Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 6: Time streaming adventures, a jackasses spirit, a
dead woman's ghost, a ruined aerie and an Air forge.
Disclaimer: I don't own Legacy of Kain and the other, random, copyrighted stuff that appears.
Me: Thanks for the reviews, I've even decided on going back to my first SR1 parody and fix some things, I'll also tidy up this and the BO2 parodies. I'm even about to update my Grand Theft Auto: Vice City parody, which I advise you all check out, it's not really a comedic fic, it's a serious one but I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Also, please read my Silent Hill 2 parody, Restless Parody, it's pretty good. Well, enough blabbering, time for the chapter.
On with the fiction!
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(Raziel is floating in the streams of time, there are odd things floating around and by as he travels forward. Things like clocks, alarms, lawyers, Donny Osmond, the cast of Monty Python, McCloud and something horrifying, Barney the Dinosaur.)
Raziel: O.o;;; .O.K.
(He then is blinded as the light fades to black, when it clears, he is in a cave that has torches by a small altar. He inspects them but turns his attention to the sound of footsteps. He sees a young boy with blonde hair and green cloths on. He pulls out a sword that only looks like a dagger in Raziel's point of view, the boy brings the sword down on Raz's head, but he isn't fazed much, he stumbles to one side, clutching his head in pain.)
Raziel: OWWWW! That hurt you freaking elf!
Link: *Does that gasps of his* BLUE ZOMBIE THING! EIEEEEEEEEEE!
(Link pushes the open the block and runs into the Fire Mountain level. Raziel stares at the block. His head is to one side, his left eye twitches and a little froth drools over the edge of his cowl.)
Raziel: Block.block.BLOCK!!! NOO! EVIL!
(He goes into a fit of hysterics and begins to run in circle whilst singing country folk songs and doing the macarena. Suddenly he is dragged back into the time stream. In his absence, Link pokes his head through the level entrance.)
Link: What the hell's his problem?
(We then see Raziel hurtling through time again.) Raziel: Phew, at least I'm away from that. block.
(Again he sees weird and out of place things, this time for instance he sees Oprah, apparently attempting to eat Cary Coleman with two slices of French bread.
Oprah: Get over you little baby, get in my belly!
Cary: What'd you talkin' 'bout Oprah.
*Canned laughter*
Raziel: That was random.
(He also sees a portal depicting Richard Nixon and Elvis battling in a Godzilla like battle, with sound affects of course.)
Richard Nixon: *Godzilla roar. Shoot atomic breath. Then does the peace thing with his hands*
Elvis: *King Kong like roar. Punches Nixon*
(Elvis throws Nixon, whom in a Godzilla way, flies threw the air in place. Raziel can only look in confusion before being dropped into a new time and space, this time he finds himself in factory like room, it's dark and there's an orange glow coming from below. He suddenly hears a weird wheezing and turns, from the shadows, a man dressed in black, wearing a cape and has weird electronic device on his chest, and a hideous mask like helmet hides his face.)
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.
Raziel: Uh, I'm not Luke, and you're certainly not my father, Kain is.
Vader: Oh, uh, COME TO THE DARK SIDE!
(He pulls out his light-saber and Raziel summons the Soul Reaver. The two clash in a battle, complete with light-saber sounds.)
Vader: I see yours is bigger than mine is.
Raziel: Yeah and I get five different colors, too!
Vader: Search your heart, you know it to be true.
Raziel: Well I can't, my heart is somewhere in the abyss.
(Vader then slashes at Raziel's left hand. Which disintegrates. Raziel dismisses the Reaver and clutches his wrist.) Raziel: *Monotone* Ow.
Vader: I'll give you another chance, join me, or die!
Raziel: Never!
(He suddenly stands up, but slips and falls off the railing, which a sign reading "Do not walk. Wet floor" is clearly in sight by. As he falls, he is again swept into the time stream. Vader peers over the edge.)
Vader: The stupidity is strong in that one.
(He turns as a door opens a ways behind him.)
Vader: Oh it's Luke. Time to get to work. *Clears throat* Luke I am your.
(We go back to Raziel, who's still in the time stream, he sees many more weird things, one of which seems to be George Clooney doing the chicken dance with the cast of Silent Hill 2. He then is dropped once more. Finally arriving in the time streaming chamber, but it seems wrong, the walls are cracked and decayed. He exits and finds the conference room of the circle of nine is abandoned and the ceiling has many holes in, rain pours from the sky like, well, rain.)
Raziel V.O: Even as I emerged from that infernal time streaming chamber, I suspected treachery. The stronghold was vacant, derelict and abandoned. Besides, the meter read 'Please deposit ten cents'.
(Suddenly two green demons appear and a barrier with the same color as them appears and forces Raziel to confront them.)
Demons: *Growling* Raziel.
Raziel: What?
Demons: *Attack*
Raziel: Can I help you?
(They continue to attack him, he fights them and kills them.)
Raziel: Dumbasses, what was it they wanted?
(He exits the room and finds he's the whole stronghold is ruined. He enters into the room where William's chapel is; now with the reaver, stolen by Kain a century ago. He then sees a statue of Moebius.)
Raziel V.O: If I had any doubts of when I was, they were all blown away. For here was a sight that sickened and pissed me off, Moebius lionized as the 'heroic' and 'brave' leader of his bloodthirsty mob. He also held Vorador's head aloft, a trophy of Moebius' greatest achievement, the annihilation of the vampire race. Instead of the sending me into the past, that jackass had sent into the ghastly future of Nosgoth. It was a time of heck and the horrific return of lawyers, who had broken back into Nosgoth from their imprisonment when Kain had refused the sacrifice of his life, also all of the brothel's had been put under quarantine for at least three hundred years. Damn. I knew why he had done this. Because I refused to become an obedient assassin, he sent me here to keep me from my true destiny, which lay in the past. I was now more eager to find out, but he had effectively trapped me here. I would have to find some means of getting into the past, hmm, perhaps I could that other time streaming chamber that can only be open by someone who has no stomach, no lower jaw and has an oversized novelty light-saber on his forearm. For the time being, I could now maybe investigate the mountains, which were previously blocked.
(Two grey demons appear.)
Grey Demons: Raziel.
Raziel: WHAT!?!
Grey Demons: Can you spare us a few coins, please?
Raziel: Oh, uh, sure here.
(He pulls out some quarters from his cowl and the demons take it and leave. The sounds of a bus screeching to a halt and leaving are heard. Raziel leaves the chapel room and enters the room at the front and finds Moebius' spirit, dead for a century since his death at Kain's hands. He greets Raziel in a withered and anguished voice.)
Moebius: Raziel.
Raziel: YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
(He jumps at Moebius, but only passes through him and hits the wall behind him headfirst.)
Raziel: *With anime swirls in eyes* What charade is this now, Moebius? And why are there five of you?
Moebius: No charade, Raziel. Only the moans of a martyred spirit.
Raziel: Your bitching means nothing to me, after all your deceit. You sent me into Nosgoth's future, and stranded me here, you ass.
Moebius: I'm really sorry, I had to do it. Consider it the last -
Raziel: Oh will you stop with the 'poor, helpless and pathetic' act already, I know, I should've killed Kain, even though it would no affect on history at all, since his 'original' refusal at the pillars. You can't fool anyone you git! I'd have to be incredibly stupid and ignorant to actually believe anything you say. Now just shut the hell up already!
Moebius: Kain's lies have addled your mind. Leave this place and trouble my spirit no more!
(Raziel has a light bulb appear above his head; he points in exclamation and realization, until the light bulb burns out.)
Raziel: If you really are a spirit, don't forget that I have ways to find out.
(He pulls down his cowl and takes out a phone, he dials a number in a few minutes the doors bust down and four men, three white and one black appear, they are wearing tan jumpsuits and have a logo with a ghost crossed out like a bug exterminator logo.)
Men in suits: Who are you gonna call?
Mysterious crowd: *Cheers* Ghostbusters!
Random demon: I ain't afraid of no ghost!
Ray: Time to zap some ghost!
(They point the guns at the ghost of Moebius and charge up, Moebius screams like a little girl and jumps out the window, the Ghostbusters follow and leave Raziel alone.)
Raziel: I didn't think so. Either way, you lose.
(He leaves the Sarafan stronghold and beholds the future Nosgoth, which doesn't seem all that bad. Sure its raining and gloomy, but at least there isn't smog covering the skies. Raziel makes his way to the pillars, fighting more of the demons, well at least some of them, one pair apparently had the evil thought of singing Barney songs, Raziel had only made away with barely any sanity left, if there was any. He enters into the now ruined Pillars, crumbled and fallen from Kain's refusal.)
Raziel V.O: These were the Pillars familiar to my blighted eyes. But now that I knew their history, I could regard them with a new enlightened horror, rather than Kain's story of how he got a little too drunk one night and all this stuff occurred, involving a bulldozer and a mutant biscuit. I even questioned his simple refusal - his mere ambition - could truly have messed everything up. I felt some darker influence was at work here.
(One of the Elder God's tentacles can be seen behind the Pillars, out of Raziel's gaze.)
Elder God: Oh crap!
(The tentacle retracts and Raziel continues to look upon the Pillars, never noticing the Elder at all, he looks to his left and sees the subway tunnel entrance a sigh hang above it while the entrance is boarded up.)
Raziel: 'Subway to Hell, closed indefinitely' *He shrugs at this*
(He sees Ariel, floating in front of the Balance Pillar, obviously mourning, as if that isn't anything new. Raziel slowly creeps up behind her, he can hear her lamenting, and she's unaware of his presence.)
Ariel: Forever am I bound, hope hopped the next bus, my spirit tethered to this place, like a ball. What messed up the circle could not harm me, for I was already dead, lucky break. I alone was spared the descent into stupidity, and Kain alone was spared pain of hangovers. When Nupraptor's idiocy reached him even with the womb, all hope was ultimately screwed over. Consider us now. both less than we once were. I, pure and boring but insubstantial; and Kain, terribly real and drunk, but corrupted.
(Raziel had been listening but had also been staring at where Ariel's butt once was, suddenly falls out of the trance and speaks to Ariel, scaring the unlife *pun!* out of her.)
Raziel: Your imprisonment here has made you deranged, babe. You complain about Kain like crazy for you assume he is the tether that binds you here. But we both know he is not the author of your whininess. Dark forces and lawyers, invited by the Guardians themselves messed up the Pillars. The more I learn of your idiotic circle, the more I see a tangled nest of manipulations and moronic mistakes.
(Ariel is fuming, not only because of Raziel's statements, but also for that 'babe' comment.)
Ariel: That ass handed them their victory. They sought to screw the Pillars up, and he was their willing banjo.
(Raziel interrupts; he seems to be doing that a lot, challenging her.)
Raziel: Or was he their unwilling village idiot? Would it piss you to know that Kain's dilemma was calculated to make the Pillars fall over, regardless of his choice? And that even more screwy things could've happened had he chosen the fate you told him to chose?
Ariel: You are a subtle, deceitful jackass. But your clever arguments do not change my thoughts of that drunkard moron, Kain. He must die for the Pillars to be restored; there is no other way.
Raziel: Then think about this - what if Kain's death doesn't do jack-squat for the Pillars? Consider that it may be simply too late. That this world is beyond redemption and curing of hangovers. And that you may be bound here eternally.
(Ariel gets so mad she teleports into the spectral realm, unaware that Raziel can too, he shakes his head and sighs and follows, he runs behind the Balance to find Ariel there, hiding from him. She is shocked to see him there too.)
Ariel: Why do you bug the heck out of me, demon. You can see that I'm trapped here, show me mercy.
Raziel: Like the mercy you showed Kain when you told him what to do without even letting him in on his forth-coming fate? Or the mercy you showed your beloved Nupraptor when you made him Kain's first kill?
Ariel: He was an ass and a weirdo anyway, damn light-bulb-head. You are cruel. Why must you bug me?
(Raziel shakes his head and relents.)
Raziel: I am merely looking for answers, and my car keys, Ariel. Very well - I'll leave you alone to mope and whine. But know this - about you, and this hellhole you long to escape from. .you're merely at the threshold.
(Ariel then vanishes to somewhere, Raziel is about to walk to the steps that form in the cliff in spectral when a huge hulking demon appears.)
Fire Demon: Dinsdale!
Raziel: O.o0
(The Demon doesn't seem to notice him at all, it wonders off, constantly muttering 'Dinsdale' every few moments. Raziel decides to ignore this and continue on, he heads threw the caverns fighting an occasional demon or two, he makes it into the Elders/Mural rooms, and is surprised to see how he has grown in the century, his tentacles reach from the waters. The rooms once perfect look is now faded from the passing of time. The Elder addresses him coldly.)
Elder: Raziel, the failed assassin. You had Kain at your mercy but not the balls to fulfil the act. And now you crappy wasteland wrought by the tyrants hand. This is the fate of Nosgoth, as long as Kain remains alive.
Raziel: An ironic condemnation, given this messed up scene. One would think you knock the Pillars over single-handedly. What are trying to obliterate as you drag your ass through this chamber? And why, as Nosgoth descends into stupidity and drunkenness, do you appear to thrive? Things in this world, I think I'm learning, are more than what they seem. You are no exception.
Elder: I am the engine of a car's life, the source of Nosgoth's very existence. I am the hub of the wheel, the origin of all alcohol and life, the devourer of death.
Raziel: Or maybe you're just hungry - could it be as simple as that? Wouldn't that be oetic irony? The great adversary of the vampires turns to be the biggest arasite of them all.
Elder: Do not test my patience with those ridiculous outtake quotes, Raziel. I made you and I can unmake if I become so inclined.
Raziel: Try me, bitch!
(Nothing happens, the Elder tries to grab Raziel, but he stands in the center and is out of range.)
Elder: Damn your clever.
Raziel: As your agent I am beyond death.
Elder: There are worst fates than death, Raziel.
Raziel: I now see you for what you truly are. A cancer - a spooling arasite burrowed deep into the heart of this world.
Elder: Go now. Play out your stupid rebellion, and take your place among the messed up, unused and the weird. But know this, you are mine for all eternity. You have and always will be, my Soul Reaver.
Raziel: Seems to me you have a Gollum complex, and the way you admire the reaver, you seem as if you're the Sarafan Lord.
Elder: Shut up!
(Raziel hops into the water, makes his way out of the chambers and finally back into the swamp, which doesn't look ickier than the last time he was there.)
Raziel V.O: Inside that rusted piece of crap lay my only ticket to getting out of this damn place, but I would need yet another type of reaver that can open a door made only for the reaver itself. Man the developers should have made a more ingenious lock on these places.
(He fights off the weird mutants which slightly amuse him cause of their weird look and makes it to the cliff that was blocked off the last time he came by, he climbs up and enters, fighting off more demons and lawyers. He makes it to that infamous town Kain visited for a while in BO1.)
Raziel V.O: Here I discovered the quaint hamlet of Uschtenheim, home of the vampire, Janos Audron and birthplace of Nosgoth's most popular line of Brothel's: Gothooters. If there was any truth to the tales, that Janos burned down the original brothel and terrorized the villagers; I would my answers here.
(He steps forward, gets bugged by a Green demon needing directions to Meridian and narrowly making his way through the hordes of and lawyers, easily fending the demons off, but have a tough bout with the lawyers. He makes his way to the Ruined Aerie. He looks upon the crumbled architecture and speaks his thought of what he sees:)
Raziel: What the Hell happened here!?!
(He observes it some more before speaking of it once more.)
Raziel V.O: Man this place was a mess, beer cans littered the waters and Aerie looked to have been rocked by some unknown force, possibly a result of Janos' death, or he apparently left the gas on. Whatever the reason, I could find no clues here or at least in this era.
(He sees a small mountain pass in the west.)
Raziel V.O: Seeming that this land is already pretty one-way, I might as well continue on.
(He hears footsteps behind him and turns; he sighs as he realizes who it is.)
Raziel: Oh no, every time you show up, something monumental and terrible happens. I don't think I have the stomach for it.
Carrot Top: Hey, no drama this time, just dial down the center and make your collect call to the one your looking for, all for ten-cents a minute. Just Dial C-A-L-L-A-T-T and then the number you're calling.
Random Lightning demon: It's cheap and easy.
Carrot Top: Exactly!
Raziel: Evil! You may have low-rates, but your annoyance can no longer be tolerated, have at thee!
(He slaughters Carrot Top and then sees Kain approaching, who seems to be laughing about something.)
Kain: That was pretty funny, the whole 'I don't think I have the stomach for it' bit was great, seeing as how you don't have any stomach no more.
Raziel: You are persistent, crossing time and space to simply laugh at an ironic statement I made and my senseless murdering of an annoying trademark character. Still waiting for that coins of your to land on its edge?
Kain: I'm biding my time, I'm spending my time in the brothels'.
(He glances up at the Aerie.)
Kain: Holy crap on a crap cracker!
Raziel: Exactly what I said.
Kain: Seems Moebius played a trick on you, he doesn't seem to want you to meet this Janos Audron, and he may very well be the key to your destiny.
Raziel: You sorta skipped a line or two.
Kain: *Mutters to self his original lines and thinks about it* That's a lot of chat, isn't it?
Raziel: Oy, again with outtakes!
Kain: Perhaps he wanted to make you even more pissed at me.
Raziel: I do not need more pissing off, I'm quite angry as it is with you. If kicking your ass would change anything, I'd do it right now.
Kain: Good to see you see through their crap, don't allow yourself to be fooled.
Raziel: You speak as if were allies, or at least playing co-op in a video game.
Kain: Regardless of your sentiments, Raziel, in their eyes - we are.
Raziel: Well they seem to be 'trying' to kill you, I'm getting assaulted left and right by demons and lawyers demanding your death and mortgage payments. I wonder if they even know how to destroy me.
Kain: To cut this damn conversation short, it's like this. Moebius is someone's bitch, which isn't too surprising, the ones pulling the strings will show themselves soon enough, probably in Defiance. Also, we are irritants in History's eyes, and we are merely rewriting the ending, which sucked and got two thumbs down. Now I must be off, oh yeah know that you're expelled from time if you screw up too badly and that we must tread carefully.
(Kain then vanishes, Raziel makes his way to the pass, all the while complaining of Kain's luckiness to go to a brothel in his free time, he enters the Air forge after facing a small army of Lawyers.)
Raziel V.O: So, the winged beings were Nosgoth's first vampires, and their blood-lust was cursed upon them by their defeated enemies, who seemed to be doing a voodoo dance that resembles the macarena. I struggled to see how the pieces fit together, how on earth did Wally escape the explosion of LeChuck's roller coasters? Oh yeah and why all the crap that happens in this game fits together.
(He then enters solves the puzzles, fights the thralls, wusses out when it comes to touching the hearts and finally activates the Forge, He plunges the reaver in.)
Raziel V.O: Now imbued with elemental wind, I could create air pockets that allowed me to glide higher and further and also blow open crack surfaces, shame there was only a few cracked doors, oh well.
(He then exits and begins to make his way through back to that Time- streaming device.)
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Well I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, I'll try update as soon as I can.
Please Review and I will give you all super-powers to beat the *Beep* out of Moebius.
See ya all later!
dead woman's ghost, a ruined aerie and an Air forge.
Disclaimer: I don't own Legacy of Kain and the other, random, copyrighted stuff that appears.
Me: Thanks for the reviews, I've even decided on going back to my first SR1 parody and fix some things, I'll also tidy up this and the BO2 parodies. I'm even about to update my Grand Theft Auto: Vice City parody, which I advise you all check out, it's not really a comedic fic, it's a serious one but I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Also, please read my Silent Hill 2 parody, Restless Parody, it's pretty good. Well, enough blabbering, time for the chapter.
On with the fiction!
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(Raziel is floating in the streams of time, there are odd things floating around and by as he travels forward. Things like clocks, alarms, lawyers, Donny Osmond, the cast of Monty Python, McCloud and something horrifying, Barney the Dinosaur.)
Raziel: O.o;;; .O.K.
(He then is blinded as the light fades to black, when it clears, he is in a cave that has torches by a small altar. He inspects them but turns his attention to the sound of footsteps. He sees a young boy with blonde hair and green cloths on. He pulls out a sword that only looks like a dagger in Raziel's point of view, the boy brings the sword down on Raz's head, but he isn't fazed much, he stumbles to one side, clutching his head in pain.)
Raziel: OWWWW! That hurt you freaking elf!
Link: *Does that gasps of his* BLUE ZOMBIE THING! EIEEEEEEEEEE!
(Link pushes the open the block and runs into the Fire Mountain level. Raziel stares at the block. His head is to one side, his left eye twitches and a little froth drools over the edge of his cowl.)
Raziel: Block.block.BLOCK!!! NOO! EVIL!
(He goes into a fit of hysterics and begins to run in circle whilst singing country folk songs and doing the macarena. Suddenly he is dragged back into the time stream. In his absence, Link pokes his head through the level entrance.)
Link: What the hell's his problem?
(We then see Raziel hurtling through time again.) Raziel: Phew, at least I'm away from that. block.
(Again he sees weird and out of place things, this time for instance he sees Oprah, apparently attempting to eat Cary Coleman with two slices of French bread.
Oprah: Get over you little baby, get in my belly!
Cary: What'd you talkin' 'bout Oprah.
*Canned laughter*
Raziel: That was random.
(He also sees a portal depicting Richard Nixon and Elvis battling in a Godzilla like battle, with sound affects of course.)
Richard Nixon: *Godzilla roar. Shoot atomic breath. Then does the peace thing with his hands*
Elvis: *King Kong like roar. Punches Nixon*
(Elvis throws Nixon, whom in a Godzilla way, flies threw the air in place. Raziel can only look in confusion before being dropped into a new time and space, this time he finds himself in factory like room, it's dark and there's an orange glow coming from below. He suddenly hears a weird wheezing and turns, from the shadows, a man dressed in black, wearing a cape and has weird electronic device on his chest, and a hideous mask like helmet hides his face.)
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.
Raziel: Uh, I'm not Luke, and you're certainly not my father, Kain is.
Vader: Oh, uh, COME TO THE DARK SIDE!
(He pulls out his light-saber and Raziel summons the Soul Reaver. The two clash in a battle, complete with light-saber sounds.)
Vader: I see yours is bigger than mine is.
Raziel: Yeah and I get five different colors, too!
Vader: Search your heart, you know it to be true.
Raziel: Well I can't, my heart is somewhere in the abyss.
(Vader then slashes at Raziel's left hand. Which disintegrates. Raziel dismisses the Reaver and clutches his wrist.) Raziel: *Monotone* Ow.
Vader: I'll give you another chance, join me, or die!
Raziel: Never!
(He suddenly stands up, but slips and falls off the railing, which a sign reading "Do not walk. Wet floor" is clearly in sight by. As he falls, he is again swept into the time stream. Vader peers over the edge.)
Vader: The stupidity is strong in that one.
(He turns as a door opens a ways behind him.)
Vader: Oh it's Luke. Time to get to work. *Clears throat* Luke I am your.
(We go back to Raziel, who's still in the time stream, he sees many more weird things, one of which seems to be George Clooney doing the chicken dance with the cast of Silent Hill 2. He then is dropped once more. Finally arriving in the time streaming chamber, but it seems wrong, the walls are cracked and decayed. He exits and finds the conference room of the circle of nine is abandoned and the ceiling has many holes in, rain pours from the sky like, well, rain.)
Raziel V.O: Even as I emerged from that infernal time streaming chamber, I suspected treachery. The stronghold was vacant, derelict and abandoned. Besides, the meter read 'Please deposit ten cents'.
(Suddenly two green demons appear and a barrier with the same color as them appears and forces Raziel to confront them.)
Demons: *Growling* Raziel.
Raziel: What?
Demons: *Attack*
Raziel: Can I help you?
(They continue to attack him, he fights them and kills them.)
Raziel: Dumbasses, what was it they wanted?
(He exits the room and finds he's the whole stronghold is ruined. He enters into the room where William's chapel is; now with the reaver, stolen by Kain a century ago. He then sees a statue of Moebius.)
Raziel V.O: If I had any doubts of when I was, they were all blown away. For here was a sight that sickened and pissed me off, Moebius lionized as the 'heroic' and 'brave' leader of his bloodthirsty mob. He also held Vorador's head aloft, a trophy of Moebius' greatest achievement, the annihilation of the vampire race. Instead of the sending me into the past, that jackass had sent into the ghastly future of Nosgoth. It was a time of heck and the horrific return of lawyers, who had broken back into Nosgoth from their imprisonment when Kain had refused the sacrifice of his life, also all of the brothel's had been put under quarantine for at least three hundred years. Damn. I knew why he had done this. Because I refused to become an obedient assassin, he sent me here to keep me from my true destiny, which lay in the past. I was now more eager to find out, but he had effectively trapped me here. I would have to find some means of getting into the past, hmm, perhaps I could that other time streaming chamber that can only be open by someone who has no stomach, no lower jaw and has an oversized novelty light-saber on his forearm. For the time being, I could now maybe investigate the mountains, which were previously blocked.
(Two grey demons appear.)
Grey Demons: Raziel.
Raziel: WHAT!?!
Grey Demons: Can you spare us a few coins, please?
Raziel: Oh, uh, sure here.
(He pulls out some quarters from his cowl and the demons take it and leave. The sounds of a bus screeching to a halt and leaving are heard. Raziel leaves the chapel room and enters the room at the front and finds Moebius' spirit, dead for a century since his death at Kain's hands. He greets Raziel in a withered and anguished voice.)
Moebius: Raziel.
Raziel: YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
(He jumps at Moebius, but only passes through him and hits the wall behind him headfirst.)
Raziel: *With anime swirls in eyes* What charade is this now, Moebius? And why are there five of you?
Moebius: No charade, Raziel. Only the moans of a martyred spirit.
Raziel: Your bitching means nothing to me, after all your deceit. You sent me into Nosgoth's future, and stranded me here, you ass.
Moebius: I'm really sorry, I had to do it. Consider it the last -
Raziel: Oh will you stop with the 'poor, helpless and pathetic' act already, I know, I should've killed Kain, even though it would no affect on history at all, since his 'original' refusal at the pillars. You can't fool anyone you git! I'd have to be incredibly stupid and ignorant to actually believe anything you say. Now just shut the hell up already!
Moebius: Kain's lies have addled your mind. Leave this place and trouble my spirit no more!
(Raziel has a light bulb appear above his head; he points in exclamation and realization, until the light bulb burns out.)
Raziel: If you really are a spirit, don't forget that I have ways to find out.
(He pulls down his cowl and takes out a phone, he dials a number in a few minutes the doors bust down and four men, three white and one black appear, they are wearing tan jumpsuits and have a logo with a ghost crossed out like a bug exterminator logo.)
Men in suits: Who are you gonna call?
Mysterious crowd: *Cheers* Ghostbusters!
Random demon: I ain't afraid of no ghost!
Ray: Time to zap some ghost!
(They point the guns at the ghost of Moebius and charge up, Moebius screams like a little girl and jumps out the window, the Ghostbusters follow and leave Raziel alone.)
Raziel: I didn't think so. Either way, you lose.
(He leaves the Sarafan stronghold and beholds the future Nosgoth, which doesn't seem all that bad. Sure its raining and gloomy, but at least there isn't smog covering the skies. Raziel makes his way to the pillars, fighting more of the demons, well at least some of them, one pair apparently had the evil thought of singing Barney songs, Raziel had only made away with barely any sanity left, if there was any. He enters into the now ruined Pillars, crumbled and fallen from Kain's refusal.)
Raziel V.O: These were the Pillars familiar to my blighted eyes. But now that I knew their history, I could regard them with a new enlightened horror, rather than Kain's story of how he got a little too drunk one night and all this stuff occurred, involving a bulldozer and a mutant biscuit. I even questioned his simple refusal - his mere ambition - could truly have messed everything up. I felt some darker influence was at work here.
(One of the Elder God's tentacles can be seen behind the Pillars, out of Raziel's gaze.)
Elder God: Oh crap!
(The tentacle retracts and Raziel continues to look upon the Pillars, never noticing the Elder at all, he looks to his left and sees the subway tunnel entrance a sigh hang above it while the entrance is boarded up.)
Raziel: 'Subway to Hell, closed indefinitely' *He shrugs at this*
(He sees Ariel, floating in front of the Balance Pillar, obviously mourning, as if that isn't anything new. Raziel slowly creeps up behind her, he can hear her lamenting, and she's unaware of his presence.)
Ariel: Forever am I bound, hope hopped the next bus, my spirit tethered to this place, like a ball. What messed up the circle could not harm me, for I was already dead, lucky break. I alone was spared the descent into stupidity, and Kain alone was spared pain of hangovers. When Nupraptor's idiocy reached him even with the womb, all hope was ultimately screwed over. Consider us now. both less than we once were. I, pure and boring but insubstantial; and Kain, terribly real and drunk, but corrupted.
(Raziel had been listening but had also been staring at where Ariel's butt once was, suddenly falls out of the trance and speaks to Ariel, scaring the unlife *pun!* out of her.)
Raziel: Your imprisonment here has made you deranged, babe. You complain about Kain like crazy for you assume he is the tether that binds you here. But we both know he is not the author of your whininess. Dark forces and lawyers, invited by the Guardians themselves messed up the Pillars. The more I learn of your idiotic circle, the more I see a tangled nest of manipulations and moronic mistakes.
(Ariel is fuming, not only because of Raziel's statements, but also for that 'babe' comment.)
Ariel: That ass handed them their victory. They sought to screw the Pillars up, and he was their willing banjo.
(Raziel interrupts; he seems to be doing that a lot, challenging her.)
Raziel: Or was he their unwilling village idiot? Would it piss you to know that Kain's dilemma was calculated to make the Pillars fall over, regardless of his choice? And that even more screwy things could've happened had he chosen the fate you told him to chose?
Ariel: You are a subtle, deceitful jackass. But your clever arguments do not change my thoughts of that drunkard moron, Kain. He must die for the Pillars to be restored; there is no other way.
Raziel: Then think about this - what if Kain's death doesn't do jack-squat for the Pillars? Consider that it may be simply too late. That this world is beyond redemption and curing of hangovers. And that you may be bound here eternally.
(Ariel gets so mad she teleports into the spectral realm, unaware that Raziel can too, he shakes his head and sighs and follows, he runs behind the Balance to find Ariel there, hiding from him. She is shocked to see him there too.)
Ariel: Why do you bug the heck out of me, demon. You can see that I'm trapped here, show me mercy.
Raziel: Like the mercy you showed Kain when you told him what to do without even letting him in on his forth-coming fate? Or the mercy you showed your beloved Nupraptor when you made him Kain's first kill?
Ariel: He was an ass and a weirdo anyway, damn light-bulb-head. You are cruel. Why must you bug me?
(Raziel shakes his head and relents.)
Raziel: I am merely looking for answers, and my car keys, Ariel. Very well - I'll leave you alone to mope and whine. But know this - about you, and this hellhole you long to escape from. .you're merely at the threshold.
(Ariel then vanishes to somewhere, Raziel is about to walk to the steps that form in the cliff in spectral when a huge hulking demon appears.)
Fire Demon: Dinsdale!
Raziel: O.o0
(The Demon doesn't seem to notice him at all, it wonders off, constantly muttering 'Dinsdale' every few moments. Raziel decides to ignore this and continue on, he heads threw the caverns fighting an occasional demon or two, he makes it into the Elders/Mural rooms, and is surprised to see how he has grown in the century, his tentacles reach from the waters. The rooms once perfect look is now faded from the passing of time. The Elder addresses him coldly.)
Elder: Raziel, the failed assassin. You had Kain at your mercy but not the balls to fulfil the act. And now you crappy wasteland wrought by the tyrants hand. This is the fate of Nosgoth, as long as Kain remains alive.
Raziel: An ironic condemnation, given this messed up scene. One would think you knock the Pillars over single-handedly. What are trying to obliterate as you drag your ass through this chamber? And why, as Nosgoth descends into stupidity and drunkenness, do you appear to thrive? Things in this world, I think I'm learning, are more than what they seem. You are no exception.
Elder: I am the engine of a car's life, the source of Nosgoth's very existence. I am the hub of the wheel, the origin of all alcohol and life, the devourer of death.
Raziel: Or maybe you're just hungry - could it be as simple as that? Wouldn't that be oetic irony? The great adversary of the vampires turns to be the biggest arasite of them all.
Elder: Do not test my patience with those ridiculous outtake quotes, Raziel. I made you and I can unmake if I become so inclined.
Raziel: Try me, bitch!
(Nothing happens, the Elder tries to grab Raziel, but he stands in the center and is out of range.)
Elder: Damn your clever.
Raziel: As your agent I am beyond death.
Elder: There are worst fates than death, Raziel.
Raziel: I now see you for what you truly are. A cancer - a spooling arasite burrowed deep into the heart of this world.
Elder: Go now. Play out your stupid rebellion, and take your place among the messed up, unused and the weird. But know this, you are mine for all eternity. You have and always will be, my Soul Reaver.
Raziel: Seems to me you have a Gollum complex, and the way you admire the reaver, you seem as if you're the Sarafan Lord.
Elder: Shut up!
(Raziel hops into the water, makes his way out of the chambers and finally back into the swamp, which doesn't look ickier than the last time he was there.)
Raziel V.O: Inside that rusted piece of crap lay my only ticket to getting out of this damn place, but I would need yet another type of reaver that can open a door made only for the reaver itself. Man the developers should have made a more ingenious lock on these places.
(He fights off the weird mutants which slightly amuse him cause of their weird look and makes it to the cliff that was blocked off the last time he came by, he climbs up and enters, fighting off more demons and lawyers. He makes it to that infamous town Kain visited for a while in BO1.)
Raziel V.O: Here I discovered the quaint hamlet of Uschtenheim, home of the vampire, Janos Audron and birthplace of Nosgoth's most popular line of Brothel's: Gothooters. If there was any truth to the tales, that Janos burned down the original brothel and terrorized the villagers; I would my answers here.
(He steps forward, gets bugged by a Green demon needing directions to Meridian and narrowly making his way through the hordes of and lawyers, easily fending the demons off, but have a tough bout with the lawyers. He makes his way to the Ruined Aerie. He looks upon the crumbled architecture and speaks his thought of what he sees:)
Raziel: What the Hell happened here!?!
(He observes it some more before speaking of it once more.)
Raziel V.O: Man this place was a mess, beer cans littered the waters and Aerie looked to have been rocked by some unknown force, possibly a result of Janos' death, or he apparently left the gas on. Whatever the reason, I could find no clues here or at least in this era.
(He sees a small mountain pass in the west.)
Raziel V.O: Seeming that this land is already pretty one-way, I might as well continue on.
(He hears footsteps behind him and turns; he sighs as he realizes who it is.)
Raziel: Oh no, every time you show up, something monumental and terrible happens. I don't think I have the stomach for it.
Carrot Top: Hey, no drama this time, just dial down the center and make your collect call to the one your looking for, all for ten-cents a minute. Just Dial C-A-L-L-A-T-T and then the number you're calling.
Random Lightning demon: It's cheap and easy.
Carrot Top: Exactly!
Raziel: Evil! You may have low-rates, but your annoyance can no longer be tolerated, have at thee!
(He slaughters Carrot Top and then sees Kain approaching, who seems to be laughing about something.)
Kain: That was pretty funny, the whole 'I don't think I have the stomach for it' bit was great, seeing as how you don't have any stomach no more.
Raziel: You are persistent, crossing time and space to simply laugh at an ironic statement I made and my senseless murdering of an annoying trademark character. Still waiting for that coins of your to land on its edge?
Kain: I'm biding my time, I'm spending my time in the brothels'.
(He glances up at the Aerie.)
Kain: Holy crap on a crap cracker!
Raziel: Exactly what I said.
Kain: Seems Moebius played a trick on you, he doesn't seem to want you to meet this Janos Audron, and he may very well be the key to your destiny.
Raziel: You sorta skipped a line or two.
Kain: *Mutters to self his original lines and thinks about it* That's a lot of chat, isn't it?
Raziel: Oy, again with outtakes!
Kain: Perhaps he wanted to make you even more pissed at me.
Raziel: I do not need more pissing off, I'm quite angry as it is with you. If kicking your ass would change anything, I'd do it right now.
Kain: Good to see you see through their crap, don't allow yourself to be fooled.
Raziel: You speak as if were allies, or at least playing co-op in a video game.
Kain: Regardless of your sentiments, Raziel, in their eyes - we are.
Raziel: Well they seem to be 'trying' to kill you, I'm getting assaulted left and right by demons and lawyers demanding your death and mortgage payments. I wonder if they even know how to destroy me.
Kain: To cut this damn conversation short, it's like this. Moebius is someone's bitch, which isn't too surprising, the ones pulling the strings will show themselves soon enough, probably in Defiance. Also, we are irritants in History's eyes, and we are merely rewriting the ending, which sucked and got two thumbs down. Now I must be off, oh yeah know that you're expelled from time if you screw up too badly and that we must tread carefully.
(Kain then vanishes, Raziel makes his way to the pass, all the while complaining of Kain's luckiness to go to a brothel in his free time, he enters the Air forge after facing a small army of Lawyers.)
Raziel V.O: So, the winged beings were Nosgoth's first vampires, and their blood-lust was cursed upon them by their defeated enemies, who seemed to be doing a voodoo dance that resembles the macarena. I struggled to see how the pieces fit together, how on earth did Wally escape the explosion of LeChuck's roller coasters? Oh yeah and why all the crap that happens in this game fits together.
(He then enters solves the puzzles, fights the thralls, wusses out when it comes to touching the hearts and finally activates the Forge, He plunges the reaver in.)
Raziel V.O: Now imbued with elemental wind, I could create air pockets that allowed me to glide higher and further and also blow open crack surfaces, shame there was only a few cracked doors, oh well.
(He then exits and begins to make his way through back to that Time- streaming device.)
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Well I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, I'll try update as soon as I can.
Please Review and I will give you all super-powers to beat the *Beep* out of Moebius.
See ya all later!