Choices
Elizabeth's right about Carson. The moment John mentions the signal from Ashri, Carson's whole face lights up. "I'll be dressed and ready in ten minutes," he says.
John thanks the Scot then returns to his quarters to get full gear. Carson's reaction shocked him. Not only that, but Weir knew how Carson would react. Something's been simmering under the surface between those two for over a year. He's seen it, but hasn't bothered to let it register; too haunted by his own issues.
But now that he thinks about it, there seems to be an underlying anger coming from Carson, aimed at Elizabeth. Nothing overt. More like a chilliness; a mild case of disrespect, even, which seems so unlikely. Yet he feels it. As promised, Carson hits the gate room ten minutes later, fully dressed and loaded down with a large medical bag. "Kitchen sink?"
Carson's cheeks dimple. "Didn't fit."
John signals the control room to dial the conduit planet. He notices Elizabeth standing above, arms crossed, watching. John salutes her and nods thanks again. Elizabeth dips her head slightly in return acknowledgment. John steps through the wormhole, ready for action and emerges on Luminance in full mid-day sunlight. The sky is as beautiful as he remembers. A moment later, Carson arrives with a heavy exhale. John tosses a grin over his shoulder. "You don't have to hold your breath, you know."
"Habit," Carson says. "It looks like water when ya walk into it."
John sweeps the area for any movement. Nothing. The day looks calm and the air smells clean. Not even a single sizzle of lightning to greet them. "This is weird."
"Colonel?"
John leads the way down the altar stairs and heads for the side entrance into the Ancient temple hidden within the mountain behind the Stargate. Ashri's home for a century or more was probably an outpost the Ancients used to study the civilization they'd created. Kind of like an ant farm on a grander scale. When the Ancients abandoned Atlantis, the outpost remained hidden. Ashri's parents discovered it and chose to study the temple in secret.
Ashri's mother was attacked by a Wraith while pregnant and through some crazy DNA-swapping-mutation, Ashri was imprinted with a Wraith hand…or palm actually, aside from which, the rest of her, Carson determined, to be human.
Although she uses her gifts for healing and not taking life, Ashri's father chose to raise her in the temple, out of sight of the others so they would not fear her mutation. John attributes her healing abilities to the Luminaté genes as well as that of her ancestors, the Ancients. After her people created a weapon to fight the Wraith, the life-sucking creatures chose to wipe out the civilization. Being secreted away, Ashri survived. Alone.
John touches the stone wall that hides the entrance to the temple passageway. Nothing happens.
"What are you lookin' for?" Carson asks.
"There's a spot…I can't remember-"
"To your right," a young man states.
John whips around, raising his gun on a man of about twenty, wearing a simple white robe, with hands clasped easily in front of him.
"Lord almighty son," Carson clutches his heart. "You shouldn't sneak up on people like that!"
"I apologize Dr. Beckett." Carson exchanges a look with John.
John starts. "How do you know-"
"I am Bureen, Colonel Sheppard. Your questions will be answered once we go inside." Bureen looks toward the clear skies. "Holding the lightning at bay is not a simple task."
"What?" John can't wrap his mind around this young man. Where the hell did he come from? And holding the lightning?
"Please," Bureen says, gesturing to the mountain wall. "They are waiting for you."
John reaches for the control spot and presses his palm against it. A section of mountain wall vanishes, creating an opening into a dark passageway. John motions for Carson to go inside then he follows Bureen. "You said 'they'. Others have joined Ashri?"
Bureen leads the way down the short corridor. "One other." He steps through a seemingly solid stone wall and disappears.
Carson jumps and looks over his shoulder at John. "It's okay doctor. It's a camouflage shield. You don't need to hold your breath." Carson raises his brows at John then nods and takes a step toward the stone wall with one hand outstretched and disappears beyond. John joins him a moment later.
Inside the cavern, the walls cast a pale white-blue light, energized by the remaining ZPM's in the three corners of the temple. Ashri previously shared a ZPM with Atlantis when John first brought her to the lost city, which was depleted during the Wraith attack just before the Daedalus arrived with a replacement. At the time of returning Ashri to Luminance, John was willing to give the ZPM back, but she declined. She even tried to convince him to take another, but John knew she had an intrinsic connection to the zero-point-modules that would help her heal. Somehow, she shares their power.
John had forgotten how beautiful the cavern looks in full light. The expression on Carson's face reminds him of the wonder he felt when he first saw the place. Of course, that didn't compare to the best memory of that first night: Ashri rising from the dark pond, glistening and completely naked.
John grins at that thought as he moves further into the temple. He sets his gun on the stone table and does a full 360 degree turn, everything rushes back to him. Every moment he spent here with Ashri…sitting at the table, having her throw food at him, their many sessions of shared thoughts; as well as their more intimate moments.
"This is amazing," Carson says.
John revels in the memories. "I know," he sighs.
"Please, come," Bureen says. "They are eager to see you."
John follows Bureen toward the nook. "Who's this they?" As he asks the question, he spots the answer sleeping in the crook of Ashri's left arm. John stops short, feeling his heart thudding hard against his ribs. He nearly drops from shock. Glancing back at Carson, he realizes in an instant what had come between the two doctors. He just doesn't know who betrayed him more. John gapes at him. "You knew!"
"Aye."
"And you said nothing."
Carson nods, looking deeply ashamed. "Dr. Weir felt it would be best-"
John moves right in front of Carson, into the man's personal space, keeping his voice low but lethal. "Are you telling me Elizabeth ordered you to keep quiet?"
"Aye."
John's damn close to punching his fist into one of the polished stone walls, but reigns in his fury for the sake of the sleeping child.
"I understand how you feel-"
"Don't!" Holding up a hand, John turns his back on Carson, more to keep the other man safe than to hide his emotions.
"What would you've done?" Carson asks. "Come and stayed here? If you'd done that Atlantis would very likely have fallen to the Wraith. You know as well as I do that Ashri could not have stayed with us. It would have killed her…and your child."
John whips around ready to fire both barrels, then sucks in a deep breath and glares at Carson, his friend. He understands the reasoning for keeping the information withheld, but that doesn't mean he can forgive either him or Elizabeth. He doesn't know if he ever will. Such a simple omission carries an enormous weight in trust. Elizabeth, I trusted you! John shakes his head at the thought. Never in a million years would he suspect her to be so cruel. Not only denying him the woman he loves…but their child as well? He sighs. There's just no excuse for that. "You could have told me," he tells Carson without looking at the man. "You should have."
Carson dares to take a step closer to him. "And I wanted to. But what's done is done. We have to move on from here."
Bureen steps up to Carson's side. "The doctor is correct, John. It is time to move on."
Turning away from the two men, John catches Ashri's eyes and she smiles at him with absolute joy. His heart nearly bursts at the sight of her. She's never looked so beautiful…or so weak. Even when she was sick on Atlantis, she still had an aura of vitality. Now, she simply looks…feels tired. He can sense the weariness washing through her, into him. But her smile never wavers. And happy tears fill her eyes when she gazes up at him. She's missed him more than he missed her, something he never would have believed possible, until now.
With her free hand, Ashri reaches for John. He kneels and takes her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before bringing to his lips. Ashri drops her eyes to the infant resting in her arm then smiles at John again. This is A'shon. John can't stop the wide grin that captures his face as he touches the sleeping baby's cheek with the back of his finger before catching Ashri's gaze again. You're daughter. She smiles brighter.
John gasps and turns to Bureen and Carson. The Scot has such compassion in those blue eyes, such tenderness and empathy that John can't stay mad at the guy, not right now. "I have a daughter!" he says proudly.
"Congratulations, Colonel," Carson says looking passed him to the sleeping baby. "She's quite the lass. Very beautiful."
John turns back to mother and child. "She's perfect."
Ashri clearly agrees. But a twitch of concern creases her brows. She carefully picks up the baby's right hand, gently and slowly as to not jar the infant, and turns it palm up. John sees the mark that has Ashri worried. The same mark she bares. The Wraith palm.
John caresses the baby's palm with his fingertip then does the same to Ashri's forehead, bringing relief to the worry lines. He cups her cheek then weaves his fingers into her hair, noticing for the first time, the incredible streak of pure white hair starting at her temple and trailing past her shoulder. The last time he'd seen her, the white streak had not been so prominent. He leans over the baby and kisses Ashri as he's wanted to for so long. He lingers and would have stayed with his lips locked onto hers forever if A'shon didn't choose that moment to stir and awaken.
His daughter stares at him with huge hazel eyes framed with long black lashes that match the soft curls atop her head. His eyes. She smiles – not gas – a true Sheppard smile with dimples and balls-to-the-walls charisma. Yep, that's my kid.
Ashri motions for John to take the baby, so he sits on the bed padding next to her and she passes him his daughter. Little A'shon gurgles and John coos and clicks his tongue. He's never imagined this moment. Not once has he considered becoming a father. The expedition to Pegasus had been a crap shoot at best. And yet here he sits, with the strongest, most beautiful woman and their love child.
Love child…he grins…that doesn't sound so bad.
John studies the baby, inspects the fingers and toes. A'shon takes hold of his index finger and grips it like a champ, making him chuckle with pride. John smiles at Ashri and she grins in return. From the other side of the bedding, Ashri picks up a tiny bundle of white fur with dark gray stripes and presses the kitten to her heart. Tanis. John rubs a finger behind the kittens ear and it opens two of the most beautiful blue eyes he's ever seen, they Carribean Sea blue…almost turquoise. The kitten looks like a white tiger…with as much soul.
Ashri pets the cat gingerly. Kel, my…cat, is his father. Kel wishes Tanis to watch over A'shon.
"Kel does?" She must have named the cat after he named Whooter, her owl. "Well, he's quite the handsome baby." John grins, petting the kitten again. It couldn't be more than eight weeks old, but those eyes…he's never had a cat, but he's seen enough to know they rarely lock eyes with people for long. This one doesn't seem to know that. He really is a beauty. John can see faint gray lines on his forehead like a tabby. Definitely a miniature white tiger in the making.
Protector, my love. Tanis is A'shon's…Sheba. John's eyes widen as he matches Ashri's gaze. He can feel the tears burning but refuses to let them drop. He merely nods in understanding. He glances up to see if Carson is looking, but the Scot seems deep in conversation with Bureen. Carson doesn't look happy. In fact, he looks worried. When his eyes drift over with that concern covering his face, John's heart hits his throat.
John turns to Ashri. She's leaning back against the pillows, eyes closed, fingers slowly stroking the kitten. She looks so small…so fragile. He didn't notice her shallow, labored breathing until this moment. "Ashri?" he whispers. She opens her eyes and beams at him with love and devotion. Ashri shifts on the bed so she can look over at him and the baby. With the back of her hand, she caresses A'shon's cheek, then John's. "What's wrong?" John asks.
She shakes her head and kisses him: a long, sweet tug on his lips. Then she sinks against the pillows, resting her head so she can continue watching them.
Carson comes over rather quickly. "Colonel…may I see the wee baby?"
John looks at his daughter. "She's fine."
"No, really…John, let me have the tot. For a short while."
The doctor rarely uses his first name and he takes it as a bad sign. "What's going on, Carson?"
Carson drops his eyes from John to the baby. He reaches over and pulls the child from John's grasp. "You need to spend some time with Ashri." Once he has hold of the child, Carson lifts his eyes to meet John's. "To say goodbye."
John's mouth drops open, but he can't form any words. His brain seems frozen. Then he manages a weak, "…what?" He looks at Ashri. She has tears in her eyes but still, she smiles.
John turns on the bed so he can look at her. He cups her face in his hands and the tears spill onto his thumbs. "Talk to me." She tries raising her right hand to his temple but doesn't seem to have the strength to hold it in place. The lump caught in his throat grows, threatening to choke him. He can't speak and it hurts to breathe. He's been here before.
When he brought her back to Luminance, John believed she had died. He cradled her in his arms, raging at God or whoever for taking her away…and then all of a sudden, he felt her. She called his name. For several hours afterward, they spent together, making love…saying goodbye…knowing it wouldn't be forever. Couldn't be. He would return for her. She believed it. But more importantly, he believed it.
Looking at her now, he can feel that rage returning and pushes it down deep. Tears drip from his eyes freely now. Even though he doesn't want her to feel his pain or anger, he can't pass up the opportunity to share one last intimate moment with the mother of his child…the love of his life.
John kisses her, taking the kitten from her grasp and setting him besides the bedding, then John rests his head against Ashri's chest. He can hear the soft thud of her slowing heartbeat. He places her right hand on his temple and holds it in place, seeing the familiar golden glow coming from her palm and feeling the tingle of their connection. A bright flash of light hits him in the eyes. When he blinks, he's back in gate room on Atlantis, wearing the tuxedo and holding Ashri as they slowly dance.
"Our first dance," she says, grinning at him. "I'll never forget."
"Why do I have to say goodbye?"
She touches his cheek and looks in his eyes in a way that makes him feel like an awkward teenager. Weak in the knees even. "It's time to move on."
"I don't understand."
"Something happened…with the baby. We became ill…I could not heal us both."
John gasps. "No."
"I chose life, John. Our child's life. We have a beautiful, healthy daughter. And she needs her father."
"You can come back with us. Carson will find a way…we'll fix you, I promise."
She smiles and closes her eyes. "I have had my time. Longer than most. And not all that has taken place has been my choice." She opens her eyes and catches his. "I chose you. I chose our daughter. Now…Bureen and the others are offering me a final choice."
"Bureen?"
"Have you not guessed, my love?"
John wishes he didn't know; wishes he could offer her another option. But he can't. His voice catches as the words spill out in a hot breath. "He's an Ancient."
Ashri nods. "He came to me after I healed A'shon. Knowing I would not survive to take care of our child, the others agreed this one time to help in corporeal matters and return you to me. The remainder of the journey is mine."
"You want me to take A'shon to Atlantis."
"It is her birthright. And she has not been on Luminance long enough to be affected by the lightning as I have. They have assured me of this." She rests her hand over his heart. "Remember when I showed you how my father helped me learn to heal the owl." John nods. "You must teach A'shon the same. With your guidance, I believe she will become a powerful woman. A true Atlantian."
Ashri smiles at him again and wipes the tears from his cheeks. "John…please remember our time with the same joy I do. No regrets, I beg you. Though our union had been all too brief …I truly believe it was destined to be. I may have healed your wounds. But you brought me to life. You gave me our daughter. And I will be eternally grateful."
John hugs her close, pressing his lips against her soft neck. "I don't want to let you go. Not again."
She kisses his cheek and slips from his grasp. "The choice is not yours." She kisses him on the lips one last time…a long, passionate reminder of the time they spent together. Then she backs away until not even their fingertips touch. A brilliant white light envelops her. "Be well. I love you and A'shon. Forever."
John opens his eyes and sits up in time to see Ashri's body change into a ball of white energy. He can still make out her face for a short time before she rises toward the ceiling of the cavern and out the top, forever leaving his grasp.
The cavern seems to dim around him.
A'shon starts crying.
John leaves the bed and retrieves his daughter from the doctor. He bounces her and rocks her, but nothing will stop the tears. She feels the loss of Ashri as he does. John turns to Bureen. "Why?"
Bureen steps closer to him. "Ashri spent much time contemplating enlightenment, trying to understand her place in the universe. It was only after her time with you and the birth of your child she realized her place. If one never sees the path, one may never make the choice in which direction to go."
"You're saying this is because of me!"
"No. It is because of Ashri. Who she was and always will be. A bright light in a dark place." Bureen says. He moves into the nook and retrieves a cloth bag tied with a thick golden rope and hands it over to John. "A'shon's necessities…and remembrances."
John hefts the bag over his shoulder; it weighs about the same as the baby.
"Now it is your turn to move on," Bureen says calmly. "You must leave soon. The ZPM's, were depleted by the healing and will not sustain the temple's needed power. Also, I will be unable to hold back the lightning for much longer. Return to Atlantis, quickly." John stares at the man as if he's speaking gibberish. Then Bureen begins to glow with the same alien light as Ashri. "Be well, my friends. And remember. She is not alone…and she is loved." With that, Bureen floats up through the ceiling of the temple.
Carson grabs his medical bag and waits for John to move. But he can't. He stands there with the crying baby in one arm and the bag of 'necessities' in the other, staring at the ceiling of the Ancients' temple. "Colonel. We must go." John nods. Carson motions to the baby. "Should I-"
"I've got her. Grab my gun," John says heading for the passageway. "And don't forget the cat."
Carson awkwardly picks up the P-90 from the table. "The what?"