Chapter Three: Something Wicked This Way Comes
A shameless parody by Taffy. I'm SO making fun of you. Unless I'm not.
It was 6:55 Saturday evening. A spider dangled down in front of Yoh's face and he swatted it out of the way. "Damn cobwebs," he muttered.
"If you'd help out here, it wouldn't be as hard to get rid of them," said Yugi somewhat bitterly, dusting up in a corner.
"Why bother?" said Yoh. "It'll be just as long till what's-her-name writes the next chapter after this."
"Man, you must have been bored staying here the whole time that she wasn't writing," said Luffy. "If you didn't have anything else to do, you could have joined my pirate crew."
"Too much work," said Yoh.
Just then Lisa walked in, kicking Yoh absentmindedly in the shin as she walked by, and causing a loud yelp from said Yoh. She was carrying a small stack of papers on top of several neatly folded piles of navy blue cloth. "I should really come here more often. The monkeys have left a lot of reviews since I've been gone. I'll never be able to respond to them all," she murmured. "Ah well. I guess I'll just have to pick my favorites, like Strong Bad."
"Can I make fun of their names?" said Luffy.
"Absolutely," said Lisa. "WhyshouldItellyou: 'personally' is not spelled with semicolons."
"And your name is stupid," said Luffy gleefully.
"Unica: Thanks for agreeing with me on how corny your story is. And for totally not explaining what the hell an astro field is."
"And your name is stupid," said Luffy.
Lisa scowled. "Mary-Sue: Thank you for liking me. AU's forever, but down with bad ones!"
"And down with stupid names!" said Luffy.
"Luffy, try not to insult people who support me." Lisa looked back at the reviews. "Misura, you may have an alternate prize: a chapter three! Merry Christmas." While she was on the topic of gifts, she tossed Cygna-hime a Blood-Covered-Yugi plushie.
"Are their names stupid?" said Luffy.
"Not especially, just their assuming I don't know Japanese has no plurals. Ah, and Candace, who was, interestingly enough, more rabidly defensive of Unica than Unica was. This one's not worth replying to, but I'll be gracious and say, well, if you think I majorly suck, then why do you read about me telling you that YOU majorly suck?"
Everyone sat and thought for a moment. Finally, Yoh raised his hand. "Is it because she doesn't put spaces after punctuation marks?"
"Just so she could flame us?" Yugi guessed.
"I think it's because she's stupid!" said Luffy.
"Very good!" said Lisa, and gave Luffy a cookie, which he proceeded to eat ravenously.
"But then that begs the question of why you read yaoi fics if you hate them so much," Yugi pointed out.
Lisa paused for a moment. Then she finally said, "Research. In order to make fun of bad fanfiction, I have to know what it looks like. And a lot of bad fanfiction happens to be yaoi, though not all yaoi is necessarily poorly written, and not all crap is yaoi."
"It's just so you can flame them, isn't it," said Yoh.
"This is good cocoa," replied Lisa, taking a sip. "OoshatiElf, Nisey, as always, I love yaz. Now that's it for reviews. We've actually got work to do today."
Yoh moaned. "Do we have to?"
Luffy grinned. "We get free lunch if we do."
"Really?" said Yoh, perking up slightly.
"Yep!" said Luffy.
Yugi had found the small pile of cloth under the reviews. "Hey, aren't these the uniforms they use at my school?"
"They most certainly are!" said Lisa. "Domino High School is getting three new exchange students today." She began counting on her fingers. "One's a shaman! One's a pirate! Aaaaaaaand, one's an Evil Mary Sue!"
Yoh and Yugi moaned. Luffy just grinned again and said "All right! Can the pirate join my crew?"
It was another Tuesday at school, and it was a dreary one. It was cloudy and had been that way all day, and the clanks and thuds of hail on the roof made it hard to concentrate. Yugi silently cursed the day he had agreed to help Lisa make fun of her own fanfiction, because this was exactly the same way that the Evil Mary Sue story had started. He glanced over at the desk that the author had apparently claimed as hers, which was two rows over, and she shot him a thumbs-up, meaning she would change at least a few things. Somehow Yugi didn't feel terribly reassured. "It's like reliving a nightmare," he mumbled.
Just then, Jounouchi staggered in, soaking wet, and slumped into his desk in front of Ryou's. "God damn it," he sighed. "If every day this month is gonna be like this, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... oh, never mind."
"Good thing the teacher's too senile to notice you're late," said Honda. (A/N: I've actually had a substitute teacher like that...)
"Did you say something?" Jounouchi asked Anzu.
"No," said Anzu, surprised.
Ryou's head abruptly fell onto his desk with a gentle thud. "Are you all right, Ryou?" Anzu asked him.
Ryou mumbled something that sounded vaguely like "Amidamaru."
The first bell droned for a few seconds. The class continued talking as if nothing had happened for at least ten minutes afterwards. Finally, Luffy, looking very uncomfortable in his nicely pressed school uniform, walked in from the hall and poked the hunchbacked old woman in the shoulder about twenty times. The teacher finally looked up through her inch-thick glasses and asked Luffy who he was. After a few more minutes, she seemed to get the point and called the new students in. The old ones didn't bother to stop talking while she introduced Yoh and Luffy, who sat near Lisa, but when the third student entered the room everybody shut up.
"And our third new student today is Miss Kaiba Yammynofo," said the teacher.
"Keiei Yamamoto," the girl corrected her softly. She had strawberry-brown hair that fell - no, flowed - to her waist, and a slim, alluring figure. She waved shyly.
Jounouchi smiled a little. "On second thought, maybe this won't be such a bad month after all."
"Just wait a day or two," said Yugi forlornly.
"Man, she's really pretty," said Luffy as Keiei sat down on the opposite side of the room. "Too bad you're engaged, eh Yoh?"
"Too bad she's evil, eh Luffy?" said Yoh before going right to sleep.
It was lunchtime, and it was still raining. Yoh and Luffy approached where Yugi and his friends were sitting, and Yoh poked Yugi on the shoulder. "Oh, hi," said Yugi.
"Lisa said you'd buy us lunch," said Yoh incisively.
"She what?!" Yugi exclaimed in disbelief.
"She said you'd--"
"Yeah, yeah, I heard you."
"Then why'd you ask?" said Luffy.
Yugi took out a few bills from his pocket and handed them to Yoh and Luffy, who left immediately, only to return thirty seconds later with nice hot obento lunches and sit down right near the guys.
"Do you know those two?" Anzu asked Yugi.
"I've seen them around," said Yugi. "So why are you eating with us?"
"Demon Hottie is supposed to eat here, and we want in on the fun," said Yoh.
"It's not gonna be fun!" Yugi shouted.
"Well, not for you maybe..."
Just then Luffy laughed and pointed at Ryou, who was facedown in his mashed potatoes. "Ha ha! Look, guys! That albino kid's doing an impression of Yoh!"
"Excuse me?"
Everyone looked up to see the hot brunette girl, Keiei. Jounouchi and Honda began to resemble beets. Yoh turned off his headphones.
"Hi, is there room for one more?" said Keiei.
"Always," said Jounouchi, shoving the sleeping Ryou and the sleeping Ryou's mashed potatoes onto the floor.
Honda elbowed Jounouchi. "Don't wake him, Jounouchi. It's quite obvious she'd rather sit next to me."
"You're mistaken, my friend," said Jounouchi, "she obviously wants to sit next to me."
"No, she wants to sit by me."
"No, me!"
"No, me!"
"NO, ME!"
Honda pounced and began trying to claw Jounouchi's eyes out while Jounouchi tried to yank Honda's ears off. Keiei watched them with innocent-looking interest. "What's their problem?" she asked.
"Y chromosome," said Anzu. "Here, have a seat."
Keiei did. "So what're your names?" she asked.
"I'm Anzu," said Anzu, "and this is Yugi. Shake hands, Yugi."
"I'm not touching her," said Yugi quickly. "And besides, this is Japan. We bow."
"That's nice, Yugi."
"Wait a minute," said Keiei, her eyes widening quite perceptibly. "Are you the same Yugi who beat Kaiba and Pegasus?"
Oh God, I hate this part, Yugi thought. "Um, maybe."
"Oh, wow!" She clasped her hands together, little stars appearing in her eyes. Anzu scowled. "I never actually thought... wow. And so humble about it, too!"
Yugi looked anxiously from side to side in search of an exit. "Um, you're not just sucking up so you can lure the unsuspecting me into a dark alley and steal my soul, are you?" (A/N: Dargh! I keep trying to write soul as sould!!)
"Did you say something?" said Keiei to Anzu.
"No," said Anzu. "I thought you did."
Keiei shrugged. "Oh well. I'm into Duel Monsters too," she said happily. "I've even tried to make my own cards, but the holographic fields won't accept them." She slid three cards across the desks to Yugi.
"Well, the art's really good, but I'm not touching them," said Yugi. "And besides, you haven't answered my question."
"They don't work with the fields, you say?" said Anzu, tuning Yugi out. "I love this art. You should join DA or something."
"I already have," said Keiei. "Do you know why they don't work? I've given them barcodes and everything. They look just like the official ones."
There was a short pause. Then Luffy, assuming Yugi had forgotten his line, said, "Well, it's because they don't have hearts. That's what makes those cards work or not."
"Luffy, you idiot!" Yugi hissed, holding his head in his hands.
"Hm..." said Keiei, her expression brightening a little. "Well, what if I could give them hearts?"
"That'd probably do it!" laughed Anzu. "But the trouble is, where would you get one?"
Yoh raised his hand. "I bet me and Anna could find some really bored ghosts to be your cards. I'm sure there's somebody dead out there who would love something interesting to do."
Keiei looked at him funny. "You're weird. There's no such thing as ghosts. I'd have to find a real person who would fit the card."
Yugi's eyes widened. "Please tell me Lisa changed the part about you being serious?" he said hopefully.
"That would undermine the whole plot, shortcake," said Lisa as she passed by.
Keiei blinked. "Well, whatever you're talking about, I don't know how I'd turn people into duel cards even if I wanted to. It'd probably take some terrible black magic sealed into an innocent-looking artifact from an ancient desert civilization. Or something."
Boy, good thing she's not one of those Evil Mary Sues that comes with their own custom-made Sennen Item, Yami said with a smile.
This wasn't in the original story, Yugi thought suspiciously.
Yoh looked up at the front of the room. "Hey, do any of you guys know how long ago the scary teacher lady started on the math lesson?" he asked.
"No one cares," said Honda, now sporting a black eye and ripped uniform. "She should have retired centuries ago."
"Where's that blond guy?" said Luffy.
"Broom closet," said Honda. "Now if you'll excuse me..." Apparently everyone did, because he promptly sat down next to Keiei. Just then Jounouchi, out of nowhere, dove across the desks and tackled Honda to halfway across the room, where they continued fighting. At one point Jounouchi picked up the scary teacher lady and beat Honda over the head with her.
Yugi sighed and put away his lunch. How long till the bell rings?
Three hours or so, said Yami.
Can you make it longer? Yugi pleaded.
"And that concludes our broadcast day," said Lisa. "Please tune in next time to 'Rules Are Rules' for the exciting continuation."
"What's the something wicked, anyway?" said Yoh.
"The plot. Obviously. Either that or Keiei, I can't remember."
"You know what's weird?" said Luffy, taking off his school jacket. "I talked to everyone in that class, and none of them are pirates. Who's the pirate you were talking about?"
The other three stared at him. "You're joking, right?" said Lisa eventually.
"No," said Luffy.
"As long as we're talking about pirates, let's go watch 'Pirates,'" Yugi suggested. "I need some humor before Keiei eats my heart."
"But I need to ask for reviews. Otherwise I won't get them. That's what the whole last snippet is for," Lisa explained.
Yugi rolled his eyes. "Okay then. Hey, everyone reading! Go watch 'Pirates of the Caribbean' and review it!"
"That's not what I m--"
"PIRATES!" Luffy squealed. "Come on, let's go watch 'Pirates'! I'll make the popcorn and drag Yoh onto the sofa!"
"That's not funny," said Yoh.