Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 2: A gay time-streamer and a Reaver convergence.

Me: I'm glad to see that pt.1 was a success.

Raziel: How long is this one gonna be?

Me: probably twice as long as the first.

Raziel: NOOO!

Me: *Mocking* YEESSS!

Raziel: AH I'm gonna go get something to eat.

(He walks off.)

Me: I'm also glad to see you all love the Morph-blade. Here. Let me show a demonstration of its true power.

(I remove the hilt from my the little slot attached to my belt and concentrate, a giant axe blade sprouts forth and then I swing it at long line of statues, all of them shatter in a matter of moments.)

Kain: DAMN!

Me: Exactly.

(The shattered remains blow away in the wind.)

Me: Well that's enough time wasted, let's get this parody started.

************************************************************** *************************

(We see Raziel and Moebius in the time streaming chamber, Raziel glares at Moebius.)

Moebius: "Where Am I?" is the cliché question. In your sorry ass case, "When?" might be more apt.

(Raziel then remember how much of a jackass Moebius is and raises the Reaver, ready to strike the old manipulator. Just as he is about to do so, the orb on Moebius' staff flares and the wraith blade sputters out and retracts.)

Raziel: Ah dammit, I just changed the light bulb last week.

Moebius: Uh actually, I think it was my staff, Raziel.

Raziel: Oh uh, fine you old snake - if you prefer I kick your ass with my bare hands.

(He lunges at Moebius and grabs him by his throat, Moebius tries to act surprised.)

Moebius: This is completely unexpected! This orb is used to beat the crap out of our vampire and Carebear enemies while it also disables them. Apparently it seems to have the same affect on that particular weapon of yours. But you must believe me - I mean you no harm.

Raziel: You can drop the bull plop façade, Moebius. I know who - and what - you are. I should kill you where you stand.

(Moebius chuckles at this; he is now stern and no longer fearful.)

Moebius: Perhaps you should, my Smurf. But you don't.

(Raziel tightens his grip on Moebius' throat.)

Raziel: Are you so certain of that, Jackass?

(Moebius seems unafraid by this threat.)

Moebius: My role as lawyer and time guardian affords me free meals at Burger King and a certain level of Omniscience, Raziel. No, you don't kill me. That honor belongs to your maker, Kain, some thirty years from now.

(Raziel releases his grip, with disgust.)

Raziel: Hmph. You two are a pair - You're as much an ass as he is.

Moebius: *Laughing softly* Death comes for us all, Raziel, and there's noting you can do about it! XD

Raziel: Whatever.

(Moebius then turns and exits the chamber, Raziel follows.)

Raziel: How the hell do you know my name? We've never met.

Moebius: On the contrary, Raziel - I know you very well. And it amuses uh I mean grieves me to see how cruelly Kain has used you, dressing you up as a Girl Scout when you nine. I knew you when you were one of the Sarafan Brotherhood, Raziel. We were even close.

Raziel: O.o Again I say. Hello Gaymoe.

Moebius: Fortunately, you need not love me now to be my ally.

Raziel: That'll be a snowballs chance in hell.

(He follows Moebius into the main chamber, the walls show murals of the six Guardian members who were slaughtered centuries ago. The Guardians are depicted in a beatific imagery, while their murderer, Vorador, is demonic. In the center is a basin, engraved with arcane symbols.)

Raziel: Are we in the stronghold of the Sarafan priesthood?

Moebius: No, we're in the twilight zone.

Raziel: Don't make me kill you.

Moebius: I mean yes we are, but the days of glory are gone, the Bowling trophy has been lost and the tournament has long since past, I'm afraid this is a more. boring age. My mercenary army now inhabits this place, besides the rent fee is so cheap. We strive to honor the memory of the Sarafan, and one-day reclaim the CUP! Oh and uh continue the crusade and crap like that.

(Raziel studies the murals, intrigued.)

Raziel: Who's this?

Moebius: Vorador duh!

Raziel: No this!

(He points to some thing written in black in the corner of one the pictures depicting Vorador and a Guardian, it reads: EL BARTO.)

Moebius: O.o Dammit, I told Jerry to make sure the door was locked last night.

Raziel: Ahem. Vorador.

Moebius: Oh yeah, Yes the scourge of the circle, the most evil and terrible of his whole degenerate race.

Vorador: *From the ceiling* Don't forget Handsome too!

Moebius and Raziel: O.o

(Vorador vanishes.)

Moebius: OK, anyway, he slaughtered six of my fellow members as they coward, defenseless in this room.

Raziel: And somehow you survived this massacre?

Moebius: HEY! I said Ariel; Nuraptor and me were out for a poker game.

Raziel: Yeah sure.

Moebius: Oh shut-up.

Raziel: Can skip ahead a little?

Moebius: Fine.

(He flips a switch on the side of the basin, the water stirs and an image forms it then fizzles a little.)

Moebius: Damn cheap Prime-basins! The Water-view sucks! I knew I should have upgraded to Direct Portal when I got the call offer.

(He kicks the thing several times until the image focuses and Kain is seen, steering like an idiot at the Pillars.)

Raziel: The Pillars are still standing?

(During the conversation, we see Kain pull out jump rope and starts to play.)

Moebius: Yep, at least for thirty more years, they are the embodiment of the world's health and junk like that. Kain is the one on which that may change or not. I believe you have been to the wasteland he made. Kain's very existence is a cancer upon this world, kill him go to him and end this.

(The image wavers out, but not before we see Kain strangling a vampire hunter with the nylon rope and laughing insanely.)

Moebius: PIECE OF CRAP! Oh well, you may never be human again-blah-blah-blah, you know that crap already. You'll need to find a way out, and in that, I can not help you, my men will not understand you appearance here, they will try to kill you. But you're too strong and stuff, just try to keep the body count down to a minimal, but - do what you have to do.

All great movements require a few martyrs.

(He vanishes, leaving Raziel to explore freely.)

Raziel V.O: Alone now, I surveyed the place and noticed how cool looking it was, just as great as the first games world. I noticed a second Time Streaming Chamber, it's entrance identical to the first, except It had a huge-ass crystal hanging above it that could only be open by some ability the reaver can posses, odd. Well time to go exploring and killing.

(He makes an exit; he soon encounters a Vampire hunter.)

Vampire hunter: To arms the unholy ones approach!

(Raziel stops several feet from the hunter.)

Hunter: The scourge is upon us!

Raziel: Then I won't come any closer.

Hunter: Back to hell with you!

Raziel: Sorry I was just there on vacation a month ago.

Hunter: Really? What's it like?

Raziel: I'll show.

Hunter: Thanks, I al-

(Is cut off as Raziel impales him. He then devours the hunter's soul.)

Raziel: Hmm. Kinda tangy.

(He continues on, killing loads of humans who were in the area and soon enters a corridor with large stained glass windows.)

Raziel V.O: Throughout the stronghold I discovered evidence of my former nobility and my life as a Sarafan priest/Redsocks fan and a few incriminating photos of Moebius that I could use later if that gag makes another move. This was the heritage so foully stolen from me when Kain raided my sacred crypt and defiled me.

(He then enters the main hall; the reaver begins to slowly return.)

Raziel V.O: Away from the influence of that Homo's cursed staff, I could feel the strength of the Soul Reaver slowly returning. If that orb was a debilitating to Vampires and Carebears as it was to the blade, it meant I was really screwed. I finally knew why his crusade was successful, if he could immobilize his enemies, they were at his mercy. But why, I wondered, did the staff have any effect on the Reaver?

(He then fights some more jackass hunters and soon makes it to the Choir area, where William's chapel lay.)

Raziel V.O: As I neared the stronghold's inner sanctum, a strange sensation crept over me - a voice told me to sing Folk songs and dress like a woman, I resisted and soon regained control, then an odd sense of vertigo over came me as reality itself seemed to be drunk off it's ass. The disturbance came from the furthest chapel. As I neared it, the weird breathy sensation became faster and greater.

(He enters the barred chapel and sees a stained glass window depicting King William the Just and Kain's battle, Raziel stares in confusion as the depiction of Kain strolls over to William and gives him a nuggy. Raziel then sees at the sarcophagus of William.)

Raziel V.O: So this was the tomb of the beloved King William the Just - entombed in a coffin with his image on it, immortalized as the martyr and catalyst for Moeby-dickheads crusade. I was reminded of Kain's journey as a weak cliché looking vampire. How Moebius coerced him to travel back in history and kicked the crapped out of William, thus screwing the whole vampire race over, at least until he damned the world and made us.

(He enters the chapel and stops near the sarcophagus, which he realizes is an alter, the Reaver is laid out upon it, held lightly in the carving of William's hands, the blade is in two pieces.)

Raziel V.O: So this is what the displacement is being caused by - the Soul Reaver itself, laid out some freaking holy thingy.and broken, either from when Kain and William fought, or maybe William was just a stupid klutz. I did not think such a thing was possible. Of course there was the time when that jackass Kain busted the thing over my head.

(He says this as he rubs a tiny bump on his; he then looks at his right hand.)

Raziel: Hey weren't my claws white, not blue like me?

(He gives up on that little wonder and continues with more voice-overs.)

Raziel V.O: Thus the spirit in the blade was released, yah da yah da. you all know this already.

(Mesmerized by the Reaver's presence here, he reaches out to the blade; and as if by sympathetic response, the wraith blade manifests itself on its own.)

Raziel V.O: And so the Reaver met its former self-

Wraith blade: Hey, I'm you freed from the blade.

Sword: Cool, what number am I thinking of?

WB: 67.

Sword: Cool you are me.

(Raziel continues on, not noticing this.)

Raziel: - still imprisoned this metal shell. I watched like an idiot, mesmerized, as the blade uncoiled itself, and snaked down the length of the physical blade.

(As it passes over the hilt, Raziel's hand quickly clamps onto the blade. The Reaver has made him its bitch.)

Raziel: HEY! I'm no ones bitch!

(The sword whacks itself against his head.)

Raziel: OW.

(He gives up and goes on.)

Raziel V.O: Embracing its twin, yah da yah da.. Its long- dormant spirit was now fully aroused. EWWW! And for the first time, I was aware of the entity and so on and so forth. Then the Reaver was in full command, it made sing sweating' to the oldies and such, also leeched some of my life to restore its former self.

(He watches as the Reaver draws his soul-energy into the blade. The two halves come together and fuse back to perfection. Just before he is drained completely it relents and soon, Raziel regains control.)

Raziel V.O: But it knew better to destroy its host - just as I was on the verge of oblivion it released its hold on me. As I recovered, I realized that the blade was no longer my symbiotic weapon, but more of a free loading soul sucking parasite. Competing for control. What a bitch.

(He then wheels around on Moebius, who has been watching with fascination. He's really pissed.)

Raziel: WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE NOW YOU PRICK! Is this your trap?

Moebius: *apprehensive* What!? Why is it that every time I appear I'm blamed for someone's misfortune? Don't forget it was Kain who led you here, not I! While you threaten to kick my ass - the only soul in Nosgoth ready to make you a Movie star - Kain Laughs at our folly and revels in your dismay.

(Raziel raises the intertwined blades threateningly; Moebius cowers and whimpers like a little girl.)

Raziel: These blades now coiled in sinister embrace have scared the $#*T out of creatures far more durable than you, old fart. Bound together, I wonder what they would do to your soul.

Moebius: *Whimpesly* NO! Don't kill me! I only wanted to help.

Raziel: bulls**t. Why you're trembling, pansy. You made a big mistake leaving you staff behind.

Moebius: It was to prove I wouldn't trick you. While you threaten me, Kain is eluding you.

Raziel: Don't concern yourself with him he'll join you in hell soon enough. As you said death comes to us all.

(He raises the blades, ready to kill Moebius.)

Moebius: Yes, the wheel of fortune demands it.

(This makes Raziel stop a moment.)

Raziel: What did you?

Moebius: The wheel of fate.

Raziel: Oh.

Moebius: We both serve the same god.

(He then gets cocky.)

Moebius: If you kill me, I'll get him to open a can Smite on your ass!

(Raziel throws the reaver away in disgust.)

Raziel: I tire of your game, now that I know you scared of me I'll be leaving. Kain is waiting.

Moebius: Go! Kick his ass in the name of our god. You, who were once a Sarafan priest - murdered kill -

Raziel: Oh shut up.

(He turns and exits; Moebius closes the gate and turns around.)

Moebius: By my soul, you almost had me. But that is the only chance you'll get, my little sexy assassin.

(Raziel hears only that line and runs like hell from the room.)

************************************************************** *************************

Me: Sorry it took so long, I had a sore throat and cold on Tuesday and Wednesday. I promise to get pt.3 out much sooner.

Raziel: And I promise to find a way to escape.

(At this I knocked him out with a blow to the head.)

Me: Shaddup!

Please review and I will give boatloads, truckloads and planeloads of stuff. Plus free training with your Morph- Blades.

Bye!