A Happy Place

"She's perfectly healthy, Colonel," Carson says cheerfully. "Your turn."

Before lying on the exam table, John takes a quick glance at McKay and A'shon. The scientist no longer holds her at arms length, but has given in to bending his elbows. He still doesn't hold her as a normal person would. John's baby girl grabs McKay's nose and gives it a good squeeze. The man doesn't look thrilled. He grumbles. "This is the kind of thing you find amusing, is it?"

A'shon coos and blows bubbles.

"That was a redundant question," McKay says as if she actually understands him.

Given her mom, she probably does. John lays down, trying to see the humor in the situation like Carson can, but thoughts of losing Ashri keep returning, plaguing him with anger and loneliness. Yes, he has his daughter…but she doesn't know him, or seem to want him at this point.

What could he possibly have to offer a baby? John has responsibilities on and off Atlantis. His team goes on numerous off-world missions in search of ZPM's as well as allies against the Wraith. At any time, he can be wounded or killed, leaving A'shon completely alone.

The scan starts its slow progress from head to toe. John closes his eyes for a second and drifts through his memories of the past few hours. As much as he wants to relish the final moments he shared with Ashri…it hurts too much, so he pushes the images aside. He focuses on the sandy-dune planet.

The conduit has many reasons to be uninhabited, but the dust alone could drive someone insane. The sand managed to get everywhere. Luckily, John planned ahead and packed a compact tent that zipped closed. In extreme conditions, it held two grown men uncomfortably. In their case, it held two grown men and screaming baby and a crazy kitten very uncomfortably. The two hours dragged on like two days.

No wonder he feels so drained.

He can hear the hum of the scanner making its way down his body and faint murmurs of Carson explaining to McKay about Ashri, but he can also see splashes of colors and hear the crash of waves.

John turns around, finding himself on a different sandy dune with an exquisite turquoise ocean surrounding all sides of a small tropical island. Sunlight sparkles on the crystalline water as wispy white clouds surf across the bright blue sky. A gentle breeze ruffles his hair as slim fingers slip into his hand, linking fingers with his.

He lifts her hand to his lips and kisses her palm. She smells of a sublime mixture of cinnamon and honey. "I don't think I can do this," he sighs, feeling the tears rising and too tired to stop them.

Together, they look out at the water.

"You will," she says softly. "You must."

"She needs you."

"And she will have me…through you, John. You must remember us…as we were not as we are." She leans her head against his shoulder, making his heart beat faster.

"I found this place inside you." She turns, taking his other hand in her free one and faces him. Glowing in the sunlight, her long black hair, without a hint of white, flows free on the breeze, her beautiful eyes search him, seeing everything inside him…accepting him. "Very serene. Calming."

Ashri looks over her shoulder, the sky darkens and the clouds roll, shifting into giant thunderheads as the breeze turns harsh and hot. Lightning zaps the sky and boils the ocean. She turns back to him, capturing his eyes with hers again. "This is what it has become."

"I don't understand."

"She feels-" Ashri motions to the malevolent turmoil surrounding them. "-this."

John opens his eyes. The scanner has barely made it to his waist. Only moments have passed, but it feels longer. He hasn't been this awake in days.

A few minutes later, Carson gives him the all clear and he gets off the table. McKay still holds A'shon, with her feet dangling in the air, but no worse for wear. She seems to be enjoying herself, continually gripping and releasing the man's nose or poking at his eyes with her tiny fingers.

Before McKay can return the baby, John holds up a hand and stops him. "What? No," McKay whins. "I have things to do…important calculations and data interpretations and…anything else that doesn't involve a baby."

"Just give me a moment, Rodney. I'm trying to figure out why she cries when I hold her."

"You need a shower? Cause…well, lets face it…you could use one."

"Rodney," Carson says. "Stop being an ass." Carson glances at John. "Sorry Colonel, didn't mean to curse in front of the lass."

John waves a hand. "Please. She's already smart enough to know he's an ass." He turns back to McKay. "She feels what I feel."

"You mean…you have the same emotional maturity of an infant? It's so big of you to admit something so terribly embarrassing."

"McKay."

"Really, Sheppard. I'm flabbergasted that you could come to terms with your-"

John narrows his gaze on the other man. "Don't make me shoot you."

McKay gapes at him. "You wouldn't."

Carson snickers. "Not while you're holding the baby. But we could remedy that, quite easily."

John sighs. "What are you thinking about right now?"

"Aside from possibly getting shot?"

"Yeah. Aside from that."

"Well, I was actually thinking about what I had for breakfast. It was quite tasty even in its blandness. I like to think that-"

John holds up a hand. "I should have known." He glances at Carson. "Had to be about food."

"What's that got to do with anything?" McKay asks.

"Let's just say your emotions might go so far as a deep dish pizza."

McKay glares at him. "Ahh ha ha ha…I'm so shallow…and yet…the baby likes me. Me, not you."

"So I've noticed."

A bulb seems to spark behind McKay's eyes and they pop wide open. "Oh…you need to find your happy place." McKay nods and hands over the baby. "You go do that. I'll get back to work."

John rests his daughter against his chest, trying to keep his emotions in check. Unfortunately, the baby is more in tune with her father's subconscious that he is. She starts crying and squirming the moment he takes hold of her.

Before disappearing around the corner, McKay looks back at them. "Sheppard…I'm sorry about Ashri." He seems about to leave again, then adds: "I remember the first time I saw her. A surreal vision…and as it pains me to admit…no woman has ever looked at me the way she looked at you. Pure, undiluted devotion." He glances at the baby then catches John's gaze. "And you had the same look for her." McKay steps out of sight.

The images come to his mind instantly: walking through the Stargate with Ashri's hand in his, her wonderment of the city, how proud he was to introduce her to Elizabeth – even though their handshake didn't go off without a hitch of static electricity.

A'shon stares up at him with those big hazel eyes. She stops crying. He fingers her thick black hair and pictures the times he combed Ashri's long tresses. He found his 'happy place' as McKay calls it. Just his luck, McKay had been the one to show him the way. I'll never live that down.