Chapter Two: Marshmallow Roast
A shameless parody by Taffy. I may or may not be making fun of you. But if I am... you know who you are. Or at least I hope you do, you silly people.
WARNING! This chapter contains a mostly intelligent rebuttal to a long, mindless flame. If that bores you and there is a chapter 3, you may skip to that. If there is no chapter 3, then go find some crap to read. But if you plan to flame this chapter COUGHlikeunicaCOUGH, at least read it first.
It was 5:53, Sunday afternoon. Lisa came home to find a small pile of letters sitting next to a raging fire, in the middle of her living room.
"Yoh, is that one of your spirit flame things?" she asked Yoh, who was in the kitchen rooting through the cupboards.
"No," said Yoh. "I'm inclined to think the chapter was flamed."
Lisa let out a loud whoop and did a little dance. "ALL RIGHT! A FLAME! It's time to dig through the mailbag - Rich Tosches style!"
"Who's Rich Tosches?" asked Yoh.
"The satirist in the local paper. He gets flamed a lot, so he mercilessly mocks his flames. Are there any marshmallows in there?"
"Yeah, a few bags."
"Well, bring 'em out. And some sticks. We're having a roast." She skipped giddily back into the living room and set up benches around the flame. "Oh-- I almost forgot. Luffy! Disclaimer!"
Luffy didn't answer. He had bound and gagged himself and was sitting quietly in the corner. Lisa decided they could do without a disclaimer this chapter, despite the fact that rules were rules. She picked up the stack first, just as Yoh came in with the marshmallows. Yugi also arrived at about this time and kindly ungagged Luffy.
"All right," said Lisa, lifting a randomly appearing mug of hot cocoa and the top letter in the stack. "CotP - thank you for your support. As for the serieses, you are absolutely right."
She picked up the second letter. "Ethel, thank you for sharing my position on yaoi. I too have written script-style - what I'm saying is it tends to degrade any intellectual content it might have had. There's a reason we don't study plays other than Shakespeare in English class. And yes, those typewriters get very nasty.
"Sakuuya, hypocrisy is an overall thing. If I regularly did Mary Sues and CSS #1, then you could call this hypocritical. Otherwise, thanks for your support.
"Cygna, I never said I was making fun of you. I was using the plural you. However, OCs are often synonymous to Mary Sues. Yours may not be. I'm too lazy to read your work, but Yami Malik is so creepy-looking that I'll root for Eltar, whoever he/she is.
"No name.... I'll call you Jhonka. Of course I'm writing it for fun, Jhonka. Thank you for the typical review response. And the insult. None taken - gotta have a thick skin to write satire.
"Itai Tenshi... Nevermind. You have written a safe review. Wussy, but safe.
"Zuzanny, read CotP's letter. And I know it was my death-threat that did it. Come on, fess up.
"Phew!" Lisa set the seven letters aside. "That was a lot of reviews. More than I get for anything I put any kind of effort into. I forgot I had wanted to make fun of that, too."
"I brought the marshmallows," said Yoh.
"Thank you," replied Lisa. "Distribute the sticks, please. Two marshies each for starters. We'll read whilst we roast. This is from someone named Unica. Who, incidentally, is someone of whom I have never heard. Apparently I have mocked her favorite pairing (YamixYugi). I have never heard of this Yamix either."
"The 'x' implies a sexual relationship," said Luffy.
"Very good, Luffy. Have you been taking notes?"
"I can't, I'm tied up."
"And whose fault is that? Moving on. I do not know this 'Yu,' so her threat is also empty."
She held her marshmallows over Unica's review. "Hon, everyone thinks their work is 'not like that.' It isn't always, but I'm too lazy to be informed. Yes, we do have freedom of the press here in America, which is why I'm replying to your flame rather than trying to have it removed. As for Joey and Kaiba, what are the chances of Kaiba being nice to him? In the canon universe they can't stand each other enough for them to be friends, so I have no clue where anyone gets that idea. And everyone tortures Yugi. It's one of the rules, evidently."
"I don't like that particular rule," said Yugi, nibbling on his lightly toasted marshmallow.
"Neither do I," said Lisa. "Unica wants to put you in the CLAMP world, though... I wonder what you'd look like in shoujo style. I'll have to ask Denise about that."
"I'd probably be either nine years old or a girl if I worked for CLAMP," Yugi sighed.
"Yeah. Now comes the part I don't have to refute in a civilized way, but I will anyway - the list." Lisa stuffed a charred marshmallow in her mouth but was kind enough to chew and swallow it before continuing. "Point #1 is the typical response to a perceived assault on one's opinion. Paraphrased, it reads, 'You don't think the same thing I do, so you're stupid.' Now, I remember this bedroom scene and I don't think Miss Unica has a point here. The hand-touching was innocent and meant to be reassuring - Yami said at the same time, 'I believe in you.' This has virtually no romantic connotation considering how sappy Yu-Gi-Oh is. Now, as for an astro field - I have no idea whatsoever what that is."
"Stargazing might be interpreted as staring at an astro field," Yoh pointed out.
"That's true, but I haven't seen anyone stargaze since Duelist Kingdom. On to point #2, which can be paraphrased as, 'You're stupid.' It is at this time that I would like to inform Miss Unica that I have seen every episode up through halfway through Joey vs. Yugi in Battle City (at which point I got royally sick of the sappiness and stopped), and have archived from 35 to 72 on about ten VHS cassettes. So don't be telling me what I have and haven't watched. I know all about the soul room concept and I also know it is largely ignored in fanfiction."
"It is not," said Yami, who had just sat down and started toasting his marshmallow.
"I didn't know you could create a corporeal form of your own," said Yugi, who was seated next to him.
"Sure I can," said Yami. "Don't you read fanfiction? It's a device to get us apart so that fangirls can have one of us without getting stuck with the other. They do the same thing to Bat-head and Malik. And chibis."
"Actually," said Lisa, "that varies from story to story. As I am a big stickler for canon, in my world, you can't create your own body."
"Aw, damn," said Yami, and with a small POP! he was gone. His marshmallow fell into Unica's letter and burnt to a crisp, but Lisa was still happy to fish it out and ate it with much ceremony.
"Burnt marshmallows are nasty," said Yoh, who had just finished toasting his to a light golden brown color.
"Well, you're a slacker," said Lisa. "Let's continue. Point #3 states that Yami is in fact neuter and just decided to look like Yugi because he doesn't remember what he really looked like, and then the pharaoh arc has him look the same because Takahashi-sama is lazy. This is highly possible, but I don't see what it has to do with anything."
Yami took over Yugi's body, protested briefly, and then left to sulk in his soul room.
"Yes, Yami, we all know you're a manlyman. We have more points to cover. Point #4 says something about them not really being flip sides of a coin, and not soul partners. I don't get it. And then there's the critical AIBOU point."
"You keep using that word," said Yoh to the fanfictionists.
"What word?" said someone in the audience.
"Aibou. You keep saying that. I do not think it means what you think it means."
"Precisely," said Lisa. "Aibou, having the pronounciation of 'ai' in it, is assumed to pertain to love. IT DOES NOT! It translates to 'partner, pal, accomplice' by Jeffrey's dictionary. If you'll look, it does not even contain the kanji for love, which is found in the second entry of the page." She handed out the address to the readers. ?sDict=on&H=PS&L=J&T=aibou&WC=none&fg=w&S=26&I=on
"I hope you feel better informed now. And be careful peppering your work with Japanese, folks. Some people don't speak it. Chances are you don't either. At least look it up before you put it in."
Luffy grinned. "This public service announcement was brought to you by The Fans Who Like To Read In English Organization," he said.
"Thank you, Luffy," said Lisa. "Now, moving on to point #5. If you bother to PAY ATTENTION, you'd notice that Anzu is actually not a bad-looking girl and Yugi or Yami's attraction to her (despite that Yami always seems to treat her more like a friend and less like a girlfriend, even in the early days of the manga) is not a sign of the apocalypse! And on a side note, Yugi could make ANYONE give him an ACTUAL happy smile. Any blushing on Yugi's part may have been a trick of the light and I would check that in the referee's review box if my friend wasn't still borrowing my Yu-Gi-Oh tapes. It was a cute moment, sure, but not AMOROUS.
"And as for point #6, Yami was trapped in a dark, lonely puzzle, UNCONSCIOUS, and then all of a sudden, a bright is shone and he's free and he thinks he's Yugi. That may not be the truth - as mentioned in Chapter 1, I am not Kazuki Takahashi - but that is my personal belief, disagree if you will."
"After all, the only point of opinions is for people to have something to argue and beat each other up over," said Yoh nonchalantly, affixing another couple of marshmallows to his stick and holding it over the fire again.
"And as for the LONG point #7, I may need several paragraphs," said Lisa. "For one thing, 'nincompoop' is spelled with an 'o' between c and m. And for another thing, name-calling is unnecessary. And please do not attack my fandom; I have been trying to translate the third ending song for months (but as a beginning Japanese student, I am making very slow progress). Now tell me, please, Miss Unica, since when did Takahashi-sama start writing the theme songs? In all probability it has very little or nothing to do with the show. And call me skeptical, but I am not inclined to believe any love song has a definite target unless the name is mentioned. Love songs are weird that way."
"Kind of an 'I love everybody' thing?" Yugi tried.
"Exactly," said Lisa. "And of course Yami was devastated when Yugi ... died? Was it died?"
"I think it was died."
"Died. Of course Yami was devastated when Yugi died against Pegasus. Wouldn't you be devastated if your brother, or your best friend, died right in front of you and you had to stand by and watch? I think you would be devastated. And the other friends never got any proof that Yugi had died."
"They were all outside the indoor thunderstorm," said Yoh.
"You're interrupting my intelligent rebuttal."
"Sorry."
"Point #8. Maybe Bakura has kind of grown attached to Ryou. It's hard to rationalize that one." She paused.
"Point #9," she continued. "Yami and Yugi are two different people. This is most certainly true. Only problem being, Miss Unica, they happen to be in the same body, and that makes having sex very difficult."
"And what the heck is 'masTARbating'?" said Luffy.
"Poor conventions," said Lisa. "Point #10, the last one, thank God. A love triangle needs only to have three people involved to be classified as such, such as Bob and Joe both falling in love with Susie, or something. Or both falling in love with Andrew, if you like that sort of thing. But it doesn't have to go all three ways. True, Yugi likes Anzu. Duh, Anzu likes Yami ('I wonder who that voice is that said "Let's play a game" ... after all, I've fallen in love with its owner!' Way to be subtle). But Yami does not have to be in love with Yugi for it to be a love triangle. Also, wearing tight leather does not make you gay, it just makes your artist weird.
"True, this is the longest review I've ever gotten. However, I have one question to ask you. WHAT'S YOUR POINT?!"
"I think she was trying to say that me and Yami are made for each other," said Yugi.
"I have one question for her, too," said Yoh. "I was there, and I was paying attention, and I don't remember you insulting the YamixYugi coupling."
"I don't remember that either," said Lisa.
Just then a monkey dashed into the room and handed Lisa all five chapters of "Be not Nobody," which she proceeded to read all the way through. Halfway through chapter three, a river of hot cocoa erupted from her nose, putting out the flame.
"Are you all right?" said Yugi concernedly.
"Dear God, no. This story is so... so....." -- she stopped there and continued reading, unconsciously covering half her face with her shirt collar as if to keep out poisonous fumes, and muttering things to the effect of "Oh, fu--, oh, fu--," throughout.
Halfway through chapter four, she could no longer force herself to keep reading, and handed the manuscript to Yoh. "Would you please have Amidamaru dispose of this for me?"
"What is it?" said Yoh, looking curiously at the title.
"DON'T LOOK AT IT! It's the absolute corniest thing I've ever read! It's so corny you could butter it, salt it, eat it, and throw up! Hell, you don't even have to butter, salt, or eat it!"
Yoh shrugged, integrated with Amidamaru, chopped the manuscript skillfully to pieces with a randomly appearing PVC pipe, and sat back down.
"So what was that one about?" said Yugi in a tone that meant he didn't want to know.
Lisa regained her composure upon the destruction of the crapfic. "Basic summary: 'I'm Yugi and I like to mope. I meet Yami (an anime character I have the hots for) and within three minutes we're boyfriends. I try to kill myself anyway. And it must be perfect, because it's got 97 reviews.'" She summoned and skimmed the reviews. "And not one of those 97 reviews has any intelligent content whatsoever. I'm not just saying this because I don't like yaoi - even in and of itself, the story is like a really gross, really contrived soap opera."
"But the critics love those," said Luffy.
"Exactly. This, the reviews prove. People just take it in and never leave criticism of any sort. It's either poorly phrased pleas for more, or flames. If more people left constructive criticism rather than just taking a 'sonic bath,' as my choir director calls it, maybe we'd get some better stories."
"Well, what about the people who do leave constructive criticism?" said Yoh.
"They can't stand reading bad stories," said Yugi.
"So," said Lisa, "the moral of the story is, before you tell your brother to remove the speck from his eye, first remove the plank from your own. Or, in layman's terms, before you tell other people how to write good fanfiction, learn to do it yourself."
Yugi and Luffy cringed. "That's gotta sting," said Luffy.
"Are we gonna have another marshie roast tomorrow?" said Yoh.
"Probably," said Lisa. "I'm absolutely positive Unica will flame me again. But next time, we're inviting Keiei. Replying to reviews is fun and all, but I have more satire to do."
"Wasn't this satire?" said Luffy.
"Spontaneous satire doesn't count," said Lisa.
"You almost forgot the pathetic plea for reviews," said Yoh.
"I don't need one anymore," said Lisa. "I mocked that already. And besides, this chapter is almost a plea for flames in and of itself. I expect them and I will probably refute them like I did Unica's. With Keiei's help, of course."
"Does she have to come?" Yugi whined.
"Calm yourself, O Short One," said Lisa. "But maybe I can offer to give away a prize to anyone who reviews, because I forgot to mock that last time."
"But what to give?" said Luffy.
"What indeed?" Lisa replied. "Ah, I know! I'll give a Blood-Covered-Yugi plushie to anyone who replies. Unless you would like an alternate prize, which can be arranged. Just remember, beggars can't be choosers."
"That's rather ominous," said Yoh.
"Yes, I know," said Lisa, "isn't it grand?"