Do chickens have butts? Ask me later and I'll tell you twice.
!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()!#$&()+
Temari and Kankuro skipped off towards Chouji's house, unaware of Gaara's odd predicament. Well, actually, it was only Kankuro that skipped. Temari walked along calmly, having a random flashback.
…FLASHBACK…
"Kankuro! What are you doing!" exclaimed Temari, "Why are you putting marijuana in my cookie dough?"
She had left the room for about five seconds, and when she had come back, Kankuro was already messing around with her cooking again. Honestly!
"Muahahaha! I AM A BEAVER! WATCH MY OBSCENE IMITATION OF A DIFFERENT BEAVER!" yelled Kankuro, possibly on crack.
"Why, Kankuro, why?" Temari burst into tears, "I just wanted to make some nice cookies for Itachi! You ruin everything!"
Kankuro looked ashamed of himself because he had made his sister cry. He did his beaver imitation to try to cheer her up.
…END FLASHBACK…
Temari whacked Kankuro in the head.
"Ow! What was that for!" yelled an outraged Kankuro, who wasn't watching where he was going and fell into a puddle of jell-o.
"That was for the time you put marijuana in the cookies I was making for Itachi!"
"Sorry," said Kankuro, but he wasn't really paying attention. He was fighting over the jell-o with a male prostitute that looked suspiciously like Kiba's dad.
…MEANWHILE…
"So, Gaara, do you want me to help you take off your pants?" asked Naruto innocently.
"No," snarled Gaara, backing away. Then he passed out because his pants were so tight.
"Leave him, we have more important things to do!" said Sasuke, looking at Shino, who was chasing some bugs down the street, followed by a random stampede of penguins, "We still need to trim the Hokage's hedges."
"But he'll die if we don't take his pants off!" pleaded Naruto, watching Akamaru run past, being chased by Kiba wearing a sombrero.
"She's a girl dressed like a girl, I don't see any cross-dressing there!" yelled Kiba. He was wearing a shirt that said "Boner" on it.
"Fine, fine," muttered Sasuke, and he deftly pulled off Gaara's pants. "Now let's go."
And so Gaara lay unconscious in Naruto's front garden, wearing a cowboy hat and his boxers. (which said "Kiba World Tour" on them) He stole those from Shino's underwear drawer. Don't ask why Gaara was going through Shino's underwear. And don't ask why Shino has underwear that say Kiba's name on them. At least he doesn't wear thongs.
Oh yeah, and don't ask why Kiba has a World Tour.
Naruto and Sasuke arrived in front of the Hokage's hedges, ready to trim them.
"Hey, Sasuke! Naruto!" yelled Sakura, who was already waiting there, "You guys are late!"
"Naruto wouldn't come until I took off Gaara's pants," replied Sasuke, before he realized how wrong that sounded.
Sakura looked horrified.
"Hey, how come you could get those pants off Gaara so easily when he couldn't even get them off himself?" asked Naruto.
"I'm used to taking leather pants off people," explained Sasuke calmly, "It used to be my job."
The old Hokage barged outside, luckily, before this conversation could be continued.
"What are you three hooligans doing!" he demanded.
"Waiting for Kakashi-sensei. We have a mission today to cut your heges," Sakura explained.
"No, no, no!" the Hokage said, "You don't have any missions today! Kakashi is playing strip poker with me, Tsunade and Asuma today!"
"Where's the perverted Hermit?" asked Naruto pointlessly.
"He's sneaking around in my house, hoping I won't see him, so he can use my crystal ball to spy on naked girls."
"Oh. Okay."
The Hokage went back inside.
"We don't have a mission today!" spat Naruto, randomly yelling in Sasuke's face, "Why did you tell me we did, Sasukkkkkkke?"
"My name only has one 'k'," replied Sasuke, "And Kakashi told me we were supposed to be doing this today!"
Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura went inside to yell at Kakashi. They found him half naked, losing at strip poker.
"There's no way out, now, Kakashi," cackled Asuma, "you must take off that mask sooner or later!"
Kakashi let out a small sigh. His hand reached up towards his mask… pulling it down…
He had another, identical mask underneath.
Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto left. On their way home, they passed by Rock Lee, who was trimming the Hokage's hedges to look like shiny teeth. Gai was cheering him on.
Sasuke walked back to his house, followed by Sakura and Naruto.
"Go home now!" he yelled, because they started following him into his house.
They were too lazy, so they decided to go to Chouji's house instead.
Shikamaru was lying on the floor, watching some stupid soap opera cooking show because he was too lazy to change the channel. Chouji sat beside him, eating chips. Then Shikamaru had to go pee, so he crawled over to the bathroom. When he got there, he was too lazy to aim, so his pee sprayed all over the place.
"Damn! Curses! Double merde!" cursed Shikamaru, switching to french to express himself better.
"Don't worry about that!" came a singsong voice that was becoming all too familiar to Shikamaru. Kankuro.
"L'enfoiré!" sighed Shikamaru. Indeed, it was Kankuro, still dressed up in a maid's outfit.
"Let me get that for you!" squealed Kankuro, barging in with a mop and a bucket, and starting to clean up Shikamaru's pee.
Shikamaru quickly left the bathroom, avoiding any further confrontation with Kankuro, who was really beginning to scare him.
That's when Naruto and Sakura arrived at Chouji's house. Naruto managed to ring the bell 36.343 times before Temari answered. She really wasn't a very good butler!
"Hello! Come in," said Temari in her best butler voice, "May I take your coats?"
Neither Sakura nor Naruto were wearing coats, so they politely declined.
"Hey guys!" called Chouji. Naruto and Sakura sat down on the couch beside him, watching the soap opera cooking show. It was called "Grandmother's Woe" which really had nothing to do with the plot. The plot was about an octopus who liked salt just a little too much, if you get my drift.
Naruto started drooling on the couch. Nobody noticed.
This is getting rather boring, so let us see what Shino and Kiba are doing. No, it's not R rated. Well, actually it is. R for retarded.
Shino stopped running. He was exhausted. He couldn't find the bug he was chasing. Because he stopped, the horde of penguins caught up to him and began to mug him. All they managed to get was a plastic raincoat and a claustrophobic kohl. But before they could do worse damage, Kiba chased them away with his sombrero.
"Are you okay?" Kiba asked, helping Shino up.
Shino nodded. "Why does your shirt say 'Boner' on it?"
"Akamaru told me to get it. He thought it would be funny. But whenever I wear it, Kankuro always chases me around trying to steal it!"
"Well, I lost my underwear," said Shino, changing the subject, "Gaara was at my house and then they mysteriously vanished."
Kiba looked confused for a second. Then he realized what Shino was talking about, and a grin spread across his face.
"You mean… those underwear… for my World Tour?"
Shino nodded. Kiba's grin widened. BUT….
"Excuse me," interrupted Itachi. He was sitting on the side of the road, smoking some cookies that Temari had made for him. Shino and Kiba sat down beside him. Kiba took a cookie.
"He'll die from suffocation if you take that," whispered a surviving penguin, "cookie means air in Japanese, so if you take that away, he'll suffocate without oxygen. He'll die."
Kiba smacked the penguin with his sombrero, but he gave Itachi back his cookie in the off chance that the penguin was right.
"I wondering if you two could help me," asked Itachi, "I'm making a list."
"A list?" asked Kiba.
"101 ways to use Naruto," grinned Itachi, the wrinkles under his eyes crinkling up as he did so.
…MEANWHILE…
Shikamaru walked down the hall after his bathroom break to join the others. On his way, he noticed a small shop. It was called 'Mister Sand'.
"Ooooohh!" gushed Shikamaru. He quickly went inside. It was a little shop full of touristy things and souvenirs. Shikamaru had a weakness for these things, so he bought a postcard. He walked out of the shop, looking at what he had bought. The picture showed Chouji sitting in front of his house. There were words saying "I've been to this house!"
"That cost me $1.72," sighed Shikamaru, "How kitschy!"
He walked into the room where Naruto and the others were watching Grandmother's Woe.
"This is based on a true story," sighed Sakura, wiping a tear from her eye.
"That poor 7 legged octopus!" sobbed Naruto.
"What a tragic ending," remarked Temari tearfully, leaning over the back of the couch.
Only Chouji seemed unaffected. "I wonder if octopus really tastes that good with salt?"
"Almost as good as the Brave Little toaster!"
Shikamaru didn't even turn to see who had spoken last. He already knew. Kankuro. Shikamaru only stopped to write a message on his postcard and put it in a mailbox before he ran.
Shikamaru doesn't run often, I know. But when he does… Oh boy. I guess it came from all those years of running away so he didn't have to do chores or training. But Kankuro's not a bad runner himself. And he needed to know that shadow jutsu. So he gathered up his skirts in his hand and chased Shikamaru down the street, still in guise of a maid.
Around this time, Gaara woke up. Realizing that he had no pants, he quickly went to Washington D.C. to get some.
"Hi George," said Gaara to the president.
"The usual, Gaara?" asked the pres.
Gaara nodded. He got his pants (specially made by George W. Bush who used to be a hillbilly tailor before his days as president of the United States (don't forget to emphasize the 'U' when you say United States)), and quickly returned to Konoha.
'I must return to my stalking activities,' thought Gaara, 'Where is Uchiha?'
As if on cue, a mailman skipped by, delivering Shikamaru's postcard. Gaara was of course suffering from jet lag (he had just been in the good old U.S. of A. remember?) so he was somewhat disoriented. Instead of thinking of asparagus, as he usually did when he saw a mailman, he thought of Uchiha. In his tired little mind, he believed that the mailman would lead him to Sasuke. So Gaara followed the mailman.
Now, by some odd twist of fate, Shikamaru had mailed the postcard to none other than that stuck-up Uchiha brat, and so Gaara was lead to Sasuke's house by the postman.
Sasuke was bored, so he tried to phone Neji. The line was busy. Sasuke was still bored, so he turned on the TV. All that was on was reruns of Grandmother's woe. He settled down to watch, but he couldn't sit still. Something was bothering him, nagging at him from the back of his mind, but he couldn't think of what.
Maybe I forgot to feed Chouji today, he thought, Naw. I don't feed Chouji on Thursdays. Hmmm… Did I leave the microwave on? No… All I have in my kitchen is a fridge and a toaster oven. I don't even have a table! Maybe I was supposed to meet Kakashi for a game of lacrosse? But I broke my lacrosse stick on Naruto's head last week, and Kakashi's busy playing strip poker today… Wait! I know! I forgot to check the mail this morning! Maybe I got something from my aunty today! Yes, that's it! She always mails me on Thursdays!
Sasuke jumped from the couch and ran outside just as the postman arrived. The postman happened to be Kiba's dad, who had a lot of odd jobs around Konoha besides being a gigolo. He tried to kidnap Hinata once, but no one knew why.
"Hello, Sasuke!" said Kiba's dad, smiling in an odd sort of way that Sasuke didn't much appreciate, "Got a letter for you today!"
"Deathwish children live in little towns," hummed Sasuke softly, ignoring the seductive look Kiba's dad was giving him, and snatching the postcard out of Kiba's dad's hands, "It must be from my aunty!"
As we all know, Gaara's dad was a rabbit. You may have seen him as a human, but that wasn't his REAL dad. Gaara's REAL dad was a rabbit.
So anyways, Gaara saw Sasuke and smirked. "Fear for your life, Uchiha!" he crowed, "For at dawn… YOU WILL DIE! MUAHAHAHHAHA!" Any other trace of sane thought was wiped away by Gaara's evil laughter.
Sasuke closed the door in Kiba's dad's face and sat down on the couch to read his postcard.
It said: "Uonce apon a time ther was a tree the tree said "I have 100 leves! and I like ice cream;" the tree's baboon frend like's bananas and driving and beer! The trees werst-enemy is the giraf because he etes trees body. Tree's mom seys he etes too much nutriens from the soyle and drink's to much water his frend seys he play's too much and dosen't doo his homwerk but he dosen't even go to scool.
Luv from aunty."
"Oh aunty," whispered Sasuke tearfully. Aunty's letters always made him cry. Well, they were really letters from Shikamaru, but Sasuke didn't know that. Sasuke didn't even realize that even if he had had an aunt, Itachi would have killed her 5 years ago in the Uchiha massacre.
But Shikamaru just liked writing to Sasuke, pretending to be his illiterate aunt. It was something he enjoyed doing, and he wrote to Sasuke every Thursday (and sometimes more often) without fail. One time he even sent Sasuke a zamboni on his birthday.
After re-reading the letter several times, and crying his heart out, Sasuke got bored. He decided to try phoning Neji again. This time, the line was not busy, but he got the answering machine.
"Hi, you have reached the branch Hyuuga household," came Neji's bored voice, "We are not available right now, blah, blah, blah. I have a little X on my forhead, to somehow show that I'm a bird in a cage that will someday be set free! I will fly! Free! FREE! And the world will never again know hate, or prejudice. I will set my goals. I will become a diplomat so that ordinary peoples' laws do not affect me! I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD! If you leave your name and number, I could call you back! Unless you have a dingo. I really hate dingos. Damn little dogs. Oh, and that reminds me, Kiba, stop making prank calls to this number. Don't make me come over there and you-know-what your dog in the ass. Neji out."
beep
…LATER…
Neji came home tired from his mission. Clipping the hedges was hard enough, but having to do it in the shape of shiny teeth with Gai watching to make sure the teeth were perfect… Well, it was pure torture from Neji's point of view.
The first thing he did was check his answering machine.
"You have 7 new messages." came the monotone voice.
Message 1: Kiba
"Hi! Is George there?"
Message 2: Kiba
"Hi! This is George!"
Message 3: Kiba
"Is your refrigerator running… a marathon? Haha."
Message 4: Kiba
"John A. MacDonald was the reincarnation of William Shakespeare."
Message 5: Kiba
"I sing opera."
Message 6: Kiba
"Hey, Neji. Come over and you-know-what my dog in the ass. He's a horny son of a bitch! No, really. He's a son of a bitch."
Message 7: Sasuke "Thank God! Someone sane!" exclaimed Neji, relieved.
"Hi, um… Neji? This is Sasuke. I just wanted to—WHAT THE HELL? Gaara! What are you doing here!"
"MUAHAHAHA! I WILL suck YOUR blood!"
"AHHHH! Get off me! HELP!"
"Teach me the sharingan or I will shove your head so far up your ass you'll have to eat shit for a week!"
"Bring it on, you black-eyed blob!"
"Who you callin' a blob! RAHHHHHH!"
BOOM! CRASH! RATTLE RATTLE! BAM! POW! CRASH!
"Uchiha! Time to die!"
"Thought you wanted to learn the sharingan, not kill me!"
"Teach me and perhaps I'll spare your worthless life."
"No."
"Please?"
"You can't learn it, blob!"
"Who you callin' a blob! RAHHHHHHH!"
BANG! CRASH! BOOM! etc…
"Gonna have to call you back, Neji."
"Desert Coffin!"
"Electric Chakra thingy that Kakashi taught me awhile ago!"
KABLOOIE
The message stopped. Apparently, Sasuke's phone had exploded. Neji sighed. It had been another long day. He decided to take an aspirin and turn in early for the night.
…MEEEEEANWHILE! (try singing it to the tune of the gorilla song)…
Shino and Kiba had been busy. Oh so busy. They had had a very full day working for Itachi. The list of 101 ways to use Naruto was almost complete. They were so involved in their work they only stopped once (and that was for Kiba to call Neji several times). They were so involved, in fact, that they didn't even notice when Kiba's dad kidnapped Hinata and replaced her with a turkey. Even when Sasuke and Gaara ran by, blasting each other like DrangonBallZ gone wrong, they barely looked up from their work. They just kept on truckin'.
"Take this you bastard!" said Gaara, aiming a half-hearted punch in the general direction of Sasuke's head. It hit Sasuke in the pocket instead and a letter fell out.
"What's this, now?" sneered Gaara, bending down to pick it up.
"Nothing!" yelled Sasuke, hastily reaching for the letter.
But the turkey pretending to be Hinata snatched up the letter before either of them could.
"Gobble gobble gobble!" it cried. It ran off before either Sasuke or Gaara realized it wasn't Hinata.
Now, it turns out that Kiba's dad was hired to kidnap Hinata by none other than Orochimaru, who was living in Kiba's attic. The turkey was also one of Orochimaru's loyal minions, and so it brought him the letter. It was a letter that Sasuke's aunty (aka Shikamaru) had sent him last week.
"What is this, Hinata turkey?" asked Orochimaru, pulling on a purple sweater. Kiba's attic was rather drafty. Nor nearly adequate for a high-ranking criminal genius such as himself, but it was the only place with free Internet access and a swimming pool with a slide.
"I asked what is that!" repeated Orochimaru impatiently. He was looking forward to a dip in the pool, but he was waiting for the turkey to leave first.
"Gobble gobble gobble!" answered the turkey. Orochimaru snatched the letter from the turkey and sat down on his bed to read.
"M.r. bongalo cabbage
if you d'ont let me eat your poo, I will poo you, and you will be sad so let me eat your poo, and if you do the folloing things, I will be mad too if you eat Pungo, or take a submerine to the goby desert, go scalunking on the mountens of suig, eat fish on my favret plate, summon your veggies to chop themselvs, write guruny on your bath-tub, stue some water, say scum-tum-rump, all that will upset me so d'ont do them and keep Pepermen the pig off my lawn, and d'ont let my munky on the brige, so let e eat your poo……. OK, JUST STOP BUGGNG ME!
Luv aunty."
Orochimaru stared. Orochimaru scratched his head. Orochimaru wondered who had sent this letter to him. Who wanted to… eat his shit! What the hell? And who was this person to boss him around! What if he wanted to take a submarine to the Gobi Desert! And Peppermen the pig could wander on whoever's lawn he bloody well pleased!
"No one can stop you, Peppermen!" cooed Orochimaru. He petted the head of a fat pig sitting beside him. Peppermen oinked in agreement.
"Now…" said Orochimaru, "Where is Kiba's dad? He should have Hinata by now!"
And sure enough, in about five seconds, Kiba's dad burst through the door with Hinata in tow.
"Excellent!" crowed the evil maniac, "Leave us now, father of Kiba!"
Kiba's dad left.
"W-what do y-you want?" asked Hinata nervously. She wondered why Kiba's dad had delivered her to Orochimaru.
"Not much…" sneered Orochimaru. He walked closer to her and bent down so his face was at the same level as hers, "You need to teach me something."
"T-to yoyo?" asked Hinata. She was the world yoyo champ. But why would Orochimaru—
Her thoughts were cut off by the snakeman's voice. "No. I know how to yoyo, my dear. What I want is more complicated… Come with me."
He began to walk downstairs. Not knowing what else to do, Hinata followed…