Um… yeah I really can't explain this chapter except that well… it's late, school is one day away (oh no), and I've had too much caffiene.
Caroline if you had been awake when I put up the second chapter I'm sure you would have made a review... so... here's a premptive thanks. :D
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Pippin or any thing that I.. er.. borrow from.
Now, out in the Forbidden Forrest Voldemort and his minions (which currently included 7 squirrels, a sheep, a sulking Draco Malfoy, a chocolate frog, and of course the stuttering Professor Quirrell.)
"Stop pouting young Malfoy you'll be able to go up to the castle soon." Voldemort said in his whisper-y voice.
Malfoy crossed his arms across his chest and frowned, "I need to put rollers in my beautiful blonde hair. And I have to get 9 hours of sleep every night or I'll have dark circles under my eyes… and… my back hurts. Look at the state of my shoes…"
"ENOUGH COMPLAINING," said Voldemort as loud as he could without waking the inhabitants of Hogwarts. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-But-Has-Been-Named-Several-Times-In-This-Fanfic started, "Gentlemen be seated."
Obediently the squirrels and everyone else was seated on a stump or a log. Voldemort paced along the ground, or he would have been pacing if he were not a floating ghosty blob.
"War is a science
With rules to be applied
Which good soldiers appreciate
Recall and recapitulate
Before they go to decimate
The other side"
The wispy Voldemort pointed to a badly drawn map that was tacked up on a tree, "Now, gentlemen,
this is the plan for tomorrow's skirmish."
Quirrell nervously raised his hand, "Er.. tomorrow, my lord?"
"Yes, tomorrow you twit. Now quiet." Voldemort replied tersely.
"The army of the enemy is stationed on the hill
So we've got to bring them down here, and this is
How we will
Our men in the ravine (That's this area in green)
Will move across the valley where they plainly
Can be seen
And the enemy (in blue) will undoubtedly pursue
For that's what you depend upon an enemy to do."
Quirrell and the sheep shared confused looks. They had no army only a couple of squirrels that could water ski. The squirrels had proved this earlier that day on the lake. They had sadly lost one to the giant squid and were ready to get their revenge.
The Dark Lord continued,
"Then to guarantee their folly
We'll bring bowmen into play
Who will fire just one volley
And retire to point "A"
And then, and then
And gentlemen, and then..."
Malfoy leaped to his feet brandishing a stick in his head and waving it about whilst singing.
"And then the men go marching out into the fray
Conquering the enemy and carrying the day
Hark! The blood is pounding in our ears
Jubilations! We can hear a grateful nation's
Cheers!"
"MALFOY SIT DOWN IMMEDIATELY." Voldemort glared at the young Malfoy. The boy would never learn would he? Ghost-like-Voldie sighed,
"Now, where was I? Ah, yes...
War is a science
A breeding ground for brains
For though I cannot write my name
The men whose pens have brought them fame
Write endless paragraphs explaining
My campaigns"
One of the squirrels snickered and whispered to Professor Quirrell. Voldemort's red eyes fell upon the squirrel. "What did he say?"
"Er," gulped Professor Quirrell, " He was wondering if you changed your name from Tom Riddle…" Voldemort grimaced at the sound of his muggle name "why didn't you choose one that's easier to spell… like… Freddy! That'd solve that problem."
Voldemort raised an evil eyebrow. "He asked you all that. Might I ask you who taught you the squirrel language?"
"P-p-icked it up I did." Quirrell stuttered.
"Sound like Yoda you do." When Quirrell gave him a questioning look Voldemort responded, "A muggle thing. Don't ask questions." The Dark Lord shoved his Yoda doll deeper into his robe pocket. The minions listened intently as Voldemort went on explaining his plan… in song.
"Now when the foe see our soldiers marching
Through the lea
They will mount a charge and meet us at the point
I've labeled "B"
And their bowmen on the hill (In yellow on the map)
Will leave their posts to join the rest and fall
Into our trap
Then we'll cut off reinforcements and retreat of
Any kind
Bearing principles of enfilade and defilade in mind.
And if all the ploys we pick to really
Work to bring to pass occur
We won't just have a victory
We'll have ourselves a massacre.
And then, and then…"
Malfoy perked up was it time? Time for his part in the song? Maybe… he bit his lip. Yes he was sure of it only one more "and then" to go!
"And gentlemen, and then..."
There it was! The blonde boy opened his mouth jumped to his feet and sang out,
"And then the men go marching out into the fray
Conquering the enemy and carrying the day
Hark! The blood is pounding in our ears
Jubilations! We can hear a grateful nation's..."
Malfoy was interrupted by Voldemort's yelling, "MALFOY I shall not caution you again!" Draco plopped down sadly on the ground next to one of the squirrels. He'd gotten it wrong again.
Voldemort muttered something under his breath but began to sing again,
"In conclusion gentlemen...
Now listen to me closely I'll endeavor to explain
What separates a charlatan from a Charlemagne
A rule confessed by generals illustrious and various
Though pompous as a Pompey or daring as a Darius
A simple rule that every good man knows by heart
It's smarter to be lucky than it's lucky to be smart
And if the fates feel frivolous
And all our plans they smother
Well suppose this war does shrivel us
There'll always be another!"
The Dark Lord was getting tired now and took a deep breath before continuing.
"And then...
And gentlemen, and then...
Now... gentlemen... now!"
The squirrels and Quirrell jumped to their feet, the sheep was asleep, and Malfoy was currently eating the chocolate frog.
"And then the men go marching out into the fray
Conquering the enemy and carrying the day
Hark! The blood is pounding in our ears
Jubilations!
We can hear a grateful nation's cheers!"
Malfoy had noticed that the others were singing and leapt to his feet after them and started singing. The end of the song had a strange echo-y sound. The Squirrels and Quirrell sang a line and it was repeated by Draco. Voldemort clapped, "A nice touch at the end Malfoy." Maybe he would be a good deatheater after all.
Quirrell began to speak again, "Er, my lord, if you haven't noticed your plan has a slight flaw," he cringed as if expecting to be zapped to bits or something. When that did not come he continued. "If you haven't noticed we don't really have an army… just some squirrels and a sheep."
"By Merlin's beard you're right!" Voldie clapped Quirrell on the shoulder. "Then we should attack now with what we've got we'll surprise them!"
"But that's not what-" Quirrell began but Voldemort yelled "CHARGE!"
The squirrels went running towards the lake and Malfoy towards the castle entrance. As soon as they reached the lake the squirrels dived beneath the murky waters to wage war with the squid. That was the last that was seen of them.
"So much for them," muttered Voldemort. But he smiled to himself; "Look that Malfoy boy has the right idea. Enter through the unguarded entrance. Ingenious!" Malfoy had not gone to attack the castle, he had gone to curl his hair, and go to sleep he would never get the 9 hours of sleep he needed if he hadn't left then.
Moldy Voldy glanced about. Where was his servant Quirrell? Ah, there he was. The Professor was kneeling by the lake sobbing over the loss of the squirrels. Voldemort shook his head, he needed to get better minions… what he needed was a rat! Yes… a rat. Voldemort cackled. But until that day came he was stuck with Quirrell. "Quirrell quit your blubbering and get the super glue you need to glue me to the back of your head again." Quirrell quickly complied with his master's wishes and then sadly trudged up to the castle.
There were Star Wars references... yes. Don't own that either.
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