Inspired by an Evanescence song.be warned-has slashy themes.dont like, don't read. very simple.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, just the plot.
Rating: T for swearing.
Solitude
I watched you observantly; your every move, your every expression…every little thing you did, I saw.
I saw how her eyes watched you as if she loved you which of course she did. You both laughed but you never took your eyes off each other. Your hands played absent-mindedly with her long red hair and I knew then that you loved her too.
I wondered whether she knew what she had. Whether she realised that she would never find anyone so kind, so sweet, and as funny as you. I hoped she knew that. She looked down at her watch before saying she had to go. She leant in quickly to peck you on the cheek but instead met your lips as you pulled her into a deeper kiss than she intended. Slightly flustered, she said goodbye and hurried off to wherever she had to go. You watched her walk all the way there and carried on watching even after she left.
I looked away from this disgusted with myself. How could I love you? How dare I love you? You were completely in love with someone else. You were happier than I'd ever recalled you being and yet all I felt was jealousy: burning jealousy flowing through every inch of my body. Jealous that I wasn't the one you kissed goodbye; I wasn't the one you held so close to you; I wasn't the one you loved. Every time I saw you together, it hurt so much I can't even describe it to you.
She was a great girl. She treated you right. She loved you. You loved her. Hell, even I loved her (though in a completely different way.). She was always a good friend to everyone nevertheless I couldn't help but to hate her. I hated seeing you together- your arms around her waist, her hand in your hand, and her lips on yours….I couldn't stand it. So I did the easiest thing possible; I hated her.
So, I watched you. You carried on staring transfixed at where she'd previously stood, completely in awe.
"You love her don't you?" I asked you. You turned to look at me, a perfectly content smile on your lips.
"I do," you replied. "She's just…I love her." And I could tell that you did just by the way you spoke a bout her. But with each word you said, the pain in my chest grew stronger.
"So what's up with your love life?" You asked me, like I could tell you.
"Nothing." I replied. What else could I have said?
"You sure?" you questioned probably picking up that I was lying. "You can tell me." Well, no I really couldn't. How would I be able to tell you how I was feeling? How could I tell you that I was so fucking goddamned in love with you that it hurt to even think about? How was I supposed to tell you, one of my best friends, that I couldn't sleep at night because I was crying for you? That I couldn't stop wishing that you were mine? How could I tell you that?
But I'm, telling you now, several years too late. You're not here right now. You're out on some mission that not even I'm allowed to know. And still, I'm not brave enough to tell you face to face how much I still loved you, how even in my darkest nights I remembered you. I don't plan on you finding this unless something happens to me. I'm a coward. I know I am. Why else am I locked up in my parents' old home writing a letter to the only person I ever loved, just to hide it away?
If you are reading this, I bet you're wondering why I brought this memory up anyway. I don't know if you remember what happened next but I'll tell you anyway. I stormed off, fed up with you questioning me on my love life ignoring the obvious. You couldn't see me drowning in you, you couldn't see how much I needed you, how much I loved you. Oh, God, I loved you. I still love you. I can't stand not being with you. But back to the memory; I never told you why I stormed off or why I cried myself to sleep that night. It's just that when I saw you with her, I realised something which I should have realised a long time ago.
You see, it was then that I realised that my life meant nothing. I drove myself crazy pining over you, only to be left out in the cold once again. But I knew why then. I was destined to be alone. I'm not supposed to feel loved. Never once was I hugged by my mother or my father. I grew up unloved and I should have realised that my teenage years would be no different. I wasn't worthy of anyone's love. I'm still not worthy. I still loved though, even if my feelings could never be returned, I love you, I love prongs and lily and I love Harry. But I don't deserve to be loved by any of you. Sometimes when I'm trying to sleep at night, I imagine that I'm with you. You turn to look at me and it's the same way you looked at her all that time ago. It won't happen. I know it won't. I guess it wasn't meant to be.
So my love, I want to thank you for showing me what I've always needed to be shown. That I'm alone in every single thing I do. I'm alone forever and always alone. And that's how things are supposed to be.
Still yours eternally,
Sirius xxx
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Tictac-angelxxx