KRATOS v2600
Congratulations! You have just invested in a product of the finest quality AniMerge Corp. has to offer you! The following is a comprehensive, easy-to-follow guide created to ensure that your experience with your new KRATOS is a pleasant and successful one!
Unpacking
Your KRATOS should have arrived to you in perfect condition. Upon unpacking him, please be sure to check the included list of accessories your unit comes with:
1 pair of Chaos Blades
1 tattered red "toga"
1 pair of sandals
5 lv.1 Magic Abilities
1 journal (will become obsolete after the first week or so)
-Although your unit should come to you completely stain-free, occasional smears of blood and/or gore may be found; this is completely normal and is no cause for concern. If you would like to learn how to properly clean your KRATOS, please refer to the Care portion of this manual-
The First Week
Once you have unpacked your unit, you may notice that he displays a melancholy demeanor. This is quite common in newly-opened units, however, please be certain that all windows of upper floors are kept locked at all times as your unit may begin lamenting to the Gods and attempt to commit suicide. This phase will pass rather quickly, in which case a new precaution must take effect: the removal of all females within the vicinity is imperative to your unit's first week of adjustment. He may feel "low on Red Orbs" at this point, and may attempt to engage in sexual activities with the women of the household (preferably if kept in twos). If evacuation of females is not possible, then simply be sure that they are kept as unattractive as possible; your KRATOS will then turn his attention to sadly reading over his journal entries.
Modes
Your unit should have become adjusted to his new home at this point. The following is a list of "Modes" your KRATOS may display:
Crazy MoFo- this is KRATOS' primary mode. Typical behaviors associated with this mode are: excessive aggression, desire to brutally murder anything that displays the slightest sign of life, extreme arrogance, feelings of vengeance, and sporadic exclamations of "By the Gods!" or "Areeeees!"
The Selfish Ass- self-explanatory. Will display gross acts of greed, especially when either power, revenge, or fat, furry Viking-ish men who seem rather out of context are concerned.
The Pitiful Failure- a somewhat uncommon Mode, KRATOS may occasionally undergo psychological episodes in which he becomes mournful or self-critical concerning issues with his FAMILY (please note that an ARES unit may be the culprit behind such episodes)
The Unyielding Trooper (LOCKED)- probably the most positive behaviors you will ever see out of your KRATOS. The perfect little burrito of the perfect soldier, the "TUT" Mode brings out your unit's inner hero. He will stop at nothing to protect you, even if it means ripping and tearing through Hades itself. However, please realize that this Mode is quite difficult to "unlock", as your KRATOS is by nature extremely stubborn and limits his caring only to his FAMILY and being the manwhore that he is.
Special Notes about Behavior: Outside of the four Modes previously mentioned, you can expect to observe occasional lapses in KRATOS' behavior. For example, he is prone to curiosity, so you must exercise caution in allowing him to explore the house and/or encountering new and unfamiliar objects (i.e., TV, computer, etc.) Remember, your unit's CPU (or brain) is set in Ancient Greece and cannot comprehend present-day technology and thought. Such things should be introduced slowly and cautiously to your unit to avoid overstimulation or "frying". "Modes" are not to be confused with "Versions", which will be discussed later on.
Care
Your unit is fully capable of caring for himself. We recommend only providing assistance when he is visibly confused or frustrated with a task (such as working the icemaker or working the microwave) to avoid aggressive outbursts or tantrums. Speaking in a low, calm voice and avoiding eye contact is your best bet for avoiding attack. Your KRATOS can go for immense periods of time without food or water, but when the need does arise, it is wise to have meals prepared ahead of time so that they may simply be left in areas that he often occupies. If approached in this manner, you will find feeding your unit a much less arduous task!
Although your unit is not a particularly picky eater, the following foods are recommended for optimum performance:
Large amounts of meat (preferably whole hams or slabs of beef/lamb. Charcoaled, roasted, or crispy Greek soldier is optional if none of these are readily available)
Bread (in moderation-constipation is not an option!)
Occasional salads are acceptable, however, these must also contain meat as it is crucial to your unit's protein intake.
-NEVER allow your unit to consume any alcoholic beverage: doing so may severely damage his CPU or even augment his already aggressive nature. The likelihood of an accident is also greatly increased-
KRATOS + Alcohol equals: a monster that would shame Satan himself
Hygiene-though apparently a minor thought to your unit-is also important. Soap should be a staple in your garage (which is the most likely place your KRATOS will live comfortably and keep out of trouble). You may choose to either leave the gardening hose available or leave the backyard pond open to him (considering that your home has one). Do NOT allow your unit to bathe in any other place other than the designated area. It especially unwise to allow your unit to shower/bathe in the bathrooms of your own home for obvious reasons, however, it will be necessary to allow this during the winter months if you do not want your KRATOS to suffer frostbite or pneumonia. Your unit is very sturdy, but he is not invincible…yet.
-Please, never attempt to bathe with your unit. It could prove to be quite hazardous to your health and to your unit's depending on your gender-
Uses
As time goes on, your unit will have fully become accustomed to living with you and/or your family. Your KRATOS will prove itself invaluably useful. You may train your unit to perform household chores, care for pets, run errands, and so much more. Basically, almost anything your imagination can conceive can be carried out by your KRATOS! However, there are some restrictions regarding the use of your unit…
1. You may NOT use your unit as a pawn for drug transactions, Mafia affairs, a legal "scapegoat" (i.e., "He did it" ), or any other illegal misuse
2. You may NOT "pimp" your unit off. He has no immunity to STDs nor is he immune to the alluring 2-cent ho.
3. You may NOT purposely enrage your unit and then release him in the said state among crowds of innocents simply for "fun". Your boredom is not an excuse for evildoing!
4. You may NOT use your unit as a means of intimidation (i.e., threatening to "sic" your KRATOS on someone if he or she does not pay dues or otherwise comply with your requests).
These are just a few of the more prominent misuses of the KRATOS v2600. State and federal laws are applicable. The following are unwise uses of your unit:
1. Using your unit as a model for clothing, especially clothing tailored for females.
2. Using your unit as a replacement "father-figure" to your child/children
3. Using your unit to discipline your child/children (please note that this could possibly lead to legal issues involving child negligence and endangerment charges)
Versions
Your unit comes with a unique set of "versions" that may be activated for special tasks.
Tycoonius- Need some financial advice? Maybe business is slowing down. No need to fret, your KRATOS is ready to lend a crafty hand! Whether you need the best secretarial assistance or need an outstanding presentation for that meeting coming up, your KRATOS has got it under control. (Note: if you should be in need of an attorney, simply locate the button labeled "Spineless Pocket-Drainer"and viola! that case is as good as won!)
Dairy Bastard- Your dairy problems are a thing of the past! Never bake another cake again and find that you're missing that extra half-cup of milk! No more unbuttered toast! Your KRATOS becomes a walking dairy machine! An especially useful Version for new mothers.
Bubble- Happened to "misplace" your wedding ring during that "business trip" to Cancun? No worries! Your Bubble pal can easily dive the most treacherous waters to locate lost items, and even the "wandering" elderly! Beach visits are a blast when accompanied by Bubble KRATOS. No more peering over your shoulder late at night on the boardwalk, no more gulls stealing your food when you least expect it! Also makes a spectacular lifeguard for the kids!
Chef- The most popular Version of KRATOS, you can come home to unique Mediterranean treats whipped up by the God of War himself! Too tired or lazy to cook dinner tonight? No problem. Simply flash a recipe by your KRATOS unit and expect fine dining in no time. Banquets and picnics are a breeze! (Note: an occasional bone of unusual origin may be found, as well as metal, pottery, or skull fragments)
Ares- …We have no idea why KRATOS units find the need to dress like ARES. We believe it may be an internal glitch, though it is not harmful and does not interfere with your unit's performance in any way. If you find that your unit insists on dressing like his nemesis, professional help may be in order.
Interaction with Other Units
Although the KRATOS v2600 is by far the most popular unit from our "God of War" line, we offer a few other units that may be of interest to you. The following is a list of these units and how you can expect your KRATOS to respond to them.
ARES/KRATOS- Overall, a highly dangerous combo. Upon the first meeting of an ARES and a KRATOS, the two will get along famously. KRATOS will become a groveling patsy and beg ARES to smite his enemies for him; this is where trouble stirs. ARES, seeing potential in your Spartan, will gladly smite away, however, the price your KRATOS must pay is far greater than his CPU can anticipate. Eventually, the ARES' evil nature will shine through, and he will blind your KRATOS into murdering his own FAMILY. At this point, any friendship between the two units has been without a doubt shot to Hades and beyond. Expect much bloodshed.
FAMILY/KRATOS- An unusual unit, it comes in "package" form-that is, the wife and child remain together at all times, usually with the child clinging to her mother's dress. This unit is incapable of doing anything outside the realm of screaming for its life and hugging KRATOS. An especially frustrating interaction for your unit, the only reason one might want to buy this set is to cause your poor KRATOS unending pain and suffering. Not recommended unless BOTH units can be kept clear from the presence of an ARES.
VILLAGE ORACLE/KRATOS- A pointless combination. KRATOS will generally ignore the VILLAGE ORACLE, especially when she gives him prophetic warnings. The little old woman then does nothing more than curse your KRATOS and enjoy every moment of it. Do not be surprised if you receive a court subpoena in your mailbox due to elderly abuse claims.
ORACLE/KRATOS- This ORACLE does little more than cause your Spartan trouble. Often, he will find himself obligated to save her (especially from great heights). During such feats, she will spend her time running her mouth and urging him to hurry, which may or may not cause your KRATOS to automatically fly into Crazy Mofo mode. Inevitably, KRATOS units are never successful at keeping ORACLES alive for long.
The GODS/KRATOS- Other than the ARES unit, you can expect a generally good rapport between KRATOS and GODS. ATHENA units are especially prone to assisting KRATOS units in quests and forgiving terrible, terrible sins. A useful combination for those who wish to keep their KRATOS units in line.
MONSTERS/KRATOS- Because their barbaric personalities go hand-in-hand, it is not recommended at all to keep any MONTSTERS within a KRATOS' reach unless you are willing to wipe your bank account clean replacing units galore. KRATOS units will not hesitate to decapitate even the "friendliest" of GORGONS or rip the wings off unsuspecting HARPIES. Although it can be entertaining to watch your KRATOS in all his bloody glory, it can be a very expensive and messy ordeal. We recommend only purchasing MONSTERS as a means of giving your KRATOS some exercise.
Troubleshooting/Q&As
My KRATOS refuses to obey me.
Perhaps you are trying to assume too much authority over your unit. You must keep in mind that this unit is by no means meek and must be handled carefully. Barking orders is a surefire way of either directly eliciting rebellion or receiving a one-way ticket straight into the ER.
My dog is missing!
Sadly, your KRATOS has most likely mistaken your canine friend for a CERBERUS PUP. Our operators are standing by 24/7 and eager to assist you in any cremation/burial services you may require.
I just received my phone bill, and many calls were made to Athens, Greece. Not by me. What can I do about this?
Maybe you should have thought about that before you taught your KRATOS unit how to use the phone.
KRATOS is behaving strangely: he's always happy and often breaks into singing Christmas carols for no apparent reason…
Each unit has been painstakingly surveyed for possible glitches and malfunctioning. Such a glitch is extremely rare and is completely irreversible, so you will need to destroy your unit and replace him (Note: the best way to do this is to either shoot your unit in his sleep or promise him that Santa is indeed waiting for him at the bottom of the well)
KRATOS is behaving strangely…I often catch him licking himself, purring, and he has even tried to rub himself against my leg! I'm worried!
…no comment
I'd like to return my unit. Why wasn't I provided with a return address or a guarantee?
Your KRATOS has been branded with our official Seal of Quality (as to where the seal is, you must find out for yourself…) Your unit is guaranteed to last at least 30 years or longer, if cared for properly and kept clear from ARES units, as well as deviously fashioned booby-traps.
Yes, but what about my return options?
… :gasp: OH DEAR GOD, what is that! That over there!
Huh…:looks:
:ink shortage: ...
It is our sincere hope that you enjoy your unit and that it brings order and convenience to your household. Thank you for your purchase!
-AniMerge Corp. is not responsible for any bodily injury, property damages, or grizzly demises that may be incurred due to the purchase and/or use or misuse of this product-