Unforgiveable
Elizabeth uses the touch pad and scrolls down the computer screen. She's been searching the database for hours now, but still hasn't come across anything remotely useful. How could the Ancients have survived for millions of years without increasing the population? They had to have at some point. Didn't they?
A baby in Atlantis!
That's one actuality that never occurred to Elizabeth before coming on the expedition. Well, that and life-sucking alien vampires. As expedition leader, she should have foreseen the possibility, given that everyone on the expedition has been screened and determined to be normal, healthy adults. She should have planned for it in some way; possibly even brought supplies for the contingency.
It's not right, bringing a child into this mess.
Elizabeth presses the heel of her palms into her weary eyes. Nothing in this place feels right anymore. Not since John returned with Ashri from Luminance have things been right. Not that Elizabeth blames the other woman: may she rest peacefully on her higher plain of existence. She doesn't blame John either. She blames the circumstances. If Ashri had been able to stay on Atlantis, there wouldn't have been any need for secrecy. John would have been here to welcome his child. They all would have. There wouldn't have been any strain on her relationships with any of them.
Still, if John did know…he might have stayed away; given it all up for the family he didn't have waiting for him on Earth.
No! Col. Sheppard's an honorable man. He would have done the right thing. She should have trusted him. But she hadn't and that's what keeps eating her alive, day and night.
She needs some sleep. It's been a long time since she's had a full night. Not since before the Wraith tried to take hold of the city. Even after they fought the deadly creatures off by managing to create the illusion that Atlantis had been purposely destroyed, Elizabeth can't let herself go and drop off into the endless realm she so desperately needs.
She fears the dreams. They were pleasant at first, but lately, they are cold, dark and frightening. She dreams of losing the rest of her team. She lost so many during the Wraith battle. Lost the all in another timeline, and that thought plagues her. She fears losing them more now than ever before. She cares for them more than she thought she would or could. It's the quiet that's going to destroy her. The every day challenges, accidents…possible re-exposure to the Wraith on routine missions.
For the longest time, Simon had been her family, her life outside of work. Now her family and work has combined, become an intricate part of each other. Her older self lived the loss of everyone and as she told them of her experience, Elizabeth felt it. Really felt it, as if it was happening at that moment.
Twice now, she's lived with losing John. And both hurt her more than she wants to admit. He makes her feel safe. And when she believed him lost that first time, when Rodney told her he'd been struck by lightning on Luminance – and they couldn't return for him – it had been a physical blow.
The second time she heard of his death, he was sitting across from her at the conference table, listening along with her. The images in her mind were so powerful, so fresh…as her time-traveling older self shared the story of the expedition's disastrous end.
Elizabeth doesn't understand how or when it happened, but in the short time she's known John Sheppard, she's grown tremendously attached to him. Not romantically – Simon still holds her heart – but she counts on John more than anyone else; even more than Rodney. He tells her the truth, pushes her to extremes, and makes her think outside the box. He shows her a part of herself she tries to deny… sometimes a dangerous part.
And he's saved all their lives on numerous occasions, risking himself in the process. He truly is a hero for the ages, and as tragically poetic as that sounds, Elizabeth believes it.
He is the one person she can turn to in a crisis…and she's made him turn away. Elizabeth feels as if a part of her has been severed. She'll have to find a way to fix the damage she's caused.
Over the past year and a half, that fateful moment has played out in her head over and over.
She grabbed the report out of Carson's hands so fast, she gave him a paper cut. After reading it, she debated with herself for several minutes…but her head screamed at her what had to be done. In the moment she gave Carson the order, it was like she became two people. Her heart leapt with joy for John, but her head ordered control. It summoned all her strength and forced her to say the words. "Don't tell him."
"But, Dr. Weir…?" The horrified look on Carson's face should have been enough to rescind the order.
But her mind shouted: No! John cannot know about this. He'd make the wrong decision. He'd leave Atlantis to do what he feels is right. It would be wrong for him…for all of them. Do not tell him…that's an order! "Carson. It's privileged," Elizabeth said. "I'm ordering you to keep it that way."
Carson's eyes widened. He looked desperately unhappy, but agreed to follow orders; though that became a wedge between them, one that still hasn't been removed. The wedge only deepened when John took it upon himself to deliver a nuclear bomb to one of the Wraith hive ships in orbit around Atlantis. Carson looked at her with the same betrayal. He knew she let John fly away without ever knowing the truth…that he had someone else to live for.
Several months back, Rodney came to her with the news that he had determined a way for John to check on Ashri by using a conduit planet. Elizabeth stopped him mid-sentence and ordered him not to speak of it further. The adamant refusal to even listen had been so unlike her, but once again the thought came into her head: John cannot know.
And so, she remained quiet, and forced others to do the same. Rodney was perturbed simply because he couldn't convince her that his theory had merit, not so much because John wouldn't be able to travel to Luminance. Rodney merely wanted to prove himself correct, scientifically speaking, as usual.
It's possible John will never forgive her. Not that she can blame him. She can't even comprehend her reasoning for keeping the truth from him this long. She could have told him after the city was spared, but she didn't. He lost so much time with his own child. Not to mention Ashri.
Elizabeth saw the pain behind the anger in his eyes when he returned with the baby, having lost Ashri a second and final time. She wants so desperately to console him, be his friend, but the betrayal has cut him too deeply.
A year and a half ago, Elizabeth witnessed his love for Ashri the moment he introduced the woman with the Wraith-like palm. The two strangers spent weeks trapped together on Luminance, sharing everything, literally. Perhaps to the point of becoming one person. Ashri had saved his life, almost giving up hers to do so. And John instantly knew when she needed help…physically knew, and rushed across the city to her side.
When Elizabeth read his mission report, powerful emotions came across with every word. He was so protective of her and written so eloquently about her, Elizabeth wondered if John had ever been in love before. It made her a bit jealous of the beautiful alien woman. Not entirely because she had a rival for John's attention, but also because his adoration and devotion reminded Elizabeth of what she lost – gave up – when she decided to leave Simon for Atlantis.
And now John has a baby: a little girl; a bright, shining star in this darkening galaxy. Elizabeth never gave a thought to maternal instincts or a ticking clock. Her work has always been her baby. Now this expedition is basically her growing child. But A'shon's arrival makes everything so different. More difficult.
Scarier.
John has already shown his emotions sometimes rule his judgment. He'll go off on a gut instinct and do whatever needs to be done – to hell with orders. Usually the instinct serves him well, but what if…
What if A'shon can connect with him telepathically as Ashri had? What if, as a child, she can't control her abilities and can send him frantic, urgent messages that interrupt his dangerous work, or worse yet, make him overly cautious to the point of ineffectiveness?
What if this little girl becomes more attached to Rodney than to her own father? That would devastate John…possibly irrevocably.
So many things race through Elizabeth's mind. So many disastrous outcomes, her head starts to pound. Focus!
There's a baby in Atlantis. A new generation. Possibly with the same inherent abilities as her mother. This little girl is a treasure and should be raised as such. She'll be raised by a community; a gigantic, diverse family of Earthlings and Athosians. And someday…
Maybe A'shon will forgive me.