It's that look he gives me.
That look that makes me want to melt in to his arms or lean down and kiss him.
But I can't do that.
It's not who I am. It's not who I ever was, but who I wanted myself to be.
Luka wants to be able to decided for himself if he wants 'this mess'.
He can't though because it's not just my mess, it's Alex's, it's his life too and I don't know if he's ready for a guy in his life. Forever it's been me and him, him and I against the world and never letting anyone destroy the mother/son, sister/brother bond we have.
Yeah Steve popped in and out of our lives, momentarily making me hope (in the beginning at least) that he'd changed, that he wanted to be a family man.
Then he'd pull some stunt or steal some.
And I was afraid again.
Afraid of what Steve might do to Alex, or to me. I was the one who used to suffer the abuse no one ever knows about and never will. But Alex was the one to suffer the aftermath, his dad's abandonment yet again.
Now Steve's in prison and we don't have to run anymore.
Those were Luka's words.
And he's correct.
But I'm not running, well maybe I am, from him. From the love he wants to give me, from the support he knows he can be. If it were just me then I'd take a leap of faith, but I can't ask anything like this of my baby boy. We're not ready I don't think.
Luka and I want different things.
We always have.
Maybe someday we'll want the same thing or I'll be ready. Once Alex is grown up, in college, then I can worry about me.
But Alex is the guy in my life, the guy I love more than anyone else in the entire world.
Us against the world...
END
Just a little dribble of thought from my brain... don't own a thing...