For three nights now… there's been some drunken guy singing outside my window. It's true. And it's scary. I can't sleep.
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Hinata followed Orochimaru down the attic stairs into a brightly lit kitchen where Kiba was eating dinner with his family. Kiba passed a bit of broccoli to Akamaru, but Akamaru didn't want it and he fell off of Kiba's head. Kiba looked over and for a split second he thought he saw Hinata and Orochimaru walking into the backyard, but when he looked back they were gone. He returned to force-feeding broccoli to his dog.
"Um, Orochimaru?" asked Hinata nervously. They were now in Kiba's backyard.
"What is it, sensei?" asked Orochimaru.
Hinata was slightly fazed by Orochimaru calling her 'sensei' but she figured he was just being his weird evil self. "Why are we in… Kiba's house?"
"Nonsense! We are merely in his backyard! Anyway, this is where the lessons must take place sensei," he answered.
"Yes… my subordinate." Hinata whipped out her yoyo and started 'walking the dog'. Kiba liked that particular trick.
"Foolish sensei! You must not teach me to yoyo! I am already capable of that! I was the runner up in the world championships, beaten only by you! Surely you remember…"
"Ah, yes, my underling," replied Hinata. She was no longer stuttering. It's amazing, the self-confidence you get when someone calls you 'sensei', "Your 'around the world' technique was not quite up to scratch."
Orochimaru hung his head in shame.
"Don't worry about it! I'm sure I can give you some pointers!" Hinata said cheerfully. She even gave Orochimaru a pat on the head!
"No! Sensei… this is not what I need… I need you to teach me…" Orochimaru hesitated, making sure no one was listening, "… how to swim!"
Hinata looked at Orochimaru for a moment, then burst into a huge grin. "No prob! I am—"
"—an undefeated world champion at breaststroke?" Orochimaru finished for her.
Hinata nodded, "I am the world champion at most things… except for one. Taking leather pants off people. At that one thing only… Sasuke managed to beat me. And I have sworn revenge."
"Sensei! At your side, I shall help take vengeance upon Uchiha for his arrogance! …As soon as I have learned to swim," swore Orochimaru.
"Very good," said Hinata.
And so the lessons began.
…MEANWHILE…
Kankuro looked left. Then he looked right. Where was Shikamaru! He had been following him, now he was nowhere in sight… Wait! Was that really a large bottle of mustard? Or was it Shikamaru in disguise? It must be Shikamaru! That conniving little brat! Kankuro quickly ran over and grabbed the mustard out of the hands of a man trying to sell hotdogs.
"I have found you Shikamaru! You try to outsmart me? The lovely Kangaroo maid? You will never succeed!" Kankuro began laughing evily. He squeezed the mustard bottle and some mustard landed on Kabuto, who happened to be the guy selling hotdogs.
"Oh no!" shouted Shikamaru, who wasn't the bottle of mustard in disguise. He was a bottle of ketcup in disguise, and thought Kankuro had found him out. He quickly shed the ketchup costume he had been hiding in and ran away.
Kankuro handed the mustard bottle back to Kabuto and followed closely.
"AHHHHH! Damn turkey!" swore Sasuke, "Stole my letter!"
"Fight with me!" yelled Gaara, "I must learn the sharingan at all costs!"
"Why, you blob?"
"DO NOT CALL ME BLOB! I WILL KILL YOU FOR YOUR IMPUDENCE!"
"Blob."
"Do not call me by that name!" Gaara was on the verge of tears! That damn Sasuke… bringing up painful memories.
"Nyah nyah nyah blob blob!" cried Sasuke. He didn't understand why the word 'blob' upset Gaara so much, and he didn't really care, either. This battle was about honor! He would win at all costs.
"This battle is about honor, right, Sasuke?" asked Gaara, trying not to let his tears show.
"You read my mind! That's why I'm going to win!" Sasuke answered haughtily, and then, as an afterthought, "Blob!"
"Then… don't call me that name! It hurts my pride and calls up memories of things better left forgotten."
Sasuke looked at Gaara for a brief moment. Was it really worth hurting Gaara's feelings just to win? Yes, of course. "BLOBBBBBBBB!" yelled Sasuke.
And that's when Gaara cracked.
He took a shovel and shoved it right up against Sasuke's chest.
"Don't make me use this."
Sasuke merely laughed in defiance. How would a shovel-wielding wacko like Gaara beat him? Too bad he didn't know the truth… "Bl-"
He didn't get to finish his sentence. Garra took the shovel apart and pushed the blade over his face like a mask. He stuck the stick part in the ground and started dancing around it. With the mask on, he looked like some freakish guy wearing a shovel on his face.
"NOOOOO!" cried Sasuke, dropping to his knees and raising a bitter fist at the sky. "Gaara! You shall pay… one day."
And then Sasuke vanished off the face of the earth. No one has seen him since. JUST KIDDING! He went home.
Gaara smirked to himself. Ha! That Uchiha bastard lost pitifully and without resistance to his "Mega Shovel no jutsu". But then something occurred to Gaara. He had still not learned the sharingan. DAMN THAT UCHIHA! That fight had been fruitless, after all. He sat down heavily. Too bad it happened to be on Shikamaru's face.
Gaara looked down when heard a muffled yell from underneath him.
"What are you doing there?" he asked.
"Hiding from Kankuro," admitted Shikamaru, "Please don't let him find me!"
"I don't care if he finds you or not! It isn't my business."
"Please, Gaara! Have mercy! If you help hide me, I'll pay you back someday! I'll do anything!" gasped Shikamaru, "As long as it involves no effort…" he muttered under his breath.
Gaara smiled evily. "Alrighty," he agreed. And he sat on Shikamaru's head again, just as Kankuro ran in.
"Have you seen Shikamaru?" asked Kankuro, out of breath.
"No, I haven't, Kankuro!" lied Gaara.
"Call me Kangaroo. We still have a mission to accomplish." Then he ran into a closet. And no one knows why there was a closet there, in the middle of the sidewalk. The architect must have been drunk.
"Sooooo…." said Gaara. He bought an ice cream and sat on Shikamaru's head to eat it, "from now on, you will be my personal chair."
Shikamaru was fine with that. At least he didn't have to move around.
While Kankuro was wandering around in the closet (it was a pretty big closet, by the way) he met Itachi.
"Hello Itachi!" said Kankuro.
"Hello Kankuro." said Itachi.
Then they went their separate ways.
Itachi left the closet, and went to Kiba's house to see if his list was done yet.
It was.
Meanwhile, Temari was the only one of the three sand ninjas to be making any progress on the mission. Sigh, what would this world come to without women?
Temari was sitting on the couch with Chouji, watching Grandmother's Woe, and eating chips. It was reruns again… Well, what do you expect! Grandmother's Woe only has ONE episode! Of course there're reruns! But Temari wasn't slacking off! She was working hard at the mission.
"Chomp chomp chomp." Chouji and Temari were eating a lot of chips. Temari had found out that to use Chouji's technique, you had to be… how do I say this delicately… a little on the heavy side. So she was busy packing on the pounds.
"Mmmmph!" exclaimed Chouji, through a mouthful of chips.
"MmmMmmmPHH!" agreed Temari thoughtfully, also eating chips. I have NO idea what they're saying…
That was around the time when Itachi knocked on the door. Temari stood up to answer it. Her hand was greasy from all those chips, so it took her a while to turn the doorknob properly. While she was doing this, Itachi rang over 45 times! As I said, Temari was not exactly made of butler material.
When Temari finally managed to open the door, Itachi came in.
"Temari! How I have missed you!" he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around his beloved.
"As I have missed you, my darling Itachi." she whispered, returning the hug.
"Can you stop with the mushy stuff!" yelled Chouji from the living room, "I'm trying to watch Grandmother's Woe here!"
They apologized profusely.
"Where have you been, Itachi-kun?" asked Temari.
"On a voyage. But none of it matters now that I am back by your side!" said Itachi.
"Oh Itachi!"
"Oh Temari!"
They hugged.
Chouji yelled at them again, because they were starting to make out noisily.
They both apologized again.
"You look a bit different since I last saw you!" exclaimed Itachi, looking at Temari.
"Well…" she replied, "It HAS been three months!"
"Yes, yes. I suppose. But something seems different… I can't quite place it though… Did you get a new haircut?"
"No…"
"New teeth?"
"NO!"
"Wait! I know! You've gained about 500 pounds!"
"YES!" exclaimed Temari.
Itachi was not exactly excited at the idea of having an obese girlfriend. He was afraid she might squash him. But since he loved Temari with all of his heart, he tried not to let it show.
"I—it looks good!" he lied.
Temari burst into tears. "I can tell you're lying! You probably hate me now!"
Itachi looked shocked. "Of course I don't hate you! It doesn't matter how you look on the outside, it's how you are on the inside that counts! I will always love you! You're such a nice person! Plus, you make the best cookies that I have ever tasted in my whole life! Whenever I eat them, I get all happy inside… Everything seems surreal… like a dream or something!"
"That's only because Kankuro puts drugs in them," sniffed Temari, "I don't care about this mission anymore! I'm not going to live the rest of my life like this!"
And so she started working out. She went to the gym everyday until she had returned to normal. Itachi took over her butlering duties.
…ELSEWHERE…
"LESSON NUMBER TWENTY EIGHT!" yelled Hinata. She had become quite aggressive over the last few days. She had been to all sorts of professional counselors over the years, but the no one had been able to make a difference in her confidence levels. Until Orochimaru came along.
It's pretty sad, that an insane criminal can do, for free, what those shrinks who get paid over a hundred bucks an hour can't.
"Yes sensei!" cried Orochimaru, practicing his breaststroke. After awhile, Hinata threw a paperweight in the pool and watched it sink. She laughed evilly. Then she found a slug, and quite enjoyed herself as she watched it writher in pain as she sprinkled salt on it. It seemed that Orochimaru was having more of an effect on her than she had planned. Ah, well. Being evil was fun.
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Last night, I SWEAR I heard a duck outside my window… damn window. And a raccoon was in our swimming pool. My dad saw it.