Chapter 31
A gun
It would be easy.
Simple.
Effective.
Clean.
A bit of a mess, but so what?
Quick.
No time to think.
Just pull the trigger and its over. I'm done.
So easy
Those were her thoughts as she opened up a wood case that sat on her dresser and removed the article inside of it. She looked back at herself in the mirror.
She was dressed in her full dress uniform complete with medals, red sash around her waist, and her sword at her side. She picked up the white gloves on her dresser and put them on, and then reached for her officer's cap, placing it on her head and making sure her uniform was up to par.
She looked like the picture of the perfect soldier. Her make-up was flawless. For her age, she still looked young, in great shape and strong. Her hair was still red, all though she wouldn't admit to using a bit of hair dye every now and again to keep the gray away. She was a raving beauty with a body that shaped her very well despite having given birth to three children.
She was every bit the capable commander, lethal soldier and dedicated patriot.
People saw her as unstoppable, unyielding, respected and they admired her for it.
She stared at the medals on her chest.
Medal of Valor, Expert Marksmen, EVA Pilot Unit 2, Good Conduct Medal, Purple Heart, Medal of Honor, Commander's Honor.
Then she looked at her dresser and saw the awards she had won.
"COLONEL ASUKA SORYU LANGELY IKARI
FIRST PLACE
NATIONAL WAR GAMES TOURAMENT, 2043"
"MAJOR ASUKA SORYU LANGELY IKARI
GRAND CHAMPION
BATTLE SIMULATION EXERCISE, 2035"
"LT. COLONEL ASUKA SORYU LANGELY IKARI
GRAND CHAMPION
WORLD BATTLE MECHA COMPETITION, 2038."
"IN HONOR OF EXCELLENCE & SUPERIOR LEADERSHIP, THIS PLAQUE GIVEN TO BGR. GENERAL ASUKA LANGELY SORYU IKARI ON THE 20TH DAY OF APRIL, 2051."
"BY ORDER OF THE EMPEROR OF JAPAN, THE RANK OF MAJOR GENERAL IS PROUDLY GIVEN TO BDG GEN. ASUKA LANGELY SORYU IKARI FOR OUSTANDING LEADERSHIP AND COMMAND ON THIS DAY THE 18TH OF JUNE 2052."
Then there was one, which she was most proud of and it wasn't presented by the military or by any formal organization.
But it was the one that meant the most to her out of them all.
It was a paper mache soldier, painted with a black uniform, holding out a sword, painted red hair and a cap on it, and done very poorly but a lot of effort went into it.
It was set on a wood block where there was a bronze plaque on it that read.
"TO THE BEST MOTHER AND WIFE ON HER 30TH BIRTHDAY
LOVE HOPE, SOUKE, REINA & SHINJI."
She gently touched it and smiled. She remembered the day she had received it and the children, all happy with smiling faces, screaming out.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!"
When Asuka first saw it, she thought, That is the most ugly thing I have ever seen in my life.
"We all made it for you."
But upon hearing that, she smiled widely and then thought. Its ugly but they spent hours making this, I love it.
Then she watched as Shinji came up to her with another box and opened it.
Her eyes nearly were full of tears as she saw them. Taking them out of the box, he put them on her neck and smiled as he said. "A string of pearls is not as beautiful as you are, its you who make them shine."
The kids all screamed out happily. "Happy birthday!"
Then Shinji gave her a quick birthday kiss as he smiled at her.
Shinji.
I miss him so much.
She took another breath as she walked over to her bed and stared at the article in her hand.
It's so hard to make this decision.
The mission would fail.
The world could end.
Hope.
Souke.
Reina.
Shinji.
I want to be with Shinji.
No, I can't.
I can't.
There's too much at stake.
I can't do this.
I don't want to live.
I have to.
I promised I would.
I don't want to but if I do it I'll break that promise.
Would he be angry?
Yes but, he'd forgive me eventually…wouldn't he?
She stared down at the gun in her hand as she sat down on her bed. She held it and breathed in and out as a tear came out of her eye. It was late in the afternoon as she looked at the clock.
Souke's probably on his way to Kyoto by now.
Report back to the base by Wednesday. Bereavement time is over.
I can't do this.
I'll pass it to someone else.
I'll quit.
I can't do this anymore.
I don't want to live.
This gun is the ceremonial pistol given the day an officer becomes a General. Misato pinned my first star on me and tied the red sash around my waist. She saluted me. I saluted back.
"Congratulations, General Ikari."
I was so proud. They gave me the gun in its wood case. It's beautiful. Silver with white trim. This is the type of weapon fitting a general with its single star on the grip. Shinji stood up and applauded, cheering as loud as anyone. The kids shouted their happiness too. It was such a great day.
A week ago was the worst day of my life.
My love is gone. My husband: father of my children, my lover, and my best friend.
How could it be?
Why?
Why couldn't they have killed me instead?
He never did anything wrong!
He just…. did his duty.
Did what he needed to.
Why did do they do that?
This pistol could end my life.
Free me.
No more obligations.
No more duty and honor.
Nothing.
Death.
Escape.
Free to be with him again.
She took a breath as she picked up the bullet that sat beside her on the bed and stared at it.
One bullet.
At close range it would kill me instantly.
No pain.
A shot.
Then death.
Over.
Done.
Finished.
It's too much this pain.
I can't live with it.
I'm empty.
Alone.
Barren.
Heartbroken.
I can't find my strength or my will.
I feel like I am just an empty shell.
My children will hate me for this.
I don't care.
I was used to being hated at one time.
I want to be selfish.
Take care of me and no one else!
I should.
I want this.
Its okay.
Justified.
The mission may fail.
I don't care.
Hope may fail.
No she won't, too strong.
She knows what to do.
I can't do this!
She clutched the bullet and made her hand into a fist, shaking it angrily. She shut her eyes as a tear came out and slid down her cheek falling onto her lap.
Get it over with.
Do it.
Do it all ready.
You're a coward.
You admit it.
You don't want to be lonely anymore.
You know that.
Fuck your pride.
Fuck your strength.
To hell with what people will think
Do this for yourself.
My children.
I love my children.
I can't do this to them
To hell with it!
They'll be okay.
They have each other.
They are strong.
I'm sorry.
I love you all but I have to do this.
I miss your Dad so much and I want to be with him.
She took a breath as she took the bullet and opened the chamber of the pistol, loading the gun and then sliding the action back as she heard it click into place.
Staring down at the gun once more, she had another thought.
Don't do this.
You promised you would live for both him and you.
I promised to do all the things we always counted on doing.
Retiring in Germany together.
Watch our children get married
Watching our grandchildren play on the front lawn.
Travel all over.
We promised each other that.
I have to do it.
NO! I don't want to live alone for the rest of my life.
That's it.
I'm done.
She held the pistol in her hand and slowly bought it up against her head against her left temple. She closed her eyes and tried to relax.
It'll be easy.
Just pull the trigger.
Pull it.
Pull it, damn you!
Do it!
DO IT!
"Asuka!"
Her eyes opened and she gasped.
"Shinji!" She said in a shocked voice as her eyes widened while she shook.
He was looking back at her with an angry face, glaring at her.
"What are you doing, Asuka…"
It's only your imagination! She said to herself as she squeezed her eyes shut and breathed out.
Ignore it.
Do it!
Do it all ready!
Then she heard what was really said. "…Ma! Ma! Ma, do you hear me? Mom, what are you doing?"
He's not there! It's not him! He's dead! He's not here! Ignore it! Pull the trigger, Coward!
"MA! MA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MA?"
She breathed in, shaking.
"PUT THE GUN DOWN NOW, MA!"
She opened her eyes slowly and looked back.
"Souke…" She said in a hushed voice.
It wasn't Shinji but it could have been.
"I SAID," He yelled out. "PUT THE GUN DOWN, MOM!"
He had the same angry look on his face that Shinji would get.
Right now for all intensive purposes, it was as if Shinji was there. She thought to herself. He looks just like him. It could very well be him. Oh my God, he scared the shit out of me. He looked just like a younger version of Shinji and his voice is identical to his father's.
"Ma, please…. put…the gun…. down." He said as he stood in the doorway and looked at her nervously.
"I thought you left to go home?" Asuka said in a shaky voice.
"I did. I came back." He told her. "I had a feeling something wasn't right and that I needed to come back here."
"Go out the door, Souke." Asuka told him. "Go right now. Walk out the door, Souke. Leave me alone."
"No, Ma."
"DO AS I SAY!" Asuka roared.
"No, Ma." He said firmly as he walked into the room.
"I'll pull this trigger! So help me! I will, Souke! I'll do it!" Asuka said.
"No, Ma, you won't." He told her as he stared into her eyes. "You wouldn't do that with your son standing in front of you. Put the gun down now, Ma. I can stop you, Ma. Don't make me."
"Go out the door, Souke." Asuka said.
"No." He said firmly. "Ma, don't do this." Souke told her gently.. "I know you're hurting. I know you miss Dad but Dad wouldn't want this for you! You promised him to live! Did you forget that, Ma? You'd be breaking your promise and he would never forgive you for it. Don't be selfish, Ma. Let me help you. Give me the gun, Ma."
"No!" Asuka seethed through clenched teeth. "Get out, Souke!"
"Give it to me right now!" He growled.
"Souke, go now." Asuka told him.
"Okay, Ma." Souke said as he looked at her angrily and reached inside of his jacket.. "Check this out!"
"Souke, what…"
Pulling his gun out of his holster underneath his jacket, he slid the action back and put it flush against his left temple. "Happy now, Ma?"
"What are you doing?" Asuka asked angrily. "Why are you carrying a gun? Why are you doing that, Souke?"
"Why did I have a gun, Ma? To protect you! Now, I'm telling you, Ma, if you do it, I'll do it!" Souke said to her angrily.
"Souke!" Asuka growled. "Stop it!"
"Isn't the way it's always been in our family, Ma?" Souke asked in anger. "Where you go, I go. If you go, I GO, MA!"
"Knock it off, Souke!" Asuka growled.
"No, Ma. If you're going to take the coward's way out, so will I. I'm your son. I'm just like you, right? Everyone says I look like Dad but when it comes down to it, I'm just like you, Ma! So why not be just like Mom, right?" Souke asked angrily. "Why not do what General Asuka is gonna do? If you pull that trigger, Ma, so…will…. I!"
"You're bluffing." Asuka said angrily. "I'll do it, Souke! I don't care!"
"You don't care? Bullshit, Ma! I'd like to see you do it, General! Go ahead, Ma!" He barked out. "Pull the trigger. Go ahead and pull the trigger, Ma, and if you do that, then you'd kill me too."
"Souke…." Asuka said as a tear came out of her eye.
"Three generations of Langley Soryu all killing themselves. Wow, what a family legacy." Souke mocked.
Asuka breathed in as she looked at him, her bottom lip shook as her eyes welled up with tears. "How do you know about that?" She growled. "I never told you that!"
"Let's just say I know." Souke said. "Are you following in your mother's footsteps, Ma? Are you gonna be like her? Are you turn me into the way you used to be before you met Dad? It's a good thing I'm going to kill myself then. I'd rather be dead then having to live with the memory of you firing a bullet into your brain!"
"Souke…. you…. little…." Asuka growled through tears.
"Well, Ma what are you waiting for? Let's get it over with! Pull the trigger, Ma." Souke growled. "End my life! How about this, Ma? How about I pull my trigger first? Would you like that, Ma? Huh? Would you? Do you want to see your son's head blown off? Do you?"
"Don't you get snappish with me!" Asuka growled.
"Snappish?" Souke scoffed. "Ma, what does it matter? You're gonna do it, right? So, why not I go first and then you can follow, okay? I'm telling you, Ma, if you go, I will go, Ma. I swear to you!"
Asuka and Souke stared at each other both of them not moving. Souke noticed that her hand with the gun was starting to shake and her eyes were welling up with tears.
"Ma…. don't." He said to her gently.
"Souke…" She said as she tried to hold back her sobs.
"Don't."
Asuka stared at him and then slowly bought the gun down and put the safety back on.. Souke kept the gun at his head as he watched her.
She slid the chamber open and took the bullet out. Then she held her hand out to him with the pistol lying in her palm.
Souke pulled his gun away and went over to her, taking the gun from her hand and placing it on the table.
"Ma, why?" He asked her in a whisper.
He put his safety back on his pistol and placed it next to her gun. He stared at her and then sat beside her on the bed, Asuka's head was bowed.
"Are you going to tell anyone about this?" Asuka asked.
"That depends, Mom." Souke told her.
"On what?" She asked.
"On whether or not, you ever try anything like this again." He told her angrily as he looked at her. Then, he calmed himself down and spoke gently to her. "Mom, you can talk to me. Let me help you, Mom. Mama, please talk to me."
Asuka looked at her son and he saw a tear come out of her eye. Without her saying a word, Souke knew in an instant what it was.
"You miss Dad."
Asuka nodded her head as she looked at him. "So much."
"Mama, Dad wouldn't want you to do this. Sure, Mom, you could end your pain with one pull of that trigger but my pain and Hope's pain and Reina's pain would be so much. Don't you love us, Mama? Why would you do that to us? Mama, your mother killed herself, didn't she?"
Asuka looked away as he said it. She shut her eyes and her fists clenched. "Your father told you, didn't he?"
"Yes." Souke said. "He told me that a long time ago."
"Why the hell did he do that for?" Asuka asked angrily. "Idiot! Baka Shinji! Why?"
"I'll tell you why, Ma, because there's something you don't know about me." Souke said as he breathed in. "When I was fifteen, scrawny, not sure of myself, all the kids at school picked on me. Mama, you don't know this but I took out your gun one day and almost shot myself."
"You did what?" Asuka asked with surprise.
"Dad came home early from work and I was in my room crying. I had your pistol. You left the case unlocked and I knew how to load it. So I did and then I looked at it and kept thinking, it would be so easy to do it. I didn't feel like I was worth anything, Mom. I felt alone and angry. I felt scared and unsure. My best friend was Hope and that first year she went away to the academy, I missed her so much. Reina and me we didn't have much in common as kids. I loved my little sister but she couldn't run around with me or do the things I wanted to. None of the kids at school liked me. I felt lonely."
"Souke, why didn't you ever say anything to us?" Asuka asked.
Souke smiled at her and said. "Then, I saw Dad. Dad came in my room because he heard crying from my room and he saw me with the gun. Dad yelled at me at first and took the gun away. Then he sat down next to me and he talked to me. Dad told me that things could be bad but there's always a way to make them better. He said that things always come together in a way to make sense, Mama. I said that my life was horrible and I didn't want to be lonely. Then he said, imagine what it would do to us all if you did something like that?"
"What did he tell you?" Asuka asked.
Souke held her hand and then said. "He said to me he was going to tell me something he shouldn't about you. He said when you were small; about seven or eight, you had just gotten word that you were going to do something great. You couldn't wait to tell your mother and you ran into the house all happy and excited. Then you went into a room and saw your mother had hung herself."
Asuka's eyes widened as she looked away, taking a deep breath and then closing her eyes as she fought back tears.
"Dad told me that after you saw that, it changed you. You became cold and unfeeling. You were selfish and egotistical. You were cruel. You had a wall around you and you shut people out. You shut out Dad for a long time. He told me that your defenses were how you used to boast about being the best and how you didn't need anyone…. but, you did. Dad broke through your walls, Mom, and he made you feel love, happiness and safety "
"Yes, he did." Asuka whispered as she looked back at Souke. "He did that and more."
"Mama," Souke told her softly. "Dad told me that every person matters in this world and that there is someone who loves that person. He said, that right now things are bad but they will get better. Then Dad came over to me and took the pistol away. He put it back in your case and he locked it. Then Dad said, c'mon, Souke, let's go outside and work on the house for a bit. I didn't want to but Dad said that was my punishment but it wasn't really. Dad showed me what to do and how to fix stuff.. Dad spent the whole afternoon with me, just talking to me about what it is to be a man, and what it takes to survive in this world. Dad said to me, that someday someone would see me, the real me, and that will be the person whom I'd want to be with forever. Dad said to me, why not when you feel lonely come with me for a while and we'll work together or do something fun. I did that, Mom. Do you remember when I was a teenager and I used to go with Dad to work during the summer and stuff?'
Asuka nodded. "Yeah. You grew a lot during that time and became stronger."
"I know." Souke told her. "You remember what happened after that?."
"You met your best friend Shoni. Then he introduced you to Literu and you had your first kiss with her and went to the prom with her, and then became Mr. Popularity in college. I remember, Souke."
"Yeah." Souke said with a smile. " Dad encouraged me to be more. You know after that, I felt so much better. I felt like I could do anything and when I felt like I had more, I got more, Mama. I did that. If I had done what I was going to do, Mama, I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't have done all of those things. I wouldn't have become a cop, and then decided to be a lawyer. I wouldn't have graduated at the top and I wouldn't be here with you now. What I'm getting at is, Dad made so much sense and he said that if anything ever happened to me so many people would be empty without me in their lives. Mama, if you did something like you were going to do, we would all be so empty without you. We need you as much as you need us. Dad made me see clear that day. Now, Dad is gone and you're hiding inside of yourself again. No one can get through to you or you won't let them. Mama, don't do that. Mama, I would think from seeing your own mother kill herself that you would never want to do that to your own children."
Asuka breathed in and shut her eyes as she heard her son. She put her hand over her mouth, and squeezed her eyes shut. She began to sob and tried to stop herself from crying but she thought to herself. He's right. He's so right.
"Mama, you have so much to live for now." Souke told her as he smiled. "Dad told you he wanted you to live long and well. He wouldn't want you to kill yourself so you could be with him."
Asuka continued to cry and Souke felt his own tears as he watched her. .
"Let it go, Mama. Let it all come out."
Asuka sobbed loudly as she raised her head. "Souke…. I'm so weak!" She admitted as she turned her head away.
"No, you aren't." Souke told her gently. "You're just missing your husband and its okay to feel that way, Ma."
"I miss him so goddamned much, Souke! I think…. I hear him sometimes. I can still feel him here." Asuka said painfully. "I can smell him at night. It hurts so much. It hurts more then you could ever imagine."
"I miss him too, Mama." Souke said to her. "I know what my father wanted for me though and I won't let him down. As his wife, you shouldn't either. More so, Mama, you have a duty to your country. Duty and honor is what you believe. Its what you've always taught us. Its what I believe too. You are in charge of a major operation and you can't fail. Mom, if you had killed yourself today then, all of that would have vanished and possibly all of the Earth. Mama, you can grieve. No one says that you can't. No one says that you can't miss Dad. You can. You're allowed to. You're supposed to but you can't leave us. Too many people need you, Mom. Too many people respect you and admire you. You are Major General Asuka Ikari and you need to remember that. If you were to do this today, SEELE would have won and Dad, Isao and everyone who's suffered because of those bastards would have died in vain."
"You seem to know everything, don't you?" She asked with a smile.
"I've known for a while, Ma. I never told you or Dad but when I discovered that Isao was killed and SEELE operatives were arrested. The truth was concealed and all of us were warned never to talk about it. I quit that day. I didn't want to have to keep hiding things and lie. Also, yeah, I did want to be a lawyer. It was always in the back of my mind but being a cop was like…. cool. I realized though being a lawyer meant more to me."
"I'm sorry I never told you." Asuka said tearfully. "I wanted to protect all of you. I never told your Dad the truth about his cancer. I knew if he knew SEELE did that to him, he would always worry about all of you. I couldn't do that to him."
"I've known that too for a long time, Ma and I've kept the secret for the exact same reason." He told her.
"When did you get so wise?" She asked her son tearfully as she smiled at him.
"I was taught by the best." He told her gently. "You and Dad gave me so much and you still do. Mama, this family needs you. You can't leave us. You have to do what you promised our father you would do. Remember? You promised him. Have you ever broken a promise to Dad?"
"No." Asuka said in a whisper. "Never."
"Mama, don't start now." He told her. "Dad asked you to be strong for all of us but Dad asked us to be strong for you too and to look after you, and make sure you know you are never alone. You aren't alone. We are here for you, Mama and we love you."
Asuka looked back at her son and sobbed loudly. He wrapped his arms around her and held her as she cried.
"Mama, fight back." He whispered. "Find your strength, Mama. Look deep inside of yourself and it will be there. Let us give it you. Let us be your strength."
Then a phrase came into Asuka's mind and she hadn't remembered where or when she heard it. "…what mankind has thrown out of balance will be balanced by the destiny of one…."
She looked back into his face and he smiled at her. She smiled at him as a tear came out of her eye and she lightly touched his cheek. "You look like so much like your father." She told him gently. "Souke, I miss him so. I feel so empty inside. I feel so alone. Your Dad meant the world to me, Souke. Without him, I only feel like I'm half alive."
"That's why you need to remember him and keep the promise you made him close to your heart." Souke told her. "Mama, Dad wants you to aspire to great things. Dad doesn't want you to be alone or hurt. Dad wants you to be happy. Dad needs you to be the best you've always been, shine like you've always shined and love with your whole heart."
Asuka cried again as she recognized the dying words of her husband come from her son's mouth and Souke held her against him once more.
"Mama, its okay." He told her. "I'll stay here with you and you can cry on me. That's okay. I'll be your strength now, Mama. I'll take care of you, just like I promised my father I would do."
(Okay that's it for now…we're only a couple of chapters away from the end. I hope you are enjoying the story. I'm having a ball writing it. See ya on the next update. Peace.)