major. In fact, after going against orders in Afghanistan – though he won the gratitude of the men he saved and their families – he was told he wouldn't be moving up the ladder. Not that it mattered. He'd done the right thing. We don't leave people behind.

He's never been rich and never will be, so John has always managed to get by with the basics: a duffle of clothes, a good book and his Johnny Cash poster. Moving up the ladder with prestige and power has never been his dream. His fathers, yes, but not his. Though, that bachelor pad he imagined on the misty planet had been so cool, so him.

Still, he's been a Major so long, he once jokingly called his girlfriends – during those few and far between times he actually lived in civilization – Majorettes. Which is probably why they didn't stick around all that long. Not that there'd been all that many. John's made a point of self-imposed isolation over the years…familial, or otherwise, personal ties rarely tug on his heart. Flying was his mistress…his love.

Until he found the real thing.

Under the covers, his left hand slowly caresses the long, silky thigh hugging the back of his. He can't get enough of her skin under his, her body moving in time with his, the sweet sighs that escape when he kisses her.

For the past eighteen month and four days, every morning started the same as today. He relishes the warmth of her lying next to him, her breath on his neck. And he wishes he could stay in that spooned position forever. But inevitably, he rolls over to look into her beautiful face, run his fingers through her long, dark hair and wait for her eyes to open and for those gorgeous lips to part into a luscious smile.

All of it happened…as it does every day.

Then his stomach lurches and a lump clogs his throat as dread rises from his gut. The words that destroy him always follow that dreamy smile. The words that make him hate rolling over and seeing her, hearing her voice. The three little words that will forever leave a hole in his heart. "John, wake up."

John Sheppard jerks from sleep. In the middle of the night, darkness envelopes him in the small quarters that he calls home on Atlantis. Sweat trickles down his face and he gasps as the pain from his heart shocks him. Like a bolt of lightning. He rubs his hands over his face, gasping. "Ashri." He fights the urge to sob like a baby.

He left her on Luminance. Alone.

And he hates himself for it.

If only he'd been smart enough to figure out a way to help her, let her stay on Atlantis. Rodney has tried. He's made simulations of weather patterns, played with the stasis system, searched the city data banks for any information about manipulating ionic atmosphere. Nothing works.

And Weir locked him away from Luminance. Locked him away from the woman who saved his life. Saved Teyla and Ford.

He left her behind.

The fact that he took her back to save her life doesn't matter. He should have found a way to make it work. He managed to save Atlantis from siege during a damn hurricane for crying-out-loud!

He took her back because she convinced him to. He left her because she made him believe his presence on Atlantis wasn't merely important but necessary in the fight against the Wraith. To this day he wonders if somehow she knew what was going to happen. Given her psychic talents, John wouldn't put it past her abilities.

The dreams first started as a pleasant reminder of the short time he spent with Ashri on Luminance. Some of the most extraordinary times for him took place in those few short weeks. The memories make him happy…until he wakes up.

He's been melancholy since the day he took her back and everyone seems to have noticed, giving him a wide berth and avoiding the subject. Even with the Wraith attack on the city, the loss of friends and colleagues, the promotion to military leader (which he knows irks Caldwell to his toes), John still feels leaving Ashri alone on the lightning plagued planet was and will always be the worst mistake of his life.

After the dreams started, he became moody, and even more withdrawn. He's been short with Elizabeth since the day he took Ashri back because she practically ordered him to sacrifice his lover's life to safeguard the city from the virus; the virus that Rodney had already gotten a handle on.

He disobeyed Weir with Rodney's help, leaving Elizabeth without backup. She'd been terse with him afterward, but at the same time, she looked at him with sadness in her eyes he figured for sympathy. After a few days, she tried to put it behind them, get back to business. But John couldn't and can't let it go. He needs to blame somebody. And blaming himself hasn't been working out so well.

When he started picking fights with Teyla and Ford, however, that's when he knew he needed to see the psychologist; put his feelings into perspective and move on. The doc listened and analyzed, but in the end, she told him what he didn't want to hear.

"I'm sorry, John," she said. "I wouldn't label this as an infatuation that will fade with time as Dr. McKay said. You spent weeks getting to know this woman...very well, from what you've told me. Her ability to share thoughts and feelings with you opened you up to a new level of interpersonal understanding. You're connected to her in a way that is completely foreign and yet extremely familiar."

"So, what? I'm doomed?"

"No. But you have lost a part of yourself. You're grieving. You must allow yourself to go through that process."

"Ashri isn't dead."

"Not physically. And that could be the hardest part. You know she's out there, but you can't reach out to her. In the time you two shared, she became a part of you. And now that part is missing." She paused for a moment. "You have an incredible responsibility here, being a military leader, safeguarding the city and the people entrusted to you. But you're still human. With all the messy emotions that come along with that." John nodded. "You fell in love."

He looked at her sharply, but didn't deny it. Yeah, smart, John! Real smart.

"And that love's been ripped away by no fault of your own. It's going to take time."

He meets with her once a week, but the outcome always remains the same. He has to give himself time, and release himself from the guilt. But he can't. And the dreams continue to haunt him.

Unwilling to lay in bed and mope, John pulls on his black shirt, cargo pants and boots and heads out of his quarters. Few lights rise as he passes through the corridors toward the gate room. Occasionally, he catches a glimpse of a shadow – a soldier on night patrol – but they ignore him as he does them.

The stairs light up a sultry blue as he steps down to stand before the giant ring. He stares at it for a long time then closes his eyes and remembers one of the dreams he had while hovering near death on Luminance after being struck by lightning.

In the dream, surrounded by darkness, he stood alone in the gate room – just as he does now – wearing the remains of the tuxedo he rented for the senior prom. A delicate hand reached up to touch his shoulder from behind. He turned, seeing Ashri wearing the same dress his date wore that long ago night. Romantic music floated on the air and they started to move with it.

He remembers making fun of the situation. Remembers how strange it all felt. Strange but familiar. "You didn't go to my high school," he joked.

Her gaze held his hostage, those huge brown eyes drinking in every part of him. She placed her hand over his heart and he could see a soft golden glow emanate from her palm. Instantly, he recalls the warm, tingling feeling that followed. "Are you messing with me?" he teased.

She cocked her head and creased her brows in question, obviously not understanding what he asked.

"You know, messing with my head. Playing with my memories?"

Shocked by the accusation, Ashri shook her head 'no'.

Only later, did John realize that he had been messing with himself. Or, his mind had been taking a siesta while his body healed. He had no idea – at the time – that he wasn't truly in Atlantis, but unconscious on planet Luminance being tended to by the beautiful woman with a Wraith-like palm.

As they slowly danced, he felt even more connected to her. As though he'd always known her, but couldn't find any memories that fit. "Are you real…" He traced a finger down her cheek. "Or a dream?"

She smiled so sweetly, drawing him to her. He couldn't resist…and didn't want to. He lifted her chin and leaned in for a soft, gentle kiss which she'd accepted and returned. That's when he heard it for the first time. Those three words that now rip his heart apart on a daily basis.

Before the words float through his memory, John opens his eyes and stares at the Stargate again, heaving a sigh. His left hand covers his heart as if her hand once again lies on his chest. He can almost feel her delicate fingers beneath his.

John…

Her voice drifts into his head, unbidden and – as much as he still loves her – unwelcome, as if she's standing right next him and whispering into his ear. As hard as he tries, the memory of her melodic voice can't be suppressed.

Help me.

John jerks upright, his posture suddenly stiff and looks around. "That's new."