During these times, Kiba rarely ventured into his backyard. He was afraid of the consequences, since the last time he tried to go swimming Hinata threatened him with bodily harm.
"Get out of here!" she had barked, "Do not interfere with my lessons or you shall find yourself short several limbs!"
And so Kiba, quite sadly, went back inside. He was quite depressed. Hinata, once his friend, was sadly neglecting him for Orochimaru. So he decided to go to the best substitute, Hinata turkey, for condolence.
"Oh Hinata turkey," he sobbed, trying on one of Orochimaru's purple sweaters, "I don't know what to do! I feel so depressed, and I feel like I don't have any friends!"
"Gobble gobble gook," the turkey replied wisely.
"Shino?" Kiba replied, "But he hasn't called me in weeks! What kind of friend doesn't call you in weeks?"
"Goodle gobble," said the turkey.
"Oh… yes. I forgot about that! Yes, you're right. We did see each other yesterday. I remember now. I saved him from the penguins. However… I guess it's Hinata that I'm really missing."
"Gook!" the turkey yelled, and launched itself into Kiba's arms.
"Oh, Hinata turkey!" cried Kiba, "you've been here all along!" And he embraced the turkey. "We shall never again be parted."
….SOMEWHERE ELSE….
Shikamaru was perfectly happy being Gaara's chair. He didn't have to move. He found it quite nice, actually. And Kankuro could never find him. There was only one problem.
When Thursday rolled around, Shikamaru remembered what he had to do. He had to write a letter to Sasuke! He couldn't let poor Sasuke think that Aunty was neglecting him! With a jolt, Shikamaru reached up and grabbed some paper and pens. And he set busily to work.
….MEANWHILE….
Akamaru barked, but Kiba payed no attention. He was too busy with Hinata turkey. They went to the amusement park, and he bought her ice cream and they rode on the Ferris Wheel together. When they were at the very top, Hinata turkey clutched Kiba's hand. They sat there for what seemed like an eternity. Then the wheel began to turn again, and the moment was broken.
Later, they went to a little seaside café. They would have gone to a Korean restaurant, but a crazy old lady thought Hinata turkey was cabbage and tried to make her into kim chi. So the two had to leave. But barring this incident, the outing went beautifully. Kiba came home in a daze, so marvelously happy.
Unfortunately, the same could not be said for Akamaru. Kiba was totally ignoring the dog who used to be his best friend! Akamaru remembered well those hazy summer days, those long walks in the park, the games of fetch and the rides on Kiba's head. How could Kiba have forgotten? And all for a simple turkey.
Akamaru didn't like the turkey. Not in the slightest bit. In fact, as the days went by, and summer turned to winter, he began to hate the turkey with all of his heart. One day, he thought, one day that turkey will pay for its insolence. I will see to that.
And so, one day, Kiba called Hinata turkey and she did not come. He began to worry. He searched every nook and cranny for his beloved, but no matter how high or how low he searched, she could not be found.
This, of course, was Akamaru's doing. Late one night, he had kidnapped Hinata turkey and deported her to Taiwan, where she could live alone for the rest of her days. (Well, not entirely alone. I'm sure someone would have taken her in.)
Kiba was completely distraught. "Now that Hinata turkey is gone," he wailed, "What shall I do?"
Akamaru emitted a small bark. And for the first time in weeks, Kiba looked down at his little friend.
"I'm sorry, Akamaru," he said. And he picked up the small dog, "I have been very foolish. few days later, Sasuke received a letter from Aunty. He was overjoyed, and ripped it open.
This is what it said:
I'm on to you. I know you're me old uncle Alfred in disguise. I had suspicions from the start, but now i have proof.
Only Alfred says "Hey Farmer! HAHAHA!"
You call me a freak of nature.
You are secretly a man.
Your telephone does not seem to work.
You are constantly changing your name.
Your fingers itch for the remote control.
You do not own a first edition pokemon card.
You live in Alberta.
You are extremely crude.
You have only changed your underwear once in your life.
You seem to believe in astrophysics.
Your father used to be a rocket scientist of great intelligence.
Your polka dots all fell off when you were born.
The only music you listen to is reruns from the 1600s.
Your favourite show is "little VV on a Viking ship named Colossus".
Your head is cheese.
Vampires gather at your bathroom sink.
You feel sad sometimes.
You are a were-wolf.
Your birthday is on a day that does not exist.
THE END, ALFRED!
Sasuke examined the letter carefully.
"Oh no!" he cried when reading number 3, "my secret has been discovered!"
And when he read number twenty, he was thoroughly distraught.
"I must make myself a new birthday!" he cried, and of course set the date to February 18, the day of Naruto's second birthday.
When he saw number 15, he became indignant. "My favourite show is Grandmother's Woe! Even though there's only one episode… Auntie should know that!" But Sasuke did not hold any grudges towards his auntie. He knew that that was just the way she was. And he loved her for it.
As Sasuke sat quietly, rereading the letter, he was not aware that plots were being made against him. They were quite evil plots, in fact. The kind of evil plots that made your blood run cold and you hair stand on end. These plots against Sasuke were being made by none other than the very evil Orochimaru, and his very, very evil partner, Hinata.
The plots concerned the matter of Sasuke being better at taking pants off people than Hinata. Hinata was an undefeated champion at EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. Including parachuting, snowdiving, inching, walking, sanitizing napkins, speaking mandarin, licking stuff. She even held the record for wearing the same jacket for the longest period of time in recorded history. But that dreadful Uchiha! He was better at taking pants off of people! Hinata could never, ever, beat him at that particular task.
And so she had come to hate Uchiha. And with an experienced evildoer like Orochimaru, she had been helped to hone that hate, down to a bitter point, as sharp as steel. This hatred, now, was beautiful. It shone with radiance. And she would use it to pay back that Uchiha Sasuke for all that he had done.
Hinata and Orochimaru finished their plans. Although she would exact her revenge the next day, Hinata was still unhappy. She wanted to put that Uchiha in his place NOW! But she knew that she must wait until tomorrow. The beauty of this plan, the delicate balance… she must not upset those. So she would wait. The next day, Sasuke would be doomed.
Hinata still needed to do something about her bad mood. So she went into the house, padded softly upstairs, and into Kiba's room.
And there, she raped him and took away his virginity.
She felt much better after that.
;;;;;;;OOOOOOOOOOOOOO;;;;;;;;;
Itachi was hopping from foot to foot with impatience. "Have you finished yet!" he demanded of Shino.
"Finished what?" asked the bug boy.
"THE LIST OF COURSE!" Itachi was at the limit of his patience. He had been waiting a long time for this moment.
"The list of 101 ways to use Naruto?"
"Yes!"
"Oh. Well Kiba has it."
"And where is Kiba exactly? Why is he not here?"
Shino looked away. "I'm not sure. It's not usual for Kiba to be late…"
Itachi growled. "If he will not come to me, I will go to him." And he bounded off, with Shino tucked safely under his cloak.
When they reached Kiba's house, they bounded through his window.
"Where is the liiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssst?" Itachi demanded.
Kiba looked at them silently, but did not speak a single word.
"Where iiiiiiiiiiiis it, my pretty?" Itachi's behaviour was becoming more and more disturbing by the minute.
Kiba slowly got up, walked to his desk and began rummaging around. He retrieved a sheet of paper and handed to Itachi, never once blinking, never once changing his expression. He sat back down on his bed.
Itachi, satisfied, began to head away, but Shino quickly jumped out of his cloak.
He walked over to his friend.
"Kiba, what's wrong?" He asked.
Kiba did not answer. He only hung his head in shame and began to weep.
Itachi, having other duties to perform, left the scene. But Shino, a true friend, remained by Kiba's side.
"I've been raped," Kiba said, his voice barely loud enough to be heard.
Shino could not believe this. "Who was it?" He nearly screamed in outrage, "I'll find that bloody bastard and kill him!"
Kiba's face twitched slightly, a mere facsimile of a smile. Kiba had to strain to hear his voice. "It was Hinata."
Shino sat, stunned with shock. "Well, then," he said slowly, "I guess it's time."
Kiba nodded silently in agreement. "Yes… It is time for my World Tour to begin."