A.N. - I know I hadn't updated forever, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I WILL finish this story, I promise. I hate leaving things halfway. I actually haven't visited ffnet for so long either, the Darren Shan section looks totally different and so many new names are around (or is it just that people changed their pennames?)

Anyway, here it is, and enjoy the unavoidable OCness of this chapter! (I'll try and update more often, 's just the uni exams are killing me)

Taste of Love

XI: Abyss

There's this unexplainable amalgamated lump of emotions stuck in my head right now. I don't know what they are. And I wouldn't have cared, if they'd shut up and stop pounding at my mind. But they didn't. So I am extremely grumpy. And naturally, that leads to being extremely hungry. So I decided to do what every moping or grumpy teenager in my hometown used to do. Go and stuff myself with food.

There weren't many in the Great Hall - just a few taking a midnight snack, and in the corner I spotted Vancha March talking to Seyle. He waved when he saw me, and beckoned me to them. I didn't feel like socializing, but thinking it would be rude to ignore him, decided to obey.

'Kurda! You did terrifically, I heard, I'm so proud of you!'

Seyle exclaimed, his face all-smile, his eyes wide open and admiring like a puppy's. Suddenly the lump in my head explodes. There are a million things I want to say to Seyle, but they don't become words - I just choked on nothing, and flopped to the ground, unaware of the tears running down my cheeks. Seyle's smile dropped, as he knelt in front of me and embraced me awkwardly.

'Shhh. . . .Kurda, . . . it's alright. . . . do you want to talk?'

I nodded into his shoulder, sniffling. I don't even know why the hell I'm crying. This is so embarrassing. I want to kill myself. Seyle sent Vancha a glance, who nodded and walked away, giving us privacy. Seyle somehow managed to pull me up onto a seat, and gave me a mug of hot-chocolate to sip on. I told Seyle, between chokes and sniffles, about what Vanez almost did to me a few minutes ago - and how I have no idea why I'm so miserable right now. Seyle gave me a long steady stare, and then smiled.

'You're just in love with him.'

I choked on the hot-chocolate.

'I'm what?'

'Don't tell me it hadn't occurred to you. You're in love with him, desperately, and hopelessly. You're so in love with him that you have no idea what you're gonna do with yourself.'

'I am not!'

'Stop denying it and listen to your mind, will you?' Seyle snapped, 'You want him just as much as he wants you, if not more. You wanted to have sex with him, you want to have a relationship with him, and you want him to love you. And heaven damn me if I'm wrong.'

'But you can't prove that I love him!'

'I'm not trying to prove it, idiot! I'm asking you to feel it and accept it! From you, I expect no better. Just accept it. And stop moping and looking like your dog died, just because you didn't get to shag him.'

'But Seyle!'

'Snap out of it, Kurda! You're like a teenage girl moping over an unhappy love-affair. It took me less than a day to get over Vanez. Show me you can do better by claiming him yours.'

'But. . . . . . .'

'Just go tell him.'

'But. . . . '

'Honestly, man, if I hear another 'but', I will grab your legs and hang you upside down over the stakes in the Hall of Death and shake you around until you admit your love for him! Now, do you love him or not?'

'. . . . .I . . . do.'

I choked, surprising half myself to the fact I admitted. The other half was glad with relief. I probably had feelings for Vanez since the first day we met; I just refused to let that feeling seep into my mind, to take over me. . . I refused to admit it. And now that I had - I felt so much better. The lump in my stomach, head and throat had melted into warm fuzzy happy feelings, if not somewhat clichéd. Seyle smiled, his dimples deep, his emerald eyes twinkling.

'You know what to do then, yes?'

'. . . . . Yes.'

'He's in the Sports Hall. I saw him training earlier.'

Seyle said no more, but stood up and walked over to Vancha who was waiting at the other side of the hall. I watched them leave, feeling better than before - but nervous about going to see Vanez.

Vanez was leaning against a wall, feet stretched out in front as he sat and smoked with his eyes closed. It was the first time I saw him after he realised the love I felt for him - and it was weird. It was like seeing Vanez with a whole new light - it just. . . took my breath away.

Vanez opened his eyes lazily and smiled a little, beckoning me closer. I sat next to him against the wall, as Vanez puffed some smoke out into the air and sighed;

'I guess you couldn't get to sleep either?'

'. . . I. . . . yeah.'

'Look, I'm. . . . really sorry about. . .'

'Don't be.'

'. . . . . . ? But I tried to rape you!'

'No you didn't.'

I said, clearly, and smiled. Vanez turned his whole body to look at me, surprised and confused at the same time, by the looks. Spit it out, Kurda, you can do it you can do it yes you can yes you can. I took a deep breath, and, feeling my cheeks burn, explained.

'Well. . . . you can't rape the willing, can you?'

Okay, deep shit, bad move, where's the knife, I need to stab something, someone, myself, even. Vanez looked away suddenly, shifting a little, his expression suddenly one of deep guilt, regret and - and something else I couldn't quite decipher. Well, that went smooth, didn't it, real smooth, Kurda, great move. NOT. I've got to fix things up, this is way too awkward, and oh god I'm shaking with nervousness.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean - dammit, I did mean it but it came out wrong, I don't know how to say it, Seyle told me to, I had it planned, I swear, sorry, I'm sorry, it's just that I have no damn clue how to say it, but I have to, I really have to, but I can't, because it's you, it's you, 'cause I know what you've been through, and I didn't want you to get the wrong idea, which probably is the right idea anyway, but I know you won't like it, I just do, and and um, er. . .and uh. . .ah - ' I choked, spluttered and coughed, and blurted out the rest, ' - I think I'm in love with you.'

Now wasn't that great. One of the greatest romantic speeches of all time, I bet. I, am such, a loser. And my face is as hot as an empty frying pan left to crack and break on a camp fire.

Silence, more silence, and Vanez dropped his cigarette. It smokes on the ground, but no one cares to smear it in. Talk about awkwardness. This was one of the most awkward moments I have ever experienced, I could have sworn. It's even worse than when I woke up on top of my Sire, and let's not go there because that wasn't exactly a pleasurable memory either.

I really need to break the silence.

'. . . I'm not sure, Vanez, because. . . I don't want to fail the trial, because if I die you'd die. I don't want you to die, and that's what kept me going, that's why I survived the trials, because of you, all because of you, and I'd do anything to make you happy, to make you proud, to make you love me. I acted like such a brat because I didn't want to admit - admit that. . . . do I love you, Vanez, is what I'm feeling love, because I don't know what love is. . . .What is love, Vanez, and . . . do you love me?'

I bit my lip and tried to suppress a whimper. Great, now I'm crying. I made perfectly no sense in saying anything, and now I'm a bawling mess. I buried my face into my knees and cried some more. I'm going to kill Seyle, I swear, it was his goddamn idea, and he will pay for it. Suddenly Vanez groaned, put his arms around my shoulders and whispered:

'I've. . . . forgotten how to love, Kurda. I could want you so badly some times, but I doubt it's. . .'

'Please, Vanez, say that you love me, please. . .'

Love me, love me, love me - I couldn't cope if you said that you don't, what am I supposed to do if you didn't - oh god, damn, stupid, idiot, I think I'm going insane, since when had I become a dependent bitch? I'm such a mess. Vanez took his arms away from me, and left me craving for that contact again. He eyed me seriously, and opened his mouth.

'I don't say things I don't mean, Kurda.'

I froze. Does he mean it, oh god does he mean it? I'm feeling sick. Light-headed. Nausea. Vanez continues, but I couldn't look at him any more. Instead I stared at the ground. I didn't want to listen. I didn't. I really didn't.

'Besides - even if I did, they'd be empty words. Do you want to hear me lie to you? Do you want false words of love - what's the use, Kurda, if they're lies, and nothing more? I have only said it to one person - truly, from my heart, to one person - you know who it was, and no one, no one can replace her. I'm sorry that I pushed this too far, I didn't think you'd. . .' his voice broke, and he too looked guilty and teary, 'you'd feel so serious about this.'

What does he mean, serious, was this all a joke, all just a stupid joke? I glared at him, face contorted with disgust and loathing.

'Damn you, Vanez! What were all those kisses, all those touches, did they mean nothing to you? Was I just a toy, was it just a game, nothing more but a game to see if you can seduce the stupid naive blonde? You know I'm not the sort of guy who can take a joke - I take everything seriously, unlike you, unlike you, you filthy bastard! I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU!'

I stood up abruptly and my tears flew onto Vanez's face in a salty splatter. He stared at me blankly, biting his lip apologetically. I needed something, something like a plate to throw at him - but there was nothing to throw, so instead I span around and ran off, unable to take any more of the searing pain somewhere deep inside my mind.

I went to the Princes' Hall with Gavner. He didn't know what to ask me, I was obviously in such a mess. He just gave me a swift, firm hug, and that was all he could think of. But it helped. Maybe Gavner would love me - no, that was a crazy thought, he was like my brother, my dad, and I knew who I loved. Even though it was so painfully unrequited, it wasn't going to stop any time soon. Humans, even vampires, aren't built that strong.

Paris was there. He didn't ask why my face looked like a squished tomato, thank the Gods. He commented that I was quite late to come and draw the trial - the last trial - I apologised half-heartedly, staring blankly at the bag of stones pushed in front of me.

Cold, round stones.

I picked one.

It was small and smooth and cold.

This would be my death, probably.

In this state, I doubted I'd even be able to swallow a mouthful of water without pouring it down my front.

I wondered absentmindedly if the trial rules had exceptions that vampires could take a day off the trials if they were badly heartbroken.

I pulled the stone out.

I gave it to Paris, who read it out.

"Hall of Flames."

Gavner rapidly went the same colour as the stone Paris was holding. Paris bit his lip. I blinked at both of them. This must be bad, I hoped it would be a swift death.

'Shit, shit, shit, shit,' Gavner pulled at his messy hair with both his hands, then briefly thanked the elderly Prince, and dragged me hurriedly out of the Hall.

'Dammit, Kurda, this is bad! We hardly have time, damn, I never thought the last would be the worst!'

Wah, this sounds great. I started to wonder if my logic just floated away somewhere, because I didn't seem to kick into panic mode. I was still in 'moping mode', and was planning to be so for at least a few more days - but now it looked as though I wouldn't live to mope that long, for the better or for the worse. Maybe I shouldn't have picked today to confess my deepest feelings to my tutor. Damn Seyle.

'Kurda, we need to get to Vanez. I don't know what happened between you and him, but we can't bother about that right now, you really need his help!'

'I can't. . . I . . .'

'LISTEN TO ME! We NEED his help! Which part of those four words don't you understand, Kurda Smahlt?'

'I was hoping we'd get away without doing this trial. This trial, - ' he swallowed hard, 'has a survival rate of 10 percent or less.'

In front of Gavner, Vanez behaved like nothing ever happened, and I felt like smashing the damn redhead's scull open with a candleholder that happened to be next to me. He crossed his lean, tanned arms, frowning deep in thought.

'We have no time to waste, Kurda. Gavner, is Arra in the Mountain?'

'No, she left last week.'

'Shit.'

'I'll help all I can.'

'Thanks. Can you go clear the practice room?'

'Right.'

Gavner nodded, and sped off towards the direction of where the practice maze was. Great. Now I'm left with an intensely awkward situation. I crossed my arms, shifting my weight from one foot to another, and cleared my throat.

'So. . . is it that hard?'

'Hell, yes! You've got to survive what seems to literally be the pits of hell for a whole 15 minutes. If you're lucky, you'll be a sizzled, barely-alive, immobile piece of meat by the end.'

. . . . Lucky? Nay, he must have been kidding, he's just trying to make me feel insecure, to get me back for yelling at him, the bastard.

'And what if I'm. . . .not . . . . lucky?'

'You'll be burnt to ashes on the ground. Little black pieces of coal will be your only remains.'

'You're making me stress.'

'This is the time to stress, Kurda.'

'No use moping about, you need all the time you have. Wake your damn head up, don't stand there like an imbecile, we've got no time to lose! Do some of the warm-ups I've taught you, until Gavner comes back. I'll go fetch some appropriate clothes for you.'

It hurt. It hurt to watch him care about me, at least pretend to care about me, as he taught me how to get through the trial. I didn't know now, if he was doing this for me, or for himself so that he wouldn't have to fulfil his oath. I hate him, but I love him. God I'm one heck of a screwed up vampire.

'LISTEN for it, Kurda, dodge when you hear the hiss. There, there it is right now, DODGE! Dammit, can't you get a hint? This is the only way you'll survive, now LISTEN!'

'. . . . . . . . . .Sorry.'

'MOVE YOUR FEET, are you one-legged?'

'I am moving my feet!'

'Not nearly as enough! You want to sizzle?'

'. . . . what sort of a stupid question is that? NO.'

'Then MOVE YOUR FEET, you half-wit, and CONCENTRATE!'

'How dare you call me half . . . OUCH!'

'See what I mean?'

Vanez pulled me out of the way just in time as a huge rafter of flames erupted behind me (Gavner, Seyle and Vancha were blowing fire through the pipes, into the room for me to practice).

'They're going to be much faster in the real thing, Kurda, so for god's sakes, WAKE UP!'

'. . . . . . . Sorry.'

Damn it, not now, I can't cry now. I shook Vanez's hand off, and started over again. It hurt. His touch hurt now. I longed for it so much that it hurt.

A.N. - Aheeem. I know, my writing styles have probably changed a lot since last chapter - that's partly why I didn't want to update. The other part is that this chapter was very important, and I doubted it was good enough. Oh well, there it was, and I really hope you don't hate it as much as I do.

Now for my beloved beloved readers whom I will slobber over and LOVE because your reviews have kept me going. Keep it up, dudes, even one word can make my day. (Of course, I absolutely ADORE long reviews)

Showjumper916

Meh, so was my computer. We had all these trojan viruses, so we bought a new computer and now we're fine! Is your e-mail working yet? Have you gotten a ffnet address? XDDD I'm glad I made you anxious about Kurda dying, it's great to hear, as an author, that I've made the reader feel something, at least.

Silver Sky Magician

Yes, of course you're still allowed to read - if you want to, of course. I'm not going to do graphic lemon or anything, so you'll be fine. Nothing you haven't read. I'm glad you joined the forum - I can't really access it very often now, but I'll try to get there as much as possible. I love Ed too! He's so grown up and funny (especially when people call him shorty) - I have the whole series on the computer, and I'm watching it over and over - I've got to go and watch the movie when it comes out, have you seen the trailer? Ed has a ponytail XDDD and he seems a little taller! Mustang and Alphonse are my favourite, though. Hughes is great too XD Yes, L'arcenCiel is the band that sang Ready Steady Go. I have all of their CDs and videos XD Do you want any?

Inyx

Not that I haven't already talked to you a lot about this, but I'll reply anyway XD You saying that Vanez is a naughty naughty man made me laugh so much XDD I'm so proud I made you swoon - I feel like i did a worthwhile job when people actually feel things XD Squish, slop, splatter sounds so wrong XDD I'd LOVE to see a video clip like that, you have the craziest ideas, I love you I love you I love you XDD And you helped me so much with last chapter, as you did with this one. Thankyou. I don't know how to thank you enough, if not by writing you a fic XD I bet you liked how Kurda got beaten to pulps mentally in this chapter, because no matter how many hours I spend trying to convert you, you never really ended up liking Kurda so much. XDD Vanez sorting the underwear from each conquest is the funniest thing! Just had a beautiful mental image. Do they smell, or does he wash them before hand - or does he smell them and remember 'the day' (or night). Yay! Vancha is my honeyfluffle then XD hugs Vancha gets axe in side from jealous Harkat You still haven't given me your writings on Seyle - you have to, ne? puppydog eyes

cold-night09

I'm glad you liked the chapter - because, as you know, I suck at trials XD I hope this one was better than last. Yes, Vanez is very impulsive - but he's a nice person overall, really, he is. Which book are you up to now? Has Canada gotten to importing book 7? We're finished the series here, and the next Darren Shan's series is coming out next month or next next month. Have you finished with FFX? I cried so much at the end . . . .Auron. . . TT Yeah, Vancha has green hair and wears purple furs. Anyway, how's your school life going?

clam theif

I got a gaiaonline account, but have no idea at all how to use it XDD Sorry! I seem to be totally naked and moneyless, so I have no idea what to do next. Online relationship? XDD That's interesting. I've had a few of those, but it ended up being a girl pretending to be a 35 yr old man, or something close to that. Stupid internet. You should be careful, too. Meh, I can't write what you'd call the 'real thing' on ffnet, because they'd kick me off - so it would just be mild lime.

lilyatenfae

Thanks for the review! Are you a writer here? I'd love to read your fics if you could sign in and review again XDD anyway, thanks!

venca blane

I'm sorry I haven't been able to e-mail you - I hardly check my e-mail address now, so if you want to, e-mail me at my hotmail address, michilulily. Hope to hear from you again!

Alasse Fefalas

Aaand so you got to see where it went XDD I hope you liked it, and thanks for the review!

The Freaky Butt Mate

I don't think I can include rapage - I'd get kicked off ffnet if I did. TT Damn. I'm glad you liked the trial, though. XDDD kurda fussing about his hair is so funny, I love the way you think huggles you YES, gaggage is good. Gag him, Vanez! XDDD Thanks for your review, as always, tis one of my most treasured ones.

S-A

I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter! XDD Hopefully it will totally be Kurda shagging Vanez forcefully next time. In the mud, as you say. Nice lubricant XDD Your imagination just keeps going and going, doesn't it, I love you! huggles you XDDD You give me the most frightfully delicious images, my lovely lovely friend! Of course Mika will let you be his slave, how could ANYONE resist such a cute girl? Thankyou, as always, for your wonderfully delicious reviews! eats you

phantome101

XDD I'm glad you liked Kurda talking to the fireflies - I was a little stressed when writing, I actually was talking to flies and things in the room XDD I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thanks for your kind review!

Kirin the Vampiress

XDD Creepy, I agree. Yeah, Vanez is desperate. . . but not for love, morelike for sex. I do that too! I sometimes read books out loud XDD We're both freaks, aren't we? I bet, though, everyone does. They just don't want to admit it XDD Yes, Vancha is such a cute vampire - who wouldn't love him, you know XD Ew! You want to see hairy PE teachers? Ew - I'd much rather have hot bi hair-less teachers XDD That's so disturbing that hairiness turns you on XDD Ew XD You drew a picture of Vanez and a donkey? XDD That's SO KEWL, I really want to see it XDD

AuraTheOutlaw

Thankyou! I'm glad you like them, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter too.

yayfulness

XDD You flatter me. I'm glad you liked it so much - I hope you liked this one too! Thanks for reviewing!