Chapter Six: Oh My God! They Killed Kenny!
A shameless parody by Tafkae. You bds!
It was 10:08 PM Monday night. Lisa decided she would finally get to writing chapter six. It was odd, she had gone to her e-mail and had told her her story was removed. She quickly grabbed the rest of the reviews and posted all of them on her website so that people could find them through her userpage on itself.
"How'd this happen?" Yugi asked incredulously, sitting next to the computer and reading over Lisa's shoulder.
"I armed my enemies," Lisa sighed. "I got careless and decided to make fun of short chapters. Someone must have reported me for it to get it removed, now that they had a reason. Thus, I'm not reuploading chapter five. I won't make that mistake again no I will not."
"Thus why this chapter is chapter five in the dropdown, but chapter six in the heading," said Yoh.
"Precisely." She promptly loosed a rabid, deranged Kakashi clone with antlers on whoever had reported her and had her removed.
"Now where were we?" It had been a while since she'd last read chapter four, and she proceeded to skim it quickly to refresh her memory.
"Ah, all right. So Yami and Yugi have just had their souls stolen, and Yoh, Luffy, and Naruto were divying up his stuff. I can work with that," she said. Then there was a fancy fading transition...
... and the boys were up in Yugi's room, divying up his stuff.
"That was weird," said Luffy.
"Cinematics, Luffy," Yoh reminded him.
"Ooh, look! A me wall scroll!" said Naruto excitedly, pointing to a Naruto scroll hanging over Yugi's bed. He promptly jumped up on the bed and took it down.
Just then, the doorbell rang. Yoh went down to answer it, being the only one able to hear it over his own excitement at the volume of anime and gaming crap Yugi had. (A/N: I like making Yugi as much of a geek as my friends )
"There's that weird voice again," Yoh muttered halfheartedly on the way down the stairs. He shrugged and opened the front door to the emergency medical technicians. "Turtle Game Shop, open 24 hours tonight only. How may I help you?"
"Erm, yes," said the head EMT. "We got a 911 call about ..." he looked at the note in his hand "... Yugi. Something about going into a coma all of a sudden?"
"Oh, yes, him." Yoh pointed into the living room. "He's on the couch in there."
"By the way, did you know you're supposed to stay on the line when you call 911?" the guy said irritably.
"Oh, that wasn't me. That was our resident idiot," said Yoh, indicating upstairs. "Anyway, Yugi's over there, go ahead, he's all yours."
The EMTs scurried into the living room. Yoh was just starting the return journey upstairs when they called him back. "Is this some kind of joke?" the Head Guy asked, now a bit upset.
Yoh blinked. "No, he's dead from the neck up all right. Why?"
"He's not," the EMT said simply. "We'll send you a bill for this. Crank caller." Without another word, they left. Yoh just looked after them for a while, confused, and finally wandered into the living room to see what the hell they were talking about.
Sure enough, Yugi was sitting up on the sofa, looking around. Yoh's jaw dropped to the floor. Then he picked it back up, reattached it, and started trying to make sense of things.
"Yugi?!!" he exclaimed. "You're supposed to be dead from the neck up!"
Yugi looked straight at him, his eyes an eerie shade of green. "I am Grognor of the planet Mookieterracciano," he said in a somewhat metallic-sounding voice. (A/N: Spot the homage to the webcomic artist!)
"Who keeps saying that?!" Yoh shouted.
"I represent the barracks in this sector of the mindspace continuum," Yugi/Grognor continued, ignoring Yoh's outburst. "We were formerly being put up by one 'Yami Mutou', but he seems to have vanished. What has become of our gracious host?"
Yoh's head spun around a few times, then came to a stop. "Waitwaitwait. You mean Yugi was possessed by an ancient pharaoh... AND had aliens living in his head??"
"That is correct," said Grognor.
Yoh sighed dejectedly. "Maaan, and all I have is an older-than-dirt samurai..."
"I'm only older than the topsoil, Lord Yoh!" said Amidamaru before Yoh stuffed him back into his portable gravestone.
"Please answer our previous question," said Grognor.
"Right," said Yoh. "Well, Yami's been. erm. stolen. A ninja came and took his soul away." (A/N: Aw man, I tried to write "soul" as "sould" again!!! And I thought I was cured...)
Yoh finally found the speaker where the voice was coming from, integrated with Amidamaru, and chopped it to pieces with a randomly appearing PVC pipe.
Grognor applauded lightly. "Your combat skills are impressive, sir."
"I know," said Yoh. "Now let's get upstairs and introduce you to the others." He started out the door. "And hey, maybe we can figure out what to do with you while we're at it."
So they went upstairs. They reached the room just as Naruto discovered Yugi's Warhammer 40k pieces and started stuffing them in his pockets with squeals of delight. However, all noise and motion stopped when the other boys noticed Grognor (in Yugi's body) standing in the doorway. That is, until they started hiding the loot behind their backs and making excuses.
"This thing behind my back is totally NOT your Naruto wall scroll," said Naruto.
"I totally didn't eat your more expensive Warhammer pieces," said Luffy.
"Hey, hey, calm down guys, it's not Yugi," said Yoh. "This is Grognor. He's an alien who also happened to be possessing Yugi and who no one but Yami seemed to know about."
"Greetings," said Grognor.
"Oh, that's a relief," said Naruto, starting to pick up more Warhammer pieces again. "Man, you'd think a geek like Yugi would have better Warhammer stuff than this. Where's all the more expensive ones?"
Luffy burped discreetly.
"That's not the point," said Yoh, exasperated. "What are we going to do with him? It's not like we can take him to school. People would be sure to notice."
"The teacher wouldn't," said Luffy.
"She wouldn't notice a thermonuclear war next door," Yoh sighed. (A/N: Remember the senile old fart from chapter 3? Yeah, that's her :3 )
"Did you say something?" said Naruto to Luffy.
"No, it was the radio," said Luffy. Yoh promptly Amidamaru'd the radio to ribbons. Grognor applauded again.
"If it is all the same to you," said Grognor, "I would enjoy attending an Earth school. The subject is rather fascinating to me."
"Uh-uh," said Lisa, appearing in a corner and waving her finger. "That would interfere with the plot too much. You'll have to hide him someplace and let everyone think Yugi's dead from the neck up."
"Then why'd you put Grognor in the story in the first place?!" Yoh groaned.
"Because it was funny for more than two seconds," said Lisa, and disappeared.
"Who was that?" said Grognor.
"The madwoman who controls our fates," said Yoh.
"I think she's funny," said Luffy.
"Remarkable how often those two traits coincide," said Naruto wistfully.
Jounouchi was late for school again the next day. He mumbled an apology to the teacher (who didn't hear a thing or even acknowledge he existed) before taking his seat in front of Ryou (who, fortunately, was awake today). Then he looked around. "Where, uh...... where's Yugi?"
Honda shrugged. "I dunno. I thought for sure he'd come in before you did."
"Maybe he died," said Anzu casually. (A/N: XD My friends always say that when one of us is missing...)
Yoh threw a rock at the intercom speaker, which promptly died as well.
Ryou narrowed his eyes. He was beginning to get an odd feeling of déjà vû from all this.
Soon the bell rang, and after a quick introduction of the newest unnoticed student (who happened to be a ninja), the senile lady had another announcement.
"I regret to inform you that your classmate Yuggie is dead from the neck up," she said flatly. "Now open your books to page--"
"What do you mean, 'dead from the neck up'?" said Jounouchi.
"He's in the freakin' hospital. Now shut up and open to page 273 and read along while I try to force my opinions on you."
Jounouchi began slamming his head on his desk as if trying to force his nose up into his brain. When Honda asked what he was doing, he said, "I don't know, but it's kind of fun!" -- and Honda, half-dead from boredom, joined in. Naruto was about to do the same, but Yoh held him back by his hair.
"Please, Naruto, you can't afford to lose any more brain cells," he said.
"You're no fun at all," said Naruto, but Yoh had already gone back to sleep, still gripping the ninj2's hair. Said ninj2 began repeatedly uttering the word, "Ow."
Luffy, too, was banging his head on the desk for a while, but his head bounced further back every time he did, until the recoil sent him flying out of his chair into the face of the quarterback, who promptly started beating him up with many SPROINGing sounds and very little damage.
Anzu started praying for Yugi. Ryou looked down at his desk, confused. I'm sure all this has happened before somehow, he thought. Except maybe the rubber kid.
But how?
Jounouchi skipped school that day. He just sat under the old tree just past the courtyard, half-asleep, for the longest time. Yugi... dead from the neck up. He sighed. My best friend. ......... Well, maybe second best. ........ Oh, wait, forgot about that guy. Okay, third best. .......... Or maybe--
"Hey, Jounouchi!"
He looked up. It was Honda. Oh, forgot about him. Fourth best, then. "Yo. Hey, where's the rest of the peanut gallery?"
On cue, Ryou and Anzu appeared out of nowhere with a small pop!, dressed in peanut suits. They looked at each other, looked at themselves, took out giant BACKSPACE keys, and disposed of the peanut suits, and then finally said hi.
"Hi yourself. Where's Yugi?" said Jounouchi.
"Dead from the neck up," Anzu's fist reminded him.
"Oh yes, now I remember," said the bump on Jounouchi's head.
Anzu sighed in a very puppy-love-ish way and gazed up into the clear blue sky. "I miss him already," she said quietly.
"Miss who?" said Naruto.
"When did you get here?" said Honda.
"I'm a ninja," said Naruto with a grin.
"That's nice," said Honda, "but when--"
"Four lines ago. Weren't you paying attention?" (A/N: OMG my arm itches scratch scratch)
Just then, with an enraged yell, Yoh as Samurai burst from the building, chasing the boom box rolling by on a skateboard. "DEATH! DEEEEEAAAAATH!!!" he screamed in an eerie, booming double voice. Seconds later, just off-camera, there were violent sounds of PVC on metal. A bent CD rolled slowly by. Then Yoh came back, his eyes glowing red for a second before he returned to his normal self. "Sorry about that. How are you guys?"
The others all just stared at him, except Naruto, who waved vigorously, accidentally freeing a kunai knife from his sleeve and killing a nearby gym teacher. And there was much rejoicing.
"I lose more ninja daggers that way," Naruto sighed.
"Kunai knives," corrected Honda.
"That's what I said. Ninja daggers."
Honda groaned. "You're more like a ninj2 than a ninj4."
Naruto's eyes widened, and he turned his back indignantly. "I'm rubber and you're glue."
"Actually, I'm rubber," said Luffy.
"When did you get here?" said Anzu.
"I'm a ninja," said Luffy.
"No you're not," Yoh groaned.
Luffy grinned. "Yeah, but if I was a ninja, I'd be a ninja."
"Something's not right," said Ryou, out of the blue, as if he'd been waiting for the other three to assemble, which he hadn't but Lisa had.
"Whaddaya mean?" said Jounouchi.
"I don't know," said Ryou. "I just feel like all this has happened before. Somehow."
Honda raised an eyebrow. "Of course it's happened before. Yugi's in the hospital every other week, remember?"
"No, not that," said Ryou, glancing off to the side. "I've met Keiei before. Yugi's gone into the hospital because he had no soul before. We've stood by this tree before. And I just know Keiei will come up and talk to us any second now."
He looked back to find Naruto sitting on Yoh's head, both inches away from his face and closely inspecting him. "Um, what're you doing?" he asked.
Yoh looked up at Naruto. "He has the gift," he said ominously.
"Is it his birthday?" said Luffy, confused.
"No, the gift," said Yoh. "The same one Yugi had. He remembers the original story! He knows what happens next! Isn't that right, Ryou?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," said Ryou.
"Can I have a gift too?" said Luffy.
"No. It's not your birthday," said Honda.
"Aw, maaan," said Luffy.
Just then a Very Hot Girl Named Keiei (no relation to less hot girls named Keiei) dropped out of the tree, landing nimbly on her feet. "Laliho!" she exclaimed with a big smile.
"See? See?! It's the gift!" said Yoh.
"What're you doing here?" said Anzu.
"Who cares?" said Jounouchi and Honda, both drooling.
"Oh, I just wanted to invite you all to a party," said Keiei, and began passing out nicely perfumed invitations with an address and a time on them.
"Is it a ninja party?" said Naruto excitedly.
Keiei giggled. "Well, I guess it could be, if any ninjas show up."
Ryou looked at his invitation suspiciously. "'Bring your soul'?" he read aloud.
"What's a party got if it ain't got soul?" said Keiei innocently.
"She's got a point," said Jounouchi.
"All right then, I'll see you there!" she said happily. Then she threw a ninja smoke thing to the ground and when the smoke cleared, she was gone.
There was a pause. "That was awesome," Honda said at last.
Naruto did a dance on Yoh's head. "Nin-ja! Par-ty! Nin-ja! Par-ty!"
"It's a trap," said Ryou.
The others glanced at him. "A trap?" Honda asked in disbelief. "From Keiei? No way. Did you see how she smiled at us?"
"Yeah! And even if it is, how would you know?" said Jounouchi.
Yoh gestured at a giant neon sign nearby that said, "THE GIFT!"
Ryou rolled his eyes. "Apparently, I have 'the gift,'" he said, using his fingers as quotation marks. "Whatever the hell that is. But I know she has something to do with Yugi going dead-from-the-neck-up. Somehow or other."
"Yeah, ain't she a babe?" said Jounouchi dreamily. Everyone else except Honda (who was swooning over his invitation as well) sweatdropped.
(IMPORTANT A/N: "Sweatdrop" is not a word. It is not a noun or a verb or an adjective. In fact, until anime came along---)
The transistor radio near the door exploded into a million pieces, except this time it was from about fifteen shuriken hitting it all at once. Yoh gave Naruto a thumbs-up. "Good work, man."
"That wasn't me, actually," said Naruto, "I think it was Keiei."
"Whatev. It's gone, anyway."
Just then Honda looked at his watch. "Holy timepieces! I have to get home by a few minutes from now or I'll miss my TV show! I'll see you guys at the party," he said quickly, and took off.
Everyone stared after him. "Well, I guess we have to go now," said Luffy. "We can't just let him get his butt kicked on his own."
"What're you talking about, Goodyear-boy?" said Anzu.
"Yeah, it has been a good year!" laughed Luffy.
Lisa quickly checked the file size of this chapter, compared it to those of previous chapters, and decided one more scene wouldn't hurt.
The building was huge. It might have been a mansion once, maybe along the lines of fifty, sixty years ago. Now it was a derelict old wreck. They stood in front of it for a long time before Honda finally said what everyone was thinking. "Uh, guys? Why hasn't this place been torn down yet?"
"If it had, there wouldn't be any settings sufficiently ominous and creepy for the next scene," said Yoh. He was now decked out in his black-and-orange yeah-I-mean-business-bub outfit, and carried a nicely polished PVC pipe instead of his usual slightly dented one.
"D'ya think it's haunted?" asked Jounouchi.
"Yeah, probably," said Luffy.
"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Anzu moaned. "There's no such things as ghosts."
"I represent that remark!" said Amidamaru indignantly.
Ryou started up the kudzu-infested outside stairs, and was followed by pretty well everyone else there. "No, this is wrong," he said quietly. "This is wrong," he said louder. "We'll go inside and she'll freeze the door solid shut behind us. And then she'll start taunting us, and we'll all get suckered into a duel with our lives on the line."
"Go ahead," said Yoh. "Just TRY and tell me you don't believe in the gift."
"We shouldn't go in there," Ryou suggested to the others.
"Oh no," said Jounouchi. "You're not gonna keep Keiei all to yourself. I ain't that gullible." He roughly shoved Ryou aside and pushed open the doors like Aragorn at Edoras. "Oh Keeeeiii-eeeeii! I'm hoooooome!"
Keiei was there all right, sitting on the old rotting bannister near the top of the stairs, sporting a nice purple miniskirt and a T-shirt with the London Underground logo on it. She smiled and waved. "Hello, everyone! You're just in time."
"No we're not," said Naruto, looking around. "Where's Grognor?"
"Who's Grognor?" said all the Yu-Gi-Oh characters present.
"You invited Grognor?!" Yoh exclaimed in disbelief.
Luffy leaned out the door. "That's funny. He said he'd be here. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to start the party without him!" he laughed, coming back inside.
"So, what's a nice girl like you doing living in a dump like this?" said Jounouchi flirtatiously.
"Oh, I don't live here," said Keiei as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "It's just this place is very convenient. No one comes here anymore, you see. They all believe that bullcrap about it being haunted."
"Actually, I think it is haunted," said Yoh, holding up his forefinger.
Ryou's eyes widened. "No way. Nowaynowaynoway," he whispered, backing up toward the door.
Keiei noticed. "Aw, where're you going, little Ryou?" she said, sticking out her lower lip so far you could land a B-52 on it. "The party hasn't even started!"
Behind them all, the door slammed. Keiei pointed at it and a bolt of blue lightning flashed from her finger to freeze it solid shut, which Anzu quickly confirmed by saying, "It's frozen solid shut!"
"Hey now, that wasn't very nice!" said Luffy, whose foot was caught in the ice. (A/N: XD it rhymes!)
Yoh's eyes darted around the room, trying to find where the speaker was this time.
"What're you up to, anyway?" said Honda, who was starting to replace his infatuation with Keiei with common sense.
Keiei held up two playing cards between her fingers, face out. "Does this help anything?"
Jounouchi squinted. "Beaver Warrior and Kuriboh. So?"
Keiei blinked. "Oops. Wrong cards." She put them back in her deck and started searching her deck for the right ones. After a few minutes, she found them with a loud "Aha!" and displayed them. "How about these?"
On the cards were beautifully rendered pictures of Yugi and Yami, albeit in weird outfits. Naruto squinted and looked them over, then grinned in recognition. "Hey, Yoh, Luffy, isn't that the guy whose soul we sold for twenty bucks apiece?"
Everyone else picked one of the non-Yu-Gi-Oh characters and glared daggers. Yoh grimaced. "Uh, Naruto, ix-nay on the oul-selling-say..."
"Oh, it doesn't matter," Keiei sighed. "The point is, they're my hostages. And if you want them back, you're going to have to play a little game with me."
"Whaddaya mean?" said Jounouchi irrita
Lisa put down her pencil and yawned. "Well, that's it for this chapter. Join us next time for the exciting conclusion."
Yugi, in his only appearance this chapter, picked up the manuscript and looked through it. "You can't end a chapter like this!" he protested.
"Yes I can."
"You left off in the middle of a word!" Yugi exclaimed.
"Yeah, I wanna see what happens next," Luffy whined.
"Yeah, me too," said Yoh, polishing the PVC pipe. "Can't you just extend the chapter to the end of the scene?"
Lisa sighed. "Honestly, guys, I can't. This is where the original crapfic left off. I have to wing it from here, and I'm not quite ready to do that just yet. But it will come, it will come. We will persevere."
"You're just stopping because your mom says you have to get off the computer in seven minutes or she'll EAT YOUR PATHETIC MORTAL SOUL, isn't it," said Naruto.
"That's another reason," said Lisa. "Please read, review, and don't remove or I'll sic Antler Kakashi on you again. You bds."
"That's a bad word," said Luffy.