Chapter Four: You're So Bad At Ninj4, You're Only A Ninj3.
A shameless parody by Taffy. Because nobody has anything better to do nowadays than diss other people's fanfics.
It was 8:41 Wednesday night, and Lisa was ready to get down to business right away. She didn't even have a randomly appearing mug of hot cocoa to accompany her as she skimmed the latest reviews. "It's amazing," she said, "that though crapfics get A ratings and continuation pleas, badly spelled, this gets relatively well-thought-out reasons why I should stop writing it. But the truth shall persevere. Someone had to do it."
"Then why didn't anyone?" said Luffy.
"Fate, I guess," said Lisa. "Either that or I thought of it first. But like the narrative said, we're getting right down to business today with only my favorite reviews answered. First: Unica: I think the word you're looking for is 'astral,' not 'astro.'"
"We could always stargaze anyway," said Yoh wistfully.
"Fat chance. Jess, thanks for the insight; Shinimegami, lie down before you hurt yourself; Maia, thank you for reviewing what Yugi TOLD everyone to review; SaSaMi7, 'people' is not spelled 'ppl'; Shadow-Specter, I stopped dissing Unica already, now please get over it. Unica did."
"What about Kelly?" said Luffy.
"I'm getting there. Kelly Kelly Kelly. You're almost as self-depreciating as I usually am. If 'Meioh' is any indication, you're not my target. But I disagree with you on the fourth wall thing. Breaking the fourth wall is a great tool for humor writing, and employed extensively in this selfsame fic. If not for the broken fourth wall, I wouldn't even be here. It makes it easier to mock things. But it's not for breakage that I'm getting seven years of flames. Literary pyromania... I'll have to write that one down..."
And she did. She also wrote a little note on how cute Kelly's name sounded.
"So are we ready now?" said Yoh. "My butt's going numb."
"Get off it once in a while," said Lisa reprovingly, sending a scowl in his direction. "And yes, we're ready."
"No we're not," said Luffy. "Yugi's not here yet."
"Oh yeah, that." Lisa bit her pencil eraser metitatively. "Well, you have to understand. If I hadn't tied him to the school flagpole he'd be in Guadalupe by now. And that's kind of a long way!" she added as Yoh and Luffy rushed hurriedly out the door to rescue their duct-taped comrade.
After Yugi was released and led tearfully back to the school so the action could resume from the exact point it left off, the action resumed from the exact point it left off. Fortunately, it had been a convenient stopping point and the next scene was after school, much to Yugi's despair.
"Would you just get over it already?" Yoh grumbled.
"I can't get over doom," said Yugi. Just then something at Jounouchi and Honda's workstation exploded and started a large fire on their lab table. They high-fived each other quickly before rushing for the fire extinguishers. Yugi remained oblivious.
"It's the last class. Everyone's going home after this, even Keiei," said Yoh.
"No, you don't understand," Yugi pleaded, not noticing Anzu rushing to the eyewash to get the boiling stearic acid off of the amazingly somnolent Ryou's hand. "The bad part happens after school. The worse part happens a few days from now."
"Dare I ask of the superlative?" said Yoh.
"It was never written," Yugi whispered slowly and deliberately, as if that fact bore some deeper, darker implication.
"What's the deeper, darker implication?" said Luffy, momentarily giving up on his pirate search.
"It was never written," Yugi repeated. "I remember the parts that were written. But I only have a vague idea of what would have happened next."
"And thus it'll be much more difficult to counter," Yoh inferred.
"Precisely," said Yugi.
But shortly afterwards, despite all of Yugi's efforts, the end of the day finally arrived. Honda had to drag Ryou home, due to his incredibly bad luck at paper-scissors-rock. Yugi tried to get someone to walk home with him, but Lisa had conveniently thought up an appointment she had to take Yoh and Luffy to, and the porcupine-headed midget ended up going on his own. He'd barely gotten off school property when someone grabbed him by the arm and pulled him around the corner into an alleyway. He'd known it was Keiei the first time it had happened, and he knew it was Keiei now.
"I need to talk to you," she said plainly.
"That's nice," replied Yugi, trying to leave the alleyway but held back by Keiei's slender hand.
"It won't take long. I just want to know more about that pendant," she said a little too innocently for his liking.
Yugi waved his hand in front of her face. "It's nothing special and you'll leave me alone forever now."
Keiei scoffed a little. "The thing's solid gold. People don't wear stuff like that all over the place. You'll get mugged."
"I'm used to it."
"Where's it from?"
"Egypt. Go away now."
An interesting expression crossed Keiei's face. It was sort of a cross between the smugness of a secret well-kept and the triumph of a secret uncovered. "If that's the case," she said, "that means it's very old. And there's a lot we still don't know about Ancient Egypt. There's a lot we still don't know about the past."
Yugi grimaced. This wasn't the same Keiei from the Mary Sue fic. She was less Mary Sue and more evil. Lisa was doing a very good job on the revision process, he noted. A little too good of a job.
I don't like where this conversation is headed, said Yami, right on cue.
She's different somehow, Yugi said. If she renders my prior knowledge inapplicable, we are the dead.
I was just saying the plot's getting too serious, Yami added. I don't like it at all. We may well be the dead.
Well, we're not dead yet, Yugi said determinedly.
"What's wrong?" Keiei asked.
"Your face went too freaky," said Yugi. "You scared me. That's all."
Keiei's expression grew, for lack of a better word, grey, though her face was still its normal hue. "Be more careful. Someday those aliens in your head will take you away and dissect you." Then almost like magic she left.
Aliens? Yugi thought after a while. That's not her line.
Yami grunted dejectedly. Damn it. I knew those aliens were up to something. I'll call it off right away.
Don't joke around, Yugi sighed as he started anew towards home. This is serious.
He'd almost gotten to the game shop when Yami said, They say they'll leave as soon as their ship comes.
YAmi!
What?
Yugi was expecting two days to pass in relative quiet after that, but Lisa phoned him the second he got home to tell him they would not, and to prepare accordingly. So he went to the local shrine and picked up some evil-reducing stickers, which he then proceeded to plaster over the walls in his bedroom. He'd finished protecting three of the walls when he heard a distant shout of "Gum-Gum Rocket!", and seconds later, Yoh and Luffy came crashing through the fourth wall, sending plaster in all directions.
"We came as soon as we could," said Luffy, grinning broadly and not bothering to dust himself off. Yoh just lay bent backwards with his legs on the side of Yugi's desk and the rest of him lying limply on the floor. He didn't seem to appreciate Luffy's taxi service.
"Well, despite whatever I'm gonna have to pay to get that fourth wall fixed, I'm glad you two are here," said Yugi, relieved.
"Why?" said Luffy.
"Because the minute I fall asleep, Keiei's gonna come in here and steal my soul," Yugi explained. "So the logical solution is to stay up all night. And you two are gonna help me."
"Well, you're on your own here," said Yoh, recovering enough to sit up and dust the plaster off his clothes. "I can't even stay awake through the DAY most of the time."
Yugi scowled. "I have a GameCube, Yoh."
"Well, that changes everything!" exclaimed Yoh, brightening considerably.
"Is that like a Rubik's cube?" asked Luffy.
So, within a few minutes, the GameCube was set up and the game of Super Smash Brothers Melee was in full swing. For having never seen anything electronic prior to this story, Luffy got the hang of the game remarkably quickly, and was soon beating the crap out of the other two. By the start of the second game, Yugi and Yoh put their professional differences aside and made it a team battle. Luffy still won. The third time they put a handicap on him. He still won.
"Jeebus, Luffy, ease up!" Yugi protested.
"I like this game," said Luffy, grinning per his trademark.
"This is dumb. I wanna play Windwaker," Yoh moaned.
"That's not gonna keep us awake," said Yugi. "It's one-player, remember?"
"Yeah, but it'll still keep you awake," said Yoh. "I have no idea how to play."
Yugi promptly turned off the GameCube and loaded up Windwaker. Yoh plugged his controller into the first-player slot. Luffy looked upset. "Aw, man, I was having fun!"
"We weren't," said Yoh and Yugi in unison. Luffy sighed and flopped down on the floor as the game booted up.
Though Yoh held the controller, it was clear Yugi was in charge. From the start he could be heard giving all sorts of advice, no matter how mundane. "Okay, now go down the ladder."
"Dude, there's nowhere else TO go."
"Now talk to the old lady."
"I was already going to talk to the old lady."
"Now go out the door to the dock."
"Hang on, I'm not done talking to the old lady."
About then Luffy stood up and made his way to the kitchen. "I'm gonna get some snacks, guys."
"You don't have to talk to the old lady."
"But you said I did!"
"You don't have to finish."
"Hey Yugi, do you have any Cheetos?" Luffy shouted loudly from the kitchen.
"Yeah, they're on the counter!" Yugi shouted back.
"Of course I have to finish! I can't get out of the sequence."
"Yes you can. Just ignore what she's saying."
"But I wanna see what she's saying."
"Are you sure they're there? I don't see them!"
"They should be right by the sink! Either that or in the cupboard! Okay, Yoh, what she's saying isn't important, you just wanna get out of the house."
"Where's the Mountain Dew?"
"It's in the fridge! Duh!"
"Okay, I'm outside. How do I use my sword?"
"You don't have the sword yet."
"Whaddaya mean I don't have it?! What's the point of that?!"
"You don't get the sword until your sister gets abducted!"
"I'm gonna get a Mountain Dew! Does anybody else want one?"
"Get me one, Luffy! Now since when do I have a sister?"
"She's the pigtailed kid."
"Hey Yugi, do you want a Mountain Dew?"
"Naw, can you get me a Cherry Coke?"
"What do I do with the pig?"
"You don't do anything with the pig yet."
"Hey Yugi, what does Cherry Coke look like?"
"Then what's the point of having the pig there?"
"It's for later!"
"Yugi, what's Cherry Coke look like?!"
"It's kind of brown and the bottle has a red wrapper!"
"Can I slice the people?"
"No, you can't slice the people!"
Luffy returned triumphantly from the kitchen with a couple of bottles and a bag of Cheetos, and distributed them. "One Mountain Dew for Yoh and one Cherry Coke for Yugi," he said, like a fast food drive-thru guy. Yoh was too absorbed in his game to notice the soda. Yugi opened his without looking away from the screen.
"Now you need to go in the water."
"Okay - hey, what - what's that meter? Is that bad?"
"You could at least say 'thank you,'" said Luffy a bit indignantly.
"You can make it to the other side," said Yugi, taking a sip of his drink. He promptly spit it back out. "YUCK!! What the heck is this?!" he shouted, looking at the label. "'Chocolate Raspberry Ex-Lax'?!!!"
"Ex-Lax?" said Luffy innocently, scratching his head. "That's like Cherry Coke, right?"
Yugi adopted the most murderous look anyone had ever seen on him, fixed on Luffy. "When - I - get - my - hands - on - you ---" Suddenly the look was gone, and Yugi dashed off. "Bathroom!"
Yoh stifled a laugh. "No worries. He won't be out of the bathroom long enough to get his hands on you for hours."
Luffy stared in the direction Yugi had gone, perplexed. "I don't get it. Why didn't he go before we left?"
"We didn't leave, Luffy..."
Just then there was the sound of sneaking on the stairs. Yoh and Luffy turned around just in time to see a young boy with yellow hair and a bright orange jumpsuit come down the stairs. For a moment he looked at them and they looked at him. Then he said, "Super secret Shinobi training ground?"
"No, I'm Luffy," said Luffy.
"No, that's down the street," said Yoh, ignoring Luffy completely. "Go past the school, take a left at the cemetery, straight on till you reach the Pachinko place, then take a left, it's right there, you can't miss it."
"Thanks, Luffy!" said the boy to Yoh, and vanished up the stairs again.
"You're welcome! Nice to meet you!" Luffy called, grinning and waving after him. Yoh punched him in the arm, which responded with a lively SPROING sound. "Hey! What was that for?" said Luffy.
"He meant me, dunderhead," said Yoh.
"I thought your name was Yoh."
Just then there was another sound of sneaking on the stairs. Yoh and Luffy turned again just in time to see a thin person, obviously female, dressed all in black with only her eyes and a shiny auburn ponytail totally free of split ends showing. "Aw, crap. What're you two doing here?" she groaned.
"We're playing Super Duper Crash Family," said Luffy. "Wanna Cherry Coke?"
"I'll pass," said the girl.
"We seem to be a ninja magnet tonight," said Yoh casually.
"Oh, I won't be long. I'm here on business," the girl replied, and looked around. "So, where's Porcupine Head and his pet pharaoh?"
Just then the toilet flushed and Yugi emerged from the bathroom. Instantly his eyes went wider than they already were, pushing his hairline to the top of his head in the dumbest-looking way possible, and with a loud shout of "HOLY SHEEEEEEIT!" he all but dove back into the room and slammed the door shut and latched.
"See, what'd I tell you, Luffy? He'll be there all night now," said Yoh.
Luffy didn't seem to hear him. "Ninja. Oh, oh, wait, I know this one. It's like, ninj-four." He grinned triumphantly.
The ninja blinked and looked at Yoh. "Do you know what he's talking about?"
"It's d4 l33t, b4b3," said Yoh.
"That makes your name like, j0-, or something," said Luffy.
"He's still a beginner," said Yoh.
"Oh, I see," said the ninj4.
"Can we play Super Mash Masters again?" said Luffy.
Yoh shrugged and put it in. "Don't see why not, my strategy guide's run off." He held out a third controller to the ninja. "You wanna play? I mean, as long as you're waiting."
"No, I'll pass," said the ninja. "I haven't played in a while anyway."
"Your loss," said Yoh, and he and Luffy started up the match.
Ten minutes later...
"Okay... my loss," Yoh grumbled. "Again."
Luffy grinned and pointed over his shoulder with his thumb, in the general direction of the ninja. "Maybe you'd do better if you had Keiei on your team!"
The ninja nearly choked on her Cheetos. "Wh-what do you mean, 'Keiei'? I'm not Keiei. I'm not even related to Keiei. I don't even know who Keiei is. There's NO way I could possibly be Keiei."
"Oh, give it up, Keiei, Yugi screaming kind of gave it away," said Yoh.
"Really?" said Luffy. "It was the shiny, clean, perfectly groomed hair that tipped me off."
Keiei groaned. "Aw, just because I like to look nice..."
"Well yeah, but most ninjas wear hairnets," said Luffy.
"No they don't!" said Yoh.
Just then Naruto came downstairs again, wearing a hairnet. "Hey, I followed your directions, but all I found was a burger joint!"
"Did you turn left at the cemetary?" Yoh sighed.
Naruto stopped. "Ohhhhhhhh, left at the.... okay, thanks!" Then he left again.
Keiei paused. "Okay, maybe some ninjas wear hairnets."
Yoh groaned. "Well, the point is - wait. What is the point?"
The door to the bathroom opened a crack. "Is she gone?" Yugi called.
"Nope, I'm still gonna steal your soul as soon as you're done in there," said Keiei sweetly, and the door slammed again.
"So what do you want with Yugi, anyway?" said Luffy.
"Oh, it's not really Yugi I've got a problem with," said Keiei. "Nobody who knows Yami has a problem with Yugi. I'm after the pharaoh."
"But that doesn't explain why-"
"Let me finish. The way to a pharaoh's heart, as you well know, is through his stomach. And there's nothing a pharaoh can stomach less than the agonized screams of his innocent host!" (It was easy to tell she was grinning like a psychopath even under her ninja mask.) "And there's no better way to procure the agonized screams of his innocent host than by procuring the innocent host along with the pharaoh. Besides, it's convenient. They're both right there."
"What if the pharaoh doesn't have an innocent host?" said Luffy.
"That's not important. This one does."
"Man, I sure spotted the flaw in that plan pretty fast!"
"It doesn't matter! This pharaoh does!!"
"But then what've you got against Yami?" said Yoh.
"I'm sorry, all questions must be submitted in writing," said Keiei. "When do you think he's gonna be done in here? I've got school in the morning."
"Probably as soon as you leave," said Yoh.
"Oh, this is ridiculous," said Keiei. "He can't keep stalling forever."
Luffy laughed. "Ha ha! Stalling!"
Keiei paused. "Um. Right. As I was saying..."
"Ahhhhhh, you want to move the plot along," said Yoh, nodding. "I understand. But you'd have to be pretty bold to ask me and Luffy for help. I mean, Yugi's our friend. We can't go back on friendship."
Keiei scowled. "I'll give you twenty bucks apiece."
"Done!" the boys exclaimed in unison. A few seconds later there was a scream from the bathroom, and shortly afterwards, a beautiful, scantily clad young woman came out, giggling, and deposited Yugi in the middle of the floor.
"Thank you, Miss Hanako!" said Yoh with a grin.
"Anytime, honeybuns," the girl said seductively, and planting a smooch on Yoh's cheek, she returned to the bathroom. The sound of flushing signaled her departure.
"That girl was almost as hot as I am," Keiei said in disbelief.
"I wish she was my fiance," said Yoh, bright red and drooling. Luffy grabbed a napkin off the floor and dried off Yoh's face with it.
"Right. Well, let's get down to business," said Keiei, whipping out a couple of playing cards.
Yugi was shaking like a leaf. Yamiiiii.... do something......
What am I supposed to do? Yami protested.
I don't know! Hide me!
There was a flash of light from the Puzzle and then there was Yami. "Well what the hell d'ya expect me to do?!!" he shouted.
"I would suggest screaming like a little girl," said Keiei casually.
"If it's all the same to you, I'll just run," said Yami, and he jumped up and made a dash for the back door.
"Oh no you don't!" Luffy shouted. "I'm getting twenty bucks for you! Gum-Gum Pistol!!" With that, he threw his fist halfway across the house and slammed Yami in the back of the head. Yami fell down, unconscious. The other four gathered around his unmoving body.
"I think you'll all remember this as the day that Captain Jack Sparrow almost escaped," said Luffy triumphantly.
"Is he gonna be okay?" said Naruto.
"Why are you still here?" said Yoh.
Keiei bent down and pressed the cards gently to Yami's back. Yami twitched a little, then lay still. "You're mine," Keiei hissed with a very evil-looking smirk. Then her expression returned to normal. "Okay, I'm done here. Can I use the phone? I need to call my ride."
"Sure, I guess," said Yoh. "It's on the counter there." Keiei nodded and crossed the kitchen to the phone.
"What about my twenty bucks??" said Luffy. "I'm not gonna betray my friend to pain, torture, and almost certain death for free, y'know!"
Keiei rolled her eyes and pulled out a couple of twenties, handing one to Luffy and the other to Yoh. Naruto pouted and held out his hands. "Hey, can I have twenty bucks too?"
"Why do you deserve twenty bucks?" Keiei groaned.
"I'm a ninja!" said Naruto with a grin.
"Oh, well if that's the case, sure," said Keiei, handing him a twenty too. Naruto did a little dance.
A few minutes later, a car pulled up and the doorbell rang. "Oh, there's my ride," said Keiei sweetly. "I'll see you guys all later." With that she opened up the door and walked out. "Hiya Honda. Let's get going."
"Sure thing, sweetcheeks!" said Honda, grinning, and the door closed behind them.
"Bye, Keiei!" said Luffy, waving.
"Bye, free money person!" said Naruto at the same time.
Yoh sat down next to Yugi's vacated body, which was now starting to drool on the floor. "Well, what're we gonna do with this thing now?" he asked. "We can't just leave him here."
"I say we send him to the hospital and then go into his room and divy up his stuff!" Naruto declared.
"Ooh! Free stuff!" said Luffy, jumping up and down.
"I'm starting to wonder if we should have done that," said Yoh. "I mean, selling somebody else's soul for twenty bucks. That's really gonna give us guilt."
"Only after we spend the money," Luffy corrected.
Yoh paused. "Hm. You do have a point there. Okay, let's call 911. I've got dibs on his wall scrolls!"
Luffy and Naruto cheered.
"Some friends you are," Yugi grumbled.
"Hey, cut us some slack," Luffy protested. "I mean, she did give us twenty bucks."
"Why did you put Naruto in the story, anyway?" said Yoh.
"Because I can," said Lisa. "I'm the author, remember? I can make you guys do anything I want."
"That's pretty scary," said Naruto. "Hey, have you guys seen this stuff at ? It's really awesome!"
"Including celebrity endorsements, it would seem," said Yugi, scowling.
Lisa cackled. "Oh yes. You have no idea of my awesome power. Maybe I'll get to some real satire next chapter."
"How many more months will that be?" Yoh moaned.
"Shut up, headphone boy," Lisa growled. "Or better yet, endorse me!"
"I'm sorry, Lisa. You're the best author in the whole wide world," said Yoh.
"And don't you forget it!"