A/N: Hey all – okay, no, I'm not high at the moment. Swear to it, I'm not. Now, I'm aware that where many of you live, it's already July 16th but here in Canada, nope, I've got a few hours so I just NEEDED to update. You know, to get it all out. My excitement, I mean.
Props to: Bite Beccy, Bail's Other Daughter, Steelo, Starryeyes10, Kitty X, martini1988, QueenOfAces, froggy0319, alix33, mjag, moonlight, nursejay80, AnMaDeRoNi, snugglebug, jaggurl, Anne, ficchic, dansingwolf, Radiorox, cbw, wishwaters, Rocket Rain, sgcgirl52, tlk29, JJScottishGirl, Blueangel, aj, French-navy girl, Marge, Jane, Tina Frank, highplainswoman, mac AND harm fan, Ali Baba, super ducky, tumblebuttons, AB, Abigiale, macandharmlover, jazzy, vhosek malacath, Britainy, MartiniMac, HighHeel Shoe Lover, Sirus 745, Fan, Pissed off Poet 1, southernqt, BrittanyLS, sugar230, K, Ilovemyselftoday, eggy weg, xobabygurlxo, Reni-Maniac, Cille, ForensicsFreak1988, HMtogether4ever, MaritzaCarmichael, Lara783, janessab, tizy, June, vrbinkaCZ, Cherise, DD2, Bekka, Lani-LoveNPain, Dessler, mommie, daisymh, Laura, confused, basketball babe8, and Strawberry Kittens!
Note: this chapter starts off in Mac's POV ('cause I know I lacked her part of the story last chapter – here's to make up for it all!)
If I Had
I have never eaten so much in my life. And that's saying something.
I sit here on our god ugly maroon couch with a tub of Ben and Jerry's cookie dough ice cream watching a rerun of the show Charmed. You know, I never did see the attraction of it. Charmed, I mean. A bunch of witches running around trying to do good while still keeping their slim figure to fit into their tights or whatever it is they wear? Harriet always like the show. She's one of those people. But now, as I sit here with my hormones taking charge of my body, I'm truly able to appreciate it. And, you know, if pregnancy's supposed to but a crimp in your social life – so be it. There is compensation. For example, I can eat however many tubs of ice cream I want because a) I can blame it on cravings and b) I'm going to get fat anyway – I'll lose all the weight afterwards (that's the plan, anyway).
I wonder where Jake is. I mean, I'm not worried about him. Really, I'm not. I don't even know him that well. I met him for a few days in Italy. No biggie. And now I've been living with him for a week. I guess it's just because that even a little time with Jake makes you feel like you know him forever. He's just got that type of a personality. You can talk to him once and feel like you've had the same conversation a million times. And it's not boring or anything – it's just comfortable.
I look at the clock on the wall. 12:30. No, I'm not worried. But I AM curious. Jake's been missing a lot lately. I don't mean to be nosey or anything. But with my hormones on end and having lately been seriously lacking a social life, I was rather craving a good story. And I didn't just mean the Charmed kind. I mean a real life and blood kind.
I wonder if it's a girl. Jake seemed like the kind of guy that would spend a lot of time with a girl. Or, well, maybe not a LOT of time – with him being uprooted every six months or so, but when he found someone that suited him, he did spend a lot of time with them. Jake seemed to be one of those generally nice guys. And having had much experience in the dating world, those really are very hard to come by. Except for Harm, of course. But things were really always very different with him. But that's what you want, right? Someone different from the rest?
Oh, I'm too hormonal. Do you think banana would go well with cookie dough ice cream? I think it would. Banana and . . . jelly beans. Yes, that's right. I made Jake run out at one a.m. yesterday to buy me jellybeans. He was sweet about it though. In the tired-semi-disgruntled type of way.
The sound of the door opening and closing jogs me out of my reveries. Jake comes striding in wearing a pair of tight fit Levi jeans and a navy button down shirt, not bothering to tuck it in. So completely Jake.
He empties out the contents of a Zehrs bag. (A/N: I don't know if you guys have Zehrs, where you live but it's like a gigantic . . . supermarket. Or a gigantic Safeway. If you all know what Safeway is.) "Hello, my Pregnant Princess."
Yes, he's become accustomed to these names and such. I elbowed him in the ribs the first time he called me 'Lady of the Loo' because I was peeing so damn much. But, I've come to realize that these names are actually meant to be somewhat affectionate, coming from Jake and all. "Ah, and if it isn't Prince Charming with paper towels and chunky monkey ice cream."
He grins at me and I take a temporary break from my cookie dough to try out a little chunky monkey. "So," I asked, slumping into a chair by the counter and digging a spoon into the ice cream (still in the carton.) "Where were you?"
Jake has his back to me as he empties out the rest of the bag of groceries. "Shopping."
"You were gone for eight hours shopping?" I asked, one eyebrow pointed to the sky. "Jeez, Jake. Next time just make a list like normal people."
Jake tries to look offended but fails to do so. "Well, I wasn't just shopping."
"Uh huh."
Jake takes a spoon and attempts to join me in my ice cream high but I bat him away with my spoon. I can hear him muttering something about mean pregnant ladies under his breath but I shoot him a pointed glare and he stops. "I was working."
"On?"
"My, aren't you the inquisitive one?" Jake grins. I've gotten used to Jake's play book. Stalling for time – smile. In trouble – smile. Asking questions – smile. Needless to say, Jake and Harm must have taken the same social class in high school.
"Na, I'm just plain nosey, now come on, what were you working on?" I inch the tub of ice cream a little closer to him as some form of bate. But Jake's not biting today.
"I'd tell you, except I wouldn't want to bore you," Jake retorts. I open my mouth to retaliate but Jake immediately stuffs a spoon of chunky monkey into it before I can get a word out.
"Besides," he said airily. "I bought you a present."
He reaches into the backpack he's taken to wearing and pulls out a large white book. 'BABY NAMES' is printed on the front. "And I know you said that you didn't want to decide on a name without Harm but . . . you know, there's nothing wrong with just looking. To get an idea of some names that you might like."
I smile at him. "That was really thoughtful of you, Jake."
"Not to mention kind and sweet," Jake grinned and took the absence of my spoon in the ice cream to be an invite for his. "So, have you decided whether you're going to find out the sex?"
I take an extra long time swallowing my spoon of ice cream. "I don't know . . . I don't want to find out without Harm. But at the same time I'm kind of . . . interested, you know? I really really want to know. But it just doesn't seem fair to Harm that HE couldn't know, too."
Jake nods silently. He doesn't want to tell me what he's thinking. I'm not so sure I want to know. A really long stretch of silence follows.
"You know, if I had a girl," Jake suddenly interrupts, fingering the bowl of ice cream rather than looking me in the eye. "I'd name her Jane."
I smile at him. "Why Jane?"
Jake shrugged. "I was a big Tarzan fan when I was little. You know? And Jane was . . . I don't know. She was real nice, in the adventurous kind of way. Kind of what I always pictured my daughter would be like. Sweet but spunky. Jane seemed to fit."
I nod, the name 'Jane' playing through my head, slowly and savoring every letter. "It's a pretty name."
Jake nods. He still won't meet my eyes.
"And if you had a boy?"
Jake looks up and grins at me. "I'd name him after me, of course. Need you ask?"
I push lightly on his shoulder. "You and your ego."
"Hey, Harm has a gigantic ego and you still love him," Jake accuses for and for a long moment I fall silent. I swear, you can hear the crickets through the open window. And we're on the SIXTH floor.
"Mac?" he whispers, like he thinks he's done something wrong.
I reflect a small saddened smile at him. "It's nothing, Jake. Really. I'm just wondering how he's doing and all. You know? I can't help it. He's. . ." I break off.
And Jake nods understandingly. "Don't worry, Mac. I'm sure our boy's doing fine . . ."
0132
28 Belleville Drive, Virginia
Vera's POV
"We have to tell him, Clay!" I whisper fiercely, my dark eyes flashing dangerously. "He has a right to know. He's the baby's father, Clay! This is serious."
"You don't think I know that?" Clay hissed back. "But you don't understand! Rabb will want to go help Mac and take care of the baby. And that will be it for him, Vera! Abbas's waiting out there somewhere . . . looking for some kind of weakness. Some sign. That was one of our only advantages right from the beginning! Harm's not married, he has no children, no really close family other than his mother and brother – and his brother's off the map, for God's sake! We can't find him. But a kid . . ." Clay's eyes are frantic. "That will change everything."
I'm mad now but I can see Webb's point of view and it's scaring me. "But he's a father, Clay. We owe it to him to tell him. We'll explain to him that he can't see Mac or the baby for fear of endangering him. Harm will understand. Harm will do anything to protect Mac and ditto goes for their baby. He'll cooperate. But we can't keep him in the dark likes this. Ignorance is dangerous, you said so yourself."
Clay looks at me very considerately and for a moment I thought he might give in but . . . "No. Rabb's driven by his emotions. He always has been – especially where Mac's concerned. He'll probably give himself up to Azhad before he lets one hair on Mac's head be hurt. He's stupid when it comes to love. He's irrational and it's dangerous when it comes to a situation like this. And not just to himself. Mac, and the baby, and even us, Vera."
I'm silent for a moment. Clay's eyes are passionate, but I know mine are too. Do I even dare detect that faint note of fear in Clay's voice? "But, Clay, put yourself in Harm's shoes. Wouldn't you want to know if you'd fathered a child?"
Clay's silent. "I pray that day never comes."
For a minute, I'm a little shocked and then, "You don't want to become a father?"
Clay shrugs. "Maybe one day. Maybe not. I don't know," he confessed. "I would never want to jeopardize the safety of my family and the only way I can do that is . . . to not have one."
A long pause on my end. "What about your mother? She and your father were both agents, weren't they? And they had you."
"And look how I turned out?" Clay hollered. "I'm a spook – day and night. My job IS my life, Vera! Who would want to marry into that? I don't want to have kids – I don't want to put them through that."
A long silence falls between us. I don't know how I could have ever missed this side of him before. "I want to have kids," I said slowly, my eyes not meeting his. "Well, maybe just one. Or two. Maybe two. It all depends how the first one works out, I guess." I shrug. "But nothing really seems to be working in my favor, these days."
"You and me both," Clay sighed. God, we're both so pathetic. Another long silence and then . . .
"Eric," I said firmly. "If I had to pick and English name for him it would be Eric."
Clay looks at me funny. "Why Eric?"
I shrug. "I sort of have this thing with backwards words. You know, like names and stuff. Eric backwards is 'Cire' and that sounds . . . you know – nice. Cire Dahza."
Clay smiles at me. "Cire Dahza, huh? What's your name backwards?"
"Full name?"
Clay shrugs. "Sure."
"Arev Allebasi Dahza," I said smiling, savoring the rich feel of my name. I almost liked it better backwards than front words. Very few names sounded good backwards. "Now, let's see yours would be . . ." I furrow my eyebrows. "Notyalc Bbew."
I bite my lip to keep myself from laughing. Like I said, very few names sound good backwards.
"Come on Clay, imagine you had a kid. Girl or boy – what would you name them?" I asked, slightly interested. Just another journey into the mind of Clayton Webb.
"I don't want to imagine," Clay snapped, turning away.
"Oh come on, Clay – if you had . . ." I began but was almost immediately cut off.
"Yeah, yeah, I know – if I had a son I'd name him Payton and a girl – I don't know, Page." Clay replies, with a look of surprise upon his face that he actually admitted that to me.
I stare at him for a minute. "Notyalc, Notyap and Egap Bbew." I'm struggling not to laugh. "Clayton, Payton and Page." God, does this man have no imagination?
"Hey, you asked," Clay replied defensively. "And now we're just off the subject. We were talking about Harm. Let's stick to that."
"Whatever," I replied coolly. "Yalc."
"Shut up, Vera."
"That's Arev to you."
Clay shoots me a venomous look. "What do you want to happen here, Vera? What do you want? Do you want Harm to find out that Mac's carrying around his baby? Do you want that? Do you want him to go chasing all over the countryside to aid her with diaper changing? Because he will. Do you want Abbas finding out about Mac and child? Because if we carry on at this rate – he will. And do you want that, Vera? Do you want us all dead within the next year and I don't care about Eric or Payton or Page because none of that will matter if Abbas finds out – which he will if we keep going about things the way we are now. And if we don't stop this whole damn plan from screwing up then we've got to keep our mouths shut!" he hollered.
He's staring at me, his eyes hot and angered. I fight to keep up my rivaling glare. We're staring at each other, the heat immense. And then . . .
The door closes.
Both our heads swivel almost mechanically to the door. It hadn't been . . . no, it wasn't open. We would have seen that before. But was it shut . . .
Clay and I exchange horrified glances.
Both of us sprint through the door at the exact same time and down the hall. But all we can see with the lights turned out is the closing door of someone's bedroom. And that someone is Catherine Gayle.
A/N: Betcha all though Harm was at the door, huh? Oh yeah, and we'll get a lot of Harm in the next chapter because he didn't show up in this one (he was he just . . . slipped away). Lol – omg, I began this chapter before Harry Potter had come and now . . . it's two in the morning! Do you know what that means? It means that tomorrow don't count on any updates because I'll be indulging myself in the fabulous writings of our very own JK Rowling. God, I owe so much to you people. Writing fanfic's a wonderful way to pass time.
Tizy: Angsty and drama-ish . . . you know, I might just add those words to my vocabulary! Seriously, I'm always making up words. It's practically a hobby. Ironicacy is my favorite. I know what you're thinking, the correct word is irony . . . but ironicacy sounds so much better. Oh, and one word that I used in this story a lot – until I found out it actually wasn't a word – is reunition. But never mind that, I'm just babbling – I hope you liked this chapter! (and I'll try and update more often)
Strawberry Kittens: oh, well, you know, some of the characters in this story you know aren't actually in JAG. I don't want you to get confused about that. Special Agents Vera Azhad and Jacob (Jake) Holter are my own fictional characters. Catherine Gayle, unfortunately, really does exist but is not nearly as blond as I've portrayed her (no offense to blonds or anything, but I really have written her very differently from her actual character – just for effect of the story). And I'm glad you're enjoying Full Throttle. It's always good to know someone likes something you've written. I hope you liked this chapter too!
Eggy Weg: thanks, I hope you liked this chapter too!
Bite Beccy: okay, not as soon as we all hoped . . . but hey, I updated on my other story. Does that give me credit? (No, not really . . . okay). Lol, thank you for updating on your story though!
Alix33: Oh. My. God. It came out! I don't know where you live but I'm just going to assume it came out for you too! I'm getting the book delivered to my house (aren't I lazy?) and I've just spent the last hour – well, writing this chapter, and mentally preparing myself! Lol, I'm a Harry/Hermione shipper and I don't mind Ron/Hermione. The only thing I really can't stand besides Cho/Harry (totally with you on there) is Draco/Hermione. I'm sorry to all DH shippers out there (my friend Steelo's one) but the thought revolts me. Though there was some sort of leak in books over in New Jersey and Ron supposedly dies but I haven't read it yet so all I can say right now is 'Say it isn't so . . .'
Abigaile: Oh, yeah – their roads will cross. I mean, okay – I know what's going to happen. And you will too. I just don't like to ruin surprises if you know what I mean. (Especially good surprises . . . or am I hinting too much now?) Lol – thanks for reviewing.
MaritzaCarmichael: I know this wasn't soon . . . forgive me?
ForensicsFreak1988: reading other people's responses isn't so sad . . . I mean, yeah, it's kind of sad but not the most pathetic it could be. And I'm officially flipping out right here. HBP is officially out! I mean, I don't have it 'cause it's being delivered to my doorstep today but . . . yeah, I'm celebrating! It's two-thirty in the morning, I'm the only one awake in the household and I'm partying for a book I don't even have yet! Am I nuts . . . need we ask?
Starryeyes10: thank you
LovexNxPain: Yeah, I tried to make up with my complete lack of Mac in the last few chapters with a good portion of her in this one. So next chapter . . . we'll definitely get a lot of Harm to make up for him in this chapter!
Dansingwolf: OF COURSE I'M AN HP FAN! Sorry, I didn't say that too loud, did I? HP Fan born and bred, my friend. HAVE YOU GOT THE BOOK ALREADY? Last shout – I promise. Mine's coming in . . .oh, a few hours. Two thirty in the morning over here . . .yeah, I'm a little tired but I was way to energized to get to sleep. But I suppose I've got to, so I can be at least semi awake when the mailman brings me my copy (which he better as soon as POSSIBLE). As for writing stuff other than fanfic – well, that's what I begun doing you know. Ever since I was . . . six, I think I've wanted to become an author (see email address for further proof of said obsession) and so I used to write a lot of orginal fic, and I still do. Especially since the summer vacation started. I've been playing around with this idea for a story and I started it yesterday and it's going well. Slowly but . . . the slower I go the better it seems to work. I always used to think of fanfiction as a way to have fun with writing. Like, original fiction was like work. It was . . . hard. Fanfiction flows easily, and it's fun to write, it's fun to get reviews, the whole concept is just fun. So I can sit down in two hours and finish a chapter of Full Throttle. With my original story I would be lucky to get one chapter down in a day. I suppose that's why I like fanfiction so much. It flows easily. Oh yes, and Vera's last name is Arabic. There's a whole story behind that which I'm getting to. Actually, when I was in India for the Spring Break and I was still coming up with Full Throttle, the whole concept and the characters, I was reading an Agatha Christi novel on a train from Madras to Banglore and one of the characters in her book's name was Vera. And I just thought how perfect that name would be for . . . well, Vera. But I had a whole history behind her (Chegwidden will come into that – I'm just taking a while getting to it) and I wanted an Arabic last name and the man in front of me on the train had a newspaper and on the cover it said 'AZHAD STRIKES AGAIN' and I liked that last name. It happened just like that. Vera Azhad. Oh, and in ways of Hindi movies – I'm staying in tomorrow to read the Half Blood Prince and my dad's taking my sister to the new Shah Rukh Khan film. But I did see Black when I was in India and it was very good (easy to follow because of much English!) lol
Kitty X: I'm sorry you didn't like the last chapter. Hopefully, you liked this one more.
Vhosek malacath: sorry I didn't update sooner! I got tied up with my other story. Forgive me? Hope you liked this chapter.
marineJAG: yes, I'm doing a little dance right now. HBP's out! 'Course, now I'll spend all tomorrow reading it . . . lol, very good you've got your husband standing in line. I'll be barricading myself all tomorrow in my house waiting for my deliveryman to get here. Lol, hope you liked this chapter!
snugglebug: okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little about Harm's reaction. Well, actually – I don't know that yet. I haven't penned it down. But it's gonna be BIG. You know, hit the roof kind of big. Lol, hope you liked this chapter.
froggy0319: wow, you review fast! I'd like posted the chapter five minutes before I got your review! Seriously, I usually wait hours before I get the first one. And then they all come in but you . . . you're fast. (And though bribery has tended to work in the past – for the first time in my life I've actually worked out in advance what's going to happen in this story so . . . you'll still be pleased because there's a lot of HM!)