Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 4: The return of drunken Raziel and
long boring speeches and a vampire who screams like girls.
Me: It great to know that you people like my fictions, I am thinking of one or two song fics featuring LoK characters, and I may post one soon.
Raziel: Can I be the lead singer.
Me: Maybe, maybe not.
(Moebius crawls up to me, looking sickly and beating from the hamster ball gift.)
Moebius: Please, no more!
(I pick him up by the collar and toss him into a room full of authors/authoresess who love to beat Moebius, like Fallen Templer and Concept.)
Moebius: Please, NO!
(Beating sounds can be heard as I close the door.)
Moebius' voice: NO! MOMMIE! HELP!
(Noises continue.)
Me: Well on with the fiction!
(I open the door and walk in.)
Moebius' voice: O.O No, what are you doing with that! Please no, for the love of the Elder God! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Echoes off*
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(We come just as Raziel is seen shifting back into the material realm after breaking his neck from the scare of the Elder's voice.)
Raziel: Ah my ancient 'benefactor'.. And I dared to hope to never see your ugly face again. Your silence was like a breath mint; it was refreshing, while it lasted. No doubt you have some lame ass excuse for being here?
Elder God: Don't be an ass, Raziel. I am eternally present, while my green card is still valid - here and everywhere, now and until this sequel is over. I am still the center of the knitting wheel, the spindle of this world's destiny.
Raziel: But perhaps not so omnipotent as you'd had me believe. Most badass God huh, yeah right. Your hold on me appears to be very little. I sure as hell don't need you, yet I'm guessing you still need me.
EG: Well, really I just need you to get my groceries, oh and uh kill Kain. This impudence is unworthy of you, huh? What the hell does that mean, oh well. Do not forget you have a task to fulfil here. Get my dang groceries! You are indebted to me.
Raziel: Indebted? What the hell do you mean! I didn't ask for this 'gift' you bestowed. Do you forget that you forced me to inhabit this vile carcass -
EG: - Ugh, well, I restored you so there! XD It was Kain who messed you up. The very enemy who you just let go Scott free. Do not fail me, my monkey.
Raziel: Monkey?
EG: I mean Servant!
Raziel: Uh, I serve no one - not you, not Kain, not the giant squirrel -
EG: *While Raziel is going on* Giant Squirrel?
Raziel: - And certainly no you lackey Moebius.
EG: Moebius is my good servant, I have five or so more.
Raziel: And if I tell Moebius that he's worshipping a giant squid, do you think his faith will falter?
EG: Not as long as I have this incriminating photo of him.
(A tentacle pops out of the water and shows Raziel the pictures; Raziel's eyes widen in horror and revulsion.)
Raziel: O.o/@.@ Please, take it away!
(Begins to gag at the sight on those photos.)
EG: You have grown willful, Raziel. But beware - to embrace a serpent is to invite one hell of a painful bite and poison too. Kain is a sinuous beast; he will seduce and deceive you. -
Raziel: - That doesn't sound right! I harbor no illusion of his integrity, not even Bush's. In fact, I am beset by manipulation on all sides. I merely seek the truth.
EG: These are the fathomless truths, Raziel: The agony of hearing Bush go on and on, oh and the crap about birth, death and rebirth - this is the wheel of Fate, the dry cycle which sustains all life. Carebears are an abomination, oh and vampires too, a plaque which leeches this land of its spiritual strength and its muffin supply. They obstruct the flow of life and death - their souls stagnate in their wretched corpses. But the wheel must turn; death is inexorable and annoying and cannot be denied. Your destiny is irresistible, Raziel - blah blah blah.-
(A/N: You all know what's happened.)
EG: - Kain's blood and squandered lunch money belongs on your - Dammit Raziel not again!
Raziel: *Snoring*
(A brick hits him from above.)
Raziel: OW! Oh, hehehe, sorry. Uh, Kain indeed deserves to die, for condemning me to this butt-ugly form, and giving me that sports car. But if and when I kill him, with a mallet, it will be for me, alone, to decide, alone.
EG: You added an extra 'alone' there.
Raziel: Oh well.
EG: Whatever. Kain destroyed you without a flicker of remorse. He tore the soul from your noble corpse, and after you had served him faithfully for a thousand years, he kicked your ass and threw you into the abyss on a jealous whim. Remember your rage, Raziel - let it guide your hand.
Raziel see ya!
(He jumps into the water.)
EG: Do not fail me. Your destiny beckons. Destroy Kain. You would be wise to heed me, Raziel. Tread carefully, Raziel. I like bagels. I'm a dentist.
Raziel: O.o What the hell are you going on about?!?
EG: *Like GIR from Invader Zim* I have no idea!
(Raziel sighs and suddenly spots a little door on the under side of the platform.)
Raziel: Hey, what's this?
(He opens it and finds a bottle, not just any bottle though.)
Raziel: Oh cool! Booze!
EG: Hey that's my last bottle.
Raziel: Screw you!
(He sticks the bottle in his cowl, and swims out of the chamber, the Elder pulls out a list *Under water, Huh?!?!?!* and a pen.)
EG: One bottle of scotch.
(We see Raziel exit from the water and heads out, fighting the weird phantoms and such along the way.)
Raziel V.O: I surfaced into a very different landscape, no gay-time streamers in sight. YES! No light reached here due to the thick canopy of this forest, or maybe because the programmers decided on a crappy dreary sky instead. Here I discovered an ancient ruin, unmistakably one of Moebius' Time Streaming/Law office chambers, but long ago sealed and abandoned due to Hash's free offer of Bagels when he took a case. I didn't currently possess the means to break this seal, and my handy-dandy bazooka was somewhere in the future at my clan territory.
(He pulls out the bottle and examines it.)
Raziel: Oh, Janos Audron era, that's a good year.
(He opens the bottle and takes a swig, and another, and another.)
**10 minutes later**
(Raziel is drunk as a, uh, as a, well drunken vampire whose drunk.)
Raziel: Fhjafhdjfjk. (*Translation* WHEE! I'm drunk like some drunken dude!)
(He continues on and soon reaches that big door, he turns to see who has been following him, and it's Vorador.)
Raziel: Ghhkjajfjkjfj! (*Translation* Look, it's the Grinch who stole Christmas!)
*A/N: Does anyone other than me think Vorador looks like the Grinch? *
(At this, Vorador gives a confused look, blinks, blinks again, and then vanishes. Raziel then made his way to that area where the blocked path is.)
Raziel V.O: Gahfav thcvine balsac d asfs Geh, hfajhfahfjhjkjh. (*Translation* What the hell is he saying?!?)
(He then kills all of the vampire hunters, who are unable to harm, having never encountered a vampire who's as drunk as Kain on one of his weekly binges. He soon makes it to the Balcony where Vorador had just been.)
Raziel V.O: Gah, ah heehaw jjakjfklj fjakjfkjakl. (*Translation* I really have no idea what on earth he just said.)
(He stumbles about and accidentally, well to his intoxicated mind it is, sticks the reaver in the keyhole/locked of the Dark Forge.)
Raziel: HGJKFDH! (*Translation* AHHH! IT'S EATING MY HAND! AHHHHH!) (A/N: O.o, o.o, -.-)
Readers (You and the other people reading this.): O.o, o.o, -.-
(The doors open and he stumbles in.)
*A/N: I'm gonna skip a head a little and just let Raziel receive the Dark Reaver, I can't afford it if he's arrested and gets a S.P.U.I *Solving Puzzles while Under Intoxication*
(Raziel stumbles about the Forge and kills the zombies and admires the murals.)
Raziel: Gah hehe fah, tjajj. (*Translation* Hey look, these dude have wings, like me, they look like birdies.)
Me: -.- Why do I let him drink?
(He then stumbles into the main forge room, which I activated so as to save our drunken Hero the time. He gets close and the reaver uncoils on it's own and draws him close to it, it then plunges itself into the hole/forge font. The really cool special effects play and Raziel is lifted off his feet.)
Raziel: Fhakjhfjh! (*Translation* Hey look, I can fly!)
Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z: *Pops in out of nowhere* What is he on!?! *Pops out*
(Raziel then looks at the new reaver, and looks, and looks, and looks, then grumbles, and looks, then gets bored and walks out, he passes by the first of the lit dark fonts.)
Raziel: Hfjsjfkljafjf! (*Translation* Hey lookie it's a toilet!)
Me: *Appears for a second and slaps him silly *: No you stupid drunk it's a font you can use to make the reaver have dark properties when it's changed back to normal. *Disappears*
(Raziel just blinks in drunken confusion and then heads out of the forge, as he opens the door, which took him about two hours since he's so drunk he couldn't see straight, he is now less intoxicated and can now speak, or at least saw real words. Vorador is leaning against the pillar, apparently waiting for him to come out.)
Vorador: About time, you must be really drunk for it to take you so long to open that door, I could have at least counted you saying the 'S' word at least ninety times. You're a ragged excuse for savior.
Raziel: The Grinch! *Points at Vorador*
Vorador: Ugh, right, I see my reputation proceeds me.
Raziel: It does, you big green cat person.
Vorador: -.- All good, I hope.
(He then proceeds to walk around Raziel, examining his odd features. He studies his cloven clawed hands - so like his own - his blue skin, his ragged wings, his apparent drunken stupor. Raziel stands, a little wobbly, and allows Vorador to look him over.)
Vorador: I've been watching you since you emerged from that accursed stronghold. Strange that your arrival from Pittsburgh coincide with the failure of the Eagle, oh and with the corruption of the pillars. But I'm wondering - are you the catalyst of these events, or are you answer to them?
Raziel: *Like GIR in that one episode of Invader Zim* Wha?!?
Vorador: I will speak plainly, then. I distrust your origins, your cowl, stranger. Seeing you crawl from the putrid depths Moebius' keep makes me question your purpose here. And the hell should I make of your appearance? Not human, duh! - and more demon than vampire -
Raziel: Well you're not very vampire looking yourself, Mr. Whisker chins.
Vorador: Oh shut up. Any way, - and the pillars, it is no mere coincidence blah de blah de pillars' decay blah. So I ask plainly: Are you the instrument of the pillars' destruction, or their salvation?
Raziel: I am a Smurf.
Vorador: O.o *Slightly annoyed* Very well, let us look at the other side of the coin -
Raziel: Is this the same coin Kain talked about?
Vorador: Who?
Me: He hasn't met Kain yet you twit!
Vorador: ugh, getting back the point, I followed your journey, blahblahblah, and yada yada unlocked secrets locked for thousands of years. The path you've been treading is open to only one being.
(He trails off, Raziel waits, Vorador's gaze is still trailed off.)
Raziel: hello *hic* earth to *hic* Vorador *hic* *hic*
(He lightly shakes Vorador.)
Vorador: *Screams like a girl from shock* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Raziel: GAAAAHHH! O.O
Me: O.O
Readers: O.O
Vorador: Oh, uh sorry, where was I? You don't what you are, do you?
Raziel: I have beEn *hic* many things. I remember once being a McDonald's worker.
*Flashback*
(We see Raziel dressed in a McDonald's outfit with headset on and hold an order by the drive-by window, a person drives up and he hands them the food and they give him the money.)
Human customer in car: Hey, where's the free Soul Reaver Raziel toy with block puzzle!?!
Raziel: *Eye twitches* What did you say?
HCC: I said where's the toy with the block puzzle?
Raziel: I'LL KILL YOU! I HATE BLOCK PUZZLES!!! @.@ *Foam starts to sprout from cowl.*
(Raziel proceeds to strangle the Human as we see the scene shift back to him and Vorador.)
*UnFlashback*
Vorador: O.o *Simply chuckles and turns in disgust and confusion at the flash back* What's the point, this world is beyond redemption, ever since Barney the Dinosaur moved in Meridian.
*Quick pan to Meridian with Barney out side a house*
Barney: Hello everybody!
Mob of people: GET HIM!
(The mob of people suddenly tackles him and proceed to beat him senseless.)
*Back to Raziel and Vorador*
Vorador: - Let the Human cattle have it.
Raziel: I would expect that from a talking cactus.
Vorador: Riiiiiiigggggght, Centuries of persecution have taught me well. Five hundred years ago, our race was almost exterminated by the Sarafan and William Shatner songs. And now the sick drama unfolds again, in merely a decade, Moebius' cutthroat citizen army has nearly accomplished what the Sarafan could not, River dancing with an even worse style and form.
(Then to himself.)
Vampires meddling in the affairs of men. Look where it has brought us.
(Raziel considers, or at least tries to in his drunkenness, then asks.)
Raziel: What am I to make of the pictures with the vampire birdies on them?
Vorador: Fairy tales, boy. The delirious depictions of an ancient culture, clinging to hope long after the world had said 'screw you, you suck!'. Their bloodline trickled away, until only one of the Ancient's remained - sustained solely by obligation and cheetos and his unfaltering faith in the old prophecies.
(Vorador stride closes to Raziel as he speaks, until they are face to face.)
Raziel: Uh *hic* do you think *hic* you could back up a little?
Vorador: UGH! Beer breathes!
(He runs away to the edge of the balcony and continues his talk.)
Vorador: But even you are who you appear to be, it no longer matters. You're simply too damn late. Janos Audron - the Reaver Guardian, the last of the ancients, my maker, and original black jack dealer - was murdered by the Sarafan nearly five centuries ago. He alone would have the answers you seek, but his secrets died with him. I don't know how you've come even this far, being as drunk as you are and without his guidance - or without the Reaver, stolen these five hundred years ago by the Sarafan. I am afraid, my friend, that you - and all of us - are out of luck. Oh, almost forgot, here.
(He hands Raziel a flier and then backs away without immediately teleporting and falls off the edge of the balcony.)
Vorador: *Like little girl* EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!
(Splashes into water and jumps fifty feet into air, catching fire like most vampires exposed to water. He soon vanishes leaving Raziel alone.)
Raziel: *Reading flier* "Come to 'Crazy Vorador's' Auto store, where we have all of the best sports cars around at cheap prices." What the *Hic* Hell?
(He throws the fliers away.)
Raziel V.O: I had no less reason to trust that green pointy eared freak than anyone else I had met. In fact the ancient vampire was the most forthright being I had encountered thus far. If Janos Audron was key, even though I don't understand how a vampire could be a key, then I would find, even though he's dead right now, maybe some time in the past he may be alive, and Moebius' Time Streaming device would provide me passage and maybe even more booze. But first I had to find a way back into the stronghold, maybe the back door. naw, I'll just do it the hard way and find some means to enter through the lake's mysterious shrine. But first a nap!
(He then collapses in a drunken heap. He wakes up several hours later.)
Raziel: *With biggest Hangover yet* OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! My F#*%(@G! Head! UGH! What the Frick happened? Might as well go see Elder Squid.
(Stumbles back toward the subterranean chambers.)
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Me: SORRY! Sorry it took so long to update. Evil school you know.
(Shakes fists in anger.)
Me: I was also in deep concentration over Golden Sun: The Lost Age, just three more Djinns, one more Venus, Mars and Mercury and then I'll have that ultimate Summon.
Please Review and I will teach you all the 500 ways to kill a man with a Q-tip technique, then allow you to test them out on Moebius.
(Moebius crawls in, very beaten.)
Moebius: Please, no more, I beg of you!
Me: HMMMMMM.....NO!
(Proceeds to harm him once more.)
See ya! And stay tuned for my first Songfic, featuring LoK characters!
Me: It great to know that you people like my fictions, I am thinking of one or two song fics featuring LoK characters, and I may post one soon.
Raziel: Can I be the lead singer.
Me: Maybe, maybe not.
(Moebius crawls up to me, looking sickly and beating from the hamster ball gift.)
Moebius: Please, no more!
(I pick him up by the collar and toss him into a room full of authors/authoresess who love to beat Moebius, like Fallen Templer and Concept.)
Moebius: Please, NO!
(Beating sounds can be heard as I close the door.)
Moebius' voice: NO! MOMMIE! HELP!
(Noises continue.)
Me: Well on with the fiction!
(I open the door and walk in.)
Moebius' voice: O.O No, what are you doing with that! Please no, for the love of the Elder God! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Echoes off*
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(We come just as Raziel is seen shifting back into the material realm after breaking his neck from the scare of the Elder's voice.)
Raziel: Ah my ancient 'benefactor'.. And I dared to hope to never see your ugly face again. Your silence was like a breath mint; it was refreshing, while it lasted. No doubt you have some lame ass excuse for being here?
Elder God: Don't be an ass, Raziel. I am eternally present, while my green card is still valid - here and everywhere, now and until this sequel is over. I am still the center of the knitting wheel, the spindle of this world's destiny.
Raziel: But perhaps not so omnipotent as you'd had me believe. Most badass God huh, yeah right. Your hold on me appears to be very little. I sure as hell don't need you, yet I'm guessing you still need me.
EG: Well, really I just need you to get my groceries, oh and uh kill Kain. This impudence is unworthy of you, huh? What the hell does that mean, oh well. Do not forget you have a task to fulfil here. Get my dang groceries! You are indebted to me.
Raziel: Indebted? What the hell do you mean! I didn't ask for this 'gift' you bestowed. Do you forget that you forced me to inhabit this vile carcass -
EG: - Ugh, well, I restored you so there! XD It was Kain who messed you up. The very enemy who you just let go Scott free. Do not fail me, my monkey.
Raziel: Monkey?
EG: I mean Servant!
Raziel: Uh, I serve no one - not you, not Kain, not the giant squirrel -
EG: *While Raziel is going on* Giant Squirrel?
Raziel: - And certainly no you lackey Moebius.
EG: Moebius is my good servant, I have five or so more.
Raziel: And if I tell Moebius that he's worshipping a giant squid, do you think his faith will falter?
EG: Not as long as I have this incriminating photo of him.
(A tentacle pops out of the water and shows Raziel the pictures; Raziel's eyes widen in horror and revulsion.)
Raziel: O.o/@.@ Please, take it away!
(Begins to gag at the sight on those photos.)
EG: You have grown willful, Raziel. But beware - to embrace a serpent is to invite one hell of a painful bite and poison too. Kain is a sinuous beast; he will seduce and deceive you. -
Raziel: - That doesn't sound right! I harbor no illusion of his integrity, not even Bush's. In fact, I am beset by manipulation on all sides. I merely seek the truth.
EG: These are the fathomless truths, Raziel: The agony of hearing Bush go on and on, oh and the crap about birth, death and rebirth - this is the wheel of Fate, the dry cycle which sustains all life. Carebears are an abomination, oh and vampires too, a plaque which leeches this land of its spiritual strength and its muffin supply. They obstruct the flow of life and death - their souls stagnate in their wretched corpses. But the wheel must turn; death is inexorable and annoying and cannot be denied. Your destiny is irresistible, Raziel - blah blah blah.-
(A/N: You all know what's happened.)
EG: - Kain's blood and squandered lunch money belongs on your - Dammit Raziel not again!
Raziel: *Snoring*
(A brick hits him from above.)
Raziel: OW! Oh, hehehe, sorry. Uh, Kain indeed deserves to die, for condemning me to this butt-ugly form, and giving me that sports car. But if and when I kill him, with a mallet, it will be for me, alone, to decide, alone.
EG: You added an extra 'alone' there.
Raziel: Oh well.
EG: Whatever. Kain destroyed you without a flicker of remorse. He tore the soul from your noble corpse, and after you had served him faithfully for a thousand years, he kicked your ass and threw you into the abyss on a jealous whim. Remember your rage, Raziel - let it guide your hand.
Raziel see ya!
(He jumps into the water.)
EG: Do not fail me. Your destiny beckons. Destroy Kain. You would be wise to heed me, Raziel. Tread carefully, Raziel. I like bagels. I'm a dentist.
Raziel: O.o What the hell are you going on about?!?
EG: *Like GIR from Invader Zim* I have no idea!
(Raziel sighs and suddenly spots a little door on the under side of the platform.)
Raziel: Hey, what's this?
(He opens it and finds a bottle, not just any bottle though.)
Raziel: Oh cool! Booze!
EG: Hey that's my last bottle.
Raziel: Screw you!
(He sticks the bottle in his cowl, and swims out of the chamber, the Elder pulls out a list *Under water, Huh?!?!?!* and a pen.)
EG: One bottle of scotch.
(We see Raziel exit from the water and heads out, fighting the weird phantoms and such along the way.)
Raziel V.O: I surfaced into a very different landscape, no gay-time streamers in sight. YES! No light reached here due to the thick canopy of this forest, or maybe because the programmers decided on a crappy dreary sky instead. Here I discovered an ancient ruin, unmistakably one of Moebius' Time Streaming/Law office chambers, but long ago sealed and abandoned due to Hash's free offer of Bagels when he took a case. I didn't currently possess the means to break this seal, and my handy-dandy bazooka was somewhere in the future at my clan territory.
(He pulls out the bottle and examines it.)
Raziel: Oh, Janos Audron era, that's a good year.
(He opens the bottle and takes a swig, and another, and another.)
**10 minutes later**
(Raziel is drunk as a, uh, as a, well drunken vampire whose drunk.)
Raziel: Fhjafhdjfjk. (*Translation* WHEE! I'm drunk like some drunken dude!)
(He continues on and soon reaches that big door, he turns to see who has been following him, and it's Vorador.)
Raziel: Ghhkjajfjkjfj! (*Translation* Look, it's the Grinch who stole Christmas!)
*A/N: Does anyone other than me think Vorador looks like the Grinch? *
(At this, Vorador gives a confused look, blinks, blinks again, and then vanishes. Raziel then made his way to that area where the blocked path is.)
Raziel V.O: Gahfav thcvine balsac d asfs Geh, hfajhfahfjhjkjh. (*Translation* What the hell is he saying?!?)
(He then kills all of the vampire hunters, who are unable to harm, having never encountered a vampire who's as drunk as Kain on one of his weekly binges. He soon makes it to the Balcony where Vorador had just been.)
Raziel V.O: Gah, ah heehaw jjakjfklj fjakjfkjakl. (*Translation* I really have no idea what on earth he just said.)
(He stumbles about and accidentally, well to his intoxicated mind it is, sticks the reaver in the keyhole/locked of the Dark Forge.)
Raziel: HGJKFDH! (*Translation* AHHH! IT'S EATING MY HAND! AHHHHH!) (A/N: O.o, o.o, -.-)
Readers (You and the other people reading this.): O.o, o.o, -.-
(The doors open and he stumbles in.)
*A/N: I'm gonna skip a head a little and just let Raziel receive the Dark Reaver, I can't afford it if he's arrested and gets a S.P.U.I *Solving Puzzles while Under Intoxication*
(Raziel stumbles about the Forge and kills the zombies and admires the murals.)
Raziel: Gah hehe fah, tjajj. (*Translation* Hey look, these dude have wings, like me, they look like birdies.)
Me: -.- Why do I let him drink?
(He then stumbles into the main forge room, which I activated so as to save our drunken Hero the time. He gets close and the reaver uncoils on it's own and draws him close to it, it then plunges itself into the hole/forge font. The really cool special effects play and Raziel is lifted off his feet.)
Raziel: Fhakjhfjh! (*Translation* Hey look, I can fly!)
Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z: *Pops in out of nowhere* What is he on!?! *Pops out*
(Raziel then looks at the new reaver, and looks, and looks, and looks, then grumbles, and looks, then gets bored and walks out, he passes by the first of the lit dark fonts.)
Raziel: Hfjsjfkljafjf! (*Translation* Hey lookie it's a toilet!)
Me: *Appears for a second and slaps him silly *: No you stupid drunk it's a font you can use to make the reaver have dark properties when it's changed back to normal. *Disappears*
(Raziel just blinks in drunken confusion and then heads out of the forge, as he opens the door, which took him about two hours since he's so drunk he couldn't see straight, he is now less intoxicated and can now speak, or at least saw real words. Vorador is leaning against the pillar, apparently waiting for him to come out.)
Vorador: About time, you must be really drunk for it to take you so long to open that door, I could have at least counted you saying the 'S' word at least ninety times. You're a ragged excuse for savior.
Raziel: The Grinch! *Points at Vorador*
Vorador: Ugh, right, I see my reputation proceeds me.
Raziel: It does, you big green cat person.
Vorador: -.- All good, I hope.
(He then proceeds to walk around Raziel, examining his odd features. He studies his cloven clawed hands - so like his own - his blue skin, his ragged wings, his apparent drunken stupor. Raziel stands, a little wobbly, and allows Vorador to look him over.)
Vorador: I've been watching you since you emerged from that accursed stronghold. Strange that your arrival from Pittsburgh coincide with the failure of the Eagle, oh and with the corruption of the pillars. But I'm wondering - are you the catalyst of these events, or are you answer to them?
Raziel: *Like GIR in that one episode of Invader Zim* Wha?!?
Vorador: I will speak plainly, then. I distrust your origins, your cowl, stranger. Seeing you crawl from the putrid depths Moebius' keep makes me question your purpose here. And the hell should I make of your appearance? Not human, duh! - and more demon than vampire -
Raziel: Well you're not very vampire looking yourself, Mr. Whisker chins.
Vorador: Oh shut up. Any way, - and the pillars, it is no mere coincidence blah de blah de pillars' decay blah. So I ask plainly: Are you the instrument of the pillars' destruction, or their salvation?
Raziel: I am a Smurf.
Vorador: O.o *Slightly annoyed* Very well, let us look at the other side of the coin -
Raziel: Is this the same coin Kain talked about?
Vorador: Who?
Me: He hasn't met Kain yet you twit!
Vorador: ugh, getting back the point, I followed your journey, blahblahblah, and yada yada unlocked secrets locked for thousands of years. The path you've been treading is open to only one being.
(He trails off, Raziel waits, Vorador's gaze is still trailed off.)
Raziel: hello *hic* earth to *hic* Vorador *hic* *hic*
(He lightly shakes Vorador.)
Vorador: *Screams like a girl from shock* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Raziel: GAAAAHHH! O.O
Me: O.O
Readers: O.O
Vorador: Oh, uh sorry, where was I? You don't what you are, do you?
Raziel: I have beEn *hic* many things. I remember once being a McDonald's worker.
*Flashback*
(We see Raziel dressed in a McDonald's outfit with headset on and hold an order by the drive-by window, a person drives up and he hands them the food and they give him the money.)
Human customer in car: Hey, where's the free Soul Reaver Raziel toy with block puzzle!?!
Raziel: *Eye twitches* What did you say?
HCC: I said where's the toy with the block puzzle?
Raziel: I'LL KILL YOU! I HATE BLOCK PUZZLES!!! @.@ *Foam starts to sprout from cowl.*
(Raziel proceeds to strangle the Human as we see the scene shift back to him and Vorador.)
*UnFlashback*
Vorador: O.o *Simply chuckles and turns in disgust and confusion at the flash back* What's the point, this world is beyond redemption, ever since Barney the Dinosaur moved in Meridian.
*Quick pan to Meridian with Barney out side a house*
Barney: Hello everybody!
Mob of people: GET HIM!
(The mob of people suddenly tackles him and proceed to beat him senseless.)
*Back to Raziel and Vorador*
Vorador: - Let the Human cattle have it.
Raziel: I would expect that from a talking cactus.
Vorador: Riiiiiiigggggght, Centuries of persecution have taught me well. Five hundred years ago, our race was almost exterminated by the Sarafan and William Shatner songs. And now the sick drama unfolds again, in merely a decade, Moebius' cutthroat citizen army has nearly accomplished what the Sarafan could not, River dancing with an even worse style and form.
(Then to himself.)
Vampires meddling in the affairs of men. Look where it has brought us.
(Raziel considers, or at least tries to in his drunkenness, then asks.)
Raziel: What am I to make of the pictures with the vampire birdies on them?
Vorador: Fairy tales, boy. The delirious depictions of an ancient culture, clinging to hope long after the world had said 'screw you, you suck!'. Their bloodline trickled away, until only one of the Ancient's remained - sustained solely by obligation and cheetos and his unfaltering faith in the old prophecies.
(Vorador stride closes to Raziel as he speaks, until they are face to face.)
Raziel: Uh *hic* do you think *hic* you could back up a little?
Vorador: UGH! Beer breathes!
(He runs away to the edge of the balcony and continues his talk.)
Vorador: But even you are who you appear to be, it no longer matters. You're simply too damn late. Janos Audron - the Reaver Guardian, the last of the ancients, my maker, and original black jack dealer - was murdered by the Sarafan nearly five centuries ago. He alone would have the answers you seek, but his secrets died with him. I don't know how you've come even this far, being as drunk as you are and without his guidance - or without the Reaver, stolen these five hundred years ago by the Sarafan. I am afraid, my friend, that you - and all of us - are out of luck. Oh, almost forgot, here.
(He hands Raziel a flier and then backs away without immediately teleporting and falls off the edge of the balcony.)
Vorador: *Like little girl* EEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!
(Splashes into water and jumps fifty feet into air, catching fire like most vampires exposed to water. He soon vanishes leaving Raziel alone.)
Raziel: *Reading flier* "Come to 'Crazy Vorador's' Auto store, where we have all of the best sports cars around at cheap prices." What the *Hic* Hell?
(He throws the fliers away.)
Raziel V.O: I had no less reason to trust that green pointy eared freak than anyone else I had met. In fact the ancient vampire was the most forthright being I had encountered thus far. If Janos Audron was key, even though I don't understand how a vampire could be a key, then I would find, even though he's dead right now, maybe some time in the past he may be alive, and Moebius' Time Streaming device would provide me passage and maybe even more booze. But first I had to find a way back into the stronghold, maybe the back door. naw, I'll just do it the hard way and find some means to enter through the lake's mysterious shrine. But first a nap!
(He then collapses in a drunken heap. He wakes up several hours later.)
Raziel: *With biggest Hangover yet* OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! My F#*%(@G! Head! UGH! What the Frick happened? Might as well go see Elder Squid.
(Stumbles back toward the subterranean chambers.)
************************************************************** *************************
Me: SORRY! Sorry it took so long to update. Evil school you know.
(Shakes fists in anger.)
Me: I was also in deep concentration over Golden Sun: The Lost Age, just three more Djinns, one more Venus, Mars and Mercury and then I'll have that ultimate Summon.
Please Review and I will teach you all the 500 ways to kill a man with a Q-tip technique, then allow you to test them out on Moebius.
(Moebius crawls in, very beaten.)
Moebius: Please, no more, I beg of you!
Me: HMMMMMM.....NO!
(Proceeds to harm him once more.)
See ya! And stay tuned for my first Songfic, featuring LoK characters!