Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek: The Next Generation, or any of its characters.
Note: I have been writing stories under the Mutant X heading for quite a while now. I have created a world of my own with the characters of Mutant X and combined them in my stories with characters from the X Men. Star Trek has always held my heart but until now, I have never felt able to write it effectively. I hope I am able to accomplish this with a series of episode ending scenes. A long time complaint of mine has always been that each episode should have had one more scene or it should have carried 'that intimation' just a little further. I enjoy coming up with how I would have liked to see it happen. I hope you enjoy my ideas. Thank you, in advance, for reading. I hope to meet many new friends through writing Star Trek. Also, I hope some of my Mutant X/X Men friends find my Star Trek writing just as interesting.
After Farpoint
Shift was finally over. It had been a long day. First waiting for the Enterprise to arrive; then the station that turned out to be an alien and that,…that…Q. But for Commander William T. Riker, second in command of the Enterprise, none of it really mattered. It was pretty much by the book. After all, the unknown is what had drawn him into space in the first place.
Will rubbed the imagined stiffness from his neck as he walked to his quarters. In great shape and proud of it, Will made sure his body was ready for whatever a mission would throw at him. If Will was sore it was by his own doing after an intensive work out. Wincing as his hand moved over his shoulder, he furrowed a brow in wonder. He must have gotten hit harder than he thought outside Gropler Dorn's office. No matter.
What really mattered…what really got to him…was her. Deanna Troi…after all these years…she was right there…His mind had been reeling since the moment he saw her on the bridge. He didn't dare let it take his attention. Duty came first…duty always came first. Maybe that's why…. Well,…duty for today was over. He walked into his spartan quarters, with a fleeting thought of unpacking his belongings in the 3 small cases that met him as he entered. That could wait. Right now he needed a shower.
Without having work to keep him occupied, thoughts filled his mind. Thoughts of her…here…now…on the same ship…after all these years. Questions tossed about with memories of a time long ago…time spent with her…dreams resurfaced…dreams that ended…as nightmares. Old feelings began to stir…feelings of remorse at the way he had conducted himself while he was on Betazed. Oh, he was the perfect example of Starfleet's finest,…or so he'd liked to believe. He was young and brash. Nothing was more important than his career. He was going to really make his mark…be the best that he could be and then some. Now…lying in his bed he could look back and feel the pain of those he unintentionally hurt in his march to the patriotic universal call.
How cowardly he had acted…yes, cowardly. In the end, that was the only word he could justly invoke to describe the way he had left. Oh…others would see it as bravery…the young officer accepting, and leaving for, a post on the Hood. She was a worthy ship. It was an honor to be offered the position. Taking the posting was a very smart career move. Without that step he wouldn't be here…now…second in command of the Federation's flagship. That part was never in question. The cowardice manifested when it came time to go and Deanna was waiting for him at the little snack shop in town. It was cowardice that told him to just leave and forget all about what they had begun. If you just leave you won't have to think about it ever again. You won't have to see her face and feel bad. Boy…was that wrong. Her face was all he could see…on every woman…in every mirror…each time he closed his eyes. He'd had nightmares and a vast array of guilty feelings in the beginning.
Then…as time passed…it had become a little easier to push aside and not think about. He could concentrate on building that career that he had transported off the planet to embark on. Suddenly, when everything seemed to be going smoothly…there she was…big dark eyes staring through him as her voice floated like a melody in his head, resonating in his heart…splintering the door behind which he'd managed to hide his true feelings. "I need a drink," Will pushed the sheet away and stood up abruptly. Quickly dressing in something casual, he left his quarters and headed for 10 Forward.
He had studied the schematics for this galaxy class starship. 10 Forward caught his attention and he knew some of his time would be spent there…he just didn't think he'd have to find it on his first night aboard ship. He was amazed as he walked through the doors. Immediately, he knew he was going to like this place. The lounge looked comfortable and inviting. Soft lighting soothed over everyone around. With a smile he walked up to the bar and ordered a drink. Synthehol was standard issue in Starfleet; not exactly the real thing, but Will had gotten used to the difference. He liked to drink but knew his limits. It was the extremely rare occasion indeed that would find Will Riker, drunk and out of control. It had only happened once. That was enough. He smiled and thanked the pretty young bartender then turned to take in the rest of this wonderful addition to space travel. His distraction was short-lived.
There she was; sitting near one of the large ports that gave a spectacular view of space. From his position she looked as if the stars were surrounding her; drawing their radiance from her. His heart lodged in his throat as his eyes caressed over her thick curly hair; silky hair he could remember lacing through his fingers. A chill ran through his spine as he could once again feel the stirring of emotions. Almost mesmerized, he watched as she raised a spoon to her mouth, then it closed over the confection she was eating. He looked on with a small smile…chocolate ice cream…of course…her favorite. He could do nothing but stare as slowly, she drew back the spoon, her lips pursed and sealed over the chocolate that her mouth and tongue were now relishing. A sensation of tightness gripped his chest as he remembered the feel of those lips on his…the softness of her mouth as he kissed her.
All of a sudden, he was looking into her eyes, deep, dark pools of beauty…but something was wrong. They were glistening; twinkling brighter than the stars around her...He should have known she would feel his unrestrained emotion. He was so engulfed in his own thoughts of being around her again he'd forgotten how easily it was for her to sense him. Then…for only an instant it was there…then gone and it stabbed him through the heart. He watched from the distance as Deanna stood up quickly and dashed out the doors. He was stunned. The feeling was so foreign, yet felt so familiar. Pain was clear and though he was in the midst of his own emotional hurricane, this feeling wasn't his. This was hers.
It had been years since he'd been able to sense her. He was her Imzadi; her soul mate, as she explained. They had at one time been able to feel each others emotions. But he left…without a word. He turned his back on her and on their souls…and had tried to ignore the emptiness ever since. He had gotten good at it, too…until now. That one brief touch of her soul stripped away the years of toughening he had managed. More than seeing her…more than hearing her in his head…more than the casual hand on her shoulder during the mission, he touched her soul once again and it had left him…breathless. It took another moment for him to be able to think past the pain and get himself into motion.
Thankfully, the corridors were deserted at this time of night. Deanna moved quickly to get to the turbolift. Once inside she gave the command for her destination and tried not to cry. The hall outside her quarters was empty and she ran to her door, quickly ducking inside as it opened at her presence. Locking it, she turned back, managing only a few more steps before she collapsed into a sobbing ball on the floor.
She had been able to take it for only so long. When she had found out who the officers were on her new post she was shocked to hear his name. Well practiced in keeping up neutral facades despite any feelings raging around her…or in her, she was the picture of a calm, controlled counselor. She studied long and worked hard for her degree and then again to make her way through Starfleet Academy. She told herself, she was doing it because that's what she wanted and it would have made her father very proud of her. Deep inside, she hid the part that was immersing itself in work and ambition to forget the pain and loneliness of her soul.
She didn't understand at first. How could he leave? And worse, without a word. Months they had spent falling madly and passionately in love with each other. Not only was she so happy that she was in love but amazed and in awe when the bond between them had manifested. Imzadi was rare among full Betazoids, according to her mother. The odds of it happening between a half Betaziod and a human were more than any sane gambler would take. Imzadi goes beyond just the ability to read thoughts and emotions. It reaches into the very depth of the lovers, entwining their souls for all eternity. That was the ancient belief. They were young and their bond was just developing but she was sure without a shadow of a doubt that it was there. Then he was gone. She was crushed. It took a week of silent seclusion before she gave in to her mother's insistent efforts to convince her to pick herself up and get on with her life. She carefully wrapped her broken heart deep inside her, ever running away as she pushed on to forge her own career, an ambition that now allowed her to stand out enough to be chosen to serve on the flagship of the Federation. The mission to boldly go out into the far reaches of space…allowing her to run even farther.
But fate had something else in mind. Looking to forget and rest, though to this point she really hadn't, Deanna felt that fate wanted to plunge her into complete torment. For weeks now, as she prepared and then boarded the Enterprise, she fought the despair and pain the thought of him evoked. Finally able to draw on the professionalism she had worked so hard to polish, she was able to decide that she was not going to let the thought of him do this to her. She would not let him see the pain he caused. She would be the professional she was trained to be. Determined to prove to herself…and him…that she could live a life without Will Riker and that she was truly over him, she would do her job and do it better than well. That was the resolve that kept her going…until she saw him on the bridge.
That's when her wall of defense started to crack. Standing there as her captain made the unnecessary introduction, she had to speak to him. She had to reach into his mind as she had so many years before. She couldn't help herself. Their bond instantly sprang to life and compelled her to reach out. She knew he could feel it. In his mind she could feel him stirring to reach back and make the connection. It was very faint; so faint in fact that she knew he probably couldn't feel it. He was standing there, looking at her partly in shock but mostly 'in uniform'; complete control in front of his captain. At least he had admitted that they had known each other. He didn't allow the guise of first meetings. That had to mean something.
The mission helped to keep her mind focused as she was down on the surface of the planet. Suggesting that they go investigate the underground was a mistake. Not proper at all for the officer, the woman just wanted to be with him. She felt the pull of their bond and needed to be close to him. Rejection cruelly scratched at her as he gave his orders.
She knew she was already weak from the strain of the emotional whirlwind that tossed her heart and mind. The pain she felt from the creature was intense and that was while she was on the bridge. Under the surface the emotional current was strong even with her mind completely shielded. When he asked her to open her mind to it…how could she refuse? It was her duty and…God help her…she could never tell him 'no'. The pain was extreme and he rushed to her side. He neither said nor did anything intimate. He was just there, doing his job and encouraging her to do hers. But just his presence calmed her. It helped her to reconstruct the shield in her mind enough to filter out the pain and to concentrate. No one else could have done that. Her Imzadi was there and she drew on his strength.
Oh, but then she really messed up. When the old city was being blasted from the creature in space, he ordered her back to the ship while he walked into the line of fire. Professionalism completely lost, she called out to him not to go. Her heart and ego stung yet again when he reprimanded her by rank. Shock gripped her, both at her outburst and by his lack of emotion in response. Stoically she obeyed the order. It took Herculean effort on her part to finish the day. She stayed on the bridge only as long as her duty dictated. Politely excusing herself, to file her report, she left the bridge, not trusting her treacherous heart enough to risk even a glance in his direction. At shift's end she was so drained she couldn't think. She showered and meditated but only gained enough footing to dampen the raging feelings. She needed something and she knew exactly what it was.
Sitting in 10 Forward wasn't exactly comfortable. She had to keep her shields up so as to not pick up on the stray emotions of the crew. She also had to appear to be ok…just out for a snack before bed. The last thing she needed was to look as if she'd been crying and have a concerned shipmate, asking her if she were alright. No, she wasn't alright…far from it…but she would be damned if she let anyone know. Chocolate ice cream always seemed to calm her. Smoothing the creamy concoction in her mouth took her mind off of her troubles for a little while as she solely concentrated on the chocolaty taste.
She had just put another spoonful in her mouth when she felt it. No amount of shielding could block his emotions from her. He was standing there…looking at her…thinking about her. His emotions were strong and his thoughts as clear to her as her own. He was thinking about kissing her. No…she came to forget about him…she couldn't take anymore. Her heart broke all over again as tears filled her eyes threatening to overflow.
In an instant of helplessness she had turned to look at him and found his dark eyes gazing back at her. Knowing that her resolve was near gone she did the only thing left for her to do and keep her dignity in front of the rest of the crew. She left.
Now in her quarters, realization hit with the force of a photon torpedo. All her determination and logical reasoning had failed her. No matter what she had done she failed to protect her heart and soul. There…in her quarters…she felt it all over again. Her heart and soul were calling to him. There was nothing her rational mind could do about it;…nothing but cry.
By the time Will had gotten out of 10 Forward Deanna was gone. Utilizing the computer panel beside the door, he thought, "If it worked to find Data, it should work again." He touched the panel and made his inquiry.
"Counselor Troi is in her quarters, Deck 8 Section 4," came the calm response.
He headed for the turbolift and wondered what exactly he was doing. "She was crying. I can't just leave her like that. I have to do something." The lift opened and he proceeded to the cabin indicated by the computer. As he approached the door, he could hear her muffled sobs coming from the other side. His heart broke to know she was like this. He pressed the door signal and waited…No response. Gently he knocked on the door…No response but he noticed the sobbing wasn't distinguishable. He knocked again as he called, "Deanna…Deanna?"
Shocked by the suddenness he stepped back as he heard her in his head. "Go away, Will." The sobbing returned as she finished his dismissal. No…he couldn't…he couldn't just turn around and leave when he knew she was hurting. He had to do something. "Imzadi, please," he whispered just loud enough to carry through the door. Again he had to step back as she growled in his head, "Don't you dare try to use that on me. You lost that right years ago…when you…when you…when…" She couldn't finish…couldn't get past the hurt and the tears began again. Will couldn't take anymore. Using his command code, he overrode the security codes in the door and waited as it processed then swished open to allow him access. The room was dark, except for the light from the stars, coming in the viewer. He stepped in and saw her curled into a tight ball shaking from her tears. The door swished closed and in that split second Deanna was on her feet and about ready to strike.
Strike she did, right across his face. "How dare you? Get out."
"Deanna, please. I can't stand to see you cry." Will tried to step forward but only succeeded in forcing her to step back.
"You should have thought of that before you left," she cried as the tears returned in streams.
"Deanna, let me try to expl…," he began.
"No," she cut him off. "You can't explain. There isn't an explanation in the galaxy that can fix what you did."
Will looked down in shame. She was right, of course, but now…he had to try. "Imzadi."
"No, you can't call me that…you don't deserve to call me that." Her voice wasn't as strong this time. She sank down on the sofa and cried with her face in her hands.
Will couldn't deny her words. He only knew what he felt now…"You're right, I left and I know that must have hurt you…but I can't deny the feelings I have. I know you must feel it, too." He moved closer and reached out to touch her hair.
Again she sprang at him, pounding a fist into his chest as he stepped back against her advance. "You don't know anything. You don't know what it was like for me to realize that you were gone…without a word. You don't know what it felt like to have my heart broken. My world was crushed." She stared hard into his eyes, pain fueling her words and posture. "While you went on your merry little way, I had to find a way to pick myself up and go on. And I did it." She stood tall and proud before him. "I bound up my heart and vowed to make a life for myself. I worked hard and pushed myself to get to where I am now. And now you come along and want to talk to me about feelings?"
"Imzadi," he tried again.
"I told you to stop calling me that," she snapped.
"I can't," his voice raised. "I can't. I know I've hurt you. I spent all these years trying to push the guilt away but it always came back. I've worked to create the career I wanted but there was always something missing. Something more that I needed and I never could figure out what it was. Seeing you again made me realize…Deanna I finally know what Imzadi really means." He moved closer and reached for her shoulders.
Pushing away she turned to her view port, "Get out, Will."
"I know you can feel it. In 10 Forward it was there. For only an instant I could feel you; not your words in my head but more than that. It was like you were a part of me. Then I remembered that from before, on Betazed. When we'd kiss…it was like we were one."
Choking on her sobs she shook her head, knowing she couldn't take anymore. "Stop, Will, please. Leave me alone."
"No, Deanna. Not until you tell me I'm wrong. I hate myself for what I've done to you; what I've done to us, but I can't change that. All I can do is try to make it right. This is right." He came up behind her and gently placed his hands on her shoulders. Something like electricity shot through his body at the contact and warmed him from deep within. "There it is. I know you can feel it." He tightened his grip as she tried, not to desperately, to pull away. "The bond we shared is there, Imzadi. It's pulling us together. I can't deny it any longer." Lovingly, he began to caress her arms. "Give me the chance to make it up to you."
Mustering all she had left she pulled away again, shaking her head but not turning. "Leave me be, please."
"Deanna, look at me," he said softly.
"Leave…" she whispered.
"Fine," Will stated flatly. "I'll leave…after you look into my eyes and tell me that I'm wrong." He watched her for a moment as she seemed to freeze at his words. "Look at me and tell me that this is all in my head. Tell me it's just the guilt of having left you all those years ago." He watched her closely. His eyes saw nothing but his heart could feel her. His voice began to strengthen as he could feel her within him. "Look at me and tell me you don't feel the same thing. Tell me that you've completely gotten over what we had." Stepping forward, he grabbed her and turned her around, shocking her into compliance, locking his eyes to hers. "Look into my eyes and tell me you don't still see and feel that we're one. No matter how much you hate me for leaving…no matter how much I hate myself," he yelled, "tell me I'm wrong! Tell me and I'll leave!" Firmly, he held her arms and eyes as he waited for her to answer. After a moment of silence he slowly loosened his hands but never blinked.
Deanna was torn. Her head was screaming to push him away, run and hide. Her heart was beating wildly, begging to give in to him. Her soul was already within him. It had always been…and would always be. She knew to deny it would be to deny the breath she needed to live. Without thought or reason she flew forward, into his arms and into whatever fate would hold.
Will raised his arms the instant she was in motion as if he'd known…somehow he had. With one arm wrapped around her waist he lifted her from the ground and held her firmly against him as his other arm curled up her back. His fingers lacing her hair as his hand cradled her head and pulled her close to him. In the same instant, their lips met. Passionately, he kissed her as he felt her respond.
That was when it happened…in that moment of total surrender…one to the other…their souls met and the tare that had existed for years…the tare that tortured both with loneliness…was finally mended and the two truly became one once again. No other words were spoken nor were they necessary as he swung her up into his arms and carried her into her room, following her body with his as he laid her onto her bed. Their minds closed around each other's as their souls made their bodies rejoice at their inevitable reunion. Hurt, pain and guilt were washed away. Along with soul binding satisfaction, came complete rest as they fell asleep in each other's arms.
Morning dawned, and along with it came cold, hard reality. Deanna had awakened before Will and rested in the comfort of his arms around her. Comfort that had only taunted her in nightmares was now a dream come true. It was still early. They had another 2 hours before they had to be on the bridge. Trying to ignore the nagging feeling of reality pressing her mind she pulled closer to him as their bodies molded together, almost as seamlessly as their souls. Soon she felt him begin to stir. Her heart pounded as he opened his eyes and smiled at her.
"Good morning, Beautiful," his voice still thick with sleep.
"I've dreamed so many times of waking up like this," she openly confessed. Her reward was a passionate kiss. After a few moments of peaceful silence she spoke. "Will, we need to talk."
Pulling her closer, he, too, knew it was necessary, but really wanted to hold onto what they had at that moment. Kissing the top of her head he whispered, "I know."
This was it. This was going to be the test of their bond. After all these years and what she'd gone through, there was a little fear that tormented her…and she wondered if he'd truly understand. To her surprise, as if in response, he spoke first.
"I know without a doubt that our bond is there. It always was. I just refused to see it. I was only looking at my career and chose to forget everything else. I know I could never make that up to you. Seeing you again…it was like a magnet drawing us together. I couldn't stop it. I didn't want to stop it." He turned onto his side and propped his head on his arm as he caressed her skin with his other hand. "We're two parts of a whole, Imzadi. I lived without you all this time and there was a place, inside, that nothing would fill. I knew it was there. When I would be alone at night, it would hurt like hell. I should have but I didn't even realize what it was, until I saw you again." He leaned down and kissed her lips gently.
For a long moment she kissed him back. When he finally pulled away, she tried to speak. "Will, I…I'm not…"
"Shhh," he laid his fingers over her lips in a gentle caress. "I love you. I've always loved you. I've just been too blinded by my career to realize it."
"Exactly," was all she said but it was enough to stop him. "Your career hasn't gone anywhere. It's still here…and I'm here. I can't deny what I feel for you. I will always love you." She paused as she heard his breath catch in his throat. This is it. This is the reality she knew she couldn't avoid. "Will, we're not lovesick adolescents anymore. You've worked hard to get where you are. And though, you left me to do it, I'm very proud of you. I hope you can be proud of the career I've made for myself as well."
"Oh, Deanna, I am. Back on Betazed, I never thought you'd join Starfleet. I knew your degree would be a given, but to go through the Officer's Program…I'm impressed." He kissed her again but frowned when she pulled away too soon.
"And now, this is where we find ourselves. Please understand that last night…I'm not sure how it happened but last night literally erased all the pain of these years without you. I know that you feel the same way. But that doesn't change the fact that we, both, now have careers. Careers that neither one of us wants to compromise."
"Our careers are established, now. Why would they be compromised?" Will voiced the question but in his soul knew the answer.
"Will, please, you know as well as I do that after all this time it would be foolishness to try to just pick up where we left off. It wouldn't be fair to either one of us to add the pressure of a serious relationship on top of the new assignments we have here on the Enterprise."
"Imzadi, what are you saying? We can't deny this bond."
"We will always be Imzadi, to our deaths." She tenderly stroked his stubbly cheek with her fingertips. Leaning up she gently pecked his lips with hers. "I just think that we need to accept that and decide to take everything else slowly. Let's give ourselves the chance to get reacquainted as we also get settled in here." She smiled at the disappointment that flashed across his face. "You know this is right. We could never have a serious issue that we were not in complete agreement with. Our hearts wouldn't allow it."
"You're right. I do know it. I think I probably knew it before we started but my male ego would let it sink in." He smirked as she chuckled at him.
"I will always love you," she smiled at him. "I'm anxious to see all the different ways in which that love manifests in our lives now that our careers are connected."
"Well," Will grinned slyly, "our careers won't connect for more than an hour. Then we'll handle our relationship, just as you've said. Until then, Imzadi, all I want to do is spend this time double checking our bond. I want to make sure it's still as strong today as it was last night." He leaned over and covered her body with his as he kissed her, releasing his mind, heart and soul, once again, to the one woman in the universe who, he swore silently, he'd never leave again.