Chapter 5

It was Divination time...Harry and co. were around a table in Professor Trelawney's (one crazy spinster...with those looks no wonder she's single) mysterious classroom a.k.a. Hogwarts attic, Trelawney's residence.

"That clump from your teabag in your tea is actually a dog...so that means...you're going to die, even though dogs actually symbolize loyalty!" said Trelawney mysteriously.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed.

"Cool it with the Caps lock tantrum Harry!" said Ron, "she's obviously a fake!" said Ron.

"I am not a fake!" said Trelawney.

"Prove it!" said Ron, trying to sound cool.

"Ok...umm...the three primary colors are red, yellow and blue...Hufflepuff students have no talents, you and Hermione will most probably get together in the near distant future and...I am a fraud!" said Trelawney.

"Damn! I'm truly sorry to have ever doubted you! Please forgive me!" said Ron.

"Hey guys!" said Hermione.

"Hermione! Where did you come from?" asked Harry and Ron.

"I was here the whole time!" said Hermione.

"You have some explaining to do Hermione!" said Harry.

"Well, since I'm smart and know everything...whatever I say is true...and what I say is that I was here the whole time!" said Hermione.

"Ahh...that explains it!" said Harry and Ron.

Class ended and Harry and Ron decide to take a stroll around school.

"Hey look! Hagrid's hut is in a different location!" said Ron, "and the Whomping Willow moved too! What the hell?"

"Ron shut up, the director of this movie obviously 'knew what he was doing', sacrifices were made to make this movie so much 'better'!" said Hermione.

"Ahh that explains it!" said Harry and Ron.

At that moment, when the trio was admiring the beauty of nature, looking at the Whomping Willow, a bird flew smack into the tree and died. Harry and Ron looked at Hermione for an explanation.

"It gives the movie a bit of action, doesn't it" she said trying to sound positive.

"Wait a sec...are you getting paid more then me to promote how great the director and this sad excuse for a movie is?" Harry asked.

"Umm...hey! It's time for Care of Magical Creatures lesson!" said Hermione, "lets show the world how loyal we are to Hagrid by...by..actually showing up!" said Hermione.

Harry and Ron and Hermione walked to Hagrid's Hut, the Gryffindors and the Slytherins were already there, holding their books...on leashes! "Hagrid, how the hell are we supposed to make our books not try to kill us?" asked Harry.

"Isn't it obvious? You stroke it! Funny, huh?" Hagird asked.

"Almost getting killed is quite funny actually!" said spastic Seamus Finnegan. Everyone sighs and their resentment towards Hagrid changes to sympathy and/or annoyance towards Seamus.

Three boys came up to Harry and wearing creepy black hoods, tried to scare him, Harry shrieked...but not in fear...but in delight!

"Aaron Carter? You're at Hogwarts now? Oh my word! You're my all time favorite singer! Can I have your autograph?" Harry asked, begging on his knees.

"Dammit Potter, it's me, your evil arch nemesis Draco Malfoy!"

"You had me fooled—you look like a replica of Nick/Aaron Carter!" said Harry.

"Well I have been inspired by them and I now consider them my fashion idols—I mean—you're a loser Potter! Lets go Crabbe—or Goyle—and hey who the hell are you random Slytherin student? Oh well...that's one more new slave...but there the hell did Crabbe or Goyle go? Oh well!" said Malfoy, extremely confused.

"Now kids", started Hagrid, but just at that moment, Malfoy through a squeaky dog toy into the forbidden forest and Hagrid's animal instincts overcame him and he ran on all fours into the forest, he came back with the toy in his mouth, and dropped it on the ground, standing up, as if nothing had happened.

"Now...here's a hippogriff and I'm going to stupidly risk my career by letting one of you ride it! Harry, since you have gone through so much shit in your life, you now have the privilege of riding him!" Hagrid said, forcing Harry on the hippogriff's back. The Hippogriff began to gallop and Hermione, being the scared flirty type that she is, grabbed Ron's arm! Gasp! Physical Contact! Gasp! Raging teenage hormones!

Harry flew over Hogwarts with Buckbeak, skimming over the lake, "I'm the king of the world!" Harry said, screaming, like the attention seeking brat that he was.

Buckbeak flew down to the ground and landed. "Wow! Two accomplishments for me today! Firstly I tied my shoelaces and now I rode a 954598595 pound dangerous flying creature at a rate of 1933839838338983838 kilometers a second with no saddle or protection whatsoever!" said Harry.

"Score!" said Ron.

"I can do that too! Watch me!" Malfoy said, "Hey stupid bird! Kill me!" and with that the bird cut off Malfoy's limbs with a chainsaw! "Okay that was extremely random" said Malfoy.

Hagrid stood there, completely puzzled.

"Hagrid take him to the hospital! He'll die!" said Hermione, "...hey when did I ever care about Malfoy?" said Hermione.

"Right! Hagrid said, carrying Malfoy and running up to the castle, Malfoy laid homosexually in Hagrid's arms. "My father has friends in high places...mountain death eaters who live in the high mountains and he's also friends with chickens...oh damn I shouldn't have said that, now they'll know he's insane!" said Malfoy.