No Place Like Home

"I'm not very comfortable with this, Teyla," Elizabeth says. She leans back in her chair and watches the other woman. "You must know that keeping secrets from Col. Sheppard isn't the best move. He tends to find out."

"What he doesn't know will not hurt him. I am sure I have heard that expression from many of your people while I have been on Atlantis. Sometimes information can be…unimportant."

Elizabeth sighs. "Or life altering." She takes a deep breath and holds it. "You realize what kind of position you're putting me in? Given the recent events…"

"I do. And I apologize. But it is for a good reason." Teyla leans forward in her own chair, resting her forearms on the desk. "I realize how much you regret withholding the information about Ashri's pregnancy from him. I see how you struggle with that decision every day. And I refuse to judge you. It is not my place. Being a leader, you had to choose how best to care for your entire people, not just one person."

"Would you have done the same?" Elizabeth debated on whether or not to ask the Athosian woman her opinion. She chose to take the risk and live with the answer.

Teyla leans back and thinks on that a moment. "No. I do not believe I would have. But my decision would not have been based on anything other than my own upbringing. One far different than yours. Family is all and must stay together." She looks Elizabeth in the eyes. "It would have been the wrong choice."

"You think so?"

"I do. Col. Sheppard's place was and is on Atlantis with the rest of the team. He was absolutely necessary in saving the city from the Wraith and I believe he knows this to be true."

Elizabeth nods. She's been telling herself that for months. Even hearing it from Teyla, though, doesn't take the stain from her heart. Elizabeth's head and her heart might never come to terms with what she did; what her silence cost John.

Teyla seems to understand where Elizabeth is coming from and says: "Let me handle this situation. The responsibility will be mine alone."

Elizabeth temples her fingers under her chin and after a moment, nods. "Okay. But if he does ask me…I won't withhold. Not again."

Teyla smiles as she stands. "I understand."

John stares at his food, pushing it around his plate with a fork. It isn't bad – not great either – but not bad. He just doesn't feel like eating, or drinking…or talking. He had another session with Dr. Heightmeyer, talking about his feelings and how he's sleeping.

He mentioned how his days seem to blend into each other with nothing really happening. She asked about the new quarters and he admitted the move has perked him up a bit. He told her about feeling Ashri the first time he entered the front room. The honey and cinnamon scent. Like a good psychiatrist, she listened and managed not to make him feel crazy.

But, Dr. Heightmeyer said something that irked him to the core and he nearly jumped down her throat. She suggested that the reason his anger against Dr. Weir hasn't abated is because deep down, he agrees with her decision. John only glared at the good doctor, but inside he'd been screaming like a banshee. He can't stomach that thought. No way does he believe Elizabeth was right in keeping Ashri and his daughter from him. No way!

John gets up from the cafeteria table, leaving his uneaten lunch behind and heads into the city for a walkabout. With any luck, he won't run into a single person who wants to chat and he can simply sulk like any grown man.

He can hear the city hum with life as he moves through the empty corridors. Ever since he arrived in Atlantis, he's felt a connection to the place, like he'd been born to come here. Not that his coming hadn't screwed up the galaxy royally. He awoke the Wraith and in doing so caused the deaths of millions of people – and more to come.

Elizabeth tried to warn him that very day. Tried to tell him that going off on a rescue mission could lead to even worse problems. He refused to listen. He trusted his gut and went for it. She'd been right. She'd been right about a lot of things. But she wasn't right in this case. There's just no way. John shakes his head trying to dislodge Dr. Heightmeyer's words continually ringing inside over and over.

"You can't imagine getting away with it," Carson says in that heavy Scottish accent. John can't see the doctor until he rounds the corner. Then he sees who Carson is speaking too: Teyla.

"It's the only way, doctor. We cannot let this opportunity-"

Carson looks John's way and touches Teyla's hand as discreetly as possible, but John still sees it. "Colonel, out for a stroll are you?"

"Looks like. What's up with you two?"

Teyla smiles at John, but her eyes don't light up as usual. "It is nothing. A minor disagreement."

"I think not, lass." Carson crosses his arms. "I'm holding my ground on this one. You can't expect me to stand by and let you get away with this."

Teyla turns her gaze toward Carson and John can swear he sees daggers shooting from her eyes.

"What's the problem? Teyla?"

Carson steps away from the Athosian woman. "She's mad, Colonel. I simply can't stomach the idea of doing that to a healthy baby."

"Dr. Beckett!" Teyla growls.

John glances between them. "What's going on here? What are you talking about?"

Carson looks over his shoulder back at Teyla. "She wants to pierce A'shon's ears." Teyla's brows nearly pop off her forehead and her eyes bug out.

"You want to what?" John can't believe his ears.

Teyla makes a face at Carson then sets her mouth in a tight line. "It was supposed to be a surprise."

John shakes his head, trying to keep the situation as light as possible. "Teyla…"

She steps over to him, her smile beseeching understanding. "It is an Athosian tradition, Colonel. All first born to a new lineage are bejeweled-"

"Wait. What?" John smiles politely. "No. Thank you, Teyla…for wanting to include A'shon in your tradition…but I don't think it is a necessary…I just don't think it's necessary."

Teyla sighs. "I see." She drops her gaze to the floor, but John catches a slight smiles before she bites her bottom lip and it vanishes. "Very well." She looks at Carson again. "Thank you, Dr. Beckett."

"You're very welcome," he retorts with a bit of attitude and smug grin. As soon as Teyla leaves them alone, Carson sighs and nods to John. "Nice to see you, Colonel. I need to get back to the lab." Carson turns-tail and hustles in the opposite direction toward the infirmary.

John raises his brows. Huh. Was that a dismissal? With a quick shake of his head, he continues down the corridor to the nearest transporter. Maybe a different level will give him the silence he seeks.

Ford looks over Dr. Zelenka's shoulder and sighs heavily. Zelenka stops working on the computer. He can't concentrate with people standing too close to him, especially uppity young military men who think they can kick his butt. Zelenka hides a secret smile. He took Judo in college. "If you think you can do this any better, Lieutenant, I suggest you take over."

"Dr. Weir wants us both to work on it. Don't get all huffy, doc, I just think your dimensions are off, that's all."

"And you know this because?"

"I've spent some time with tech specs. As a kid I used to build model cars."

"This is a bit different."

"Not by much. Look there, that plank should be at least a yard and a half."

"No, that's too big. One yard is plenty."

Ford huffs. "Maybe I should do it myself."

Zelenka throws up his hands. "Be my guest. It's not like I know anything about three dimensional manipulation, geometry or physics."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Zelenka turns and stares blankly at the young man. "Are you sure you went to college?"

Starlight slowly fills the darkening sky as John stands on the balcony of his and A'shon's new quarters, basking in the fresh ocean air and watching the waves lap against the city hundreds of feet below. This isn't simply their new apartment…this is home.

His walk around the city led him straight here. Looking over the sparkling vista, John finds some peace…and definitely quiet.

Something's up in the city; people arguing over little things. And he always seems to be interrupting conversations, like nobody wants him around. Not a problem, he doesn't really want to be around right now – too many things plaguing his thoughts, especially that last session with Heightmeyer.

John finds solace in his new view. The moment Teyla showed him this place, he knew it was right. The giant apartment with its coral colored walls, floor to ceiling windows – the side ones made of gorgeous stained glass – and spectacular view would have sold him, but the scent wafting in the air when he stepped through the door made the deal solid. He felt her immediately. He smelled her. She brought him home at last.

Ashri had been here, waiting for him. As he entered, she passed by as gentle as the sea breeze does now. He can't prove it, and Teyla only mentioned the scent, but John knew. He just knew. Cinnamon and honey, he'll never forget that combination.

Though the natural soaps and oils Ashri created from the plant life on Luminance didn't have the same names, John recognized them. And he finally realizes what Rodney had been prattling on about. Most worlds that can sustain human life evolve within the same relative parameters, though Luminance had been slightly different. Which means most of the plants and animals on Earth can theoretically be found on any number of planets in the Pegasus Galaxy. And without humans to over-populate or destroy habitats, those natural resources should be in enormous supply.

Just like the T-Rex on that one planet. With no asteroid to wipe out the dinosaurs on Earth, mankind would never have evolved and moved to the top of the food chain.

Tanis is a different matter, however. There's something about that furball. John can't quite place it, but that cat makes him feel…odd. Like he's being watched, judged even. And the fact that he never sees the kitten anywhere outside of A'shon's presence just reminds him of Ashri's words. "Tanis is A'shon's Sheba." Unconditional love. That's all anyone can want for their children. It's what Ashri wants for her daughter.

Their living quarters had been beyond cramped; hence the change in space. And without provisions for babies like cribs and stuff, or a litter box for a cat, John and his team had to think creatively – as in, one of the large crates that once housed dry food goods now functions as a playpen-crib. And a smaller solid crate with no holes and some shredded paper makes a good old smelly cat box. John keeps that in the bathroom.

In the crib, they stuffed pillows and blankets, creating a mattress and shoved the thing between his bed and the wall. It's tall enough and fits snugly in the space that should his burgeoning genius figure out how to stand and climb within the same time span, she'll have to crawl over daddy to get anywhere. John can even reach down into it in the middle of the night and rub her belly, making sure A'shon sleeps peacefully on her back; and reassure himself that she is still there.

Over the past couple of weeks, John's managed to get into a daily routine with his little girl, and even managed to get some quality nap time out of the deal. Weir put him on family leave for the duration…though he is itching to get back to work. Nothing drives his emotions deeper to ground than being in life threatening situations…or job required adventures as he prefers to think of them.

Not that A'shon is bothered to be away from him. She seems perfectly content to hang out with any other adults; especially Rodney. Who'd have guessed that one? John winces at the thought. He doesn't want to begrudge Rodney's ability to connect with the baby, but it still stings. His little girl and he can barely hold her.

He's lost people before and grieved for them then put the feelings aside, somewhere deep enough that they can't reach out and take hold of him when he needs to be strong. He did that with Sheba and he's doing it with Ashri. Unfortunately, his little girl can find those secret hiding places with as much ease as John found using the Ancient technology back in Antarctica; it simply happens without trying. And those feelings hurt her deeply.

John hates himself for not being stronger. Not having the power to keep his emotions in check for the sake of his daughter. He has to find a way. Whenever he comes in close contact with her, he looks into her beautiful eyes, revels in her smile and the dark hair she inherited from her mother. He also thinks of the time he spent with Ashri, remembering what it felt like to share himself with her, to feel her inside his head and how easily it had been to fall in love with her. But as much as he tries to keep them alive, those memories are fading. And the ones replacing them are filled with anger, betrayal and the pain of losing her.

Dr. Heightmeyer told him he can't push his feelings aside and expect to heal. But that's exactly what he has to do if he wants to protect his baby girl.

John wraps his fingers around the railing and squeezes while leaning heavily on his arms until his muscles tighten to the point of popping. He shuts his eyes tight and breathes through his nose. What am I going to do?

"Love her, John."

John opens his eyes and spins around. No one has joined him. Taking a step away from the railing, his presence propels the sliding doors to open into the living area. No one waits inside.

"Ashri?" No answer. He stands in place and looks around the large front room, taking it in again – and trying to get his mind off of hearing voices – few pieces of furniture decorated the place: a coffee table of sorts, a couple sofas and chairs and a book shelf; same with the bedrooms, very Spartan, but comfortably so. John doesn't have many possessions, but with a growing child, he figures the place will be cluttered to destruction soon enough.

A two-toned jingle pulls his attention. "Yeah?" The front door slides open and Rodney comes inside carrying John's precious cargo. "There's dada," Rodney says, ready to hand over the baby. It's taken a while, but the scientist finally gave in to the correct way of carrying a child. A'shon rides on Rodney's hip, his arm around her back. He bounces her as they walk.

John reaches for A'shon and she comes to him without hesitation. He thinks he sees a smile too. He holds her the same way Rodney did so she can see both of them and not have to stare at the wall over John's shoulder. John wrinkles his brows. "Where's Tanis?"

Rodney shakes his head. "You're not going to believe this." He turns around and John sees the tiny kitten clinging to the bag of his jacket. All four claws are securely stuck in the material and the cat seems perfectly content to be perched like that.

"You're right. That's a see for yourself kind of thing, all right." John gently grips the cat by the fur at the base of his neck. The kitten immediately releases his hold on Rodney's jacket and mews. John settles him on the opposite shoulder so A'shon can see him. Her eyes sparkle and she coos the minute the kitten is in sight.

"We three had a couple of adventures, didn't we?" Rodney says, tickling A'shon's cheek. "We had lunch and took a ride on the transporter." To John, he adds: "Seems these two and I have the same kind of tastes, though theirs are more of the processed soupy kind."

"Oh yeah? Just wait until you're old and gray, A'shon will be saying something similar about you." He sniffs the baby's soft hair. "You smell nice. Did you get a bath too?"

Rodney crosses his arms and wrinkles his brow. "I don't ever plan on being that old. I'm sure I'll discover some hidden ancient secret on longevity and outlive everyone here."

"Fountain of youth?"

"Something like that." Rodney cocks his head. "Should I come across this bounty, I'd be more than willing to share, of course."

"Of course."

"For the right price."

John narrows his gaze and A'shon turns her head and giggles into his ear. "McKay?"

"I want out of diaper duty."

A'shon turns back to look at Rodney. "Yahayayaya," she says. It sounds ridiculously happy to John so he takes it as such. She's making fun of him. Like father like daughter.

John sighs and supplies Rodney with his beseeching puppy eyes. "But she likes you so much. And you're so good at it."

Rodney holds up his hands. "These are important instruments to the survival of this city. I cannot have them…contaminated with that…stuff. Ever again."

A'shon blows air between her lips. Rodney glares – playfully, John hopes – at the baby. "Was that a raspberry, little lady? I thought we discussed-"

"McKay?" Rodney pulls his eyes from the baby and John continues: "Where's the bag?"

Rodney tosses a thumb over his shoulder. "I left that in the infirmary. Carson got some more of that Athosian material and he and some of the nurses are busily sewing new diapers and stuffing them into it. The same diapers I no longer want to change."

"I get it. But you did say she just ate."

"Yes."

"So…she's going to be needing a change."

"You want me to go get the bag?"

"Could you?"

"Well, sure, it's only a transporter ride away. Very convenient finding this place so close to one." Rodney looks passed John and out the windows, then his eyes travel over the entire front room. "Wow! I didn't even notice the view." He steps to the right and the first bedroom door opens and he pokes his head inside. "Are you sure this is the right place for you?" He looks inside the second room next door. "I mean-" He pops his head back out and looks at John. "I'm certain there are other rooms available that would be better suited to-"

"Rodney?"

"Yeah?"

"The bag."

"Oh, right. I'll be right back."

"Dr. Beckett," Sergeant Stackhouse calls, his voice rather urgent.

Carson sets his work aside and shuffles over to the infirmary bed. The young man certainly seems out of his element. Poor kid's been shoved this way and that since coming to Atlantis, probably had no idea he'd be pressed into service like this. Carson examines the military man's work. "There now, you're doin' fine lad."

"I don't think so, doctor. I'm not that deft with a needle and thread, especially a needle this small."

"It's just stitches, not major surgery." Carson checks the gaping hole. "You've got some insides escaping out at the bottom, keep it packed tight."

Stackhouse groans. He grabs some sterile cotton pads and gently pushes them into the hole. "Don't know how you talked me into this." He knots another stitch.

"I don't want the skin to pucker."

Stackhouse wipes his brow with the sleeve of his jacket. "Why don't you have a nurse doing this?"

"We're all busy, son. We're down to the wire and I'm running short on staff. Please continue." He smiles slyly. "You wouldn't want your patient to get mad, would you?" Stackhouse rolls his eyes. "Hold that. Try to keep pressure here" – Carson points at one end of the open area – "and here. Press the edges together. He'll be just fine."

"If you say so."

Carson grins. "I do. Now, get back to it, we don't have much time left."

John hears voices in the hallway outside his apartment and opens the door, seeing McKay and Teyla coming his way. McKay doesn't look thrilled. "I don't think you comprehend the delicate nature of – oh, Sheppard."

"McKay." John looks to Teyla, she seems a bit exasperated. "Teyla?"

"Good evening, Colonel."

"Teyla, how many times do I have to tell you, call me John when we're off duty?"

"I apologize. John." Teyla looks around him. "Where is the little one?"

"In her crib, waiting for Uncle Rodney to return with supplies." Rodney offers the bag to John, but he waves the scientist off. "A'shon's really looking forward to seeing her Uncle Rodney again."

McKay drops his arm and glares at John. "I thought we discussed this."

"Yes, we did." John raises his brows. "I've decided I don't want to live forever." He motions into the apartment. "Have fun."

"I'm gonna get you for this," McKay grumbles.

John watches Rodney go inside. "And my little dog too?" When he looks back at Teyla, she has that familiar bemused-confused look she often gets when John and Rodney bicker.

"What is a dog?"

"It's a furry animal that barks and wags its tail…chases Frisbees." She doesn't look any less confused. "Earth people keep them as pets."

"And you brought this creature with you?"

John smiles. "I wish. Just another movie reference for McKay's sake."

"I see."

"Would you like to come in and see the baby?"

"Actually, I need your assistance. Could you fly me over to the mainland tomorrow? I need to speak with Halling."

John narrows his eyes. "Me? Couldn't Carson or McKay?"

"Dr. McKay…was not very open to the idea. And I have previously flown with Dr. Beckett on several occasions." She smiles politely. "If it would not be too much of an inconvenience, I would truly appreciate placing my life in more…experienced hands."

John nods, mentally adding an exaggerated: ahhhhh. "Sure. No trouble."

"Sheppard!" Mckay hollers.

John hooks a thumb over his shoulder. "I should probably see what's eating away at McKay's hands."

"I will see you tomorrow then?"

"Absolutely."

"Thank you Col…John. And good night."

"Good night, Teyla." John watches as she heads toward the transporter then goes back inside only to hear McKay howl.

"Ahhh! Gross!"

John smiles and closes the door.