1Soul Reaver 2 - Chapter 7: More time streaming, a meeting with an ancient vampire and something about a spork.

Disclaimer: I said it before, I don't own the damn licence, or the songs included in this fic.

Me: It's been a long time since I updated this, I hope to change that, well here it is, the long awaited update, enjoy!

(Raziel travels back to the sealed time chamber and shoots it with the air reaver. Then enters the chamber.)

Raziel V.O: I had no choice but to act on dumb luck. There was no way to tell if I'd be sent into the past, or into the horrid room with a moose, and I had no knowledge of how to operate the machine, much less a manual.

I hesitated only briefly, then throwing the switch, I hurled myself into obscurity and insanity, and allowed myself to be taken by wackiness.

(Raziel floats through the currents of time, again seeing odd things, he peers through a window and sees a bizarre commercial playing out in it.)

Man in window: It hits you when you least expect it.

(Show the female character from Kill Zone holding her stomach.)

Man: It strikes without mercy, and can devastate all around. It's...

Templar: HELL GAS!

(A loud fart blast all the characters from Kill Zone and they die horribly.)

Raziel: It's so easy to make fun of the Helghast like that.

(Raziel suddenly finds himself teleported and finds himself on top of a tower, it pouring rain and there are statues all around. A man in a blue coat turns to face Raziel, his white hair brushed back, he carries a katana.)

Virgil: Brother.

Raziel: Uh, I'm not your brother.

Virgil: Oh, sorry for the confusion.

(Suddenly a man in a Red Coat walk ups.)

Dante: You really know how to throw a party, no food, no drinks, and the only babe just left.

Raziel: I think your looking for him. Points to Virgil

Dante: Oh sorry.

Virgil: Who the hell are you anyway?

Raziel: I'm a vampire wraith.

Dante: DEMON!

(Dante does Aerial Rave on Raziel and sends him to the spectral realm. Raziel sighs and materializes back in.)

Raziel: Jackass, what was that for?

Virgil: Such power, to resurrect from death, how is that possible?

Raziel: mumbles Idon'tknow.

Dante: Hmm, anyway, let's get on with the fight.

Virgil: Of course.

(The two half-demons begin to fight.)

Raziel: O.o0 What, I'm not that important they just go on to fight each other. Oh well.

(Suddenly Raziel is pulled back into the time stream and finds himself seeing more weird things, one including a blimp resembling Marlon Brando flying through the air. Then Raziel is once again pulled into another world, this time the middle of a street.)

Raziel: Now where the hell am I?

(Suddenly a man with a head that looks like a giant brain appears.)

The Lobe: I've got you now, Freakazoid!

Raziel: You must have me confused with someone else.

Lobe: Oh...

(Suddenly a man in red pajamas appears.)

Freakazoid: Hello mister freaky vampire wraith guys.

Raziel: O.o Uh, hello?

Freakazoid: In deep voice like he does sometimes Can I have your autograph!

Raziel: Sure.

(Write autograph, moments later a cop pulls up and leans out the window to Freakazoid.)

Cosgrove: Hey kid, wanna go to the happy fun ice cream theme park?

Freakazoid: DO I!

Raziel: O.o

(Raziel is once again pulled into the time stream and sees another odd sight.)

Gordon Freeman: Do you hate it when you and your friends face off against hideous mutant head crabs?

A recording shows people running from zombies, among the fleeing are Aninaniacs and in the horde of zombies, Sinbad the stand up comedian.)

Raziel: Dear god, how horrible.

Gordon: Then dial 1-800-Kill-zombies

Chorus: We get them all the time.

(Raziel is finally warped into the time chamber, it seems more new in look, he exits and finds the land covered in snow.)

Raziel V.O: Beyond all hope, and against all stupidity, it seemed I had been delivered to the era I sought. For there were Sarafan banners and wanted posters for the capture of Celine Dion. I didn't care much about the details, only that I was in the age the would likely be the time of Janos Audron, I was tired of freaking deception and decided to move on.

(Raziel heads to the swamp and regards the Sarafan's kills.)

Raziel: At least their not as brutal as Disney.

(Raziel travels to the canyons and arrives at a Sarafan camp.)

Sarafan Warrior Priest: Holy Cow!

Raziel V.O: Here at last in the stupidity, I beheld the my former idiots-in-moroness, the warrior/River dancers of the Sarafan order; their lives devoted solely to horrible dancing and killing things.

And while I confess I felt an itch of longing, a pang of grief for what I believed to be my lost ignorance, I regarded now as jerks.

For I had seen the not so badness of vampires, and I now beheld the utter weirdness of these men.

(Raziel fights them and makes his Janos' Retreat. Still in one piece in this time.)

Raziel V.O: After long hard-ass journey, I now stood at my place of enlightenment and possibly a good drink. Janos Audron's mountain retreat stood intact, and free of rabid fan-boys.

I still figure what the hell caused it to fall in the future, maybe he left the oven on.

There was only one problem, how the hell do I reach the balcony? It was reachable by only winged creatures, or dudes with cool teleporting powers.

(Raziel, the idiot he is, falls through the ice, and somehow finds the hidden entrance in the spectral realm, he then pulls out the walkthrough for the game.)

Raziel: Screw this, that'll take forever. Ah ha!

(He spots an elevator. He pushes the button and it opens, he spots a warning sign.)

Raziel: Warning, those who use this instead of the tedious puzzles will go mad, oh well, it can't be as bad as shutters block puzzles.

(As the elevator begins to rise up, a horrible tune fills the shaft.)

Raziel: O.O Oh no, not this, why didn't I heed the warning?

Elevator Song: MacArthur Park.

Raziel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

One hour later

(The elevators doors ding and open, Raziel is in the fetal position trying to suck his thumb.)

Song: Someone left the cake in the rain, Oh, nooo!

Raziel: Laughing insanely FHOIEDHFLKHD! Rolls out of elevator and into hall before Janos' chamber.

(Raziel takes a few minutes to regain what's left of his sanity, which isn't much, he then enters, he spots Janos, his back to him at the far end of the chamber.)

Raziel: Janos Audron, the greatest black jack dealer.

Janos: It is heartening, after all these years of being ignored, to hear my name, and title, spoken without contempt, or the usual follow up line: "this is a court order"

(Janos turns, and freaks out.)

Janos: HOLY CRAP! Raziel, my child, what have they done to you?

Raziel: I have been dragged through Disney's California Adventure and back, all which seems to lead up to this moment, and yet I still don't know why, why did they make such a horrible place.

Janos: For thousands of years, I have pondered that, alone, losing sanity...

At the time of the binding and the great bachelor party for Vorador, nine guardians were called to guard the pillars and the last beer in the fridge. And I was summoned as the tenth guardian, keeper of the reaver.

Over time, our race died out, until I was left alone, sustained by my faith in you, and my bad drinking habits.

(Janos walks to the balcony.)

Raziel: And the other nine, why didn't their guardianship sustain them?

(Janos thinks for a moment, then responds.)

Janos: I don't know.

(He gazes out across the landscape, recounting the vampire history, and going over his grocery list.)

Janos: Our race dwindled, while humans spread like freaking rabbits. I have watched as our history became myth, and finally faded all together.

The humans have forgotten us, thinking were some Saturday morning dribble, and have claimed the pillars for themselves - ignorant of their purpose.

To them, I am a devil, and a giant bird; the origin of their lawyer 'plaque'.

(Raziel is confused as hell by this.)

Raziel: Why would the pillars choose those idiots, if they were meant to be served by vampires?

(Janos and Raziel stand together at the balcony, looking at a cow that arguing with an octopus, Janos continues.)

Janos: The pillars choose their guardians through the lottery, Raziel - and there is no more lottery.

This is the crux of our dilemma.

And this is the terrible irony - with their vampire purge and bad music, the Circle have assaulted the very ones they are sworn to body-guard.

They have embarked on a path of drunkenness and stupidity. With every vampire they kill, they are slowly screwing themselves over, royally.

(The two watch as the cow begins to fight with karate against the octopus.)

Janos: They know I'm up hear, out of their reach.

(He points and laughs at some Sarafan trying to catapult one another to the balcony, only to smash against the cliff face.)

Janos: You can see how they place their kill about to torment me... or perhaps to lure me out.

They have some stupid theory that killing me will somehow end our bloodline and hopefully the mimes too.

Thankfully, we have no relations to mimes.

Raziel: I have seen them building their forces in the village, below.

Janos: Yes, I don't what their up, but I fear our time is short.

Raziel: They have brought you nothing but misery and thousands of free AOL discs.

You must hate them.

Janos: They fear what they don't understand and despise what they can't understand.

But no - I do not hate them.

Raziel: Vorador does.

Janos: He's been through a lot, what with the divorce and occasional Jehovah's witness, he cannot forgive them.

Raziel: Should they be forgiven?

Janos: They are stupid, and easily manipulated.

(Raziel considers this, then responds. Meanwhile, the cow has pulled out a rocket launcher.)

Raziel: So it is true then, what Kain and Vorador have said, I really am sort of alcoholic, gambling messiah.

Janos: Gambling? No, messiah, perhaps, alcoholic, definitely.

(Janos thinks for a moment, looking at Raziel's appearance. The cow is now on the run, the octopus now controlling a Metal Gear.)

Janos: You probably already know this... you appear to have had your ass kicked.

(Janos turns back to the interior of the chamber. The cow finally defeats the octopus, blowing it up as Raziel turns to face Janos.)

Janos: The binding must be double checked, the pillars are the mixing bowl.

(Raziel finishes the line)

Raziel: The reaver is the mixer.

Janos: Yes.

(He opens a chest and reveals the reaver, presently like a holy relic.

Raziel feels confused. Each time he encountered the reaver, randomness followed, oh and the whole time/space distortion.

As bizarre as that was, nothing random happening seemed worse, which is weird.)

Raziel: The Reaver is here? Why do I feel nothing random?

(Janos lifts the blade and turns to offer it to Raziel.)

Janos: The most incredible weapon our sword smiths made.

They infused with vampiric energy, allowing it drain our enemies of their life blood, and it's almost impossible to beat in a drinking contest.

Blood Reaver voice: Damn straight!

(Raziel and Janos don't seem to have noticed that random thing.)

Raziel V.O: As Janos presented the blade, some sort of dread crept over me, that I needed an aspirin.

I was usually freaked out by the randomness, but since there wasn't any right now, I felt almost inclined to pick it up.

(Raziel refuses it before he almost touches it.)

Raziel: Please - take it away from me.

(Suddenly the sound of armored soldiers fills the hallways. Suddenly Raziel realizes that he had opened up the hole in the cliff before he gave up and used the elevator. He had unwittingly exposed Janos to the Sarafan.

Janos didn't seem to be too surprised.)

Janos: I was hoping they wouldn't show for at least another hour, I wanted to play a game of cards with you.

I fear you have been followed.

(Janos places his hands on Raziel, wanting to convey him safely from the Sarafan's reach.)

Raziel: Janos - No! I wanted to play a game of palace!

(Raziel's vision become dizzy and soon he's swept into another chamber.)

Raziel: My surroundings whirled around me worse than any hangover, and I found myself in another chamber, away from harm, but unable to save Janos. He had sacrificed his life to save mine.

The irony hit me like a bag full of wet cats, if I hadn't opened the way in, Janos wouldn't be in danger.

I could hear Janos offering them to a game of cards, that would buy him time.

It seemed he sent me into the fire shrine. If I could perhaps solve the puzzle, and imbue the reaver, maybe I could save him before someone wins, maybe even ask for a second game.

(Raziel turns and head into the main part of the chamber, he activates the chamber, after many screw ups and lots of cursing, he imbues the reaver.)

Raziel V.O: I plunged the reaver in and got some cheap fire power up, nothing as cool as the one in the original, but oh well, none of the enhancements were all that great in this game. Maybe now I could save Janos' ass before he's killed.

(Raziel unseals the door and races back to Janos' chamber, Janos is immobilized by Moebius' staff, the Sarafan have him pinned to the table.)

Sarafan Raziel: Think your so great, no one can play so well. Hold him!

(Savoring the moment, the Sarafan inquisitor raises his crude weapon? A giant spork? - Bringing it down violently, he rips open Janos' chest.

Janos: This isso random! Screams in pain

(Raziel reaches the room too late, he watches as the Sarafan Raziel reaches in and pulls out a heart, of which a numerous amount fill Janos' body, he hold it up triumphantly.)

Turel: Look at his icky heart, how cheaply animated it beats.

(Raziel is dumbfounded, not by what was said, but by how Janos has enough hearts in his chest make Link invincible. He is then shocked as the man turns and sees that it was he, his human Sarafan self, that has killed Janos.

Raziel and his human self lock eyes, both thinking 'what the hell?' before a random noise of a gong being rung rings all around and the room begins to shake.)

Dumah: The lousy cheat plans to bury us all!

Janos: Almost dead No the oven just blew up.

(He then shakes his leader of his trance)

Dumah: Raziel we must flee!

(Sarafan Raziel does not move.)

Dumah: Damn it, wait I know. Raziel look out, it's a swarm of Care bears!

Sarafan Raziel: HOLY CRAP RUN!

(He runs out of the chamber, but then pops his head back in.)

Sarafan Raziel: Remember the sword, and the beer in the fridge.

(The Rest of the Sarafan run out of the chamber, Raziel then leaps down to Janos and kneels next to him.)

Raziel: Forgive me; I'm sorry - I screw you over.

Janos: No, Raziel

Perhaps this was purpose to have my ass kicked by your past incarnation which I'll never really know, or at least mention in later games.

Raziel: While I just stand listen to your yammering.

Janos: Embrace your destiny Raziel

And beware of the Sarafan, they make you listen to PedXing poetry while they kill you! UGH!

Dies

(Raziel bows his head in sorrow, not only because Janos is dead, but also because he forgot to ask him for some money to get lunch. As the chamber is rocked by another tremor, the place falling apart, Raziel steps away from Janos' body, and walks to the balcony.)

Raziel V.O: As I stepped away from his body, I felt sorry for his insurance bill, which would blow through the roof after this, and a growing self-loathing. I now disregarded everything about my past and was now set on getting revenge for Janos, and taking back the last beer.

(Raziel had talked to himself too long and didn't notice the crumbling stone about to fall, it landed right next to him and took him off guard and he fell.)

Raziel: AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! Wait a sec, I nearly forgot about my wings, I can just glide to -

SMACK!

(Raziel hit the frozen lake below and was knocked out, dumbass.)

Me: How was that? I can't believe it took me so long to get back to work on this, but fear not, I will be back really soon.

Please Review and I'll give all there fashionable coats.

Hippies: Fur is murder!

Me: It's not fur, it's made of Moebius.

Hippies: That's ok then.

The end, for now!