Disclaimer: Me not own RD - ok?
Right well I wrote this yesturday kind of on a whim after reading on Tuta's site that they were recruiting comedy writers, I came up with this and sent it him, he says its alright and is keeping it one record while waiting for other entries, meanwhile I thought I'd post it here to see your opinions but mostly as an apology for not doing well at my other story copy ups. I think it is set somewhere around series 1 or 2 - Kryten's not in it, but iif I got any of the references up I'm sorry (its after ME2 at any rate)
Lister groaned at the sound of his name being called, he hesitantly opened his eyes then grimaced at the sight of Rimmer leaning over him "Smug Git Mode" engaged and ears more noticeably jug like than usual.
"About time – it's like listening to a tractor engine." Rimmer commented, flaring his nostrils in his own personal manner.
"You trying to say I snore?" Lister accused yawning and shivering at the cold air.
"Snoring is an understatement – You've being distracting me from my Esperanto tape."
"Rimmer, ANYTHING could distract you from your Esperanto tapes – Face it, Your never going to learn it, your just utterly hopeless."
"Oh ye of little faith – I'll have you know that now you've stopped poisoning my sound waves I will be able to gather the knowledge like a excited eager school child." Rimmer brushed an imaginary speck of dust from his hologramatic uniform shirt and rocked smugly on his toes.
"Ah so you've been taking learning drugs again have you?" Lister challenged, rolling over slightly and groaning in pain before pulling out an empty larger can and throwing it on the floor.
"First of all have you ever thought of using a rubbish bin you disgusting bacterial comparative low life and secondly I'm DEAD Listy or had you forgotten that?" At that Lister sighed and buried his head in his pillow.
"I know you're dead Rimmer – You only remind me like a million times a day!"
"Well don't say such stupid things then – Even if it is in your nature." Rimmer retorted. Lister opened his mouth but said nothing, he thought for a moment then waved his finger about knowingly.
"Bacteria are really smart you know – it helps us survive and everything – we only live because of all these million different kinds of bacteria you know."
"Oh really? And just where did you learn that? The Children's Big Book Of Biology?" Rimmer scoffed to recover face that Lister had come out with something vaguely intelligent.
"Nah – I read it on the back of a cereal packet – It's amazing you can learn from them!" Lister twiddled his thumbs, looking bored.
"What time is it?"
"Five." Rimmer replied.
"Five in the afternoon?" Lister replied shocked.
"No 5AM."Rimmer corrected, smiling at the look of annoyance on Lister's face.
"5AM? I only went to bed an hour ago."
"Well if you went to bed at a sensible time instead of drinking yourself into an early death." Rimmer scolded, another smug look sneaking onto his face.
"Awwww you worried I'll die and you'll be left all alone?" Lister teased thinking it a good a thing as any to do as payback for been woken at this unholy hour.
"Dry up Lister, mocking doesn't suit you."
Lister pulls a face and shows Rimmer the finger before leaning back and willing sleep to come so he could get back to Fiji, Krissy Kochanski and a discarded white dress.
"Play." Rimmer commanded to the monitor, unfreezing a woman with a smile that is so dazzling it could cause car crashes in a moment as the sun's rays reflected from her teeth.
"Mi kredas, ke estas pano en la ŝranko." The woman's voice pronounced clearly.
"Oh I know this!" Rimmer cried opening his mouth to reply but was cut off as Cat came gliding in wearing a fetching blue number with silver ruffles and his hair in a quaff.
"I believe there is bread in the cupboard." Cat stated as he jumped up and sat gracefully next to Lister who shifted his legs out of the way quickly.
"I believe there is bread in the cupboard." The smiling woman repeated.
"Pause!" Rimmer hissed annoyed that even the imbecile feline could know Esperanto better than him.
"That's a stupid thing to say." Cat announced as an after thought as he reached into his suit pocket and retrieved his mirror.
"I guess a lot of that smeg is, – They never say the really important things like "I'm pissed can you tell me where my house and the nearest kebab shop is?" Lister replied.
"Or I'd like a bowl of goldfish and a glass of milk please!" Cat added.
"And compared to the phrases on the tape those are SENSIBLE things to know?" Rimmer scoffed.
"At least we know them smeg–for–brains!" Lister retorted grinning at Rimmer and reaching for his guitar.
"You play that guitar Lister and I will burn all your cigarettes." Rimmer warned, Lister paused and looked at Rimmer, he laid back on the bunk and grinned.
"Be bit ironic that – What you gonna do – Get the skutters to smoke them for you?" Lister chortled despite it being just the kind of thing Rimmer would do.
"Ha ha very funny Lister – any more of that disrespect and I will burn them."
"Oh get real Rimmer there's more chance of Holly regaining his IQ than you getting any respect."
"What's up dudes?" Holly answered at the call of his name, his goofy looking bald head replacing that of the car crash smile Esperanto teacher.
"Nothing Hol."
"I thought I heard someone say my name."
"You mean you're bored and was ease dropping." Lister edited.
"I resent that you're accusing me – ME! An AI computer with an IQ of 6000 of ease dropping on a conversation because I'm bored! How do you know I wasn't waiting for a suitable moment to warn you of imminent danger or deep space tracking tax men?" Holly finished his deadpan monologue and waited for a response.
"Is there?"
"Well no – Doesn't change the fact that there MIGHT have been!" Protested Holly.
"Right… God thanks a lot Rimmer." Lister said in an irritated tone.
"What did I do?"
"You woke me up didn't you!" Lister argued. He rolled off bed and landed with a heavy thud.
"Real smooth monkey." Cat commented as he jumped onto the floor graceful once more.
"You're a cat it's alright for you – You have a landing procedure with the feet and smeg." He pointed out as he stood up and walked to the door.
"You wanna go kill some hours playing the locker game Rimmer? Or are you too busy arguing that the phrase 'Which way to the nearest chemist?' is actually 'Please heat my tomato soup it's so cold!" Lister grinned as Rimmer's face darkened.
"You total, total git." Rimmer spat that he had brought the gespatcho soup issue into it to wind him up.
"And I'm not worried about the cigarettes – the cat blabbed on your latest hiding place again – seems like you're not the best hide and seek player on the ship anymore!"
"Fantastic." Rimmer scoffed.
"So are you coming or not?"
"Sure why not? I'm sure it'll be so much fun for you to watch me get the booby traps."
"It won't be that bad. Come on William Ramsay."
"Who?" Rimmer asked puzzled.
"He won some prize thing once for sciency smeg – He knew Esperanto!"
"Ha ha very funny – I suppose that piece of superb intellect was from a cereal box as well?"
"Nah, a penguin wrapper."
The two walked off out of the room leaving the Cat and Holly.
"So you done anything interesting today?" Holly asked monotonously.
"Baldy everything ABOUT me is interesting!" Cat insisted twirling round and watching his reflection.
"Life's not that interesting when you're a computer, alone in space for 3 million years with John Wayne obsessed skutters and a mental toaster. A computer who now has the sole purpose of keeping the last human alive sane by a man more irritating than my lost brain capacity." Holly finished his reply and waited for a reply but Cat wasn't listening and was leaving the room, still focused on his reflection.
"Oh well, there's that next April fools joke I could work on. Shame it's only August..."
Holly left the monitor and the Esperanto woman reappeared her scary smile and bleach white teeth dazzling an empty room.