Chapter Seven: Chase Closed
A parody by which Tafkae mercilessly mocks her own older works. If you've written something like this, though, pretend it has your name on it.
Ten and a half months passed.
From out of the darkness, an author appeared. She sat herself down in the pitch-black cobweb festival that had once been her living room, pulled out a typewriter, and began to clickety-clack away as though nothing had happened.
The typewriting attracted the other denizens of the place. They peered around the corner, not sure if it was possible - had she really returned, after all this time? It took them all a moment or four to realize the truth. Another for it to sink in.
Then the four of them jumped her with a collective shout of "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!"
"Wow, nice to know I was missed!" laughed Lisa.
"Nice nothing!" said Naruto. "I wanna see what happens next!"
Lisa groaned and shooed the guys away from the typewriter. "Then get back already! Let's keep the author's note short for a change and pick up where we left off as if nothing ever happened!"
So they did.
-bly, clenching his fists. Keiei just shot him an odd look. "Well, we have to duel for them. That's how it always works. You'll put your immortal soul on the line, and I'll put up a couple of playing cards."
"That's not a good prize," Luffy whined, but nobody was listening.
"Fine, whatever," said Jounouchi. "I'd do almost anything to get Yugi and What's-His-Name back, except for flushing myself down a toilet and having to face the sewer gators in hand-to-hand combat and then getting filtered through a treatment plant and then dumped into the ocean with a bunch of cooked sewage and months later I'd come out of a faucet in Shanghai. I wouldn't do that."
"Oh, darn," said Keiei dejectedly, snapping her fingers. "You're no fun at all and you're making me resort to Plan B early. My second choice was a mansion-wide game of Tag, and that's not half as much fun as watching you flush yourself down a toilet and have to --"
"Tag?" said Anzu. "Why Tag, of all things?"
Keiei paused. "Well, you have to understand. See, I don't want to give my money over to the evils of corporate America just for booster packs, so I make all my own cards." She held up a few other cards, and the group gasped - she had one each for everyone present, including Yoh, Luffy, Naruto, and even Amidamaru.
Yoh guessed what she was going to say next and hefted his PVC pipe at the ready. "That's really low. That's lower than low. And here you said you don't believe in ghosts, neither!"
The Evil One blinked. "Oh, come on. You didn't catch that? After EVERYTHING I've said so far has been a complete bold-faced lie, you went and believed me on something?"
"Yes. Yes I did."
"Well, you're stupid. Anyway, what I had in mind was, I get to be It first, and you all have to run away from me. If I catch you, I steal your soul and you forfeit your turn as It because you're dead from the neck up."
Honda raised his hand. Keiei rolled her eyes and pointed. "Yes, Antenna Head?"
"Can I please be It first? I never get to be It," said Honda.
"No."
"Pretty please with a cherr-"
"NO! Argh, I don't have time for this." She hopped down from the balcony and turned to face the wall. "I'm gonna count to ten and when I get done, you'd all better be running, got it? ONE."
The gang apparently didn't need to be told twice. They split up and about half of them each ran down the east and west wings. By the time Keiei got to "THREE," the only one left in the foyer was Luffy, because as you'll remember, his foot was stuck to the door with a thick layer of ice.
"FOUR." Luffy struggled, but the ice wouldn't give!
"FIVE." He tried to punch his way out, but his fists just bounced off the ice.
"SIX." He slammed his head against the ice, but it kept slipping and could never firmly connect.
"SEVEN." He stretched his arms to the bannister and tried to pull himself out, but he was just too stretchy and couldn't get enough tension.
"EIGHT." Time was running out. Luffy sproinged back to normal size and thought as hard as he could. And it came to him - aha!
"NINE."
"TWO!" he shouted.
"THREE," said Keiei.
The seven seconds he managed to buy himself were quite enough to pick up the phone, dial up a gypsy, get her to free his foot from the ice, and vanish down the west wing without a trace.
"Ready or not, here I come!"
Honda, Anzu, and Yoh ducked into a side room and locked the door behind them. Honda grinned. "She'll never find us in here," he said. "And look, we can stay here forever! We have all the provisions we'll ever need."
Yoh looked around. They were in a bathroom. "Um, I don't know about you two, but I'm not keen on the idea of eating soap for the rest of my life."
Honda scowled. "Don't be silly. There's also fruit-flavored shampoo! It's got Vitamin D," he added.
Anzu groaned. "You moron! She'll have to go eventually, and then we're doomed!"
"So there are really no other bathrooms in the mansion?" said Yoh incredulously.
"Not that I've seen," said Anzu. "And you know, us women know these kind of things. We can sense nearby bathrooms. It's part of our herding instinct."
"I wouldn't know," said Yoh.
And they waited.
After a few minutes, it became clear that the bathroom had indeed proved itself a safe hiding place for the moment, and the camera moved to another part of the old house...
... where Jounouchi, Ryou, and Naruto were finding themselves much more closely pursued.
"SHE'S GAINING ON US!" cried Jounouchi. No, seriously, he was in tears.
And indeed Keiei was gaining on them, much faster than one would have anticipated. She already had their three cards out and at the ready, and a Cheshire grin on her beautiful face. It wasn't long before the boys found themselves cornered - which is to say, the hallway turned, and they were in the corner. Naruto, in all his dimwitted valor, stepped forward. "You guys keep going," he said, "I'll take care of her."
Jounouchi and Ryou bolted down the next hallway; it would be quite a while before Naruto saw them again. He stood in the middle of the hall like a gaggle of high-school freshmen, blocking Keiei's path. "C'mon," he invited her, "ninja versus ninja! Mano a mano!"
Keiei grinned and shook her head. "Oh, come on. You're not a ninja. You're not even a ninj3. You're like, a ninj-negative-two. If that."
Naruto glared. "I am too a ninja!"
"Prove it."
Naruto stood and began ticking off the evidence. "Well, I have a ninja headband, I've got a bunch of ninja stars, also a whole bunch of ninja daggers, fancy ninja shoes, AND I have a ninja instructor!" -- at which point he pulled Kakashi out of... somewhere. Kakashi was reading some manga book and didn't seem to notice he'd been Special Summoned.
"Come on, sensei, tell this girl I'm a ninja," Naruto pleaded.
Kakashi held up one finger and made them wait while he finished the page he was on. Then he looked up and sized Naruto up for a second. He thought for a moment, and then said, "No."
"NO!"
"Not even close. You're like, a ninj-negative-two. If that." He glanced over at Keiei. "Whoa-ho-ho! And you're definitely no match for that girl there. She's probably a ninj-3-and-a-half or 4. Now if you'll excuse me, I have two new volumes that just came in and I need to finish them please," he said, holding up the Some Manga Book. With that, he dispensed some ninja smoke and walked calmly away, still reading.
Naruto shattered and fell to the floor in a hundred pieces. Keiei obtained a dustpan and whisk broom and came back to sweep him up, but by the time she got back from the broom closet, the other ninja had reassembled himself and was back in an unorthodox fighting stance.
"All right," he said, "you're in for it now. Prepare to face the wrath of... THE NINE-TAILED FOX SPIRIT!1!1one"
Nothing happened.
"Paging the nine-tailed fox spirit," said Keiei dryly. "Nine-tailed fox spirit, your party is waiting at the Information desk."
Naruto sobbed and turned to dust. Keiei swept him up into a Ziploc bag and whipped out his card. "I wonder if it'd hurt to have your soul stolen when you're made of sand," she wondered aloud, then shrugged and did it anyway.
As long as it was on her route, she went after Jounouchi and Ryou next. They noticed rather quickly.
"The ninjaman has failed in his quest," said Jounouchi. "Farewell, NaROOto. May thy lack of fashion sense live on forever in infamyeth."
"Less talking, more running," Ryou panted.
The second they rounded the next corner, Ryou yanked them both into the nearest room and closed the door. He waited with his ear against it for a minute, then sighed in relief. "I think we've lost her."
"That's good," said Jounouchi, "I was starting to get-- HOLY MOTHER OF SANTA CLAUS!"
Ryou turned to see what it was his friend had found, and saw, in the corner of the room, a girl ninja decked out in all her formal ninja gear, with a ponytail in the back of shiny, clean, perfectly groomed, split-ends-free auburn hair. And she was staring right at them.
"How did you get here before us!" Ryou protested.
"Um, duh, she's a ninja, remember?" said Jounouchi.
"What are we gonna do?" Ryou hissed.
Jounouchi smirked. "Just leave this to me, then. Keiei Yammynofo, I challenge you to a DUEL!"
Keiei didn't respond. She just stood there, her eyes boring holes through Jounouchi's skull. Not literally.
"What are you, chicken?" Jounouchi teased, a little nervously.
"Don't provoke her," said Ryou, but Keiei still didn't respond.
Cautiously, Jounouchi walked closer to her and poked her hand. Then, surprised at her lack of response to outside stimuli, he poked her hand again. Then again. Then he took hold of it, and his eyes went wider than Yugi's, if such a thing is possible.
"Cold, clammy skin... slow reflexes... steady, glazed-over look in the eyes... this can only mean one thing..." He gulped. "KEIEI'S A ZOMBIE!"
Without further ado, he went on to make a lot of further ado, yelling and screaming and running around in circles until he accidentally tripped over a chair and WHAM! -- hit his head on the fireplace mantle. He fell unconscious immediately.
Just then, the door opened and Keiei stuck her head in. Ryou did a double-take. "But you -- and that -- and zombies -- or something along those lines --" he stammered.
Keiei surveyed the scene. "I thought I heard something. Oh look! I was wondering where I'd left that wax statue of myself. Well, thanks for finding it for me."
"You're welcome," said Ryou absently, his brain officially broken.
"Oh, you're so polite. You must be a really sucky card. How nice! Your friend's all gift-wrapped and holding still and everything." She crossed the room to where Jounouchi was and quickly entrapped his soul in his particular playing card, which, incidentally, was one whose art she was especially proud of. Then she turned back to Ryou. "Thanks again for not leaving while my back was turned. Now it's your turn!" she said pleasantly. "Ready?"
"Yeah, sure. -- I MEAN NO! No I'm not!" Ryou exclaimed, and tried to make a break for the door, but he quickly found himself pinned to the wall by several dozen shuriken.
"Splendid! I'll just take your first answer." Keiei walked calmly over to him and pressed his card to his forehead. It stuck and hung there by itself for a moment. "Oh, I'm curious. Any last words?" she asked.
Ryou furrowed his brow, trying to think of something important. It came to him quickly. "You've forgot something," he said.
Keiei thought for a second. "Damn! So I did. I left the coffeepot on. Well, that's enough. I'm kind of tired of your accent anyway. If you're going to fake an English accent, at least make it Scottish or something."
"Hey, English does NOT encompass Scot--"
He didn't finish before he passed out. Keiei retrieved his card, went to search for the survivors, and in her hurry, also forgot to take him down from the wall.
Meanwhile, Luffy was lost.
"It's not as if you can blame me," he grumbled as he searched for any kind of landmark. "It's a big house and every hall looks exactly the same as every other hall..."
However, if he was going to evade Keiei for very long, he would have to figure out where he was in relation to what and whom, and that meant he had to keep going rather than wait for a rescue party. (Ordinarily he would have; however, he had figured, in a rare moment of brilliance, that either everybody else was already hiding, or Krispy Kremes were low in trans fat.) As he continued his walk, he found that the hall he was in at the moment was a dead end, ornamented with the second biggest mirror he'd ever seen. Naturally, he took a moment to make funny faces at the mirror, giggling after each one.
He was in the middle of stretching his nose as far as his arms would go when he heard a loud CRASH through the door to his left. Startled, he dropped his nose, which subsequently drooped down to the floor. Looping it around his arm so as not to trip over it, he opened the door a bit to see what had made the noise.
Well, how about that! The door led right back to the front foyer and grand staircase, though he was upstairs now despite that he didn't remember having gone upstairs. The front door was still frozen solid shut, unfortunately, and even more unfortunately, not far from the door was Keiei. She had stumbled and knocked over a table that used to have a porcelain lamp on it but now had a bunch of broken porcelain next to it. The ninja cursed as she tried to put the lamp back together. Luffy quickly shut the door, which, interestingly, quacked instead of slammed, and put his back to it. Maybe she didn't see me, he thought.
He was mistaken. Soon he heard ominous footsteps on the stairs, and then footsteps outside his door, and finally a knock on the door itself. "Who is it?" he asked.
The person outside paused. "I have an extra large pizza for a ... Captain Luffy?" she said at last.
"Oh. Is it a 'Meat Lovers'?" said Luffy.
The voice paused again. "Did you order 'Meat Lovers'?" she asked.
"Well, I don't remember ordering it, but if I ordered a pizza I would want it to be a 'Meat Lovers'," said Luffy. "Only without the sausage. I just like it with pepperoni, bacon, Canadian bacon, and pineapple."
"I hate to break it to you, sir, but pineapple's not a meat."
"Sure it is! You just need to use your imaginaaaation."
The voice groaned. "Oh, for the love of - look, whatever it is you just said, that's the pizza I've got, and you owe me $7.99 and I take credit cards too."
"Wow, these pizza places really think of everything," said Luffy. "Okay, just a minute, let me go get my wallet."
"Um, wait wait wait! Could you at least let me in first? It's, um... snowing. And cold."
"Certainly!" said Luffy, and in a more common moment of Luffy Brilliance, he swung the door open. Of course, it was Keiei, and she immediately tried to slap a card onto his forehead. He ducked just in time, and it barely grazed his shoulder, leaving a thin line of blood. Almost instantly a small army of Dubber Gnomes jumped out of little panels in the walls and cleaned up his arm, then stuck a Power Rangers Band-Aid on the wound.
"Dubber Gnomes?" said Luffy, a little weirded out.
Keiei scoffed. "Yeah. Keep them away from your vocal cords at all costs, kid."
Luffy shrugged, and the fight began anew.
The first thing he did was slingshot himself to a suit of armor at the other end of the hall. The armor fell over with an even louder CRASH than the ex-porcelain lamp had made, but Luffy made it to the end of the hall and bolted off away from the ninja. The ninja just blinked for a second, then grinned and ran after him. "Oh, huzZAH! You're going to make a wonderful card!"
You would have to be there to fully appreciate the beauty of this chase scene. Keiei had the advantage of ninja-speed, but Luffy had a much, much longer stride than her, so the gap between them closed only slowly. In the meantime, both sides displayed some astounding acrobatics which were so cool it would be impossible to do them justice in words.
After a few hours of this, Luffy began to tire. Keiei did not, since she was a ninja.
"That's not fair," said Luffy to no one in particular, and indeed it wasn't fair, but that's just the way the world works, end philosophical commentary.
Anyway, Luffy was starting to get tired. Finally out of breath, he stopped suddenly in the middle of the hall. Keiei, unable to stop in time, ran right past him and skidded into the suit of armor at the end, sending it crashing down on top of her. The pirate didn't seem to notice until she extricated herself from the pile of assorted metal and shouted, "You. Are. So. DEAD!"
"No I'm not," said Luffy, who was feeling rather vivacious now that he'd caught his breath.
Keiei kiaied or something and sprang down the hall toward him; he yelped and dove to the side, opening (or rather, inadvertantly knocking down) the first door he smashed into. Unfortunately for everyone, it was the door to the bathroom.
Luffy looked up from his position lying on the former door but presently wooden rug. "Hi guys!" he said, waving.
The three who had been hiding there panicked. "YOU IDIOT!" Yoh shouted in all capital letters. "You led her right to us, didn't you!"
"We're doomed! We're forever doomed!" wailed Anzu.
"Whuffle fuh bufflebruf?" said Honda, whose mouth was full of soap.
"Oh, it's okay, guys," said Luffy. "We can lock the door!" He rolled off the door and proceeded to lock the doorknob. The other three groaned, and Keiei appeared hanging down from the top of the doorway. She grinned under her ninja mask. (When she had changed clothes was uncertain but probably not long after the wax sculpture incident.)
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's--"
"Don't say it!" cried Honda.
"--your card," Keiei finished, and threw it at him. He caught it; it electrocuted him. He fell smoldering and motionless to the ground. Was he dead? Of course not! Nobody really dies in this show, as you'll remember. So Honda was either trapped for all eternity in a playing card, or had crossed the threshold into the Shadow Realm. Not a great choice, but then, that's why Keiei was an Evil Mary Sue.
Yoh and Luffy stepped to block the doorway. "Anzu, jump out the window and go for help!" Yoh shouted.
Anzu adopted a "fighting" stance she'd learned in her Tae Bo class. "Are you kidding? Even though I've only known you for a day and a half, we're friends to the end, and friends never abandon friends to the forces of unfriendliness!"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WOMAN! We're trying to save your life here!"
"That's irrelevant! If we all work together, we'll all survive! Or at least, most of us. That's the power of friendship!"
Luffy grinned. "Yeah! She's right, Yoh. If we work as a team, we're sure to primeval!"
Yoh just stared at them in disbelief. "You're off your nut. Both of you! And Luffy - do you even know what 'primeval' means?"
"Are you QUITE finished?" Keiei yawned. It actually sounded more like "Ah you QUI fisht?" but they knew what she meant. Not to say that they all knew correctly.
"Who are you calling a fish?" said Luffy indignantly. "I'll have you know I can't even swim."
"I'll keep that in mind," said Keiei, dropping down to the floor and somehow landing on her feet. "Now whenever you're all ready, let's begin."
Anzu, amusingly, attacked first, scratching at Keiei's face as only Anzu could. "I'll hold her off!" she shouted, "You guys go for help!"
Yoh was now thoroughly disgusted. "I will do NO SUCH THING," he said, and integrating with Amidamaru, he sprang forward and smacked Keiei's hands away from Anzu - right after she stuck the card to the other girl's forehead. Anzu collapsed.
"And to think she could have avoided all this just by jumping out a window," said Luffy, shaking his head.
"Are you planning to HELP anytime soon!" Yoh shouted.
Keiei drew the remaining three cards from her waist sash. Yoh backstepped, trying to think. She needs those cards to bring us down, he figured. If we can destroy the cards, she won't be able to steal our souls like that. He smirked. With the skill of the ancient samurai behind him, that was almost no contest. However, they would first need a diversion.
He glanced at Luffy, and Luffy glanced back at him, and both nodded. Luffy pulled back his leg. "GUM-GUM..."
Yoh's eyes went wide. "Luffy, no! If you get too close--"
The pirate swung his leg around, but didn't let it stretch - instead he just kicked off one of his sandals and sent it flying into Keiei's face with the force of a ninety-eight-car freight train. "-- FLIP-FLOP!" he finished. By the time the ninja recovered, the two boys had disappeared.
Keiei looked around, severely annoyed to put it nicely. "Well, they can't have just vanished... I already took care of the ninja." She bent down and picked up Luffy's shoe. "Well, who knows. Maybe I can find a bloodhound and use this to track them." And with that she headed for the kennel in the backyard, in case any doggies would still be there after fifty years of no one living in the house.
In the dark crawlspace above the hallway, Luffy and Yoh sighed in relief. "That was close," said Yoh. "Brilliant, but very close."
"I kinda wish I hadn't done it," said Luffy, "there's something slimy under my foot."
"You'll live," said Yoh dryly. "Now don't say anything stupid for a minute and let me tell you the plan..."
Back in her typing room, Lisa leaned back and smiled. "Well, that sounds like a good stopping point."
"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING," said the boys.
"Will my plan work, and will Luffy and I get our chance to escape?" Yoh demanded.
"Will I ever get to come back to the story?" Yugi wailed.
"Will I ever earn the status of ninj4 in my teacher's eyes?" Naruto sobbed.
"What did Keiei really forget?" said Amidamaru, in his first meaningful line since ... ever.
"Am I gonna get my shoe back?" said Luffy.
Lisa pointed at Luffy. "Yes, you'll get your shoe back eventually. As for the others, you're just going to have to come back and find out, eh? I know you don't want to, but then again, I control your fates!" She giggled.
"Why aren't there any evil writers in manga?" Yugi groaned.
"Oh, there are. Haven't you read Death Note?" She didn't let him answer. "Anyway, reviews are, as always, appreciated, and flames are, as always, funny to read. You can send either."
"And then we'd get to call their names stupid?" said Luffy. Telling people their names were stupid was apparently becoming a new hobby of his.
"Do as you like," said Lisa with a shrug.