Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, and Lupin complain about inaccuracies that happen in the books and films. Implied Hermione/Draco and Remus/Sirius

Rating: Suitable for all ages

Minerva's Note: I wrote this as a way of venting my frustrations before the Deathly Hallows book was released. I'm not trying to start an argument if you disagree with any of the complaints herein. I simply found this piece mildly amusing when I was finished and thought I should share it on the chance it might entertain somebody else.

Complaints

"Are my eyes green?"

"Yeah," Ron answered Harry.

"Then, why does Daniel Radcliffe play my character when he has blue eyes?"

"...Dunno."

Hermione looked up from her book. "They tried to get the actor who played Harry to wear green colored contacts lenses, but they irritated his eyes." The boys didn't question how she knew this. "Besides, it's more important Harry's eyes look like his mother's than the fact that they're green."

"Then shouldn't they have made sure the actresses who played his mum shared Radcliffe's eye color?" wondered Ron.

Having no answer for that, but not wanting to criticize the films since she was pleased with her own representation, Hermione said, "You both should read Hogwarts: A History."

Ron asked, "What does that have to do with anything, Mione?"

"Nothing. Don't call me that!"

"Why not?"

"No one calls me that in the books, so I can't understand why people call me that in fan fictions."

Harry suggested, "Maybe they were on sugar highs from eating Lupin's chocolate?"

"What?! Who ate my chocolate?" Lupin cried from the settee he and Sirius were resting upon on the other side of the Gryffindor common room.

"Fans," Harry, Ron, and Hermione stated.

Lupin was his calm self again. "Oh, well, I suppose they can be forgiven. After all, without fans the books wouldn't sell."

Harry muttered darkly, "I'm surprised the books are selling at all with all the lies that are in them."

Sirius exclaimed, "I know! I mean, I'M NOT DEAD!"

Lupin said, "Dumbledore isn't either. I saw him leave for The Three Broomsticks with Minerva."

"Why does the author tell the readers so many things that aren't true?" questioned Ron.

"Killing off mentors so the hero is forced to be the one to take out the villain is classic in fantasy plots," explained Hermione. "Don't be hard on Ms. Rowling for doing things that make the story compelling just because they hurt your feelings."

Ron stuck his tongue out at Hermione, fully displaying his teaspoon-sized emotional range.

Sirius grimaced. "I might be able to get over people thinking I'm dead if she didn't put Tonks with my Moony after I was gone!"

"W-what are you talking about?" Harry sputtered.

Lupin explained, "There was absolutely nothing to indicate romance between Tonks and I in Order of the Phoenix, then in Half-Blood Prince the two of us were randomly thrown together. I encourage creative expression, but pink hair is personally not my thing, and the match wasn't fair to Tonks' character either. She was originally a positive role model as a brave auror who was confident in herself. It was disappointing when she suddenly couldn't control her powers because I, an older man she barely knew, rejected her."

"I get that. About you and her, I mean," Harry replied. "But what did Sirius mean saying you were his?"

"You really haven't figured it out yet?" chuckled Lupin.

"Er...no."

Sirius groaned, "For Merlin's sake! In Snape's memory you saw I didn't give a damn that girls stared at how sexy I used to be-"

Lupin corrected, "You're still sexy."

Sirius smiled. "Thanks, Moony, so are you. I have no idea why you aren't depicted as such in the movies."

"You mean the mustache, don't you? Yes, I don't know why that's the look they gave me in the films, but I don't blame the actor for my inaccurate portrayal," said Lupin fairly. "Many things were amiss with the Prisoner of Azkaban film. For instance, they didn't explain who the Marauders were, so the significance of me knowing how to use the map, and Harry's Patronus being a stag, was completely lost. Also, they had good graphic artists to make the hippogriff and dementors, yet a very unfortunate werewolf made it onto the screen."

"At least the scene of Harry blowing up Marge was hilarious." Ron's grin was wistful.

"Anyway, as I was saying," continued Sirius, "Moony and I lived together for years and gave you a joint Christmas gift in book five, Harry, so it should have been quite obvious to you that we're partners."

"Erm, oh, uh...I guess that makes sense," Harry sighed, annoyed he hadn't realized it before.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly, how could you not see it?"

Ron cried, "I couldn't either!"

"Of course you couldn't. You can be really thick sometimes. I guess that's why a lot of fan fics put me with Draco," said Hermione thoughtfully.

"You don't fancy him, do you?" asked Ron quickly.

"No." Hermione blushed. "He's a prat. Just an intelligent and attractive prat."

Ron and Harry exclaimed, "Hermione!"

"What?" Hermione asked innocently.

Harry said, "Nevermind. Anywho, Sirius, Professor Lupin-"

Lupin told him, "I'm no longer your professor and I know you trust me; you said so yourself in the Prisoner of Azkaban book. You should call me Remus now."

"Okay, Remus. I just want you both to know I'm fine with you being, er, together."

"I knew you would be, but Padfoot was worried, so we didn't tell you sooner."

Sirius shrugged. "Well, it doesn't matter 'cause now you know. What matters is Harry getting back with Ginny."

"I will after I kill Voldemort," Harry reassured. Ron flinched at the name. "I noticed my feelings for her before Half-Blood Prince. They didn't just come out of thin air right after Cho like it seemed. I'm not sure why J. K. R. didn't write any scenes of Ginny and I spending time together at the Burrow over the years."

"Don't criticize Ms. Rowling! She gave us life and had a physical baby recently!" huffed Hermione.

Ron replied, "So? My mum had seven!"

Harry said, "Uh-oh."

"What?" everyone questioned.

"What if Ginny is like her mother and we wind up having loads of kids?"

Sirius grinned. "That's the advantage of being with a bloke."

"Sirius," Lupin warned, "behave."

Sirius winked conspiratorially at Ron and Hermione. "It's hot when he uses his professor-voice, don't you think? I called it his Prefect-voice when we were in school. You two are both Prefects, too. Ever try out your authority on each other?"

Ron's ears turned red, but Hermione merely rolled her eyes. "Ron's not even a good Prefect. He never tries to assert this authority you're mentioning. Now, Draco on the other hand…"

"What is with you calling him 'Draco' today? What happened to 'Malfoy?'" demanded Ron suspiciously. "Hey, where are you going?"

"To Slytherin's common -" Upon Ron's incredulous expression and Lupin's knowing smile, she swiftly amended, "book! Yes, to Slytherin's common book. It's in the library, you know? Too boring for any of you to be interested in."

As Hermione made an uncharacteristically tactless exit, Ron followed after her bellowing to no one in particular, "I'm turning him into a ferret again! Let's see how she likes him then!"

"So…" Awkwardly, Harry cast around for a subject that didn't involve the relationship between his godparents or between Hermione and ferrets. "How about those nargles?"