Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 3: The meeting at the Pillars and the
return of the Elder God
Me: Good to see everyone loves all of parodies, so, THANK YOU! Oh, and Angel-Chan, I'm better now, thanks for the concern.
Raziel: I will have my revenge for your parodying my adventures!
Me: Oh, give it a rest.
Kain: How could you ridicule my exploits as well?
Me: Because I wanted to.
Kain: Bah!
(He storms off.)
Raziel: Are we almost close to finish?
Me: Nope, still quite a few more Chapters to go.
Raziel: NO!
Me: YES!
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(Raziel had just ran like mad from the chapel and hid behind a Pillar.)
Raziel: Man is that coot Gay!
(Suddenly Moebius appear next to him.)
Moebius: I am not!
Raziel: That's what they all say.
Moebius: Who?
Raziel: Them.
(He points to two guys over near the giant doors.)
Them: Hey.
They: How ya' doin'
Moebius: O.o. I'm not GAY!
(He vanishes, crying like a pansy.)
Raziel V.O: I could now summon the reaver at will, reaver goes on, reaver goes off, but once it was summoned, could not control its hunger. It devoured the souls of its enemies and the occasional fried chicken. but if it gorged itself too much, it would become over-aroused, EWW! And would turn its hunger on me. Ain't that a bitch?
(He renters the chapel and looks over at the picture displaying the death of Janos Audron.)
Raziel: So this was the legendary Janos Audron - said to have the oldest living being since that jar of pickles was found in the sanctuaries fridge. According to drunken ramblings, he lived high in Nosgoth's northern mountains, terrorizing the humans. His reign of terror ended when the Sarafan hunted him down and kicked the crap out of him badly, they went as far as cutting his heart out. This came to be known as the 'heart of darkness'; it was said to restore vampiric unlife. The Sarafan kept it as kick ball and so it was guarded, less their enemies want it for their ball games.
But I wondered was Janos really such a monster like he was depicted here, and I also wanted to know: HOW MANY FRICKEN HEARTS DOES HE HAVE?
I guess I would have to wait, but was he really all that bad? Or was some licence by the Sarafan, by lionizing them and demonizing their enemies?
(He then leaves and enters into the room that honors the Sarafan 'Saints'.)
Raziel V.O: Weird how my history came full circle. This chapel, I realized, was not used for wild frat parties, but a shrine to my brethren, and myself, all of us, martyred here, and then so cruelly defiled when Kain he 'raided' our tomb. (He comes across a statue of himself.) And for the first time I beheld of my Sarafan self, memorized here, hmm they knew that I was special. It tickled me to see how cool I was once was, that hair is so stylist, and what a butt-ugly thingy I had become. And a profound sense of injury, of loss, of hunger and betrayal welled up in me, so Overwhelmingly I could barely contain it. All I wanted at this moment was to find Kain and give him a kick in the nuts.
(He walks into the center of the room and two female vampire hunters drop out from above, but instead of landing on their feet, they crash into the ground, leaving holes in the shape of their bodies. Raziel shakes his head in embarrassment and heads up the steps near one of the pictures; he then makes his way to large doors. He opens them and for the first time sees the land of Nosgoth in its former glory.)
Raziel V.O: I emerged, and for the first time, saw Nosgoth in its post hellhole state. A land overflowed with lots of life and hippies, and I knew that the crap hole I had left was nothing more than the corpse of Nosgoth, a lifeless lump bled dry from Kain's empire and numerous parties. This was the fragile world Kain sacrificed for a free meal and a hot, heedless of the profound cost. The sight only pissed me off further. I could tell the pillars lay north-west because I had read the script, and if Kain truly waited to confront me there, I would not disappoint him.
(He then jumps off the balcony and swims toward a small mechanism; he jumps onto the surface and looks back to where he had jumped.)
Raziel V.O: When I had just escaped, I knew I would have to return, but that would not be easy, the balcony was now out of my reach, I would have to find other means of entry.
(He then spots the door to the light forge near the waterfall.)
Raziel V.O: I did not possess the means to unlock this door, but the neat little symbol was the key.
(He then sees the first of many checkpoints, as he walks past it, it sucks some of his energy.)
Raziel V.O: Whoa! This must be some sort of energy sapper, or maybe it just a checkpoint that would revive me if I died in the spectral realm.
(He then uses the device to open the gate and then swims through; he comes to the small clearing where one the save points lay.)
Raziel V.O: I hoped to god that this was a save point and not one of those police prints things, I already have a record. *Recalls something he did once* By putting my hand on it so, I could leave a mark of my exploits and return here to continue my journey when I get bored and decide to watch TV.
(He then makes his way through tons of Moebius' vampire hunters; he stops when he sees a group of dead vampires.)
Raziel V.O: These guys had noting in common with the ass-ugly beast I left behind in Kain's derelict empire. They still seemed somewhat human, except they had claws and fangs and glowing eyes and dark powers, you get the idea. Apparently they were hunted mercilessly in this era and while I thought that Vampirism was a plaque and had to be stopped, I found nothing noble in this icky slaughter. This was simply an act of jackassery.
(He is about to walk off when he suddenly hears voices; he turns around and sees the dead vampires conversing with one another.)
Raziel: O.O
Dead vamp #1: What's wrong friend?
D. Vamp #2: Well I just can't believe my friends left me like that.
D. Vamp #3: Don't worry chum, we'll be your new friends. You know what they always say:
Always look on the bright side of life!
(The dead vampires continue to sing, Raziel, confused, just blinks and slowly continues onto the Pillars, he opens the giant gate doors and enters into the clearing where the Pillars stood, he marveled at their beauty and then brought his gaze to someone who was not such a beauty, Kain, who was apparently oblivious to Raziel's presence, he was busy studying his Yu-Gi-Oh! Cards. Raziel began to slowly creep up behind Kain, but Kain had secretly placed a tiny thin wire across the platform, so Raziel tripped, Kain address him without turning his back.)
Kain: I know your there, Raziel, you fell for my trap.
Raziel: Dammit! I knew I should checked for booby traps, anyway, that old faggot led me here Kain, although my first thought was that you'd be at the local bar.
(Kain keeps his back turned, only turning his head slightly.)
Kain: And if Moebius told you I was hidden on the underside of hell, would you throw yourself into oblivion to follow me?
Raziel: Nah, I'd take the subway.
Kain: What subway?
Raziel: That one.
(He points to a subway entrance just to the left of the Pillars, on a sign next to it says: Train to Hell - 1:00pm.)
Kain: O.o
(Raziel brings attention back to him.)
Raziel: I have pursued you here for one purpose - have you seen my car keys?
Kain: Raziel, listen.NO ONE HAS SEEN YOUR DAMN KEYS!
Raziel: Ok then, well I guess then I'm here to kill you, and uh, restore balance to Nosgoth.
Kain: Who is satisfied then? Moebius or you?
Raziel: Would I be better manipulated by you, Kain? Now turn and face me, the chase is over, your it.
(Kain still keeps his back turned.)
Kain: This isn't a chase, Raziel, we are meant to be here, we always have, and always will, unless a new team makes the third game and makes some confusing irrelevant things happen. We have been brought here for a reason. I have seen the end of this story, or at least up to this game's end, but it sucks, so we must change it.
Raziel: *really pissed* Will you just f****** turn? You shouldn't die a wussies death.
(Kain finally turns, having delayed enough.)
Kain: Isn't it customary to grant the condemned a final request?
Raziel: I recall no such courtesy from you.
Kain: Indulge me.
Raziel: I at least wanted one last Big Mac with some fries.
(At this moment, an unearthly wailing begins to be audible, increasing in volume as it fills the clearing.)
Kain: This is the moment of our undoing, Raziel - the thingy that our swings the entirety of our history or something. This is where is all of Nosgoth is screwed over.
In this moment Ariel - the balance guardian - is murdered by dark forces bent on screwing people over and the Eagles lose going the super bowl. Her spirit is now hoping a ride here; you have seen how she comes to haunt this place.
Raziel: Yeah, I do. *He recalls all the times she dropped stuff on him* She is bound here because of your selfish desire to live. You are the reason of everything that has happened. As long as you live you condemn Nosgoth to an eternity of decay and binge drinking.
(Kain raises his hands gently to silence Raziel, and intently urges him.)
Kain: Shut up for a second, Raziel. See this.
(The sky darkens and the wind begins to gust, and birds scatter from the clearing in alarm.)
PPPFFFTTT!
Raziel: Oh did you fart?
(A gust of greenish-brown wind, blasts threw the air, stunning Raziel and Kain with a very noxious smell.)
Elder God: Phew! Those beans really hit the spot!
Raziel and Kain: O.o
Kain: That's not what was supposed to happen.
(Suddenly a low, nearly sub-audible rumble, as though a massive storm is gathering, or that the stadium is in a riot. Kain continues with urgency.)
Kain: As Ariel dies, and the Eagles return home, I am being born to take her place as Balance Guardian and chef. Such is my destiny.
(Suddenly the clearing is rocked by an indescribable force - a telepathic blast burns across the landscape, trees are blown and cows fly by and with a thunderous rumble, and distorting waves of energy ripple across the clearing. Kain visibly tenses as he absorbs the onslaught of this psychic attack. The Pillars, finely polished and sparkling begin to crack and tarnish and corrode as they turn grey with corruption.)
Raziel: .HOLY S#*%.
(As the assault recedes, Kain speaks once more.)
Kain: At the moment of my first cry, Ariel's beloved light bulb head - the Guardian Nuraptor - finds her corpse. Wracked with grief, giant bills and tormented with suspicions of treachery, Nuraptor goes wacko-psycho which overflows and infects of all the Guardians, who are symbiotically bound by contract. Including me. The reprocussions of Ariel's assassination were expertly calculated by nerds. The entire circle descends into weirdness, and I am tainted at the moment of my birth - Instantly rendered useless of ever achieving that one question: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop? Oh and fulfilling the role destiny has prepared for me, god that sucks.
Raziel: Shall I show you the same mercy you showed the rest of the circle, that thing that would have involved a video of Britney Spears, then? You blithely murdered them to restore the Pillars, yet your hand quivered like a little girl when it came to the final sacrifice.
Kain: HEY! I told Ariel I wasn't ready for commitment.
Raziel: I mean the 'you dying' thing.
Kain: Oh.
Raziel: What makes you exempt, Kain? You're merely the last man standing. Why condemn me for simply carrying out what you hadn't the courage to do yourself?
Kain: Let's drop that damn issue already, shall we? We both know there's altruism in this pursuit. Your stupid and reckless indignation led you here - I counted on it.
(Kain folds his arms as he says this, he sees that Raziel is bristling at this insult.
Kain: There's no shame in it, Raziel - wanting to kill Moebius and me is motivation enough. At least it's honest, in the sense of not regarding laws though. Hate me, but do it half-assley.
(He then resumes his account of Nosgoth's history.)
Kain: Thirty years hence, I am presented with a dilemma - let's call it a two-sided coin.
Raziel: WHAT THE HELL THOSE THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?
Kain: Will you shut-up and let me finish? Ahem! If the coin falls one way, I kill my damn self and thus restore the Pillars. But as the last surviving vampire in Nosgoth, this would mean we're dead, gone, and no more. Moebius made sure of that. If the coin lands reverse, I keep on livin' and screw everyone else over, condemning the Pillars to an eternity of collapse. Either way, the game is rigged; damn Los Vegas is cheap.
Raziel: We agree somewhat then that the Pillars are crucial, and must be restored?
Kain: yep - that's about the size of it, we've come full- circle here to this place.
Raziel: So after all this chitchat, you make my case for me. To end this stalemate you must die so some deadbeats Guardians can be born.
Kain: The Pillars don't belong to them, Raziel.
Raziel: They don't?
(Kain gestures derisively, indicating humanity in general.)
Kain: .They belong to us.
Raziel: Come again?
Kain: They're ours!
Raziel: Oh, *Now acting disgusted* Your arrogance is not bounded, Kain.
(Kain laughs softly.)
Kain: there's a third option - a tippy-top monumental secret, hidden in your presence here. But it's a secret, so you'll have to figure it out yourself. Unearth your destiny, Raziel. It's all laid out for you here, use this shovel and get digging.
(Hands Raziel a shovel which he puts down.)
Raziel: But I thought coins had only two sides, are we talking about a real coin or a weird drawing of one?
(Kain rolls his eyes in annoyance, then resumes his usual attitude.)
Kain: Apparently so. But suppose you throw a coin over, and over, and over, and over enough times. .suppose one day, lands on its edge.
(He then vanishes, leaving Raziel alone in the clearing, its quite silent.)
Raziel: Hello? *Echoes* Echo! *Echoes* Now pitching for Denver, Manny Mota *Echoes*
(He then reflects on the encounter with Kain.)
Raziel V.O: I don't know why I just let that jerk escape me when I had pursued his damn ass for so long. I had no reason to trust Kain, not even with that 'trust' thing people do, after he had valued me so little, and yet, I was stupidly intrigued by his words. I had been screwed over many a time so gullibly his pawn, but if this world truly had some secrets to cough up, I was interested in what they were.
(He then sees a passage behind the Pillars, but can't get to it, so he goes into Spectral and heads up the path, he meets the Sluagh there, and their new badder looking selves.)
Raziel: Whoa! Looks like they have been bulking up on steroids.
(He fights them and wins easily.)
Raziel: Man they're still such pushovers.
(He then goes Material and takes notice of the birds that he has been seeing sense leaving the lake.)
Raziel V.O: From the my arrival I had the constant and palpable sensation of being watched, like there were these tiny cameras that were watching, and watching, and watching, someone, it seemed was keenly interested in my presence here.
(He then uncovers an ancient sealed door that depicts a winged figure that looks almost like him.)
Raziel: Hmm, needs a little more muscle, otherwise it's a spitting image of me.
(He walks up to the door and uses the Reaver in the strange keyhole at the center.)
Raziel V.O: Interesting that you find places that can only be opened by guys with no lower jaws or stomachs and has a giant soul sucky thingy on his arm, quite.
(He then enters into the chamber as the giant door closes; he then traverses through, killing off Phantoms that jump from the crystals along the way he eventually enters into an underground grotto. The Pillars reached down into this chamber, intersecting a platform engraved with arcane symbols. Water surrounds the dais, and reflected light dapples the surrounding walls. Raziel walks along the platform, surveying the murals on the surrounding walls. He recognizes his own ragged form in these heroic figures, and holds up his, mentally comparing his anatomy to theirs. He's trying put the pieces together.)
Raziel V.O: As I entered the chamber, I sensed that it had been sealed for hundreds - perhaps thousands - of years, due to the fact there was a fridge in the enjoinment room across from here and there was something that I think was a sandwich. I knew right off the bat that this room was built at the same time as the pillars were erected, I knew that no human with their weak frail girly hands could have shaped this place - and perhaps it never had been seen by human eyes.
The surrounding murals depicted a winged race, their features kinda like my own - but beautiful, and really cool and badass looking, where mine grotesque. and angelic, while mine demonic. I tried to decipher these images, but it hurts my head, owie. .a great war, but these dudes were freaky looking, nothing I had seen before. .the pillars, raised by this awesome looking race, who thus kicked their enemies asses. .the winged beings again, writhing in agony, apparently because one of them was depicted singing songs by William Shatner songs. and throughout the chamber, inscribed everywhere, "Eat at Joe's'" signs and images of the Reaver itself. Was this what Kain had nagged me to discover? I wondered.are they the ones who gave all those fricken' hearts of darkness.
(Suddenly an all too familiar voice echoes through the chamber.)
Elder God: Lies, Raziel.
Raziel: AAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
(Raziel, scared half to death leaps all the way up to the top of the chamber, slamming his head in its ceiling, then falling to the floor, breaking his neck in the process and sending him into the spectral.)
Elder God: Oh, I knew I should have said "Welcome back, Raziel" Or even "We meet again" But nope I had to go do that.
(He continues to complain while Raziel searches for a portal to the Material realm.)
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Me: Well that wraps up another chapter, I'll be starting pt. 4 of this the BO2 parody soon, and may even make that 'Little Red Ridding Kain' story.
Kain: That's absurd!
Light in Dark places: Oh, but you would look so cute. ^__^
Kain: O.O Hey get that away from me! AGH!
(He runs off with Light chasing after, she is holding a red dress.)
Me: Please review and I will give all an army of Moebius clone to slaughter anyway you wish.
See you next chapter when Raziel has to sit through another of the Elder's boring speeches.
Elder God: I'm not boring!
Me: -_- Sure you aren't.
Bye! I
Me: Good to see everyone loves all of parodies, so, THANK YOU! Oh, and Angel-Chan, I'm better now, thanks for the concern.
Raziel: I will have my revenge for your parodying my adventures!
Me: Oh, give it a rest.
Kain: How could you ridicule my exploits as well?
Me: Because I wanted to.
Kain: Bah!
(He storms off.)
Raziel: Are we almost close to finish?
Me: Nope, still quite a few more Chapters to go.
Raziel: NO!
Me: YES!
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(Raziel had just ran like mad from the chapel and hid behind a Pillar.)
Raziel: Man is that coot Gay!
(Suddenly Moebius appear next to him.)
Moebius: I am not!
Raziel: That's what they all say.
Moebius: Who?
Raziel: Them.
(He points to two guys over near the giant doors.)
Them: Hey.
They: How ya' doin'
Moebius: O.o. I'm not GAY!
(He vanishes, crying like a pansy.)
Raziel V.O: I could now summon the reaver at will, reaver goes on, reaver goes off, but once it was summoned, could not control its hunger. It devoured the souls of its enemies and the occasional fried chicken. but if it gorged itself too much, it would become over-aroused, EWW! And would turn its hunger on me. Ain't that a bitch?
(He renters the chapel and looks over at the picture displaying the death of Janos Audron.)
Raziel: So this was the legendary Janos Audron - said to have the oldest living being since that jar of pickles was found in the sanctuaries fridge. According to drunken ramblings, he lived high in Nosgoth's northern mountains, terrorizing the humans. His reign of terror ended when the Sarafan hunted him down and kicked the crap out of him badly, they went as far as cutting his heart out. This came to be known as the 'heart of darkness'; it was said to restore vampiric unlife. The Sarafan kept it as kick ball and so it was guarded, less their enemies want it for their ball games.
But I wondered was Janos really such a monster like he was depicted here, and I also wanted to know: HOW MANY FRICKEN HEARTS DOES HE HAVE?
I guess I would have to wait, but was he really all that bad? Or was some licence by the Sarafan, by lionizing them and demonizing their enemies?
(He then leaves and enters into the room that honors the Sarafan 'Saints'.)
Raziel V.O: Weird how my history came full circle. This chapel, I realized, was not used for wild frat parties, but a shrine to my brethren, and myself, all of us, martyred here, and then so cruelly defiled when Kain he 'raided' our tomb. (He comes across a statue of himself.) And for the first time I beheld of my Sarafan self, memorized here, hmm they knew that I was special. It tickled me to see how cool I was once was, that hair is so stylist, and what a butt-ugly thingy I had become. And a profound sense of injury, of loss, of hunger and betrayal welled up in me, so Overwhelmingly I could barely contain it. All I wanted at this moment was to find Kain and give him a kick in the nuts.
(He walks into the center of the room and two female vampire hunters drop out from above, but instead of landing on their feet, they crash into the ground, leaving holes in the shape of their bodies. Raziel shakes his head in embarrassment and heads up the steps near one of the pictures; he then makes his way to large doors. He opens them and for the first time sees the land of Nosgoth in its former glory.)
Raziel V.O: I emerged, and for the first time, saw Nosgoth in its post hellhole state. A land overflowed with lots of life and hippies, and I knew that the crap hole I had left was nothing more than the corpse of Nosgoth, a lifeless lump bled dry from Kain's empire and numerous parties. This was the fragile world Kain sacrificed for a free meal and a hot, heedless of the profound cost. The sight only pissed me off further. I could tell the pillars lay north-west because I had read the script, and if Kain truly waited to confront me there, I would not disappoint him.
(He then jumps off the balcony and swims toward a small mechanism; he jumps onto the surface and looks back to where he had jumped.)
Raziel V.O: When I had just escaped, I knew I would have to return, but that would not be easy, the balcony was now out of my reach, I would have to find other means of entry.
(He then spots the door to the light forge near the waterfall.)
Raziel V.O: I did not possess the means to unlock this door, but the neat little symbol was the key.
(He then sees the first of many checkpoints, as he walks past it, it sucks some of his energy.)
Raziel V.O: Whoa! This must be some sort of energy sapper, or maybe it just a checkpoint that would revive me if I died in the spectral realm.
(He then uses the device to open the gate and then swims through; he comes to the small clearing where one the save points lay.)
Raziel V.O: I hoped to god that this was a save point and not one of those police prints things, I already have a record. *Recalls something he did once* By putting my hand on it so, I could leave a mark of my exploits and return here to continue my journey when I get bored and decide to watch TV.
(He then makes his way through tons of Moebius' vampire hunters; he stops when he sees a group of dead vampires.)
Raziel V.O: These guys had noting in common with the ass-ugly beast I left behind in Kain's derelict empire. They still seemed somewhat human, except they had claws and fangs and glowing eyes and dark powers, you get the idea. Apparently they were hunted mercilessly in this era and while I thought that Vampirism was a plaque and had to be stopped, I found nothing noble in this icky slaughter. This was simply an act of jackassery.
(He is about to walk off when he suddenly hears voices; he turns around and sees the dead vampires conversing with one another.)
Raziel: O.O
Dead vamp #1: What's wrong friend?
D. Vamp #2: Well I just can't believe my friends left me like that.
D. Vamp #3: Don't worry chum, we'll be your new friends. You know what they always say:
Always look on the bright side of life!
(The dead vampires continue to sing, Raziel, confused, just blinks and slowly continues onto the Pillars, he opens the giant gate doors and enters into the clearing where the Pillars stood, he marveled at their beauty and then brought his gaze to someone who was not such a beauty, Kain, who was apparently oblivious to Raziel's presence, he was busy studying his Yu-Gi-Oh! Cards. Raziel began to slowly creep up behind Kain, but Kain had secretly placed a tiny thin wire across the platform, so Raziel tripped, Kain address him without turning his back.)
Kain: I know your there, Raziel, you fell for my trap.
Raziel: Dammit! I knew I should checked for booby traps, anyway, that old faggot led me here Kain, although my first thought was that you'd be at the local bar.
(Kain keeps his back turned, only turning his head slightly.)
Kain: And if Moebius told you I was hidden on the underside of hell, would you throw yourself into oblivion to follow me?
Raziel: Nah, I'd take the subway.
Kain: What subway?
Raziel: That one.
(He points to a subway entrance just to the left of the Pillars, on a sign next to it says: Train to Hell - 1:00pm.)
Kain: O.o
(Raziel brings attention back to him.)
Raziel: I have pursued you here for one purpose - have you seen my car keys?
Kain: Raziel, listen.NO ONE HAS SEEN YOUR DAMN KEYS!
Raziel: Ok then, well I guess then I'm here to kill you, and uh, restore balance to Nosgoth.
Kain: Who is satisfied then? Moebius or you?
Raziel: Would I be better manipulated by you, Kain? Now turn and face me, the chase is over, your it.
(Kain still keeps his back turned.)
Kain: This isn't a chase, Raziel, we are meant to be here, we always have, and always will, unless a new team makes the third game and makes some confusing irrelevant things happen. We have been brought here for a reason. I have seen the end of this story, or at least up to this game's end, but it sucks, so we must change it.
Raziel: *really pissed* Will you just f****** turn? You shouldn't die a wussies death.
(Kain finally turns, having delayed enough.)
Kain: Isn't it customary to grant the condemned a final request?
Raziel: I recall no such courtesy from you.
Kain: Indulge me.
Raziel: I at least wanted one last Big Mac with some fries.
(At this moment, an unearthly wailing begins to be audible, increasing in volume as it fills the clearing.)
Kain: This is the moment of our undoing, Raziel - the thingy that our swings the entirety of our history or something. This is where is all of Nosgoth is screwed over.
In this moment Ariel - the balance guardian - is murdered by dark forces bent on screwing people over and the Eagles lose going the super bowl. Her spirit is now hoping a ride here; you have seen how she comes to haunt this place.
Raziel: Yeah, I do. *He recalls all the times she dropped stuff on him* She is bound here because of your selfish desire to live. You are the reason of everything that has happened. As long as you live you condemn Nosgoth to an eternity of decay and binge drinking.
(Kain raises his hands gently to silence Raziel, and intently urges him.)
Kain: Shut up for a second, Raziel. See this.
(The sky darkens and the wind begins to gust, and birds scatter from the clearing in alarm.)
PPPFFFTTT!
Raziel: Oh did you fart?
(A gust of greenish-brown wind, blasts threw the air, stunning Raziel and Kain with a very noxious smell.)
Elder God: Phew! Those beans really hit the spot!
Raziel and Kain: O.o
Kain: That's not what was supposed to happen.
(Suddenly a low, nearly sub-audible rumble, as though a massive storm is gathering, or that the stadium is in a riot. Kain continues with urgency.)
Kain: As Ariel dies, and the Eagles return home, I am being born to take her place as Balance Guardian and chef. Such is my destiny.
(Suddenly the clearing is rocked by an indescribable force - a telepathic blast burns across the landscape, trees are blown and cows fly by and with a thunderous rumble, and distorting waves of energy ripple across the clearing. Kain visibly tenses as he absorbs the onslaught of this psychic attack. The Pillars, finely polished and sparkling begin to crack and tarnish and corrode as they turn grey with corruption.)
Raziel: .HOLY S#*%.
(As the assault recedes, Kain speaks once more.)
Kain: At the moment of my first cry, Ariel's beloved light bulb head - the Guardian Nuraptor - finds her corpse. Wracked with grief, giant bills and tormented with suspicions of treachery, Nuraptor goes wacko-psycho which overflows and infects of all the Guardians, who are symbiotically bound by contract. Including me. The reprocussions of Ariel's assassination were expertly calculated by nerds. The entire circle descends into weirdness, and I am tainted at the moment of my birth - Instantly rendered useless of ever achieving that one question: how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop? Oh and fulfilling the role destiny has prepared for me, god that sucks.
Raziel: Shall I show you the same mercy you showed the rest of the circle, that thing that would have involved a video of Britney Spears, then? You blithely murdered them to restore the Pillars, yet your hand quivered like a little girl when it came to the final sacrifice.
Kain: HEY! I told Ariel I wasn't ready for commitment.
Raziel: I mean the 'you dying' thing.
Kain: Oh.
Raziel: What makes you exempt, Kain? You're merely the last man standing. Why condemn me for simply carrying out what you hadn't the courage to do yourself?
Kain: Let's drop that damn issue already, shall we? We both know there's altruism in this pursuit. Your stupid and reckless indignation led you here - I counted on it.
(Kain folds his arms as he says this, he sees that Raziel is bristling at this insult.
Kain: There's no shame in it, Raziel - wanting to kill Moebius and me is motivation enough. At least it's honest, in the sense of not regarding laws though. Hate me, but do it half-assley.
(He then resumes his account of Nosgoth's history.)
Kain: Thirty years hence, I am presented with a dilemma - let's call it a two-sided coin.
Raziel: WHAT THE HELL THOSE THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?
Kain: Will you shut-up and let me finish? Ahem! If the coin falls one way, I kill my damn self and thus restore the Pillars. But as the last surviving vampire in Nosgoth, this would mean we're dead, gone, and no more. Moebius made sure of that. If the coin lands reverse, I keep on livin' and screw everyone else over, condemning the Pillars to an eternity of collapse. Either way, the game is rigged; damn Los Vegas is cheap.
Raziel: We agree somewhat then that the Pillars are crucial, and must be restored?
Kain: yep - that's about the size of it, we've come full- circle here to this place.
Raziel: So after all this chitchat, you make my case for me. To end this stalemate you must die so some deadbeats Guardians can be born.
Kain: The Pillars don't belong to them, Raziel.
Raziel: They don't?
(Kain gestures derisively, indicating humanity in general.)
Kain: .They belong to us.
Raziel: Come again?
Kain: They're ours!
Raziel: Oh, *Now acting disgusted* Your arrogance is not bounded, Kain.
(Kain laughs softly.)
Kain: there's a third option - a tippy-top monumental secret, hidden in your presence here. But it's a secret, so you'll have to figure it out yourself. Unearth your destiny, Raziel. It's all laid out for you here, use this shovel and get digging.
(Hands Raziel a shovel which he puts down.)
Raziel: But I thought coins had only two sides, are we talking about a real coin or a weird drawing of one?
(Kain rolls his eyes in annoyance, then resumes his usual attitude.)
Kain: Apparently so. But suppose you throw a coin over, and over, and over, and over enough times. .suppose one day, lands on its edge.
(He then vanishes, leaving Raziel alone in the clearing, its quite silent.)
Raziel: Hello? *Echoes* Echo! *Echoes* Now pitching for Denver, Manny Mota *Echoes*
(He then reflects on the encounter with Kain.)
Raziel V.O: I don't know why I just let that jerk escape me when I had pursued his damn ass for so long. I had no reason to trust Kain, not even with that 'trust' thing people do, after he had valued me so little, and yet, I was stupidly intrigued by his words. I had been screwed over many a time so gullibly his pawn, but if this world truly had some secrets to cough up, I was interested in what they were.
(He then sees a passage behind the Pillars, but can't get to it, so he goes into Spectral and heads up the path, he meets the Sluagh there, and their new badder looking selves.)
Raziel: Whoa! Looks like they have been bulking up on steroids.
(He fights them and wins easily.)
Raziel: Man they're still such pushovers.
(He then goes Material and takes notice of the birds that he has been seeing sense leaving the lake.)
Raziel V.O: From the my arrival I had the constant and palpable sensation of being watched, like there were these tiny cameras that were watching, and watching, and watching, someone, it seemed was keenly interested in my presence here.
(He then uncovers an ancient sealed door that depicts a winged figure that looks almost like him.)
Raziel: Hmm, needs a little more muscle, otherwise it's a spitting image of me.
(He walks up to the door and uses the Reaver in the strange keyhole at the center.)
Raziel V.O: Interesting that you find places that can only be opened by guys with no lower jaws or stomachs and has a giant soul sucky thingy on his arm, quite.
(He then enters into the chamber as the giant door closes; he then traverses through, killing off Phantoms that jump from the crystals along the way he eventually enters into an underground grotto. The Pillars reached down into this chamber, intersecting a platform engraved with arcane symbols. Water surrounds the dais, and reflected light dapples the surrounding walls. Raziel walks along the platform, surveying the murals on the surrounding walls. He recognizes his own ragged form in these heroic figures, and holds up his, mentally comparing his anatomy to theirs. He's trying put the pieces together.)
Raziel V.O: As I entered the chamber, I sensed that it had been sealed for hundreds - perhaps thousands - of years, due to the fact there was a fridge in the enjoinment room across from here and there was something that I think was a sandwich. I knew right off the bat that this room was built at the same time as the pillars were erected, I knew that no human with their weak frail girly hands could have shaped this place - and perhaps it never had been seen by human eyes.
The surrounding murals depicted a winged race, their features kinda like my own - but beautiful, and really cool and badass looking, where mine grotesque. and angelic, while mine demonic. I tried to decipher these images, but it hurts my head, owie. .a great war, but these dudes were freaky looking, nothing I had seen before. .the pillars, raised by this awesome looking race, who thus kicked their enemies asses. .the winged beings again, writhing in agony, apparently because one of them was depicted singing songs by William Shatner songs. and throughout the chamber, inscribed everywhere, "Eat at Joe's'" signs and images of the Reaver itself. Was this what Kain had nagged me to discover? I wondered.are they the ones who gave all those fricken' hearts of darkness.
(Suddenly an all too familiar voice echoes through the chamber.)
Elder God: Lies, Raziel.
Raziel: AAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
(Raziel, scared half to death leaps all the way up to the top of the chamber, slamming his head in its ceiling, then falling to the floor, breaking his neck in the process and sending him into the spectral.)
Elder God: Oh, I knew I should have said "Welcome back, Raziel" Or even "We meet again" But nope I had to go do that.
(He continues to complain while Raziel searches for a portal to the Material realm.)
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Me: Well that wraps up another chapter, I'll be starting pt. 4 of this the BO2 parody soon, and may even make that 'Little Red Ridding Kain' story.
Kain: That's absurd!
Light in Dark places: Oh, but you would look so cute. ^__^
Kain: O.O Hey get that away from me! AGH!
(He runs off with Light chasing after, she is holding a red dress.)
Me: Please review and I will give all an army of Moebius clone to slaughter anyway you wish.
See you next chapter when Raziel has to sit through another of the Elder's boring speeches.
Elder God: I'm not boring!
Me: -_- Sure you aren't.
Bye! I